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Original poster

Confused..sad etc

33 replies

BadMother2014 · 05/08/2014 22:04

I have 2 children under 3 and for the past few months my best friend has been trying to concieve. She has been going through IVF and Ive supported her every step of the way. Even when she said seeing my kids was too painful I tried to understand. When she never came to see me while I was pregnant, even though I was very ill I tried to understand. I recently suffered a miscarriage which I only told her about after she had her egg transfer as I didnt want to create any distress. I was still freshly upset about it but I still swallowed it down and talked to her about doing her pregnancy test and how excited she was. Sadly the test came up negative and she is facing doing another round of IVF.. one of which I have offered money so she can do it sooner, which she gladly accepted.
Today my partner had to undergo surgery for possible tumors. I had told her about this and it turns out he has had to have three biopsy's today with quite an awful procedure. Obviously now we are very worried and it doesnt look good. Yet today I have had no phonecall or text to ask how things went and I feel totally let down by her. Feeling like things are a one way street. Am i over reacting?

OP posts:
Original poster
BadMother2014 · 05/08/2014 22:16

Someone pls :)

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Original poster
BadMother2014 · 05/08/2014 22:31

Anyone xx

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whitsernam · 05/08/2014 22:33

I tried to post earlier, but it didn't go through.. sorry.

Some people (many people) just do not know what to say to someone going through something as scary as biopsies. Maybe if you call her, she will still be supportive, maybe not... Can you rely on family? The type of procedures your H is going through are scary enough, but coming on top of your miscarriage, I can really see how you'd want some kind feelings from someone. She may really be on a one way street, but she's not the whole world.

Do be kind to yourself; this is a lot for anyone to handle.

LittleLadyFooFoo · 05/08/2014 22:44

I'm sorry to hear of your recent mc and your partner's illness. I hope the outcome is a good one.
I have recently felt similar about 2 friends whom I've supported through difficult times, yet when my exDP and I went through a stressful separation, I didn't hear from them.
I'm still not too sure about their friendship. I've backed off a bit. Regards your friend, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps she will be in touch. She sounds like she really appreciated your support. I wish you all the best x

handfulofcottonbuds · 05/08/2014 22:53

I am so sorry for your MC, have been there twice myself. My experience was that some friends didn't know what to say so they stayed away, probably to leave me and my stbxh to grieve in peace. I believe a MC is a very personal thing to go through and I see now that they didn't mean anything by leaving us alone.

It's devastating that your DP has undergone this procedure today and I hope the outcome is a positive one. Sometimes, when we feel helpless, we look at those who we have supported and wonder why or even get angry for them not reciprocating in the way that we have towards them. It's perfectly natural for you to feel like this.

You know your friend better than we do so you would know if she's being a bit thoughtless, wrapped up in her own situation or just not knowing how to react to you.

How was she with you when you told her your DP was having these investigations?

I truly hope things improve for you Thanks

handfulofcottonbuds · 05/08/2014 22:54

By the way, why the username? I didn't want to refer to you by it Sad

Original poster
BadMother2014 · 05/08/2014 22:54

I just feel I keep giving her the benefit of the doubt and she doesnt reciprocate.

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LittleLadyFooFoo · 05/08/2014 22:56

Well, I suggest you back off from supporting her. Concentrate on you and your DP. Maybe once she sees you are not at her side constantly, she will realise that you need a bit of support too x

Original poster
BadMother2014 · 05/08/2014 22:56

We were debating to terminate pregnancy but decided to keep it.. then I lost it. Just total rollercoster

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handfulofcottonbuds · 05/08/2014 22:58

If that's the case, I would distance myself slightly. You have enough emotional traumas to be dealing with yourself. Hopefully by distancing yourself, you will stop expecting her to be there for you.

Usually I would say talk to her but both of you have too much to be dealing with right now.

Original poster
BadMother2014 · 05/08/2014 22:58

I actually feel angry towards her. She isnt the type of person not to know what to say. She would. She has fallen out with alot of her friends recently as she has felt they havent supported her enough through her ivf journey. She even had a happy hormones party whoch hardly anyone turned up too apart from me and a couple of others.

