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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I in an abusive relationship?

45 replies

Evia · 04/08/2014 23:51

This may seem like a ridiculous question, but I'm in a dilemma, my partner has hit me several (6+) times during our 3 year relationship, it's always when he has had a drink & he only ever hits me once, though this could be because he floors me every-time. The first 2 times he did it I went crazy & managed to hit him back but this was foolish as He stuck me again & choked me. Is it my fault he hits me? have I made it acceptable for him to hit me because I struck him back in the past?

Normally before he hits me he tries to goad me into hitting him 1st by putting his face at me shouting abuse at me telling me to hit him. There is no-way I would ever hit him, I've learnt that lesson the hard way. He has never once apologised for hitting me, he never even mentions it & if I ever say anything to him about it he either doesn't respond, or brushes it off casually by saying that it wasn't hard & that I only got hurt because I hit my head when I fell to the floor.

We don't live together but we do live in the same street, he is 40+ never married & no children. I'm a divorcee with 2 children. My children adore him.

Reaching out for advise, I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Justrestinginmyaccount · 04/08/2014 23:54

Yes, you are in an extremely abusive, and dangerous situation OP. This man is a vile specimen and you need to leave him before he seriously hurts you.

Do you have any RL friends or family you can turn to? This is not a man who should be around either you or your DC.

Namechangearoonie123 · 04/08/2014 23:54

Leave obviously

wotoodoo · 05/08/2014 00:00

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Everybodyleaves · 05/08/2014 00:00

You should have ended it the first time he hit you.

"is it your fault he hits you"??? NO!!!!!!!!!. Shock

Get out now. You and your children deserve better.

Original poster
Evia · 05/08/2014 00:03

Why do you want to report me? I came here for some help

OP posts:
Justrestinginmyaccount · 05/08/2014 00:06

OP, you have to leave him. There is no fixing this, there is no middle ground to be found...just go!

You cannot live like this, and your children cannot be subjected to this man. It has to end for your safety and their's.

Billynomates71 · 05/08/2014 00:11

End it. Now.

Original poster
Evia · 05/08/2014 00:13

I haven't ever told anyone that he hits me, so I guess over the time it's been happening I've managed to convince myself that it's my fault. He hit me yesterday just as I was about to return home & greet my children after they had spent the wkend with their dad, I made such a ridiculous cover up as to why I was crying & my face was red. I think something finally clicked & I realise I really have to get out of this situation

OP posts:
Everybodyleaves · 05/08/2014 00:16

Working on the principle that your post is indeed genuine. Wotoodoo (and other posters) simply find it hard to understand why on earth you are even considering staying with this piece of scum.

He goads you
He verbally abuses you
He hits you so hard you end up on the floor
He chokes you
He dismisses your attempts to discuss it.

Change your locks. Move if possible, but get yourself and DCs away from this poor excuse for a human being before he kills you

wotoodoo · 05/08/2014 00:17

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RubyGoat · 05/08/2014 00:19

Only needed to read the first line.

Yes. You are in an abusive relationship. Ditch him immediately.

Original poster
Evia · 05/08/2014 00:23

Reality check kicking in. I had no idea that this is how it is, but you're right, when you have listed down back to me what he does I am appalled at myself for even doubting whether it's abuse or not.

OP posts:
MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 05/08/2014 00:29

One punch can easily kill someone, it happens all the time. He doesn't give a damn about that, but next time he hits you, that could be you. So you really really need to not give him a chance to have a "next time".

A man who was not abusive would not hit or choke you, not even once. More than that, he would not get in your face and shout abuse at you - that in itself is quite enough to make him abusive.

If you still find it hard to believe, or need some help with how to get away, do please give Women's Aid a call and they can talk you through it, and what you can do about it.

Original poster
Evia · 05/08/2014 00:31

Why are you attacking me,I haven't meant to upset you, I came here to speak about something that I have never spoken about before & am finally starting to see the light and having some confidence to make some hard decisions & needed advise/ reassurance, from other mums.

I have never knowingly put my children at risk & me & my children do not live with him.

