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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Getting back together with an ex and what happened while you were apart.

44 replies

AmenGirl · 06/08/2014 12:00

I am so nervous to post this, I understand it's putting my relationship on show for people to poke holes in.

I don't want to give any details but I know there are so many women in a similar situation, I could really use some tips and advice.

Basically, if you and your partner broke up for a small amount of time and one of you got lonely and sought comfort in another person during that time apart, when you get back together is it right to just forget about it and move on, assuming all contact/thoughts/feelings are put to rest?

OP posts:

GoatsDoRoam · 06/08/2014 12:02

Yes. Assuming, as you say, that that chapter is closed.

NamesNick · 06/08/2014 12:04

Yes. I believe once the agreement has been made to start again then the line has been drawn.

What happened before that line should bear no relevance on now.

Unless of course there are unresolved issues from your relationship.

But who did what while you were not together should not be a concern - obviously assuming all contact/thoughts/feelings are indeed put to rest.

If however there is any doubt then perhaps getting back together is not the right thing to do

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 06/08/2014 12:20

Yes, as long as the shag partner isn't a very close colleague, or an ex, or someone who has always been the one that got away. Then it's an issue that needs to be addressed, but a random? Put it in the past.

Lally112 · 06/08/2014 12:23

Yes as long as its truly put to bed, I split with DH for 4 months when I was 19. DH slept with a girl from uni and I kissed two guys. None of them are in our lives now and none of them actually meant anything. Still here now arguing about bedcovers 10 years on from it. You make a conscious decision to commit and no one else from the past matters.

Vivacia · 06/08/2014 12:27

Yes, I think so. You kind of have to put all "all contact/thoughts/feelings" to rest don't you?

Is it you or your partner who can't move past it?

rb32 · 06/08/2014 12:30

Of course it's right, but sometimes it's hard to.

Original poster

AmenGirl · 06/08/2014 13:31

Thank you all so much for replying and Lally for sharing an experience. This has cleared my head so much.

I guess the painful bit, the bit that's hard to forget about is that at some point (even if only for a moment) they were interested in someone that wasn't you. Does that make sense?

OP posts:

Jan45 · 06/08/2014 13:36

Makes total sense, what's important is the present and the future, as long as you feel 100% secure with that person of course.

Bisou88 · 06/08/2014 19:42

Me and my partner split up 4 years ago and recently got back together, both of us had relationships in between.

Yes, it is hard to swallow that the one you love had feelings for someone else. We communicate with each other and with plenty of love and reassurance, it can be put to rest.

Original poster

AmenGirl · 07/08/2014 10:28

God it is hard though. Needing strength daily. I feel so awful now for women who are cheated on but decide to stay with the partner and "work it out".

Even small details start to mess with your head... Like when they dress nicer than usual instead of a normal 'oh you look nice dear' thought you find yourself thinking 'why are they dressed up? are they going somewhere? who are they meeting?' etc etc and it must surely eat away at you

OP posts:

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 07/08/2014 10:35

Well. This might sound hard to hear but for me, when I split with XH and had two flings before we got back together, I absolutely was looking for something different to him. I can now identify the elements that I was missing in our relationship and see why I was attracted to those particular two guys and what they represented that I felt was lacking.
However, once I had decided to give it another go I barely gave them a second thought and wasn't tempted to cheat.

Twinklestein · 07/08/2014 10:42

You haven't said OP but it's sounding as if it's your partner who's had a relationship in between. If so, and it bothers you, you are under no obligation to suck it up and forget about it.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/08/2014 11:11

With my current OH we were on/off like mad to begin with.
I had a fling during one break.
I had another during another and he had one during a break as well.
We've now been back together for a year and it's going great.
My encounters weren't exactly mind blowing and neither was his.
It hasn't affected us at all TBH.
It happened and we have both moved on, together.

But we are different and we are affected differently by these kinds of things.

If you are going to move on then you need to draw that line and move on. If you can't then you have to cut him lose and move away from the situation.
No-one cheated.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/08/2014 11:12

But we are all different!
DOH

Original poster

AmenGirl · 07/08/2014 11:20

It all really comes down to trust. If there's no trust, there's no relationship. That's the bottom line, not the small details. Both sides have to ask themselves if they trust each other enough to move on.

OP posts:

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 07/08/2014 11:25

Amen, did he cheat on you?

Twinklestein · 07/08/2014 11:26

Absolutely. And if you don't trust him then getting back together is not going to work.

Twinklestein · 07/08/2014 11:26

^to AmenGirl

EarthWindFire · 07/08/2014 11:28

You haven't said OP but it's sounding as if it's your partner who's had a relationship in between. If so, and it bothers you, you are under no obligation to suck it up and forget about it.

Agreed but if the OP and ex weren't in a relationship at the time then IMO it should be put to bed. They weren't cheated on they weren't together.

EarthWindFire · 07/08/2014 11:29

Amen, did he cheat on you?

The OP had said they weren't together.

ABlandAndDeadlyCourtesy · 07/08/2014 11:33

I know, I wondered what her perception was though. She said "a small amount of time" - are we talking Ross and Rachel, on the day they broke up kinda thing?!

Twinklestein · 07/08/2014 11:35

It's not up to you or anyone to say 'it should be put to bed'.

Sure it's not cheating but if the OP can't get past it she's not under any obligation to do so. Sometimes interim partners mess up relationships, it depends on the individuals, that's just life.

Twinklestein · 07/08/2014 11:35

To EarthWindFire ^^

EarthWindFire · 07/08/2014 11:38

It isn't no, but if the OP can't move on then I can't see a way forward.

heyday · 07/08/2014 11:44

It depends if you whether were just having time apart to try and resolve issues or if you had properly broken up. If you had separated then what either of you do as single people is totally up to you. If people do reunite later on then any relationships/sexual encounters during this time should not be brought up but invariably they are.
Every relationship is unique and people deal with issues differently. Not sure if it's you who turned to someone else and now feel guilty or your partner and you feel hurt and resentful.
You need to try and sit down and talk this through in a non confrontational and honest way. Be careful that this issue doesn't become so huge that it wrecks all hope of moving forward.

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