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handfulofcottonbuds · 05/08/2014 23:00

If your MC was recent then your hormones may still be in a state of confusion. You are still grieving and I'm guessing the decision you almost made is the reason for your name?

Give yourself a break, look after yourself.

Rivercam · 05/08/2014 23:02

Concentrate on yourself and your partner. You are going through a tough time, and need to put yourself first.

I hope all is well for you both.

Rivercam · 05/08/2014 23:08

A happy hormone party?! Not heard of that before.

Sounds like she likes being centre of attention. IVF can't be easy, but friendship works two ways. Perhaps she hasn't realised how intense she has become regarding her Ivf, and hence has pushed friends away.

Maybe she will turn up trumps and contact you tomorrow, and just wanted to give you space today, as she knows how traumatic and tiring hospital visits can be.

HumblePieMonster · 05/08/2014 23:19

thinking of you.

Cabrinha · 05/08/2014 23:26

Wtf is a happy hormones party?!

I'm sorry about your mc. Mine devastated me, I'm
sure it's hard to go through whatever your thoughts on whether to progress with the pregnancy.

It does sound like it would be better to distance yourself a bit. I hope you get good news from the biopsies.

LatinForTelly · 05/08/2014 23:30

I'm sorry about your miscarriage, OP, and your partner's health problems.

I don't think you're overreacting. You've been through a lot, and I can see why you'd want your friend's support. I'm not sure what to suggest though. I never know whether it's best to be (gently) honest with such a good friend, or take a step back and wait until the hurt has subsided a bit.

We should be able to talk to our good friends, shouldn't we, but I know I've bottled it in the past.

Good luck, OP. I hope your partner's biopsy results are good.

Original poster
BadMother2014 · 06/08/2014 13:23

So no message from her still but can see from her twitter feed she is totally self absorbed in her IVF. That is fine but I have decided to take a step back. She obviously cant think further than herself so time to close things down. This is the last straw.

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LividofLondon · 06/08/2014 14:08

It's all about her isn't it; she's more than happy to lap up the sympathy and support from from friends but is too selfish to reciprocate. Not what I would call a great friend.

roland83 · 06/08/2014 14:24

Try not to take it personally, I guess she has gone crazy about the IVF and is probably spending all her time on the internet researching how to make it more successful and hasn't given you a second thought.

I think everyone has times in their life when they have a massive selfish episode and blank everything else out, not that it makes it okay.

Not that I'm condoning it at all, and I feel so sorry for you that she has let you down when you needed her most.

Do you have other friends you can lean on at this time?

MillyDots · 06/08/2014 14:38

I think she seems like someone I would not want as a friend. It is all about her and her life and is not there for you when you need her. Trying for a baby and not getting pregnant is heartbreaking but equally so is losing your baby and what your oh is going through. Especially since you have given her money as well.

Iflyaway · 06/08/2014 15:04

Some people are just selfish and self-obsessed.

So sorry to hear what you are going through.

cirawalker · 08/08/2014 02:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
BadMother2014 · 09/08/2014 07:36

She now hasnt contacted me for 5 days... maybe she is upset Im not messaging her.
Thats it for me now. I womt be replying to any of her texts
How sad

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Original poster
BadMother2014 · 11/08/2014 11:05

I finally got a text. A whole week later asking how things went. I decided to tell her in an adult fashion that I was surprised I had not heard from her sooner knowing what we were going through this week.
She explained that her whole world had crumbled on the Sunday when she had found the 1st round of ivf had not worked. I replied that my whole world had crumbled on the Friday when I had a miscarriage but I had still taken time to sit and talk with her about her possible pregnancy even though I was hurting. Her response was Whatever.
She basically said that because she doesnt have kids like I do to take her mind of things I should have cut her some slack. I responded that we should stop the correspondance now as this was not the response I expected.
She has then gone onto her twitter to say that she has learnt another lesson about people on her journey and when she is done she is done. I find her behaviour completely irritational and immature. Am I the only one that thinks this is mad behaviour?

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