OP posts:
thestamp · 05/08/2014 00:32

I mean this in the nicest possible way, if you are wondering whether a man who chokes you is abusive, you need to ring women's aid this very second because you are in tremendous danger. Please report this man to the police and for Christ sake never allow him near your children again.

velouria · 05/08/2014 00:33

Of course it's an abusive relationship, but this is Mn land not the real world, where you can see behaviour like this normalised by other abused Women all the time. Including in my own family, please don't stay with him, get help, phone Womens Aid, the police, anyone.

It won't get better.

wotoodoo · 05/08/2014 00:36

I am physically shaking Evia, promise us you will get out NOW before he gets wind of your intention to leave. You could be dead very very soon, women in just your position are killed every day of the week. Do not become another statistic.

Let everybody know what has happened to you. Ring the police. Write it down. Record everything. Collect your stuff and your dc and go.

OMG I cannot get my head around the fact you can not recognise this as abuse (unless he has hit you so hard he has given you brain damage).

Everybodyleaves · 05/08/2014 00:37

Ok Evia don't take one persons post and fixate on it.

Well done for speaking out about what has been happening to you.

Focus. You need to act now. Follow the advice above re WA and police and make sure you and DC are safe.

Take care x

velouria · 05/08/2014 00:39

Some people are so clueless as to how beaten down and indoctrinated Women can get, of course someone with good self esteem and options in life would immediately on being punched in the face say, yes, this is not acceptable, I'm out.

This is not the reality of most abused Women, it's very complex and in most cases not just a case of ltb, many layers of brainwashing etc, have some tact.

EverythingCounts · 05/08/2014 00:39

I only had to read the first line of your post, to the 'several (6+) times' bit, to know the answer: yes. He is abusing you. There is no justification. You asked 'have I made it acceptable for him to hit me because I struck him back in the past?' The answer is - of course not - but in any case, he still hit you the first time: how can that be justified? It can't. He is dangerous and horrible.

You've said your children adore him. That's because they don't know the real him. If I knew someone was doing to my mum what he is doing to you, I would want to kill him, no matter how much I had thought of him in the past.

First thing to do: call Women's Aid, as has been said by other posters. They will know this kind of situation very well and will advise you. Thankfully you don't live together. How easy would it be to move? Do you rent or have a mortgage?

bumdiedum · 05/08/2014 00:39

Its not your fault. Its him. Choking you is a really bad sign (as well as not the nicest way to spend your time obviously). He sounds dangerous. Even if he'd agree to seek help its hard for abusive men to change, and if you have DC you have to think about whether its fair to take that risk. If you leave him, you may be in danger if you live so close as he will be hard to avoid. If you do intend to leave him, you could think about reporting it to the police first so they have you on their radar if anything kicks off. Women's aid is there for you, call them and talk it over, and if it was me i'd do that before leaving. I'm sorry, it must be really hard if your DC like him.

GarlicAugustus · 05/08/2014 00:41

Call 101 and ask to speak to a domestic violence advisor.

Also call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 to discuss your relationship and how to make yourself and your children safe.

Do not let him know you've made these calls. Do not let him know you've asked someone whether he's abusive.

Throttling is the single biggest indicator that a person will murder you.

If you can, surround yourself with friends.

Please make those calls.

however · 05/08/2014 00:44

He is an awful, awful man and I'm sure you can do so much better.

What have the other men in your life been like? The father of your kids? Was he good to you?

The man you love is supposed to be good and kind to you. He is never supposed to hit you. Normal couples fight and argue. They say sorry. They don't scream and shout abuse and hit each other.

thestamp · 05/08/2014 00:50

Agreed choking is a very, very strong indicator that your abuser is going to murder you eventually

Pat45 · 05/08/2014 00:54

Sweetheart, you are in an abusive relationship. Anyone capable of loving you would not treat you this way. I know its a complex issue but in answer to your question your are 100% definitely being abused. Its very difficult when you are in this situation to see the wood for the trees. If it was really obvious people would not stay in abusive relationships. I was you once and believe me denial is very real. Go and have a chat with Women's Aid and keep talking to them until the reality sinks in. Anyone who loves you and holds your best interests at heart would not treat you this way. Good luck, you can get out of this awful situation.