husband has started divorce proceedings!

[bella1968]

Hi, I have messaged before about my husbands abusive nature to me and the children. Right now I'm so sad I can't even explain it in words, I feel so hopeless. I was going to file for divorce at the end of last week then Saturday I receive a petition from him that he filed on Wednesday (30th). I met with him for our son that morning (whilst the papers were being filed!!) I just can't believe it looking back, he was a mix of nice and nasty, the indirect comments which stab you in the back and the heart!!

He is taking them to jersey tomorrow night, so he told my daughter who told me at 5.30pm to make sure the suitcase was ready for the sunday!! not much notice, I'd packed most of the stuff but nonetheless I'd emailed him over a week ago saying it would be in the hallway tuesday evening. Well I have to pack the toiletries etc. On sunday when he bought my son back (daughter and I had a girly day) I was not there and the reason for this is that he hadn't said when he was bringing him home, the arrangement had been 10-7 but last week he said via email that now that they were on holiday he'll bring them back whenever the bedtime wasn't important so as he'd not said anything I presumed this was still the case. Obviously wrong, he called me up to have a go that I was not there to receive our son, where was I and where was the suitcase which he wanted to be ready, he ranted etc and wouldn't listen to a word so I put the phone down on him, I don't want to see him or ever hear his voice again ever ever ever I'm trying not to hate him as he doesn't deserve any feelings from me he is a useless abusive nasty piece of work and the reasons that he put on the petition are out of order and antagonistic. My solicitor advised me to put little so not to antagonise and then he wouldn't contest also that we would be sending his solicitor a copy to avoid a court hearing. However his solicitors just filed the papers without consulting us and went on and on about what I'd done wrong and how I was accusing him of all sorts that simply isn't true.

I'm beyond despair. I'll sort it out but it's really hard dealing with my feelings and the children but I'm going to miss them terribly until they return on 15th.

He sounds like a complete knob I have a feeling it may be a bit of a rocky road.. especially if he's dragging the kids into it.

Take one day at a time and concentrate on that for the minute, when one tasks completes then give head space to the next. Maybe it's time to see your solicitor again to work out the next step?

Yo sound like a really decent lady.. I hope you find some peace soon.

Ring Women's Aid and talk to them. Ask them to recommend a solicitor who specialises in domestic abuse who will be used to shenanigans like your husband's.

He set you up to fail with regard to returning your children: he stated that he would bring them back when he fancied, and when you were out tried to use that against you.

Don't worry about the divorce petition. No-one will see it except the court. They don't publish the salacious details in the newspaper or anything like that. You were going to divorce him anyway, so now he's saved you the time, trouble and the money by doing it himself.

I second the suggestion of contacting Womens Aid as this will almost certainly not be the end of his shenanigans in order to make your life as awkward as possible.

why jersey? does he have family there? or is this just a holiday? Is his job where you live now.

This is what mine did - 'I call it the Des and Ange' divorce. I had mine all filled it to go off the next day, and his arrived without warning (and this is his second petition...)

Mine is like reading a 'woe is me petition' - and it seems greatly unfair, given his behaviour. But ignore it - he's entitled to write what he likes but you know that the marriage has broken down, it's irretrievable and there's no point remaining married to someone who does not want to remain married to you.

Sign the papers saying I do not agree with his reasons, but I accept that the marriage has broken down.

The good news is that he has to pay the court fees. The bad news is that he gets to control the timetable - this doesn't matter necessarily except he can apply for absolute before you get the financials sorted out. It depends on which boxes he ticks as to whether or not the disadvantages apply. Good to go and check with a solicitor now.

But yes, it hurts like hell. Find things that will give you pleasure - a walk, a spa day etc, a new hair cut. Anything that is going to help you manage getting through this first horrible period. It won't last forever.

You have my total sympathy.

he's visiting family in jersey, there isn't a current passport and he won't have got one in time so no worries there.

