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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can respect ever be reinstated after a massive fallout?

54 replies

msbrightside · 07/08/2014 07:40

I'm so confused and could do with some guidance. sorry this is so long..

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months, its been a very full on relationship, very intense, passionate, symbiotic even.we have been dotty about each other and talked of building a life together. we both have children from previous relationships and have, by our mid 40's experienced a lot of life stuff and this is the 1st serious relationship for either of us for a long time - i've mostly been single and carefree - he's worked hard and had online flings/hook-ups.

so we've both been blown away by the intensity of the relationship and adored every minute - we spend most days together and i've started working with him a couple of months ago - helping out with admin and online stuff for his company. i was tentative at first about us working together - the power shift/being answerable of my bf etc - but this seemed like a practical soluition - i needed the work - he needed the help.. after a rocky start we seemed to be finding our rhythm however some flare ups would happen and he would flip out and speak to me in a really inappropriate way - obvs i wasnt pleased with this and pulled him up but also allowed some leeway as he's not had anyone help him with his company that he's been running for 9 years. a few times i'd had 2nd thoughts about the whole situation but persevered - the set up suits me to work from home, with child & dog commitments etc.

however last week he went beserk at me, at 7am, shouting and losing the plot at me over a work thing. his reaction to me was shocking - yelling and squaring up to me - not physically but very threateningly - i cowered (not like me to do this, i'd normally have my say ) and let him get it all out - i knew he was tired and stressed (and on a comedown from the previous weekend at a festival) it left me incredibly upset and shaken up - crying and baffled and actually concerned for his mental state - i actually thought he was having a breakdown. my friends were horrified at his behaviour, he'd gone mental at me whilst my kids were asleep in their bedroom, hiding away as he ranted on at me - the whole apartment block must have heard it.. afterwards i tried to get him help, via the docs and support for his anger issues. he eventualy apologised, but still maintained he was right about his outburst. since then we've talked and talked and tried to resolve a few things, but i am no longer working with him, so he's now left with more work and a fractured relationship.
i am now deeply concerned about how we get passed this and if its possible to return to the amazing connection we had before.i feel like we have crossed over to the dark side.. the bubble has definitely burst and all goodwill has gone - it feels like he's lost respect for me as this went so far. can this be repairable? once things have got to this level can they go back or is this so damaging that we will just implode?

OP posts:

StandsOnGoldenSands · 07/08/2014 07:44

Sounds like a red flag to me. I'd walk away tbh. That kind of intensity in a new relationship can often spell trouble I'm afraid.
Good that you aren't working for him anymore, don't go back to that.

tumbletumble · 07/08/2014 07:44

He's lost respect for you?? After what you describe surely it should be the other way round?

JustTheRightBullets · 07/08/2014 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FunkyBoldRibena · 07/08/2014 07:45

9 months in?

His inner monster came out. What do you want to do, carry on waiting for it to come out again?

It is ignoring these signs that leads to years of being in abusive relationships.

Galvanised · 07/08/2014 07:46

Why would you want to repair this?
Your children heard all this? how are they feeling hearing their mum being abused?

doziedoozie · 07/08/2014 07:47

Do you live together?

JustTheRightBullets · 07/08/2014 07:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreudianGymSlip · 07/08/2014 07:51

Symbiotic relationships are unhealthy relationships. Full stop.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/08/2014 07:54

i tried to get him help, via the docs and support for his anger issues
No this is not right. You've got a guy who has a nasty temper and has treated you badly, doesn't think he's done anything wrong and you try to get him help with his anger? 1- he doesn't have anger issues if he can control it the rest if the time and 2- even if he did, you can't get him help with it, he would have to.
he eventualy apologised, but still maintained he was right about his outburst
He eventually apologied? to get you to shut up He still thinks he was in the right? Even though this was pretty much in front of your children? He's teinf you exactly who he is here and you'd better listen or risk exposing your children to a very unpleasant, bullying man.

It sounds as though he's sucked you in with this intense display of love and codependency and he's now letting the mask slip a bit.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/08/2014 07:55

Teinf = telling

Ledkr · 07/08/2014 08:12

Your kids were either asleep or hiding away while he ranted, which one is correct? Either way I'd be more concerned about them than anything else, hard enough for them to accept a new man never mind one who behaves like this.
You say he was on a "comedown" from a festival, do you mean a comedown from drugs?
I go to a lots of festivals at this time of year and manage to function normally the week after so no excuse and if it is drugs then surely that's another red flag.
I'd move on if I was you, it shouldn't be this hard so early on.

