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Original poster

Age gap has become an issue/scared of old age alone

35 replies

monkeytree · 06/08/2014 22:36

Have been with dh for 14 years, never has our 15 year age gap been an issue. Dh is pretty fit and has a healthy lifestyle. I turned 40 this year and was fortunate to have second dd last year after a few years of fertility problems. Also have a dd who is 8. Dh is a good dad and currently the girls have a lot of fun with him etc. I'm not sure if I am having some kind of mid life crisis but all I can do is look to the future and see myself being on my own at a relatively young age compared to friends who have dh's in their 40's. I fear for the girls too. I also gave up work recently and struggle to see the future apart from this awful bleakness. Dd2 needs a minor op soon and that's playing on my mind my anxiety has spread to worry that something bad will happen to dd's and now I seem to be living some hellish half life. I have just started counselling. I regret not having more dcs and currently trying for third dc even though chances are v. Slim. How do I get this anxiety out of my head and get on with the here and now just doesn't feel like this anxiety will shift, nothing can stop time moving on.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 06/08/2014 22:38

Sorry I need your help.

You are 40, he is 25 and you have been together 14 years? I cant make that work unless he was 11 when you got together, which I am desperately hoping you werent!

Bogeyface · 06/08/2014 22:38

I mean, hoping he wasnt 11 not you!

Bogeyface · 06/08/2014 22:39

Sorry.

Shall I just fuck off now? He is 55 isnt he?

So embarrassed...........Blush

lucidlady · 06/08/2014 22:39

I think OP is 40 and her DH is 55?

PinkSquash · 06/08/2014 22:39

He's 15yrs older bogey

TarkaTheOtter · 06/08/2014 22:39

OP is the younger one.

LilyandGinger · 06/08/2014 22:40

Bogey I think the OP is 40 and her DH 55...

PinkSquash · 06/08/2014 22:40

Grin Bogey,

TarkaTheOtter · 06/08/2014 22:40

X-post Grin

Bogeyface · 06/08/2014 22:40

Xpost with everyone who is not as stupid as me!

FFS......early night needed I think!

LilyandGinger · 06/08/2014 22:40

It's late Bogey.. Grin

NaturalBlondeYeahRight · 06/08/2014 22:44

I have a similar age gap to you OP and I'm the same sort of age for you. I have to admit that it has crossed my mind occasionally. I plan to work, keep a wide circle of friends and be social, hoping that this continues when/if necessary. I don't want to be reliant on the DC.

Saying that, my parents were the same age and my father died at quite a young age so she is facing a long time possibly alone (iykwim) and she didn't expect to. You never know what's around the corner.

Squidstirfry · 06/08/2014 22:45

Your obviously stressed about lots of things. Are you concerned about your suitability as a couple in other ways?
He's only 55, not exactly waiting for god!
The main thing is that love and cherish one another now. U never know what is around the corner. U could get hit by a bus.

hellymelly · 06/08/2014 22:45

Surely she means her DH is 55?
I have a friend who is 50, her DH is 73. She is realistic that he may die before her, but equally he comes from a family who sometimes live into their 90s, he is very fit, and they are happily married. Friend had some serious health issues a few years back that luckily are ok, but might not have been. No-one knows how long they have. 15 years isn't a massive gap, yes statistically you are likely to outlive him, but actually you may not, he may get to 100 and you might pop off your perch at 85.
Enjoy what you have. Do you think you could have PND? Or a delayed reaction to the stress of fertility treatment? Turning 40 can feel stressful if you think you might be too old for a baby when you want another. I wonder if you are just having some mid-life angst generally? I have been much more aware of my own mortality and the fragility of live since turning 40 (I am ten years older than you) and that is really common.

LilyandGinger · 06/08/2014 22:46

Monkey I have lovely friends with a 15 year age gap. I also know a couple both in their thirties where the DW died suddenly recently leaving two small boys Sad

You never know what is round the corner. Yes if your DH is older then it does increase the likelihood that you will survive him but that might just mean he'll be 95 and you 80!

Your other worries seem more pertinent. If you are not happy with your life, discuss it with your DH (who sounds lovely ) make a plan and carry it out.

Looking forward into bleakness is not good for you. I understand a tiny bit what that's like and have made changes in my own life to avoid that.

