DH's drinking

[ReigningCatsAndDogs]

Not sure if I'm putting this in the right place on the board but I am really worried about my DH's drinking. He has an office based job, and is very senior in a pretty dynamic organisation.

He loves his wine and is something of a wine buff. He collects it for laying down and also buys a lot of stuff for every day drinking. And that's the key thing. Every day drinking. Every day pretty much. He used to do the 5:2 diet but in maintaining his weight now so does 6:1 and the only day he doesn't drink is on the fasting day. On every other day he drinks at least a bottle of wine, sometimes two later in the week. I reckon he's putting away about 8-9 bottles a week. I drink too but nothing like this (1-2 bottles a week).

He is a very high functioning drunk. He can seem completely sober on a bottle of wine, only I can tell because I know him so well.

Last night he went out with people from work and got back at about midnight. He caught the train home and the drove from the station back here (1.5miles - rural area, but still not acceptable). When he got in he was clearly drunk (he managed to knock over a mug and smash it and his clearing up of it wasn't great). Whilst talking to me he poured himself another large glass of red wine and then drank another half glass. This morning our bedroom stank of stale booze.

He has no evening hobbies, nor does he want any because he doesn't get back from work until 8.30 / 9pm. He rarely drinks in the day, but reaches for the wine as soon as he's got changed from work then drinks steadily through the day until bed. He usually falls asleep on the sofa and comes to bed way after me.

I don't know what to do. I've mentioned it to him several times to no avail. When I realised he'd driven home last night (this morning when I saw the car) I expressed my feelings and he just rolled his eyes. He doesn't want to accept that this is going too far. I don't know how else to tackle the issue.

I'm so worried for his health, for other road users and for our relationship.

Let's take him out of the equation for the minute because a lot of these types of posts anyway are all about the alcoholic and what the alcoholic is doing (and how the family are reacting to the alcoholic) rather than the person writing same.

What do you want for yourself, where do you see this all going?.

Good question. I want for him to be more available in the evenings rather than sitting on his arse, glass in hand, watching TV / surfing the net. I want him to come to bed at the same time as me. I want us to have sex when we are both sober. I want him to stop snoring so bloody much. I don't want my bedroom smelling of stale booze. I don't want to worry about him ever driving with the kids in the car when he might have had a few drinks. I am also wondering if somehow I'm becoming the same as him because I often drink with him. It's very nice to enjoy a bottle of wine of an evening with the person you love. But he opens another one and he will fill my glass and I'll realise I've had too much. I don't want to get sucked into the same situation, for the sake of my health and, most importantly, for the sake of our kids.

But that isn't going to happen, love.

Reigning your last post is admirably succinct and direct. How would it go if you put those exact words in an email to him?

OP, I was with a great guy for 13 years, I noticed pretty quickly that he was alcohol dependant, he was clever, held down a good job and did a degree in Engineering, and all the while he drank just about every single night.

Your OH sounds the same, he does not think it's a problem, he can function and well, it's country quiet roads and well again, he has a dodgy lawyer who will get him off a drink driving offence, this can also affect your employment btw so he is constantly putting your financial situation at risk and that of your children.

I wanted exactly the same as what you have described, it never happened, they will always put alcohol before you and minimise any criminal activity.....you as you have said will be consuming more too, just by the mere fact you are drinking with him, I did the same.

I'm afraid unless you actually sit him down and tell him it's ultimatum time then nothing will change.

You can though, you don't have to live your life his way.

Reigning you've just described, more or less exactly, how I feel. The only difference with me is that neither DH or I drives so the car thing is not an issue, though I have no doubt it would be if we had one.

I just want a space in my family life which does not include alcohol. I've told him that and he literally snorts at me and tells me I'm paranoid and puritanical. For a long time, I pretty much accepted this as truth. Its only in the last few months that I have allowed myself to feel that I might be able to have a life not dominated by the constant fear of hearing him open another can etc.

