Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

married 15 years and think it might be time to leave

50 replies

agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 15:10

How to you know when your marriage is over? Mine is certainly dysfunctional and becoming more so but how do you know when it's time to change the direction of your efforts to getting out versus getting on?

I'm a regular but have namechanged as I'm prepared to be open and frank in response to any questions.

Does anyone have an words of wisdom or advice or any questions to help me get things clearer in my head?

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 05/08/2014 15:20

See a solicitor so you have an idea of what you're life post-divorce might look like from a financial point of view.

Talking to a solicitor is not a commitment to divorce.

Have you thought about going to marital counselling? It's hard to advise on what to do without knowing whether this is because he's a twunt, or you're just fed up with your life in general.

I think it is worth sitting down and saying to your husband 'I can't go on like this' and the two of you seeing what you can do to change your feelings.

Original poster
agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 15:26

Thanks for replying WellWhoKnew. Husband is not a twunt :) He's just not very engaged with family life and I find myself getting resentful more and more frequently about this. He says it's because I've become a naggy fishwife who goes off on one if he behaves in a way that I deem to be not good enough.

He doesn't seem interested in counselling although has suggested that I go because "there's something up with' me. I have found a counsellor online that I like the look of although at £50 per hour which will soon start adding up.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 05/08/2014 15:27

It really depends on what 'dysfuntional' means.
Some families can seem from the outside really dysfunctional but it works for them and it works well.

Is there some form of abuse in the past?
Cheating?
Have you had your head turned recently?
How many kids and what are their ages?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 05/08/2014 15:27

"How to you know when your marriage is over?"

When you wake up every morning, and upon seeing his face instead of wanting to gently stroke or kiss it, you want to give it a good hard slap.

When those tics and habits you first thought the most adorable things in the universe now fill you with The Rage.

When the thought of spending the next 20 or 30 years of your life with him fill you with dread instead of joy

hellsbellsmelons · 05/08/2014 15:30

Husband is not a twunt
LOL - and then you go on to describe him as exactly that!!

Doesn't engage
Calls you a 'naggy fishwife' (this basically mean STFU!)
There's something wrong with you (nice)

I can imagine there is more.
Do you work?
Could you live comfortably and easily without him?
A solicitor is a good first port of call.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 05/08/2014 15:31

If he's just "not very engaged" with family life he either needs to get engaged bloody pronto or eff right off!

Do you mean that he appears to treat you like a sex-providing housekeeper who needs to know her place so he can do what he likes, when he likes, as if he was a single man without any dependents?

Twitterqueen · 05/08/2014 15:32

When you know you - and any DCs - would be happier if he was living somewhere else. My ex-H filled the house with cold, silent spiteful brooding - and it was not a happy place for any of us.

Original poster
agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 15:39

hellsbellsmelons, no abuse or cheating (that I know of), haven't had my head turned either. I feel that I can use the word dysfunctional after reading something on here this morning about 'adultification' and I can see signs that I am over investing in my relationship with my 13 year old daughter. Two other DC aged 7 and 10.

BitterAndOnly, that's all sounding a bit familiar. I don't feel that I want to slap him when I see him, in fact I can't bear to look at him in case I realise I don't love him anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 15:48

'Do you mean that he appears to treat you like a sex-providing housekeeper who needs to know her place so he can do what he likes, when he likes, as if he was a single man without any dependents?'

We don't have enough sex for either of our likings and he maintains that that is a big part of our problem. He does his fair share of housework although neither of us do very much of it these days and he is pretty involved with the practicalities wrt DC.

I work very part-time and volunteer as a school governor.

I have this fantasy that I'll get a well paid job and rent a flat for me and the kids. Have even seen the flat and have impending job interview...

OP posts:
Original poster
agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 16:20

Sorry for the spewing forth of information.

Thanks for the comments.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 05/08/2014 16:27

I do sometimes have to wonder about when people say that the reason their relationship is awful is because "we're not having enough sex". Often it seems to be the bloke saying that, but sometimes it can be the woman, although it's often a lack of attention, affection and also the no sex. Somehow it gets my goat when the bloke says it, not sure why!

It's way off-beam IMO, it isn't the lack of sex, that's just a symptom of one or more deep-seated problems. Tends to be either resentment due to being treated badly, objectified, CBA attitude, lack of appreciation etc etc. sex tends to be regular when all the other stuff is going well and running along nicely Smile

Just an observation....

Original poster
agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 16:33

daisychain, in our case it's definitely me saying 'no' to sex but not because I don't like or enjoy it. It's because I don't feel close enough to DH and resentment is a big factor in that but it can be wide ranging - things as stupid as me being unhappy about the mess of the house are enough to put me off. But mostly I just want to adore him and that hasn't been the case for quite a while.