The police and social services have been involved, I went to court to have him removed on 12th June and he's been back 1 night since. The only contact that he's fixed is the Sunday's 10-7 any other days he dictated would be as and when but he's not seen them much and doesn't take the opportunity as I would of messaging them every single day. I have a domestic abuse support worker in place and also a solicitor, I was venting because she's away until next thursday and it's typical in my life that this is the time I receive it.

Are you saying that I shouldn't contest if I disagree with the reasons? surely when it comes to the children and who gets them this will be taken into consideration it must be?

thanks for all your replies.

The reasons for the divorce truly have nothing to do with who gets residence etc of the children.

Contesting a divorce is only of benefit to the lawyers, it will cost you a shedload of money for a pointless exercise.

Wellwhoknew can I agree to the divorce but not the reasons on the acknowledgement or will this be contesting it?

From what I understand you need to be very careful with how you word it so that it does not appear that you are contesting it.

I took this from Terry's Divorce Forum (I hope I'm not breaking any internet conventions here).

"Dont get hung up about the reasons that are being used, just return the forms and say that you do not admit to the truth of the allegations made against you and get on with the divorce" from a divorced non-legal poster.

David Terry, [solicitor and forum host] also cautions: the only issue before the court is whether a divorce should be granted on the basis of your partner's divorce petition or not. If she loses that (as is amlmost always the case) then she will be ordered to pay your partner's costs.

The full page can be found here:

www.terry.co.uk/forum/read.php?2,23321

I hope that clarifies things a little. I too was fuming when I got my reasons - mind you they are pretty odd and there's a possibility the judge will throw them out (although this is unlikely). I am not contesting - as they frequently point out, we voluntarily married and you cannot compel a person to remain married if they don't want to.

Sign, return, move on.

Come to MN to rant and rave!

It has zero impact on the children or the outcome of the divorce - however, if he states you are in any way abusing the children, then you must state clearly this is not the case.

Thanks for that.he is saying that I cannot accept my role as a parent and argue with the children.also that I have mental health issues.

[With acute awareness of what mental health disorders are, and what they are not, I say sarcastically:]

Well, we ALL have 'mental health issues' when we're married to abusive husbands! Often times, they tell us this...and their behaviour makes us think we are going mad.

So do they: but we've defined that as "cognitive arseholeance" - a unique condition of abusive husband and their cognitive dissonance!

It's a little chicken and egg story if ever there was one! That's why divorce is good for us: Instant cure (once you get to the end).

Quite frankly there are bone fide mental health issues, e.g. depression, schizophrenia and some personality disorders. These are are well documented, and can only be diagnosed by a suitably qualified individual. Dr. Google is not suitably qualified. Neither is the layperson. For those with genuine mental health disorders, we should offer empathy and understanding; their condition will not have a definitive end date.

Ours do. Ours are a matter of not agreeing/or seeing it through their eyes. It is a matter of a difference of opinion or perspective. In other words: perfectly usual in divorce.

I frequently say my STBXH is mad. I am not suitably qualified to diagnose him, but I cannot fathom his way of thinking. But he is divorcing me, ergo I have little pleasant to say about him and his behaviour.

But that is my spousal opinion and nothing more.

So my advice to you is to get your divorce any which way you can - and that means accepting what he writes. Divorce is not about an individual's behaviour, it is not like what you see on the TV whereby your characters are on trial, it is more about making firm arrangements for childcare and for dividing up the assets.

In other words: that one person wishes to dissolve the marriage is accepted, however, the kids and the cash need to be taken care of. The children's needs are the most important consideration in divorce.

If he is suggesting that you have a mental health disorder in order to get custody of your children - then that is a whole different ball game. Assuming you are the primary carer, you will have to be clinically assessed (court ordered) and before that happens he will have to have very good reasons for making this allegation (well above his opinion), e.g. you have previously been sectioned, or have on-going social services involvement because of your mental health. Judges are very familiar with these kinds of allegations, whereby the children are used to punished/threaten the other parent. He should tread very carefully before trying this on. However, even if you do have/or have had a mental health issue (e.g. post natal depression), there is nothing to suggest that you will be deprived of your children.

