Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Just what is all this about? Does any of this make any sense to anyone?

(17 Posts)
MadeOfStars Wed 06-Aug-14 19:25:56

Name changed (again!), for this one. Can't make any sense of my own head, so hoping someone else can!

I always had a very intense, almost co-dependent relationship with my dh. We settled down young, and have been together now nearly 19 years.

It was an intense relationship anyway, up until about 3 years ago, when I fell in love with somebody else.

Hardly the right thing to do, I know, but dh had done lots of things over the years that had hurt me very much, so when it happened, I didn't feel any guilt at all to be honest.

The OM is completely different to my dh. In looks, in personality....everything about him is the complete opposite to dh.

At first, I couldn't really understand how I was so attracted to him. He was so not anything like my normal 'type', but we got on very well, and gradually got very close.

I never had any intention whatsoever that I would leave dh, or that I would have a life with OM. I just enjoyed the times that we spent together and felt very little guilt.

The way that I fell for him, was really very odd indeed. Every so often I would have these weird flashes of 'what the hell am I doing? He's not even good looking? Why am I doing this?'

But there was this attraction to his personality and his sense of humour that just got stronger and stronger.

Now, I look back and I can't understand why I used to think he wasn't good looking. He's absolutely gorgeous.

I'm slowly coming to the conclusion that I've changed, I've grown up, I'm attracted to different things now. And this man seems to be it. We have an excellent relationship.

But what if I've got it all wrong? What if I'm having some kind of crazy mid life crisis thing, and I just can't see it while I'm in it?

I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't have written all this. I probably sound awful, but obviously there is a huge back story to this which would take you all hours to read if I wrote it all out!

I guess I'm just hoping that talking out loud about it a bit might help me to see things more clearly.

If you've got this far, thank you.

LEMmingaround Wed 06-Aug-14 19:28:50

I think you should leave your dh. Do you have children? It probably won't work with om but you clearly are unhappy in your marriage so why stay?

NamesNick Wed 06-Aug-14 19:32:45

I think you've fallen in love with the way om makes you feel about yourself.

leave your husband if you're not happy.

why stay?

Molotov Wed 06-Aug-14 19:35:42

Just leave your DH because if things were good with the two of you, you wouldn't have fallen in love with the OM. And it sounds like you have.

I saw my DM go through all of this (she could have written your post 16 years ago). All the longing; pain and suffering amounted to nothing because she ultimately stayed with my DF.

And they're not happy. They get along, but they're not in love.

MadeOfStars Wed 06-Aug-14 20:07:30

It's amazing really how something said by complete strangers who have read just a snippet about my life, is probably right sad

But it makes me so sad. I can't bear the thought of splitting up the family.

And when I look way back, I loved dh so so much. Where on earth has all that gone?

MadeOfStars Wed 06-Aug-14 20:08:26

Molotov - your mum's story sounds fascinating and sad. I'd love to talk to her!

Earsareconstantlyringing Wed 06-Aug-14 20:20:41

This could have been me a handful of years ago. I tried to stay, I tried so hard to feel differently about my DH but once it had gone, it had gone.

Like you, we'd been together close to 20 years having got together very young, and over time, we'd drifted apart but continued to be together and happy enough. Like you, I then met someone else who became a friend, and then so much more. I didn't act on it, but I felt it, and I knew I couldn't continue with what I had. Again, like you, my DH wasn't faultless, he was a good man but not a brilliant husband.

I left, after the best part of a year of heartache and trying, and while it was tough, it was the right decision.

OM and I have now been married for five years, have had more children and I've never been happier.

Molotov Wed 06-Aug-14 20:23:06

Stars, it was all very bitter-sweet. Looking back, it's clear that my DM just fell out of love with my DF. As simplistic as that sounds, it is essentially what happened. Lots of reasons, but that's the bottom line. The OM was the exact opposite to my DF in looks and personality, and therein lay the appeal.

I wish they had just given it a try. It would have made all the pain worth it somehow. They almost had something, but both were nearing middle-age and scared of losing what they had with their DH/DW.

My parents separated for 9 years. I'm sure there was an on/off thing with the OM going on, but it ended.

My parents got back together for companionship and financial security. They know eachother well. They are good friends. But no magic. No sparks.

Molotov Wed 06-Aug-14 20:27:29

I suppose it is just a question of what you want out of life.