OP posts:
Original poster
agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 17:14

Those of you advising 'see a solicitor', I'm not sure I would even want to go down that route. If I do leave, I would like for me and DC to be independent of DH. Obviously when the DC come to see him (in the family house as he has said he wouldn't leave) he will be responsible for them financially.

OP posts:
Jan45 · 05/08/2014 17:17

Resentment is a complete relationship killer, if you can't change feeling like that, i.e., you can't change him, then it's maybe time you changed yourself into a different life.

Original poster
agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 17:25

Jan45, it is definitely the resentment that is doing the damage. How do I know that it's not just me being unreasonable? Couldn't I just work on not being resentful - how would you even do that?

OP posts:
Castlemilk · 05/08/2014 17:26

Um, he wouldn't ultimately get the choice to not leave.

If you were to split, the choices would be:

  • primary carer gets house as priority is that children remain housed with as little disruption as possible. I guess that would be you. Other person gets to move to (usually smaller) place. Order can be made that when youngest child reaches 18, house is sold then and other person gets their share.
  • If there really are not enough funds for the non-primary carer to be rehoused without the family home being sold, then it is sold... and primary carer + children will get the majority of the funds, as they need the bigger property.

What will not happen if you go down the divorce route is that he gets to keep the house 'because he will not leave' and you have to somehow find the funds to get a new place fit for you and three children, from the scraps available, or you go into rented while he sits pretty. Just won't happen. Not unless you meekly agree to leave with nothing, of course.

It may get ugly and be long drawn out, but no - don't envisage you leaving for that flat. Envisage you selling the house and buying somewhere new, yes, but don't accept for a second that one person gets to stay put while four have to move out. It isn't the way the courts see it.

Original poster
agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 17:33

Thanks for the info Castlemilk. I've come across it before on the relationship boards and it doesn't really seem fair to me. I would be happy to get half of the value of the family home when it is eventually sold, probably when youngest leaves school.

OP posts:
doziedoozie · 05/08/2014 17:37

You sound a bit fed up with your life. Not just DP.

Do you feel trapped, as if life is passing you by, your DC is your friend/confessor, where are your other friends and social life?

I would say maybe try to find your true wishes for your life. A career? Some interesting study? Travel? None of these easy with DCs but even if you left DP would your new life be happy and fulfilling?

NewtRipley · 05/08/2014 17:42

Can you explain what you mean with "not very engaged with family life"?

Because he does housework and he's involved with the children. So where's the resentment coming from?

It sounds more as if you and he have become disengaged and emotionally uninvolved

Ultimately, I suppose none of this really matters because you feel how you feel, but i just wonder about the inconsistencies (as I see it) in what you are saying?

Is your dissatisfaction partly with yourself, your own life, your self-actualisation?

Jan45 · 05/08/2014 17:56

OP, resentment is caused by your feelings, feelings of things not being right, or not how you would like them, there's no way on earth you can actually change feeling like that.

As I said, maybe time to change the scenery.

Original poster
agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 17:57

Good points dozie and Ripley. I have friends although not much of a social life, go out with local friends once in a while and have a FB group that I keep up with. In a book group although we haven't met for a while. A friend is coming to stay for a week in a few weeks.

I've never felt like I could just invite people over as the house is never tidy enough to do so. I think I've recently worked out the psychology of not just getting on with sorting the place out. I'm 'afraid' that if I do I will begin to make a life that is separate from DH and stop investing what little I still do in our relationship (do you see what I mean by dysfunctional?)

DD has described DH as being 'absent' at the dinner table. DH says he finds it hard to switch off from work and prefers to just think his own thoughts than join in with the family - he finds it difficult to feign interest in what the DC are doing/interested in.

When we go out as a family it sometimes feels like he is not with us - he is either striding out in front or a few paces behind and when we are at events etc he is always on the periphery, barely joining in. He doesn't have any friends (well, one old friend from way back) - says he doesn't need them.

I don't think I'm dissatisfied with myself. I have friends and interests and a great relationship with DCs. I'm happy with my weight and appearance and I've done OK professionally despite a long career break.

OP posts:
NewtRipley · 05/08/2014 17:58

I think feeling can sometimes be displaced from what the real issue is. And sometimes that's depression, or menopause, or fancying someone else.

Or, just falling out of love

NewtRipley · 05/08/2014 17:58

X post

NewtRipley · 05/08/2014 18:00

Do you think he is disengaged because he is cheating, or thinking about it?

Sorry for all the questions

Original poster
agoodinnings · 05/08/2014 18:08

His father died this year so that may be part of it for DH. I don't think he's cheating or thinking about it, he works from home most of the time so is always around.

I don't think I'm depressed or menopausal. As for falling out of love…I can't bear to think that I've fallen out of love with him although it's possible that he has with me (he says he hasn't).

OP posts: