Would you be able to forgive your mother if she tried to get your much older and vulnerable father (from whom she has long been divorced) to part with £40,000 for her son (who is NOT my Dad's)?

[spaghettifortea]

I wrote a thesis length post initially but it wasn't detailed enough :) And essentially, it boils down to what I asked in the title.

I am struggling badly to forgive. Particularly as they (my mother, partner and brother) don't see they've done anything wrong. Indeed, I seem to be being cast as the villain of the peace for foiling their plans. I can't get my head round this at all.

Thank you all for advice and support. They seem so convinced they haven't done anything wrong that, despite dh's support, I was beginning to think I was over reacting.

sebs - I don't know the exact terms of dad's will, I don't want to. But I do know (via his personal banker again) that it was last updated in 2012, which would have been not long after he moved into the flat in the grounds of the home. He would have been of sound mind then so no worries on that score.

Mrsrochester - how right you are about never having suspected they would do anything on this scale. I couldn't believe it, kept thinking there must have been some misunderstanding etc. Re my cousin - I told him if he was worried about his job then he should do what he considered the right thing in terms of reporting this. But he is of the same opinion as me that it's something that would not happen to any of the other residents and it's a nasty attempt on my mother's part to get what she, in some parallel universe, thinks is somehow hers. My cousin would have no reservations about speaking out if he saw anything reprehensible happening regularly in the nursing home, he honestly wouldn't.

Liberal - you're assuming my brother has enough brain power to be able to gamble, I'd be amazed if he's got the hang of Snap yet :) He's nowhere near bright enough or interesting enough to have a gambling habit. That's what makes it even more difficult to understand - what does he even need the money for? My mum has already bought him a house (which he rents out) and has said that everything she has will go to him - I can't comprehend why my dad should be ripped off to support him also.

Anyway, thanks again for the responses.

spaghettifortea - thanks for the extra info, i wouldnt forgive my mother either, she has tried to take financial advantage of an elderly confused man, to give her son more money. I doubt very much that this would have been the last payment if they had got away with it.

Have some very unmumsnet hugs ((hug)) horrible situation to be in, stuck between your mum and dad, but thankfully your dad has got someone acting in his best interests (you).

Hi op not to worry you but the will that the personal banker mentions is only the last will he lodged with her.

If he signed a new will 6 months ago it revokes previous wills written. Therefore only this new will would count.

They could have asked him to sign a new will 6 months ago, lodged that with a solicitor so when your father passes away it will then come out of the woodwork. A will does not have to be left with the personal banker.

Sorry not what you want to hear I know. I'm guessing your dad has no idea if he has signed something like this.

It sounds as though your DM has some how convinced herself that she/your DB is entitled to the money. You have now been alerted to their outrageous behaviour & can do something about it. Three cheers for the personal banker.

OP I spend a lot of time & effort thwarting my own DB from bleeding my elderly DM dry, you have my sympathies.

I'm sorry, I think you do need to report this, your cousin does too! It is a safeguarding issue and financial abuse and if they do it to your father, they will do it to others too.

Awful situation for you, OP.

As a matter of interest, do you know the rationale of the £40k? It's just that that is a slightly odd amount (people generally think in numbers which are either round or part of a greater whole - eg £10k, 25k, 50k, 100k etc) so that that in itself could be a clue as to what is going on in people's minds. Does that happen to clean out your Dad's savings for example? Or would it approximate to some notional obligation that your mother might think he's incurred?

Do you mean your mother has already told you that she is only leaving her money etc to your son and not to both of you?

Personally I think your cousin should take action now, with your backing. This is outrageous behaviour.

OP, you can ask the Law Society to search local solicitors to see if a new will has been lodged with them once you have power of attorney.

Thank you for the further posts. I hadn't thought about the possibility of dad having made another will and lodging it elsewhere so thank you for flagging that up. And Goldmandra, thank you for the law society suggestion.

Hold - sympathies to you and hope your efforts are successful.

Cherries, I swear that they wouldn't try this with other people. It would be far too easy for them to be found out and they are very proud of the success they have made of the nursing home over the last 30 years. In any case, if there were any other dodgy going ons, my cousin would have no qualms about taking appropriate action. The reason he hasn't in this instance is because I have asked him not to. This situation is some twisted thinking on my mother's part to get what she thinks she deserves out of my dad so that her precious son can benefit. It's just convenient for her that he has ended up living where he has. If he had stayed living with us they would have remained on fairly distant terms and this would never have been able to happen. And there was me thinking she had suggested he move there out of the goodness of her heart

cozie, I'm not exactly sure why £40,000. I think my mother has decided that that sum represents half the amount of a particular asset my dad has. Long after they were divorced she would say that her settlement had been unfair and would mention this asset. But as far as I am aware all assets, including this one, were put on the table when the divorce was being settled.

I wouldn't shy away from alerting police personally. You can warn them she's 80 and they will deal with it accordingly.

If she's fit enough to try to pinch your father's money, she's fit enough to talk to police. You could be damn sure she wouldn't try anything again.

They have tried to manipulate a vulnerable person. You need to let your cousin do what they think is right because when this comes to light (and it will come out one way or another) then they will be under suspicion too. You need to alert the authorities so that there will still be someone close to keep an eye on him instead of you all being deemed a risk to him.

spaghetti

You said that your mother is 80 and physically frail. You don't mention her mental state but she's an elderly woman and I think you have to at least consider that she may be more under the influence of others than you seem to think.

I think that your best course of action would be to treat this as if it had been carried out by strangers. That way, you let professionals deal with it in a (hopefully) ordered and prescribed fashion - and it may actually be to your mother's benefit for you to so do.

I don't think you are acting in your DF's best interest by sweeping this under the carpet. Your (D)M and (D)B have tried to swindle a significant amount of money out of him, after previously swindling money out of him previously. They don't think they've done anything wrong and it is possible that they will try again.

You need to report this. If they have managed to coerce him into signing a new will reporting this now will make it much easier to prove coercion.

PS - this would actually be the classic time to try to get what you could out of a business if you were of a mind to: long established and trusted, elderly and failing owners etc etc. You have to act, really.

Please check out what his most recent will said.

Lets say that there has been another will, that coincidentally leaves everything to her or her son. By not reporting their behaviour now, that Will will stand. Be reporting it then your fathers wishes stand more chance of being carried out.

You would not be doing that against her, you would be be doing that for him.

Report them. You couldnt believe they would do that to him, but they did. They could have done it to others and just not been found out yet. How many elderly people did Harold Shipman murder before someone said "no, this isnt right...."?

I agree that it is unlikely they have done this to others. People normally justify their behaviour in one way or another so the asset story would be her justification. That doesn't exist for other residents. But it is possible and I agree that you should not dismiss the idea.

And definitely check the will that existed prior to him moving in, the will he did in 2012 after moving in and for any subsequent ones.

Perhaps speak to a solicitor first if you are unwilling to speak to the police.

Is there not another home he can go and stay in?

I do think you need to report this to the police. Unfortunately you cannot be sure that other vulnerable adults have not been victims of attempted fraud.

You definitely need to check the will situation.

I'm sorry. This is a shit situation. I agree with others, though, you need to involve the authorities.