I totally understand that if its a good marriage you want to save it. Maybe you can. If your H is committed he could stop drinking. But he will have to make it his number one priority and at the moment he doesn't sound ready for that.

You sound as if you have reached the stage where you want your life back. The thing is, if you want that, you may have to do that without him in the picture.

Great post there at 15.25, well written and says exactly what you need. I suggest you tell/send him that.

There's quite a good book, Beat the Booze, which is aimed at the drinker but might be worth looking at for you. Though I wouldnt let him see it until he's willing to consider giving up.

The received wisdom generally is that you have to wait for the drinker to -want- to give it up. For some people that's the loss of their family, for others it's the loss of their job or status, for others criminal charges. Others loose everything but never want to give up and drink until they die a (often lonely) death.

I hope somethign will get through to him just how much that's good in his life he's risking for the false friend of booze.

"What do you want for yourself, where do you see this all going"

I asked you this earlier and you answered the first part but not the second. Re the first part what you want and what you will get and are getting are two very different things.

This is really going nowhere isn't it?. You could perhaps go on like this for years and in the meantime still enabling him and still being codependent. Co-dependency is often a feature of such marriages and it is very unhealthy.

You also cannot begin to fully protect your children from the realities of his alcoholism. They all too clearly see your reactions both spoken and unspoken to him. They know things are not ok between the two of you.

Alcoholism is a family disease and alcohol is a cruel mistress.

What thoughts if any have you given to actually telling him you want a divorce?.

What do you think your children are learning from the two of you about relationships?.

Atilla - you are asking me to run before I can jump. Of course I have known deep down, subconsciously that this has been going on for a long time but I've never really acknowledged it. I think it's fair to say I'm shocked by it. It hasn't been so much as a slow unveiling rather than the penny suddenly dropping. Probably because I can't face the enormity of it.

I have no thoughts on telling him I actually want a divorce because I don't want a divorce at all, ever. We are best friends. We've been together over 20 years. I adore him. He loves me deeply, too. We have a shared history that I am not prepared to walk away from yet. I'm not saying that we can definitely survive this, but I'm hoping he / we / I can stop this before it gets any worse. I going to give our marriage my damnedest shot and I really don't want to be criticised for doing that.

The children aren't aware of it really - as far as I can tell. To all the world we (myself included until the wool fell from my eyes) are a happy couple. Although they know that wine is a drink he enjoys a lot. They are 8 & 10. He rarely drinks in front of them and is usually good in the morning before they are up properly. This has been a pernicious thing growing quietly in the evenings. I want to protect them, but I also want to try and save the entire family unit before I split us up. I'm hope people can understand that.

All very admirable OP and I'd think that too, but does he, it's him with the problem although you now to seem to be making it a joint one, fair enough but it's really not.

I think he has done sod all to address the problem, you are now realising this is your life and you're not really liking what the future looks like, nobody would OP, with this kind of situation.

Sorry I think he does love you but he definitely loves booze more, otherwise he wouldn't be acting this way. He didn't even think you had anything to say to him after he was drink driving, c'mon, he's in complete denial about how bad it is and so are you to an extent, understandably, you don't want to give up on your marriage.

How could it get any worse, will he need to actually maim someone???

Jan45 - the way I confronted him today was the first time I've done it so directly. I need to give him time to think about it. I will be interested to see what happens tonight because he's meant to be going out.

Reigning, good luck. I'm bowing out of this thread now as you seem to want help that we can't give you. Your husband will not stop drinking, your DC are aware (don't kid yourself), and you will continue to put up with alcohol being more important than your family.

Good, keep confronting him, keep telling him it's not acceptable, either for you or your kids, nobody is going to tell him it is, apart from his other boozy pals.

I think you have a long road ahead of you.

But you cannot let your shared history cloud your judgement about his drinking. I am afraid you most certainly are in a put up and shut up or leave situation. There really is not an alternative which you have control over.

If he stops drinking and seeks help that is up to him. I would guarantee the children are well aware of his drinking. You cannot save the family alone.