Original poster

msbrightside · 07/08/2014 08:17

thank you for all your replies - much appreciated.

tumbletumble, yes i think i have lost respect for him, i'm in shock at the level he went to and obvs cautious now - i think i've been way too nice and helpful with him (which he was with me in the beginning) and lost sight of my own boundaries in the process.

justtherightbullets - you're right, i know, work is such a huge part of his life and now this has gone wrong there is a division between us as im not going to help him out anymore.

doziedoozie - no we dont live together, however he had virtually moved in, spent perhaps 1/2 nights back at his each week.
elvislovesthebhrothers - you are spot on, i thought he was on the verge of a breakdown, turns out he is fine - but this is how he is when he is fine?/?

i'm left baffled over his behaviour - i'm not a pushover, i'm an independent, tough woman who manages well on my own - i've let somenone into my world and enjoyed having a partner for a change - i've wanted to get this right as there has been a lot of good times between us.
i've laughed a lot with my friends that he needs to go to cool school - its just not so funny anymore

OP posts:

FolkGirl · 07/08/2014 08:18

Blimey, OP, I'm having my own 9 month in relationship issue at the moment, but even I can see that this is all so very, very wrong!

Why are you worried about him losing respect for you? Haven't you lost respect for him?

You're concerned for his mental state and you've tried to get him help?

Seriously, just walk away from this.

FolkGirl · 07/08/2014 08:21

x post.

But I would just walk away.

It's hard because when you've found someone you think is ok, it's hard to walk away when there are signs that it's not.

Afterall, it's not like it was when we were 17 and we could just go out and find a new boyfriend next Saturday...

It's actually quite nice to think you might have another chance at love and all that. But I think it's even more important we don't compromise now.

BeforeAndAfter · 07/08/2014 08:24

I suspect you're seeing the real him now. It takes a while to get past that blissful loved-up phase where we're all on our best behaviour. I'd be waving goodbye in your shoes.

Original poster

msbrightside · 07/08/2014 08:24

is there really no repairing this then? thats it?

folkgirl - i did wonder if 9 months is a pivotal time in a new relationship..
whats your issue?

OP posts:

BeforeAndAfter · 07/08/2014 08:29

Why would you want to repair anything with someone who goes berserk? Do you really want your children to learn to control others through anger? If I screw up at work no-one goes berserk. If people who report to me screw up I don't go berserk. If I got something wrong at home my XH would not go berserk. It's not normal behaviour.

FolkGirl · 07/08/2014 08:32

Oh, just seeing through the loveliness to the truth.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/08/2014 08:33

Why would you want to repair this?
He yells at you and abuses you verbally. He will so it again. He doesn't care that your children heard. Come on! Do you think this was just an aberration? That he will never do this again? Of course he will! He didn't even apologise without being harangued into it, and he still thinks he was in the right!

FolkGirl · 07/08/2014 08:38

But I agree, why would you want to repair this? Why would you want this to be the normal for the rest of your life?

It's fine to disagree and argue without losing respect. But what he did (in front of the children, too) was unforgiveable. To be honest, I'd find it easy to walk away in the face of something as clear and obvious as you have.

Original poster

msbrightside · 07/08/2014 08:44

folkgirl - similar thing huh?! i guess no one can keep up a front for over 9 months..

beforeandafter - i totally agree - i dont operate like this ever, espec not at work - i said to him many times that he'd have trouble finding someone else to do the work with the way he speaks to me at times.. he even asked me to write a gumtree ad for my replacement..! 'situation vacant - personal assistant to controlling angry man - duties to include being yelled at, no appreciation, no training, no bonuses, erratic workload to include endless supportive counselling & sorting out bosses issues with his ex and sons custody battle'
FFS...

OP posts:

Lweji · 07/08/2014 08:45

You need to walk away.
He has shown you how he is and if your life further becomes entangled with his it will get worse.
This is a typical abuser hook. You remember the beginning of the relationship and think you can get it back, but you can't. That was not his true self. The present is. Where he lost his mask is his true self.

Think of your children and end it now.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/08/2014 08:46

FFs indeed. So you now say that he has been controlling, angry and abusive on several occasions during your period working for him? Has he been controlling and verbally abusive during your couple time? (Not at work I mean)

Lweji · 07/08/2014 08:48

Even the way you describe your early relationship is very common for the beginning of abusive relationships. Too full on, too perfect. Symbiotic?
And then the cracks as you started working with him were huge red flags.

FolkGirl · 07/08/2014 08:53

Hm, your last post suggests that there has been more than just this one 'fallout'.

You need to just walk away. He isn't going to get any better.

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