Would you be able to forgive your mother if she tried to get your much older and vulnerable father (from whom she has long been divorced) to part with £40,000 for her son (who is NOT my Dad's)?

[spaghettifortea]

I wrote a thesis length post initially but it wasn't detailed enough :) And essentially, it boils down to what I asked in the title.

I am struggling badly to forgive. Particularly as they (my mother, partner and brother) don't see they've done anything wrong. Indeed, I seem to be being cast as the villain of the peace for foiling their plans. I can't get my head round this at all.

How did you find this out and put a stop to it? What was the money for? From your OP I would be very angry with my mother but more details are needed to form an opinion really.

You say you are the villain here, does your dad view you like this also?

On the surface it doesnt sound good.

How vulnerable? Vulnerable to her wants and demands because of her personality/their history or legally vulnerable as in not being able to make his own decisions?

Either way, it's a shitty thing to have tried to do if she was preying on him and he's not in a position to deflect or deny her.

I wonder why your partner can't see how wicked a thing this was to attempt.

Vodka, thank you for replying.

We found out because my Dad's personal banker rang us up on the morning we returned from holiday to say that, while we were away, she'd had a request for an unusually large amount of money to be released from his investments into his current account in order to make a bequest. She had to be a bit cagey because of confidentiality but she was aware that, although I haven't used it yet, there is a power of attorney drawn up (with me as the attorney) so felt she should mention something. And, having known my dad for many years, she felt she had a duty to try and flag up a situation she found a bit unusual. Plus, the person he wanted to give the money too (she wouldn't name by brother, but didn't take much guessing) has already been given sums of money by my dad over the last two years.

The money was for my brother because, in my mum's words, he has been "very good to your father" over the last two years. Two years ago is when my Dad moved into a flat in the grounds of a nursing home owned by my mother and her partner. This home is near the town he has lived in for the last fifty years, the town which was my home town before I left to go to uni, and the town in which my brother and mother still live. Dad did actually come to live with us for about three months but was unhappy being away from familiar territory and all his friends. So this, at the time, their differences having been put behind them, seemed like an ideal solution.

My brother had never got on with my mother's partner, so took to visiting my dad. As far as I can see ( and despite living away now I visited dad very often and spoke Nearly every day - I stayed with him when my parents divorced so we've always been close) "very good" means that my brother took my dad out to lunch in his own car (ie my dad's car) and allowed dad to pay for said lunches. Brother is 38, lives at home, has no dependants, pays for absolutely nothing and has a "job" in the family owned nursing home. So what he actually needs the money for, I'm at a loss to suggest.

In the last 6 weeks or so Dad has deteriorated badly, both physically and mentally. When I told him that he'd written requesting for £40,000 to be released, he had no idea. He trusts my brother, and has got to the stage where, if mum or my brother tell him to sign something, he does. I can't tell you how hurt and upset I am that they would do this to a defenceless old man.

Bitter he's vulnerable now in the latter sense. Dh is totally on board with how I feel. In fact, I was so upset when I saw my mum after this first came to light, when I opened my mouth to speak, all that came out was a horrendous gurgling noise, so he was able to articulate perfectly what I felt on my behalf :)

Erm no I don't think this is right! Taking 40k from someone for no reason? Is that right?

Have you stopped it/can you refuse authorisation?

Do you know what is in his will anyway?

If you hold a lasting power of attorney then please register it immediately - you dad is obviously not able to make an informed decision about his own money and it sounds very much like a serious attempt at financial exploitation/abuse. I can understand you being hurt/upset but as you have the power to stop this immediately then I think you need to put your emotions to one side and act rationally, as you are legally and morally the only person in a position to provide financial protection for father.

I would call 101. I believe there is an offence that deals with taking money from vulnerable people.

Now is definitely the time to activate the power of attorney. You can then act in your father's best interests and prevent this sort of financial abuse.

No. You're not unreasonable for being unforgiving.
This really doesn't sound right, it sounds manipulative and exploitative.

Have you considered involving the police? I am not sure if they would be interested, but this is the type of thing reported in papers due to a conviction. This may protect him from them in the future too. Which is a thought, do you think they could be doing this with other residents of the nursing home?

Have you invoked (or whatever the word is) the Power of Attorney now? I hope so.

sounds like they just have their eyes on all the shiny pennies for whatever reason.

