In-laws and the other woman

[Notnastypasty]

Almost a year ago I found out my husband was having an affair with a colleague (have posted about this before). I was devastated as I though we had a great marriage. We tried to work things out (counselling, etc) and I thought things were going quite well until January when he 'suddenly' decided to leave as he had never loved me, blah blah. He moved out the next morning.

He always maintained that the affair was over and that he was just unhappy and wanted to be single. I didnt really believe him and various family members and friends said he must have left to be with the OW. However, he was very convincing and was living at his mum and dads so I started to believe that what he was saying was true.

Last week I found evidence that he was practically living with her from the day he left, his parents have been lying for him and have also welcomed her into their home (whilst hiding our wedding photos).

I just feel so angry that I have spent the last 6 months wondering why our marriage ended when he went straight into a relationship with the OW and couldn't give me the truth. Apparently he was protecting my feelings even though I have begged him on occasions to give me some closure!! His parents have been in contact with me alot during that time and I have made sure to include them in our young daughters life. Now I feel so hurt that they have welcomed her with open arms - I know he's their son but this isnt a new girlfriend (their affair lasted 9 months and included taking my dd on a date with them) - between the 2 of them they have ruined my dd's happy home.

I confronted his mum and she was very defensive and has been saying to other people that I should have moved on, its over, he wasnt happy with me. Shame he never told me that! I've kept my head held high through all of this but how am I supposed to have moved on already when I thought I was in a happy marriage and have spent the last 6 months wondering where it went wrong??

I was doing so well in putting it behind me but now it feels so raw again. He was always an amazing dad but now Ive found out that he's lied to me about being at work when he's been away with her and missed seeing our daughter and booked a 3 week trip away with her, it seems like our sweet little dd is 2nd best now.

I also feel knocked for six that someone who I loved so much and was my best friend and such a good guy at one time can treat me like this. He's lied again and again with no thought for me or dd and I don't understand how you can treat someone like that with no guilt?!!

Just wondering if anyone else had experienced this and had advice? I really wanted to remain friends with his family but don't feel I can now - this is so far removed from the upbringing I wanted for my DD :(

Sorry you are going through this, he's a shit of a man, you know deep down the reason he left was because of the OW so you shouldn't be too surprised to have that confirmed now. His parents will always take his side, no matter what hurt he has caused you, that's what families do. Don't be so sure they have open arms, they are probably just trying to keep the peace and be polite, especially after all the drama.

He's a coward, he prefers to lie than be honest, this allows him to carry on his new life with less guilt.

All cheaters will lie about the extent of an affair, all!

You will have to move on, you have no choice, build up a social life, keep busy and in time, it will get better for you.

Well if someone grows into a cheating, entitled piece of shit, it's very likely that their parents played a large part in that.

I'm sorry that you are going through this, but he sounds like a fucking coward. Keep your head high, stand up for yourself and cut him out of your life as much as humanely possible.

He is their son, it's unlikely they welcomed her with open arms but as an adult they have to accept he can make his own choices.

What if your DD does something similar in future? You'd stand by her as she's your child.

He is the one you should have an issue with, not them.

Thanks for the replies - yes he is a coward and I need to keep contact to a minimum which is hard with a young child. I just hate him at the moment and want to feel normal again.

Daisy - I agree he's their son but as the relationship has been kept under wraps I don't see why they needed to meet her so soon. And his mum hiding our wedding photos - the OW knew he was married! I don't understand why they need to be involved yet. I was close with them and it feels like they have replaced me already and now they're bad mouthing me to others - I suppose to make their son look like less of the bad guy :(

Exactly, they will do whatever it takes to keep their little boy happy, perhaps they do feel a bit rotten towards you but have clearly decided you are in the past now, you need to do the same.

Thanks Jan - I agree but as its my daughters grandparents and they live just around the corner it doesn't feel right. However, I don't feel I should apologise for confronting them, I only asked for the truth.

I totally agree with Jan45. I would suggest here to move on with a new life and leave the past behind. I know it would be hard for you to step forward. As also Jan45 said above "you have no choice, build up a social life, keep busy and in time, it will get better for you." so make yourself busy and try to give your child best of you.

