Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

married 15 years and think it might be time to leave

50 replies

agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 15:10

How to you know when your marriage is over? Mine is certainly dysfunctional and becoming more so but how do you know when it's time to change the direction of your efforts to getting out versus getting on?

I'm a regular but have namechanged as I'm prepared to be open and frank in response to any questions.

Does anyone have an words of wisdom or advice or any questions to help me get things clearer in my head?

OP posts:

NewtRipley · 05/08/2014 18:10

Ah. I wonder if he's the one who is a bit depressed.

Original poster

agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 18:13

Can you be a bit depressed? How would we know if he was? He is eating /sleeping/working OK and has recently started running.

OP posts:

NewtRipley · 05/08/2014 18:18

irritable, snappy, disengaged, anxious, low libido

But yes, those things you mention suggest he's not seriously depressed.

I think that in your place I'd try and see a counsellor on my own, work out if I want to try with him, and see if he would come too at a later stage.

Original poster

agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 18:18

I thought that maybe his self-esteem was getting in the way of us moving forward after disagreements but I don't think it's that bad/low. However he does have a tendency to take any 'criticism' very personally when often it's a couple thing that we both need to work on.

He just seems to be settled with his life and is happy to have lower standards than me and coexist, if only we could have more sex (his words).

OP posts:

doziedoozie · 05/08/2014 18:22

Oh, it sounds like it is him not you. My DH is similar as is my 50 something DB - interested in their work and hobbies and nothing else. Maybe it is an age thing.

What I would do is 'bully' him into joining into life with the DCs and you. Maybe book some more holiday breaks, meals out, days out over the weekends and encourage him to enjoy life. And hope it works!

Original poster

agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 18:22

His libido isn't low Ripley (and I'm not sure mine is either), we just don't have much sex (once a month, sometimes more but never more than once a week and no longer than 3 months without).

I'm tempted to see a counsellor on my own although I think I'm quite self-aware. What would/could I achieve seeing a counsellor?

OP posts:

Original poster

agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 18:23

dozie, I think I may have been doing that for the last 15 years :)

OP posts:

NewtRipley · 05/08/2014 18:25

To make the decision, I suppose, and to work out how to approach him of you do decide to try.

But that's me, and you might feel you don't need that.

Original poster

agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 18:29

Thanks for allowing me to talk this through. I really appreciate it. DH and I had a talk this afternoon which ended quite abruptly when I told him about my getting a flat fantasy. It has been useful to come on here in the meantime.

OP posts:

TheApprentice · 05/08/2014 18:30

It is interesting what you say about being "afraid" about getting the house sorted in case you start having more of a life of your own. Sometimes having more of a life of your own can actually help a relationship as you are not so focussed on just what is wrong with the relationship!

Another thing to bear in mind is we worry far too much about what others think about the state of our houses. I was visiting 2 lots of friends recently , both apologised in advance for the state of their houses. The truth is that I was so relieved to see that other people live like I do and not everyone has immaculate houses!

NewtRipley · 05/08/2014 18:34

Hmm, so he's around a lot, but what you do together as a couple, the thing you are worried about losing, is cleaning.

The mystery has certainly gone, hasn't it?

You see a lot more of each other than many couples. Has is always been like this?

Astonway · 05/08/2014 18:39

My mum was a relate counsellor but told me that she stayed in a marriage that had gone sour because she could not cope with being hard up again as she had been in her youth. At the time I did not know what to say and a few months later she was dead from a heart attack. Now I wish so much that I had encouraged her to separate as living apart but meeting up for the theatre and concerts and grandchildren could have really worked for them.

There is an approach that you might find useful - Mindfulness. Check it out here: www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-firestone/mindfulness-relationships_b_3333709.html

Having said that, if he has already descended into the pit of incommunication that swallows a worrying proportion of middle-aged men, you may have to act independently but shepherd him so it is less stressful for all concerned...
This is a useful reminder:

married 15 years and think it might be time to leave

Original poster

agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 19:13

Astonway, sorry about your mother. Thanks for the Mindfulness link, I've heard mention of it before, and reading that I would say that I practise it already in my relationship. DH tries to stay calm but he just can't get passed the fact that I might be unhappy - says things like 'I don't know what you want' and 'I don't know what's wrong with you'. Mind you, I have been known to say to him on more than one occasion that he is 'only half a person'.

