Am I in an abusive relationship?

[Evia]

This may seem like a ridiculous question, but I'm in a dilemma, my partner has hit me several (6+) times during our 3 year relationship, it's always when he has had a drink & he only ever hits me once, though this could be because he floors me every-time. The first 2 times he did it I went crazy & managed to hit him back but this was foolish as He stuck me again & choked me. Is it my fault he hits me? have I made it acceptable for him to hit me because I struck him back in the past?

Normally before he hits me he tries to goad me into hitting him 1st by putting his face at me shouting abuse at me telling me to hit him. There is no-way I would ever hit him, I've learnt that lesson the hard way. He has never once apologised for hitting me, he never even mentions it & if I ever say anything to him about it he either doesn't respond, or brushes it off casually by saying that it wasn't hard & that I only got hurt because I hit my head when I fell to the floor.

We don't live together but we do live in the same street, he is 40+ never married & no children. I'm a divorcee with 2 children. My children adore him.

Reaching out for advise, I don't know what to do.

I have never been in a bad relationship before, my childhood wasn't abusive & My ex husband was never abusive.

Thankyou for giving your advise & sharing your opinions, I am grateful to you all & also relieved that no one thinks that I am to blame for being hit, just knowing that I'm not to blame has already given me some confidence to get out

He doesn't live with you. He could follow you. He knows where you go/live and he knows your schedule/friends/dc. You are in such a dangerous position I don't think restraining orders/changing the locks/ would be enough to save you from being murdered.

For your own safety you need to leave the area because legally they won't be able to do anything to him as you have never filed a report against him and you have not told anyone, so you have perpetuated the myth as your dc see him: a lovely and charming man.

I am glad it is dawning on you the reality of your situation. A lot of women have been through exactly what you have been through but you do not have time on your side.

Can we keep posts calm on here please. The OP needs support and advice not scaring off the thread.

Evia, it is an abusive relationship, as you are realising. I hope you stick around on here to get the advice and support from the wise and experienced in these issues. You need to take steps to protect yourself and your children. Ring Women's Aid for advice.

If he hits you he doesn't love you, like you or respect you. He sounds horrible. You say he only hits you once, what a prince he must be. Once is all it takes to do serious harm or worse. I am so sorry for your situation. You are doing the right thing asking for advice. I hope you are able to follow it and free yourself and your children, have you got someone in real life who you can confide in and who will support you.? Good luck and keep posting. You will get support.

you are in a very abusive and dangerous relationship. You should get out now. Take the advice of other posters about how to get out safely.

Don't underestimate the danger you are in. Think of your post and substitute the word employer for partner and imagine you telling someone whether it was safe to stay in that place of work.

when you get out safely as I hope you will, I think you will find that your children did not "adore" him as you think they did but instead had all sorts of unresolved fears/conflicts/worries about him in their lives.

Please tell someone in real life.

Yes, please can we not panic the OP. She is scared enough already without other people adding to that in an unhelpful way.

OP, ring Women's Aid right now or as soon as you can in the morning. Take their advice. Whenever you are next due to see him, work out an excuse not to without arousing suspicions too much. I would say you have a stomach bug or something and say you don't want to give it to him. If he has a key to your house, I would get another lock fitted if you can or keep bolts on so he can't just walk in. Keep your mobile on you at all times and don't hesitate to dial 999 if anything starts again or you feel threatened. Hopefully Women's Aid and the police can be of practical help.

Despite how hard it is women do leave crap relationships. It is not going to be easy but you can do it. Being murdered by an ex is not the norm. Get yourself out of this deadful situation. You can do it and your DC will be relieved that you did. You have no idea how nice your life can be without this person in it. You can leave and find a much nicer way of living your life.

You believe that your DC adore him, please believe me when I say they see more than you realise. I know when I was going through the same as you a social worker told me that she very often gets the real description of the family dynamics from DC as young as 3/4 years of age. Your DC know that he is a bully and staying with him will damage them as much as it is damaging you.

Please for your sake and for your DC leave him. Women's Aid will provide great advice. You have a different future ahead of you if you can just stay strong and ride this dreadful time out. Allow yourself to believe that you can do it.