Hello OP

I am so sorry you are going through this and can understand why you have been desperate for closure.
I agree with the other poster who said that your ils have played a big part in his behaviour and if I was you, next time mil gets in touch I would just say sorry me and dd have moved on.
You owe your x pils nothing, they have decided which side to take.
I have sons andif they behaved like this I wouldn't turnmy back on them but I certainly wouldn't be condoning their actions and would be ashamed tbh. I'm sure any half decent mother would.
You have your closure now, so try to move on to a great future with your dd and giveyour past life a wide berth.

Not nasty the first thing you have to remember is that everything about an affair is selfish, if he was not selfish he would have left first and then started a new relationship.
From that point you have accept that all further actions will be selfish and aimed at protecting himself and deflecting responsibility from himself.

They feel no guilt as their subconscious is on overdrive working out ways for it to be your fault. Like this woman on this thread today: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2152316-Just-what-is-all-this-about-Does-any-of-this-make-any-sense-to-anyone

If they admitted that anything was in any way their fault, the whole tower of lies would come tumbling down and they'd have to admit they were cowardly worms for not finishing one relationship before starting the next.

My husband has been telling friends and (his) family lies about our relationship and about me as a person. There's nothing you can do about it. People believe what they want to hear, and support who they want to support. Hopefully as time passes the sense of injustice will become less painful and you won't think about it so much.

It was your ex putting them in that shitty position by taking the woman round to see them. But they could at least have shown a little discomfort rather than this nonsense about you "moving on" within 6 months and having just had the affair confirmed!

You don't have to have anything much to do with them, do you? You can be polite, but let your ex take your daughter to visit them. I don't have to see my in-laws and it's a relief right now, though I'm sorry our relationship was broken up.

Thanks all for taking the time to reply, I've read each one a few times and can't tell you how much stronger it makes me feel. I suppose I have been clinging onto the past and need to let go of it in order to really move on.

Raven, sorry to hear you're going through similar, it really is the injustice of it all that pisses me off but there's nothing I can do about it!

Paddling - I remember we messaged a few times last year, thanks for replying now and I'm sorry your situation has been crap too. I really get where you're coming from - people say you'll be really happy one day and karma will get to him but right now all I see is him having fun with his girlfriend who he adores and lives the life of a single man!!

notnasty sorry you're going throughout this but please think about your dd and her relationship with her grandparents

For context I should say I'm a bloke who's now exW started taking our dd (7) on play dates with a chap from work, his wife & kids last March - roll forward 3 months she announced she's not happy in our marriage - another 6 months and we were divorced. Shortly after I hear from dd that the bloke and his wife are separated and another 6 months later they are living together. Obviously I had my suspicions at the time but they have always denied - and continue to deny they were involved before either marriage ended.

So to my point - I know that my pil had been told about the "new" relationship before they ever told me and that they met the OM numerous times BUT they have been an integral part of my dd's life and I need to make myself see that it would be her that suffers if I make waves with them

I am not saying that I find it easy to be in their presence but I have full joint custody and do the occasional drop off / collection with them and have her phone them when I have her for extended periods

Sorry for the long post and not judging but your situation was so similar to where I was a few months ago I hope it helps

Allnewtome - thanks for your perspective and I completely agree. Since we split I have said they are welcome here whenever they like, invited them to her birthday party, text photos while we were on holiday, etc. but I do feel like they are making waves and not me. At the moment I don't feel I can have a relationship with them but maybe further down the line I will.

She still sees them in a weekly basis through my ex so still has a good relationship with them. If they thought having a relationship with me was important then they could call me or pop round and try to build bridges but they haven't bothered.

Agree with what everyone else has said. But also... What goes around comes around.

If your coward of a exH gets his head turned easily/gets bored/ repeats the same issues over and over again, which he seems to do, it will happen again with the OW. Just you wait and see.

Over the course of the next ten years, The ILs will be exhausted from adapting themselves to constantly changing circumstances over the years. You can pity them for having a son like that.

18 months is nothing for your exH and OW. That's still the honeymoon period. Just wait for the rest.

Thanks sabell - I know it's sad but I really do hope it all ends up going badly wrong for him, he deserves it!! And yes I do believe he hasn't resolved any of his issues and is capable of doing it all over again.