OP posts:

MoJangled · 05/08/2014 19:36

OP, I may be way off-line here but I saw some parallels between your description of your situation and an insight I've had recently. Could your DH possibly have undiagnosed Aspergers? His behaviour (disengaged, friendless, inflexible, judgemental and unempathetic) sound typical and your reaction, identifying the problem and the solutions on your own rather than in partnership, and eventually getting burnt out, also sounds typical. Doesn't answer the 'stay or go' question but might give you some answers on why you're not making headway and some information to base future judgements on. If he is, and is prepared to get a diagnosis and do some work, you could reach a far better place together too.

Obviously I could be totally wrong, and no offense intended to anyone who is in an Aspie relationship.

MoJangled · 05/08/2014 19:40

God I've just painted Aspie partners in the most negative possible light. I should also add: baffled by the complexities of emotions which they cant read, loyal and steadfast, which also seem typical, and the first bit at least resonates with your most recent post. I'll shut up now.

Original poster

agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 19:49

MoJangled, thanks for sharing that insight, it's certainly worth considering - he does this really annoying thing of saying 'no' to any request that the DC ask (after tea, usually food/dessert related), he answers so quickly that he can barely have had time to process their requests. I find it 'odd' but figure it was probably something his Dad did.

OP posts:

Original poster

agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 20:11

Having read a bit more about Aspergers, it doesn't really sound like him. He is affectionate and compassionate and can generally read situations well. Although, thinking about it, the calmer I am in situations the less 'understanding' he seems to be. It almost as if I need to be crying/in tears for him to even think about trying to get my point.

OP posts:

HavingAGoodThink · 05/08/2014 20:33

Op, so much of what you're writing sounds like it's coming out of my head.

On paper there's nothing about my husband to be unhappy with. He does most of the child care pick ups/drop offs, takes DD to swimming lessons, shares the housework and cooking (not 50/50, but at least he does some), and takes DD out some weekends to give me space. But I just feel, well, meh.

We don't have sex much, but then I don't think I want to have sex - with him. We don't talk very much either - both spend most of our evenings on separate computers. We go on occasional 'dates' but it all feels a bit forced somehow.

We go through phases where we argue a lot, but lately we don't even do that. I've suggested Relate , but he refused point blank to consider it. And I think since then I've just disengaged. I can't summon any strong feelings about my marriage.

Sorry, that's completely unhelpful to you, but I will hold your hand and say you're not the only one feeling like that. And it really sucks to feel that way too.

Original poster

agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 21:28

HavingAGoodThink, thanks for sharing. You sound like a friend of mine who has also disengaged. She is looking forward to a two week holiday with her DH and DS to visit family as she loves the distraction it provides. I couldn't bear to go on holiday with DH atm. I think I'm headed towards disengagement if I stay.

How do you cope with the resentment? And thoughts of wasting precious time unfulfilled?

OP posts:

HavingAGoodThink · 05/08/2014 21:39

I'm just trying not to think about any of it to be honest. Taking a day at a time and refining my rather magnificent ostrich impression

We're going on holiday next week with my family and I'm dreading it. Having to put two faces on, and be on my guard so they don't pick up on anything. Not that I suppose there's anything to pick up on because it will be business as usual, but I will spend the whole time wanting to be carefree and not being able to.

I wonder if some of my problem is just hormonal re-evaluating and overthinking. We only had sex once this year and it resulted in me being pregnant. We always wanted two children, but now I'm actually pg, I just feel pity for this baby who will likely have its parents split up in its early years.

I don't want us to split up, but I don't know if I have the passion to rescue it. That's a whole other thread though, I don't want to hijack yours.

But it is a case of one day at a time, just make it through without it spilling out. I'm not ready to deal with it yet!

Original poster

agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 21:52

Oh Having, your situation is most definitely not helped by being pregnant, your hormones will be all over the place. I'm sure things aren't as bleak as they seem. Perhaps your DH will have second thought about going to Relate, I hope so.

OP posts:

StetsonsAreCool · 05/08/2014 21:56

I hope so too. I've felt like this for a good while now though, since before Christmas. We haven't had a big blowup for a while, and I think we're both making more effort for the baby. I really shouldn't have let myself get pregnant while I feel like this, but I can't do anything about it now.

Hopefully when the hormonal fog lifts I'll be able to think more clearly about it.

What do you think you will do?

StetsonsAreCool · 05/08/2014 21:58

Oh whoops, name change fail! Was trying to keep this separate in case we do take any future action and he looks me up. Too late now

Original poster

agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 22:01

I'm not sure what I'll do. We will talk now for a while and see where that gets us.

Thanks for the chat.

OP posts:

StetsonsAreCool · 05/08/2014 22:11

Good luck. Come back if you need. It does help to make a bit of space in your head sometimes.

Night.

Flip

1 2