Can respect ever be reinstated after a massive fallout?

[msbrightside]

I'm so confused and could do with some guidance. sorry this is so long..

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months, its been a very full on relationship, very intense, passionate, symbiotic even.we have been dotty about each other and talked of building a life together. we both have children from previous relationships and have, by our mid 40's experienced a lot of life stuff and this is the 1st serious relationship for either of us for a long time - i've mostly been single and carefree - he's worked hard and had online flings/hook-ups.

so we've both been blown away by the intensity of the relationship and adored every minute - we spend most days together and i've started working with him a couple of months ago - helping out with admin and online stuff for his company. i was tentative at first about us working together - the power shift/being answerable of my bf etc - but this seemed like a practical soluition - i needed the work - he needed the help.. after a rocky start we seemed to be finding our rhythm however some flare ups would happen and he would flip out and speak to me in a really inappropriate way - obvs i wasnt pleased with this and pulled him up but also allowed some leeway as he's not had anyone help him with his company that he's been running for 9 years. a few times i'd had 2nd thoughts about the whole situation but persevered - the set up suits me to work from home, with child & dog commitments etc.

however last week he went beserk at me, at 7am, shouting and losing the plot at me over a work thing. his reaction to me was shocking - yelling and squaring up to me - not physically but very threateningly - i cowered (not like me to do this, i'd normally have my say ) and let him get it all out - i knew he was tired and stressed (and on a comedown from the previous weekend at a festival) it left me incredibly upset and shaken up - crying and baffled and actually concerned for his mental state - i actually thought he was having a breakdown. my friends were horrified at his behaviour, he'd gone mental at me whilst my kids were asleep in their bedroom, hiding away as he ranted on at me - the whole apartment block must have heard it.. afterwards i tried to get him help, via the docs and support for his anger issues. he eventualy apologised, but still maintained he was right about his outburst. since then we've talked and talked and tried to resolve a few things, but i am no longer working with him, so he's now left with more work and a fractured relationship.
i am now deeply concerned about how we get passed this and if its possible to return to the amazing connection we had before.i feel like we have crossed over to the dark side.. the bubble has definitely burst and all goodwill has gone - it feels like he's lost respect for me as this went so far. can this be repairable? once things have got to this level can they go back or is this so damaging that we will just implode?

personal assistant to controlling angry man - duties to include being yelled at, no appreciation, no training, no bonuses, erratic workload to include endless supportive counselling & sorting out bosses issues with his ex and sons custody battle'

Why are you even asking this question?

Walk away, right now

this is who he is.

He sounds like a nightmare Op. Walk away. So sorry.

It's a shame when, what seems at first to be a potentially a good relationship, a good man, turns out to be an abusive arsehole. But on the plus side, it's only been 9 months and you're not living together.

Why would you want to try to repair a relationship with a man who behaves like this? How can you repair this when he doesn't think he's done anything wrong?

The worst part for me was that he was yelling and your children heard it. A big, fat No NO.

You need to demonstrate to your dc that its not ok for people to do this. If you don't they will, on some level think its ok.

The way he reacted is not the way a boss reacts to an employee. Most folk can have a rational conversation about work related matters.

The other bad thing is he still says he was in the right? Wtf. You need to hand in your resignation IMO

Don't walk.
RUN...
Run fast and don't look back.
Your last post just shows this nasty piece of work for what he is.
Pack up his stuff.
Tell him to get out and then block and ignore.
You know you are worth more than this.
Find that strong independent woman again.
And do NOT listen to his BS about changing.
He won't. They never do.

what hellsbellsmelons just said ^

It's awful, but look on it as a bit of luck - you've found out relatively early in the relationship that he's a nasty arse. Finish it right off right now. You deserve far far better and so do your lovely children.

Jesus christ, why would you want to stay with this man?

Because he can be nice at least 50% of the time before he flips out like some kind of psycho and starts screaming at you? And leaves you "cowed" in the corner?