You should raise a safeguarding referral with the local authority. This is financial abuse. They will investigate and if necessary raise it with the police. If your mom owns the nursing home a cc alert may also be made as she is a provider.

Activate your PoA so that they can't do it again.

Thanks for replies everyone. I have taken steps now to register the Power of Attorney, it takes about a month I believe so will try and do all I can in the meantime to minimise any further wrongdoings.

It's all so complicated because they are all on the spot and I'm 200 odd miles away. The Matron of the nursing home (who is my cousin, just to complicate things further) is muttering about a POVA - stands for Protection of Vulnerable Adults - but this is my family involved, and whereas I think they've acted quite despicably, I can't bring myself to make things official. I can't see me ever forgiving my mother or brother though, and I still don't see how they can't see they have behaved.

I honestly don't think they would try anything with other residents - the nursing home has been in operation for thirty years and has a good reputation. They set a lot of store by their good name. This is more to do with my mother's sense of entitlement - despite leaving my dad for another man, I think she feels she should have a share in the money he has earnt over the years through hard work. I also think she's acting in what she considers to be my useless brother's best interests.

Your local social services should have a POVA (Protection of vulnerable adults)team which will liaise closely with the police and they deal with vulnerable adults in abusive situations - physical mental and financial . They may be able to advise.
Your mum as a care home owner should be well aware of this.
I agree with other posters who say to activate the power if attorney ASAP.

You need to make contact with adult services and raise it as a safeguarding issue. They will involve the police as necessary but it would probably help to inform them as well
Your mother is on dodgy grounds as owning a home with potentially vulnerable people in it and being involved in this will lead to questions being asked.

Have they actually had the money then?

No, under the circumstances you have described I would not be able to forgive. Never!

It's time to get on with exercising that POA, and quickly.

Your Local Authority might have some advice about elder abuse via their safeguarding policies. Failing that I'm sure you can get advice via Age Concern.

In the meantime I would try to set up mail redirection for your father's mail to your address in case they try something else. Which is almost certainly on the cards.

Vile people! They should be had up in court for what they have tried to do. That would probably put paid to their business as well.

No they haven't had the money as I was able to ask my dad to sign a letter, refuting the earlier letter they had got him to sign, stating he no longer wanted to release that amount of money into his current account.

I know that if these were strangers I would report to necessary authorities, but I just can't turn in my own mother (who is nearly 80 herself, and physically frail). And, hand on heart, I truly don't think they would do this to anyone else. In her professional life she was a well thought of and high achiever in the care industry and has always been very proud of her reputation. This is just some fucked up thinking on my mother's part where she's convinced herself that she and/or my brother deserve this paynout. What it says about her opinion of me though is another matter :( This is going to be virtually impossible for me to move on from. Not the first time she's let me down but it may the last time I can forgive and forget.

Of course this is not right, it's disgusting behaviour and one if the reasons that ideas for euthanasia legislation are being shelved constantly. I would never be as to forgive my Mither or Brother in this situation.

Do you know who your father has bequeathed his estate to in his will? Have you checked that he hasn't updated it recently in favour if your Mother and Brother? I would be very concerned what else they may have been getting him to sign whilst you've had your head turned.

What a crappy situation for you.

Ok, so you don't want to get your mother into any trouble, but are there now measures in place to ensure this can't happen in the future?

It sounds to me like your brother had some sort of addiction, gambling?

I wouldn't imagine being close to your mum OR your brother again either. It would change how I felt about them :( The relationship would be a formality after that. Sorry you have such crap relatives...and sorry your dad is deteriorating.

I would suspect, that until you recieved that phone call, you would never have suspected your mother or brother of this either.

You have a moral duty to protect your father, and the other residents. Are you outing your cousin in a difficult position (in terms of her nursing registration) if she covers this up?

Sorry, I am tired and failing to keep up with autocorrect. I mean putting rather than "outing".

I also forgot to say, I feel very sorry that you have to deal with this.

I am not sure I could ever forgive my mother, although I could be persuaded slightly by the marriage argument (only so far as to 'understand' how she could be an idiot). My brother, however, being younger so hopefully less senile, and the intended recipient of all the money - I could never look at him again without spitting feathers.