You have known him a long time, he may well have been alcohol dependent prior to marriage as well.

I do not think you can indeed face the enormity of his alcoholism along with what it is doing and has done to your own family unit. You're only beginning to see it now. Did you yourself grow up within a home with an alcoholic parent?. It affects all around them markedly.

The sunken costs fallacy in relationships yet again rears its ugly head here. What you forget is that the damage has already been done here and by him. He does not give your marriage the same level of commitment as you want to show it.

You can choose not to walk away and that is your prerogative but do you really think you can turn this around?. You cannot do so or even stop this juggernaut that is his alcoholism. His alcoholism is his issue, not yours to take on ownership of or carry for him.

Would you want to spend your retirement years in the same manner as you are now because he won't change for you or anyone else. What he has is a drink problem and likely a long standing one at that. You may well want the marriage to work for your own reasons (you have a lot invested in this emotionally) but he does not have the same commitments as you do simply because his primary relationship is now with drink. He may well love you but he loves alcohol more.

I guarantee (been there) that your sex life will have suffered, family time, financially, not to mention his health and what he is doing to it............but hey ho, he's a wine Connoisseur and it's all...... normal.....nope!

I also guarantee that he's happy in his booze bubble, it's you that is really suffering, he's not having any consequences, never mind the fact he has no desire whatsoever to change anything.

How the hell do you fix that OP, just cos you're a woman, that doesn't make you super woman!

You would only be separating from him because of his alcoholism, you would not be found wanting by society for doing that and your children would not thank you for staying with their dad either if he is a drunkard. They see the recycling bin as well.

Your children are at an impressionable age but they see and hear far more than you perhaps care to realise; its only just dawning on you now how bad his alcoholism has become. It is truly insidious in its onset but its always been there in the background; the elephant in the room. You cannot afford to ignore it anymore or try and blank it out. You cannot protect your children fully from the realities of his alcoholism.

You cannot indeed save the family alone; he has to want to do his part and he simply does not want to currently or perhaps even ever. He could go onto lose everything and still choose to drink afterwards. You cannot afford to wait around for many more years to come hoping against hope that he will somehow have an epiphany and won't lose his job or his driving licence due to drink.

Its no life for your children either have a drunkard for a father. They won't thank you either for staying with him if you choose to because they could well ask you as adults why you put him before them.

You say you don't want to give up on him and you want to effect change but on your own you can't. Unless and until he acknowledges that his drinking is a problem you are on a hiding to nothing. You will end up married to a wine soaked bore who either dies young due to heart or liver failure, or kills himself by driving drunk. You can issue an ultimatum but IMO only once and you have to mean it. If he sees his drinking could lose him his wife he might think twice, but then again, maybe not.

Reigning I know this all sounds very harsh and zero sum... truly I've been there. I have spent the last decade trying to bargain with my H about his drinking, attacking and retreating, consoling myself with small mercies (he only had three cans tonight instead of five) etc.

Before I had my DD it wasn't an issue in the same way -- I drank a fair bit more than I do now, though I don't think I've ever had a dependency as I have always been able to take or leave it and have always been happy to have nights off. He promised to cut down when DD was born, and he hasn't. And for the time since she's been here its become clearer and clearer that he doesn't want to. If having kids and the prospect of losing your marriage won't do it, nothing will.

You will have to do some soul searching, for sure, and you should try to confront him about it. Its possible he will come to the same conclusion on his own.

But at some point you will have to face the fact that an alcoholic who doesn't acknowledge the extent of his/her problem and who is not totally committed to changing will not change, despite any amount of nagging, cajoling, bullying and threats from family members. It may be that the threat of losing his marriage will be enough to crystallize a major epiphany for him. But don't be under illusions that you will be able to talk him around unless he is ready to make the change.

Again, good luck, I feel your pain deeply and I wish you the best with preserving your marriage. But at the end of the day please put yourself and your kids first.

give the OP time, she's had a rude shock last night !

hope your ok Rcatsanddogs …x