Is that really how little you value yourself and your children?

You describe yourself as a strong and independent woman....I'm not trying to be rude, but maybe you used to be before you met this man. Now you are coming across as making excuses for him, desperate to stay together with an absolute arsehole, and who is - at least on an emotional level - beginning to become dependant on said arsehole.

That's neither strong nor independent.

If it helps at all, the strongest most fierecly independent woman I know spent a good six years in an abusive relationship. He never hit her, but he did throw a lamp across a room in front of her during a fight, would start raging arguments with her whenever good something happened to her, would criticise her constantly and generally made her feel like complete shit. She started to become a shell of who she was, but couldn't see it, because in her mind, she was so strong and independent. It was only after she left and started seeing someone else she began to realise it wasn't normal. Oh, and also the look of horror on our faces when she started telling us about their relationship, and why she couldn't understand that it was abnormal for a while.

So you wouldn't be the first.

Once again op you are a case of someone getting far too involved, far too quickly, throwing your hand in completely with a man you hardly know and, worst of all, dragging your kids in too.

Read the opening part of your op. Think about how, I dunno, silly that sounds. Like you are 17! Now don't get me wrong, I'm all for connections, and great sex and all that lovely stuff. I've felt the same. But why do you need to be virtually living together and working together less than a year after you met? Quite clearly you didn't know him well enough.

This is what he's like op. An aggressive arsehole with massive anger issues. Even worse, he's one that refuses to acknowledge that.

Instead of working out how you can start to respect him again, have a think about how you can respect yourself again, enough to stop this happening again.

I'm sorry to sound harsh and I'm not blaming you that he's a knob. You can't change that (or him. And believe me he won't). But what you can do is run for the hills and work out how to avoid putting your kids (and yourself) through this in the future!

sorry for dipping out - been packing & cleaning all morning as i'm taking my kids camping this weekend.
thank you all so much for your responses, they have been very enlightening and given me a lot to think over. i dont want to live my life scared of his moods and flip outs - i saw him briefly this morning and the way he looks at me now has changed - all the tenderness and warmth has fallen out of his eyes.. its very sad.. once again he was stressed and edgy - he always was a bit before but with me i'd kind of cheer him up or brighten up his day - now i seem to be the brunt of all that goes wrong in his world.
i dont have negative people in my world normally, i have amazing friends with great energies and kindness, and we have accepted my bf into our group - they like him - but they dont like whats gone on obvs.

we are away for the weekend so agreed not to talk to bf till after - tbh i need the break - only now all this has blown up am i starting to see things clearly, think for myself and not just 'us' and sort myself out... i'm now unemployed!

9 months and it's like this - he's a bully and a nasty piece of work, it's not about him losing respect for you, you should have lost all respect for him, and your poor kids.

Unless you are really desperate for ANY man, I'd cut my losses and move on, he sounds absolutely vile.

i've wanted to get this right as there has been a lot of good times between us.

so you've done your half of it. Thing is, he needs to want to get this right too.

Does he?

Your job advert was scary. Get out now.

msbrightside I felt quite sad reading your posts. It seems that what started out as a really positive relationship, has gone pear-shaped and blew up in smoke, with you sanding there scratching your head going "how the hell did that happen??"

Your OP seems to suggest you don't want to walk away just yet, but your confident in this person has been shattered. It sounds like he massively hit the roof over something, is now caught up in an emotional loop of shame and cannot retrieve the situation. Its kinda " when you get yourself into a hole, stop digging" except he hasn't just stopped at a shovel, he's gotten himself a JCB now! Sometimes people's pride gets in the way and they have to keep self justifying because of their shame.

If you feel things are worth investing in, and you want to bring it back from the brink ....It makes me think, could you agree a 'time out' period of NC for 2-3 weeks, with the understanding that you will both use the time to clear your heads, think closely about where you've reached, what you had over the 9 months you were together and what you both want for the future, either with or without each other. You could agree a date to get back together, when you can have an honest conversation on neutral ground. You could, in the meantime think of some reasonable ground rules for what you consider to be acceptable behaviour that would enable you to resume the relationship. If he doesn't agree to what you ask for, maybe thats your sign that you are less compatible than you thought.