MadeOfStars Wed 06-Aug-14 20:44:17

That's a perfect way to describe my dh, ears - a good man, but a rubbish husband. Most people think he's a lovely bloke, but they don't see how cold and emotionless he is towards life.

Your story sounds so similar to mine! I really can't imagine getting that happy ending in my life at the moment though. How involved were you with OM at the point of the split?

And the comparison with Molotov's mum is all too clear.

I feel trapped though. There's so many 'other' reasons why leaving dh is the wrong thing to do. Nothing seems to make sense anymore.

whatisforteamum Wed 06-Aug-14 20:49:30

STARS i too met someone else 10 yrs ago and he was the total opposite of DH in everyway,looks,outlook on life age.I probably had 2 of the best yrs of my life however bad that sounds.I too had met DH at 20 and we had been together for 18 yrs.I was torn as i didnt want to go back to my drudgery life.However i decided it was the affair that was exciting and maybe life with OM wouldnt be the same (with my 2 little dcs) common sense kicked in and i stayed married.
I knew however heartbreaking i had to do the right thing for DH and DCS.Virtually everyone tried to make me give it a go with OM. Only you know how you really feel...gut instinct and all that.
If i ever started anything now it would be after a clean break from DH as being torn emotionally between 2 situations takes its toll.Good luck.

MadeOfStars Wed 06-Aug-14 21:02:09

That's interesting Whatisfortea. Did you ever feel that you'd completely fallen out of love with your dh? Have you been able to get your feelings back for him?

I sometimes wonder if OM disappeared from my life totally, would I eventually get over him, and assuming so, would I ever feel anything for dh again? Or is that spark long gone, never to return regardless of OM?

I've tried and tried over the last couple of years to feel some sort of attraction to dh again. I try and remember how it felt to be so in love with him. Sometimes, for a fleeting moment I can almost see it. And then it's gone. I just can't get it back.

whatisforteamum Wed 06-Aug-14 21:30:26

Well the OM had a jealous streak my DH doesnt at all.It took me 6 weeks to get over OM badly then my life went back to normalish.The man contacted me a few months later i jumped at the chance to meet him and we quickly picked up again.However when push came to shove i wouldnt break up my family and it felt more like a distraction from day to day life.

.My DH and i made a real effort..4 yrs ago i lost my sex drive but it came back.Hard to say wether my feelings returned for DH as 2 parents with incurable cancer then DH had a heart attack.We are struggling at the mo after 28 yrs but i stayed for stability and the kids and Dh has had a bad yr healthwise.
strangley i thought if ever he was in a life or death situation i would realize how much i loved him but i didnt.So it is hard to say what i thought several decades together would feel like compared to 2 yrs of hugs,affection and newness.

BeginningToSeeTheLight Wed 06-Aug-14 22:23:28

Has all this been going on without DH suspecting anything? I'd be surprised if the lack of trust and honesty involved here hadn't impacted your emotional connection. Maybe he is putting up with this knowledge for the stability of your family. Also you say he us cold / emotionless, but other people don't notice. Are your expectations of him realistic? People deal with emotion in different ways. Some people need to talk to others whereas others need to withdraw. But they all have emotions.

MillyDots Wed 06-Aug-14 22:30:35

You asked where your love for your DH has gone. Only you know your back story and why you let your self fall for the OM. It happened because there is something missing in the relationship with your DH. Did you talk to your DH about your feelings before you let yourself fall into this other relationship? Did you try and work it out and give him the chance to right the wrongs? If you do leave your husband you may find that the other man is not who you think he is and not what you want and you may find that you want your husband back but it may be too late. So if you really are confused and unhappy about breaking up your marriage and want to find the love you felt for him again, then you need to talk to him and see if it is salvageable. The OM is probably a distraction.

MadeOfStars Wed 06-Aug-14 23:10:08

I suppose this is what I mean by cold and emotionless.

My behaviour in our relationship has changed dramatically in the last 3 years. Dh has barely noticed. And what he does notice, he doesn't bother to comment on or do anything about. It doesn't surprise me one bit. This is how detached he is from everything and everybody in his life.

I used to talk and talk and talk to him about the state of our relationship and tried so many ideas to get close to him.

He would say the right things to shut me up, but he couldn't change.

BeginningToSeeTheLight Thu 07-Aug-14 04:15:29

Were there any other changes going on in your life at the time e.g. birth of a child? When we are are under pressure it can seem easier to turn to someone without the everyday responsibilities and commitments that can get in the way of maintaining a good relationship.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now