Everything feels better with a plan.

Have an unMumsnetty

Seabright · 06/08/2014 22:47

I sometimes feel like that - 22 year age gap, I'm mid 40's and we have a 5yo DD.

But, he's retired now and a SAHD, so sees and does more with her than he would probably otherwise be able to do. We've swapped roles - I work and make financial plans for the future.

For me, making plans for all sorts of eventualities helps. But the thought that I will (hopefully) see her children, but that he, probably, will not, is never going to stop being sad.

SlatternLovesLots · 06/08/2014 22:48

DH and I have a similar gap. I dont worry about it at all, mainly because he is healthier than me despite him being the older one.

It is easy to say but try to concentrate on the now and enjoy the family unit you have.

TheFarSide · 06/08/2014 22:51

It does sound like a bout of melancholia or even depression, probably triggered - as you identify - by turning 40 and worrying about the people you love being ill or getting old. I think these feelings are quite normal and hopefully counselling will help.

I had a bit of a crisis when I turned 40. I felt like I had achieved all my goals and as a result I lost my momentum. Suddenly there was nothing to aim for and a future which it seemed to me held only the prospect of ageing and loss. I still have those feelings from time to time, and they can be really difficult to deal with, but these days I do try to live in the moment and make the most of my life.

You are not alone with these thoughts.

Notcontent · 06/08/2014 22:51

I think perhaps this is more related to your state of mind rather then the reality of something happening to your DH. What I mean is that I think around 40 is a tricky time - and that feeling of slight anxiety might be heightened by the operation that your dd is going to have.

I say that because I am your age and my circumstances are different - I am a lone parent with one dd - but I am currently struggling with similar feelings. Regret about not having more children, worry about being alone in my old age, worries about dd, worries about my parents dying (currently healthy and in their 60s...).

No advice really, but I have been telling myself to focus on what I have right now, rather than what might happen and what could have been.

LittleMissDisorganized · 07/08/2014 05:47

I agree that this sounds like a star of mind issue making normal things feel frightening. That sense of bleakness - that sums up depression. I imagine counselling will be really helpful. One of the techniques I learned in a long period of counselling was using gratitude to help myself to lift out of an emotional hole. I hope your little one will be just fine through her surgery, and that you come to a better place where your joy in your two girls is great - certainly more than many of us have.

LittleMissDisorganized · 07/08/2014 05:48

*star = state. Sorry, on phone.

Timetoask · 07/08/2014 06:31

DH and I have a similar age gap, I am 41. He is incredibly fit and healthy, keeps his mind and his body active, which I love about him.

Even with his fitness, there is no denying that having children later in life is hard work. We have 2 boys, one very active sporty who very often needs a sporting buddy (with lots of energy!), the other with special needs and another set of issues to deal with. It would have been easier if we were both younger without a doubt.

I am not worried about being left alone, both our families statistically have long life spans, I know you cannot be 100% but I hope we will both make it to a very good ripe old age. My worry is about leaving my son with special needs without proper care in place.

Agggghast · 07/08/2014 06:51

My DH died at 52, we had a 4 year gap. Complete shock he was fit and healthy but died of SADS. Please, please don't miss the time you have now by this worry. None of us know what is around the corner but try to enjoy what is happening now. Your DH might live until he is 100. Also being left is terrible but you and your DC could cope but happy memories make that so much easier. It might sound simplistic but you need to deal with today not the future. Obviously it is best to financially plan for the worst but enjoy the family you have now.

doziedoozie · 07/08/2014 08:00

So many people do live alone. For whatever reason. Separated, widowed, not met the right partner, by choice. They aren't all throwing themselves off cliffs. Try to be more positive OP.

Barbafamiily · 07/08/2014 10:43

I can totally understand the desire for more children, so would also say to follow your heart with that. But just to put another view on it, have you thought about what might happen if you did leave your current partner (who by the sounds of it, you are happy with in all other aspects?) and then didn't meet any one that you felt was the right person to be the father of your future children? I have some friends in their mid / late thirties who would love to have children but haven't found the "one". Don't want to sound cynical, but sometimes finding a loving relationship isn't as easy as we would like it to be! Good luck though, whatever you decide.