Been with my DP over 5 yrs, both of us divorced with children. Mine live with me, whilst his live with his ex but he sees them several times a week for an hr or so and the occ night over. Mine go to their dads every other weekend. I love my DP very much altho' he hasn't always treated me very well in the past. We don't live together and I feel very resentful that we have not naturally progressed because everything else comes first with him. When we first got together he was stony break and I helped him out financially with a car, flat deposit, guarantor, evenpaying the mortgage on his marital home as it was about to be repossessed and he didn't want his exwife and kids to be homeless. He did over several long yrs pay most of the money back but it was never his priority. He is still many thousands of pounds in debt but is repaying it through Stepchange. He can easily afford to do this as he retrained 5 yrs ago and is now in a very well paid job but even so by the time he pays his rent on his house, his debt, a very generous child maintenance payment , pub money and his golfing passion ( playing several times a week ) there is not a lot left. Whereas I own my own home , am mortgage free and have been careful and have savings( thro' sheer hard work, not luck! ). I know that if he gave up his rental home we could live a great life and build a great future together as we both earn decent money, whereas at the moment I seem to spend all my spare cash on maintaining a house whilst he justs spends his on himself. He loves being in my home , eating, using the power shower, big screen tele etc and we always entertain here as he prefers it and his own house is very basic and quite primitive. He is not at all generous with me and despite going on several golfing weekends a yr has never offered to take me anywhere even though I have pretty much fed him for the last five yrs with almost zero contribution from him whilst I always pay my way when we go out. In fact last yr I found out had been allowing me to feed him for yrs because he let me believe he was really struggling when in fact he was lying to me about how much he was giving his exwife. He was paying considerably more than he needed to and pretending to pay less. Very honourable but I felt really upset that I had been taken advantage of. I guess I just feel he has the best of both worlds but prioritises his ex wife over us. She just for the record has never been anything but truly unpleasant and I have always been expected to ' let it go' for his and his kids sake. We do talk about it and first it was his childrens feelings stopping him ( they are nice teenagers but very possessive over him and very vocal of their needs, the eldest however is very rude and mean to me). He also has a dog that lives with him, it was the kids pet puppy that the exwife insisted they couldn't keep, although they rarely bother with the dog much or helping out as DP works 12 hr shifts and the dog gets left alone in the house endlessly, he knows it's not fair on the dog but won't seriously consider rehoming as the kids would be upset. It is a staffie and has a real hatred for small furry things so even tho we have tried in the past her staying in my home my poor old cat is terrified and it's very stressful for everyone. The consequence of this is that DP is always rushing home last thing at night, first thing in morning to walk , feed dog and Inbetween his very long shifts I just feel I am forever waiting on him to be available. I know I am painting a bleak picture but my DP is very affectionate , tells me he loves me all the time . 6 months ago we split and I told him how frustrated I was and he went all out and worked very hard to get me back, with promises of the things he wouldchange and we would be living together. Six months on, still as loving as ever but he has not put one thing into action just lots of words and lame actions. I know I deserve better than this but I've invested so much love into him and I know he loves me,and is proud to be with me ,and we get on great, he just doesn't love me enough to committ to me. I feel sad that I'm not enough for him, just a trophy girlfriend. Thank you for reading,sorry it's a bit muddled.
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Relationships
Am I wasting my time with this man, please be honest
Crunchypeanut · 06/08/2014 22:50
wotodoo... No, OP doesn't need paragraphs. The rest of us managed. 
OP... your partner (not really a partner at all) is using you. You've bailed him out constantly. Do you really know what he's like when he's in hot water? Is he resourceful? He's a grown man and should be self-sufficient. He isn't, he's still heavily reliant on you and paying you back should have been his first priority. It wasn't.
He sounds utterly selfish and mean - example of selfish: foisting a dog on your cat at home. Example of mean: never treating you, never taking you out anywhere.
How does he live with himself that he's happy for you to provide ALL... and how do you hold your head up knowing that you do and he doesn't care, OP? You deserve much, much better. Dump him for your sake. For GOOD :(
I know this thread has been awful for you to read. Some of us have been where you are, I know I have. Cowed and feeling worthless, I too felt that being with somebody was better than being with nobody, no matter how badly he treated me. It got so bad that it didn't matter to me whether I lived or died.
Some considerable time after that point, I decided that I did want to live and had nothing more to lose and walked away from him for the last time. I felt rubbish on my own but I'd felt rubbish during the relationship too. I think that's the point at which you are, Crunchy. I'll tell you now that being an empowered woman, the captain of your own decisions and the owner of all of your money and possessions, is a feeling like no other, particularly when you've been abused as you have.
I don't know how old you are but unless you've had a telegram from the Queen congratulating you on 100 years, you have time and it's on your side. Take action now and jettison this leech. He won't change, he really doesn't care and he's cruel, offering you just enough to keep you on the hook so that you don't see what's out there in the wide world. That's manipulation right there and it's abusive.
Have your cry, Crunchy then change your number and your e-mail address and get rid of any of his stuff. You need some time alone to rally from this because it's very hard - but you will, you know, and then you'll grab your life back because it's YOUR life and it's high time you made it good for you. Don't rely on anybody else to do that... easy to say, difficult to do, I know, but it's true.
Put out a call to your friends, they will distract you whilst you are getting your house in order.
for you Crunchy, you'll get there, don't be afraid.
ThatSmellsLikePoo... that's really kind of you, thank you, usually I'm on a cloud somewhere on my own.
crunchy Many of us have been in your shoes and that is why we can see it so clearly. I have had my heart absolutely shattered to the point where I didn't know how I would get through each day, but I am now Bigger Badder and Better than ever
I promise you it can be done and actually you will find little parts of yourself that you thought you had lost once you separate yourself from this draining relationship.
I know I say this far too often but Baggage Reclaim saved my life. Have a good read of it when you get the chance OP.
Here's to you and the rest of your fabulous life 
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