Age gap has become an issue/scared of old age alone

[monkeytree]

Have been with dh for 14 years, never has our 15 year age gap been an issue. Dh is pretty fit and has a healthy lifestyle. I turned 40 this year and was fortunate to have second dd last year after a few years of fertility problems. Also have a dd who is 8. Dh is a good dad and currently the girls have a lot of fun with him etc. I'm not sure if I am having some kind of mid life crisis but all I can do is look to the future and see myself being on my own at a relatively young age compared to friends who have dh's in their 40's. I fear for the girls too. I also gave up work recently and struggle to see the future apart from this awful bleakness. Dd2 needs a minor op soon and that's playing on my mind my anxiety has spread to worry that something bad will happen to dd's and now I seem to be living some hellish half life. I have just started counselling. I regret not having more dcs and currently trying for third dc even though chances are v. Slim. How do I get this anxiety out of my head and get on with the here and now just doesn't feel like this anxiety will shift, nothing can stop time moving on.

[Perfectlypurple]

I am 41 and dh 51. I suffer from anxiety and really worry about the same thing. I try to put it out of my mind but it creeps back in.

[ravenmum]

My husband is just 11 days older than me and both of us come from families with pretty long lifespans. Fingers crossed, I always imagined us growing old together. I wondered if I'd end up looking after him, or him after me in old age. Then he found himself a ten-year-younger mistress and moved out. Like you I've had to face up to the idea that no, we don't all live lives out of a story book. I wonder if I'll find another long-term partner; if that partner will be younger or older, healthy or unhealthy; if he'll be my last long-term partner. I have no clue. None of us do.

Life is so full of risks that theoretically we should all be terrified the whole time. But we aren't, as we've evolved to be able to overlook all those swords dangling over our heads. If that ability to ignore the risks fails, it's because we are in a particularly risky situation, or because we're not in a very fit mental state, or both. When the anxiety persists and makes it hard to function, it's time to get professional help.

[Twinklestein]

I think you need to find something to do to take your mind off your anxieties, not just looking after the baby. If you sit at home they will just grow and grow.

I think 2 children is plenty, particularly given your age. Is your desire for more partly fuelled by your fear of being alone when you're older? If your husband is fit and healthy I really wouldn't worry. There's nothing to say you won't go before him.

[bronya]

My DH is 11 years older. I do try to give him a healthy lifestyle, but realistically no one can ever guarantee their partner will be around in their old age. My mum and dad are the same age, but my mum has early onset dementia, so my dad effectively 'lost' her a few years ago. He is still young enough to be working, and is very lonely in the evenings/weekends. My view is that I wouldn't have missed the time I had with my DH, so I will treasure what I have, and the future will be what it will be.

[Stalinssister]

I agree with the others who have said try to enjoy now and the time you have together. 55 is not old (nor is 40 - blimey!). It is statistically likely he will live for 20-30 years. I will be 55 at Christmas and I intend to be around for the next 30 years too.

We can't control what happens to us and the best thing to do is to have your own friends and activities that you enjoy.

My husband was a month younger than me and died in his 40s of a brain tumour. If I have learned anything from his death it is that human beings are enormously adaptable and you can build a life for yourself at any age.

Anyhow this does not apply to you - you do sound depressed and it might help if you try and sort that out first rather than worrying about the age gap. Counsellors and psychotherapists run workshops and courses about managing anxiety, could you investigate that?

[Barbafamiily]

And yes, I posted this on the wrong thread, sorry OP!

[Rebecca2014]

My nan and granddad have an 11 year age gap and now he is elderly I can see how his declining health is effecting her life. It is really sad and I feel sorry for my nan but I am sure she doesn't regret being with him and would do it all over again.

[peanutnutter]

Hi OP, I am in a similar position, there's 18 years between me and dh. I am 46 he is 64. I know of a couple of people who have lost their husbands young, statistically yes you may be widowed young, but its not a given. I am realistic that I will probably spend my pensionable years without dh but that's life, I just try to focus on now and enjoying our time together. Dh was insistent that we get our finances in order so that I would be left very comfortably off. Really I think losing a spouse is dreadful at whatever age it happens. I wonder (and am asking this kindly) if this is more about you and facing the realisation that your childbearing years are drawing to a close? HTH x

[RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie]

Are you sure that you're not just missing work? Did you have to give it up, or choose to? And 40 is very young to be thinking that your working life is over, if there are no medical reasons.

Not sure having another child is the best thing - maybe consider part time work, or even some volunteering? Or a hobby or something?

It sounds like you need things to take you out of the house a bit. And do you see friends with/without your dh/dc?

[monkeytree]

Thank you so much for to all of you for taking the time to reply, I really feel less alone. I am so sorry to hear there have been very real losses for some of you and I think that you are wonderfully inspirational to be responding to my hypothetical fear. 40 seems a massive milestone. Not working at the moment and yes I think that does give me more time to dwell and contemplate the future. There is something about having a focus. I know I am so very lucky to have my family unit and was so fortunate to be blessed with my second little dd. Yes want to get the operation out of the way and move on from that. Had a bad start in life abuse etc. and cannot believe how lucky I am right now keep anticipating that things will go wrong. Thank you once again x