Do you mind me asking, and if it isn't too personal or likely to 'out' you if you need confidentiality, what was the catalyst that sent him rocketing into outer space. What happened to make him lose his temper to that extent...

Oops sorry I did not see your latest update.

Sorry if my suggestion seems clueless, maybe you are coming to the conclusion it is a busted flush

bitoutofpractice not always the case, I met my dh one night and simply knew he was my future. Kind and loving and extremely understanding of how difficult it was for my children. We were married within 6 months with the kids blessing and have been together for 10yrs.
It's hard being alone with children and equally hard to get back I to dating but men do it all the time I didn't see why women always get slated for having their own life.

I think deep down you knew how he really was. That's why you had reservations about working for him.
It was lucky, though, because of it he saw you as dependent on him and beneath him and treated you accordingly, rather when you were married/living together and had children together.

You'd do well to listen to those instincts more.

And you mentioning how you could cheer him up from his life? That is a red flag. You were somehow responsible for his happiness because he wasn't happy with the world. It was just a matter of time before you became part of the problem as he thought you were hooked.

There is no way you can be happy with him. You are not responsible for him, but you are responsible for yourself and the children and none of you deserve this.

Ledkr I have been a sp too I have had two long term relationships. I am in one now. I have absolutely no problem whatsoever with women getting out there are dating / finding love / whatever.

However I do find it hard to stomach when people dive in so so quickly with men they hardly know, dragging their kids behind them.

Just because it worked for you (and that's great) doesn't mean that women with kids shouldn't be extra cautious about it. You know as well as anyone from reading these boards just how often it can and does go wrong

The op was with the guy for 9 months.
How long do you suggest a woman with kids leaves it before the kids know.
With difficulties with getting babysitters the chances to develop a relationship with anyone are very limited for a lone parent. It would be very difficult to meet anyone if you had to conduct it secretly for ages.

They got very involved a lot sooner than 9 months Ledkr. She has already been working for him for several months and he has all but moved in already.

There's obviously not a set time. And meeting the kids in itself isn't the be all and end all.

But the moving in, working together and basically throwing your whole life's lot with a man you hardly know is a problem if kids are involved. And it often goes wrong - as it clearly has done here. I know it didn't for you but it has here and you must admit that you see it time and time again here

I think you should leave him - he's shown you who he is, now. It's worrying that you think his personality can be 'fixed' with counselling - this is who he is.

Also - he was on a 'comedown' after a festival? He takes drugs?

That's what I was going to say, pogue. OP, what kind of comedown was he on? Most festival goers just need a good dinner and a hot shower. What was his problem?

I was also wondering about the 'comedown' remark. Drugs/alcohol involved?

Fair enough bitoutof I just get defensive when women are criticised for dating when blokes can just start again just seeing their kids every weekend!

I did ask about the "comedown" in my first post. I wondered that too.

When you said 'intense', 'blown away' and 'adored' so early in your post, I almost knew what was coming next.

You've now been verbally abused and frightened by him, after several episodes of speaking to you inappropriately (which was paving the way).

I'm not surprised you thought he was having a breakdown, but I expect he was happy and as sweet as can be after the eruption. And, worse, he thinks his outburst was justifiable. :(

This is abuse, and abusive relationships often start just like yours did. You mentioned a custody battle with the ex with regard to his son? Perhaps this is why.

Oh hell Ledkr if you'd seen me out dating like a demon last year you would know that i have no trouble WHATSOEVER about women going out there and dating again. MOre power to them I say!

FWIW I would advise a male friend to cool it a bit if I saw him leaping in too deep too soon with someone he didn't know too.

Anyway, I think we are absolutely on the same line of the same page about the OP's bloke. Who is a tool