Op please call the non emergency police line and get yesterday's incident logged. If you have bruising take pictures now and each day. Write down all that you can remember about the incidents. please please press charges. Do not worry if he will lose his job, hate you etc. you can then look to obtain a non molestation order so he cannot contact you.

my partner has hit me several (6+) times during our 3 year relationship
He isn’t your ‘partner’, he’s a man who hits you. They’re not the same thing.
he only ever hits me once, though this could be because he floors me every-time
Once should have been enough. The first time should have been the last. This is not ‘normal’, women don’t expect to be ‘floored’ (or receive any other level of physical assault) from their partners.
The first 2 times he did it I…managed to hit him back … He stuck me again & choked me
Yes, that was how I ended up on the floor with my then-husband’s hands around my throat – someone had said ‘Oh, if he hits you, hit him back!’ and I did. Bad move.
But it should be enough to let you know that this relationship has to end.

he tries to goad me into hitting him 1st by putting his face at me shouting abuse at me telling me to hit him
Don’t be in this situation again. Stop seeing him. But log everything with the police first, and talk it through with Women’s Aid – they might have helpful advice.
We don't live together but we do live in the same street
Not living together is good. Now you need to work down to ‘no contact’, safely.
My children adore him
Tell them his behaviour towards you is unacceptable.
Is it my fault he hits me
Definitely not.

I don't know what to do
You need to extricate yourself from this situation. Do everything you can to protect yourself. First, tell the police. Do you have friends/family nearby? Tell them. Change the locks if he has keys. If he has stuff at your house, pack it, ready. But plan and make arrangements before you mention it to him.

I'm glad you've realised what is happening to you. It definitely isn't yor fault. I hope you can get out of this situation without any further harm.

Ask yourself why you would want to stay in a relationship with a man who clearly - and actively shows - that he hates you. Really, really dislikes you.

I only needed to read the first line. Yes, he is abusive - very much so.

It's not your fault. Are you lifting his hands for him when he hits you? No. Those are his words, his hands, and he is choosing what to do with them. You do not have the power to make anyone do anything, truly. Whatever he does is his choice and his responsibility.

You deserve better. So much better. And you can do it. Because you see, you are responsible for yourself, too. If you want to leave him, there is help at hand: Women's Aid for advice, a refuge for shelter, the police if he threatens or harms you again, therapists to help you get over the aftermath, ...

Please reach out and ask for the help you need to get you and your children out of this situation. First port of call could be phoning Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247

Please tell the police and of course Women's Aid - of course this is not your fault. If you tell the police about choking and you hitting your head they will take it very seriously - this is considered one of the worst forms of abuse.

And I would also advise the Freedom Programme - I can only presume he has done a huge number on you to make you believe this is in any way your fault. You can even do the programme online but in person is better.

www.onespace.org.uk/elearning/courses/freedom-programme

you have to leave apart from the fact that he could kill you SS would say you are not protecting your children wouldnt they?

Morning Evie

Hope you managed to get some sleep and sort things out in your head.

Please let us know how and what you are doing once you get a chance x

He hits you and chokes you. Yes, its abuse. He sounds dangerous.

If a stranger hit and choked you six times, you would dial 999 and the creep would be in prison by now.

Don't accept this.

I didn't manage much sleep last night as I had so much going on in my head, I feel so much better having had everyone's feedback. I have made arrangements for me & the children to be away for the next few weekends & then for my mum to come & stay with us for a few wks after that. In the meantime I'm trying to figure out a way to explain something to the children, where I don't have to tell them what's been going on, but also so I don't end up being the "bad guy" in their eyes.

Oh, well done Evia It sounds like a very good plan! There is usually an age-appropriate way to tell children that we don't keep people in our lives who hurt us / are mean to us / are rude and don't respect us. This is a worthwhile lesson to start learning young, and to keep on learning. You've shown self-care, self-respect, and protected your children. Much to be proud of.

Well done OP. You can find a way to tell the children in an age appropriate way. Please don't use the fact that the children 'adore him' as a reason to stay with him. He's dangerous; however they don't know this right now so cannot be allowed any responsibility for you ending your relationship with this frightening man.
You've made good plans and well done for getting your mum etc involved. He's a cunt.

Well done, Evia. Your kids will thank you down the line. Stay strong.