And hell - if arguing with your children was that bad - none of us would ever be allowed to keep our kids. There is unacceptable treatment of children and there is parenting children that sometimes drive us crackers!

A good book to read is Family Law by Gordon and Slater, which explains the divorce process in layman's terms, and has several chapters on how children feature in divorce.

It is a very clinical: Divorce is the most unemotional of processes. Come here to vent (I do), but don't confuse feelings with the cold calcuated reality of divorce law. They are not connected.

The reasons for divorce unless they are very extreme (which is very very rare) will not be taken into consideration with regards to the children or finances.

He may have asked you to pay the court fees as the respondent but you can negotiate this.

Most people reasons listed on divorce papers aren't 'nice'. As someone once said to me it's hardly going to be an application for spouse of the year.

There is absolutely no point in defending a divorce. If you don't agree with the reasons when you return the papers you say something like you refute the claims however you agree that the marriage has irretrievably broken down.

wellwhoknew wow what a long message and extremely appreciated thank you I had come across the website you advised the other week actually and have read it again yesterday, to be honest my solicitor said that if I filed the petition then I would have to pay and his solicitors costs too, but now I'm reading this is the exact opposite, it's very confusing as to who is right.

The timing couldn't be worse as my solicitor who helped me in the non molestation order that I went to court to get on 12th June without notice which also had an occupation paragraph to remove him from the home is now away until the 18th so I'm at a loss as to what to decide to do. Obviously I don't want to increase the cost for either of us, it's money that should go on the children and the house to be honest and is simply not a responsible thing to do especially as we have a huge amount of debts and he tells me that his solicitors bills are nearly 5,000!

Ok so now I've spoken to the court and advised my solicitors secretary to contact h's solicitors to ask for an extension due to solicitor being on hols. We'll see where that goes, the acknowledgement slip that didn't come with the petition should arrive today so 8 days will run from today.

As long as I can say agree to divorce don't agree with his statement then I'm happy, gosh, this is all so horrid, I truly hope I will get the children and the house and he can take a running jump, he thinks I've been making spurious allegations, no! I'm been telling the truth, why else would a domestic violence support worker, the police or the social services be listening to me???? surely one of them would have seen that I was lying if that was the case as they are trained professionals aren't they??

He thinks I've been lying to all of them to discredit him rather than facing the fact that he is an aggressive abusive waste of space and has been for quite some time!!granted this has gotten very bad this year but the reason I went on citalopram in the first place in 2011 was because I couldn't handle him!!!!

Bella, my solicitor told me that "she's an unfit parent, she's got mental health problems" is often understood to be a headsup that the husband is a BIG BULLY.

What does arguing with the children mean!? sure it's easier to NOT argue with them. They want juice, I want them to have water. Is that an argument? YOUr h sounds a nightmare.

My x tried to use the fact that I'd taken anti-depressants against me and he ended up making himself look bad.

Good luck. I agree with the others. COme back and vent here. Plenty of people have been through this, and emerged the other end, content, sane & relieved. x

It depends on what boxes are ticked. Usually each side bears their own costs - unless your STBXH is a out and out dick, and then they are awarded. However this is very, very, very exceptional.

My husband is a complete dick. And that's by Judge's decree, not a spousal opinion, by the way, but that's because he, although the petitioner, has refused to co-operate with the divorce procedure, lied to the court, mislead the court, and generally been abusive. He's run up over 6,000 costs already with my solicitor.

However, the court fees are paid for by the petitioner. It's only if you are divorcing for adultery that you can claim them back as far as I know.

My solicitor didn't send the acknowledgement back for three weeks and we haven't suffered any consequences.

The best thing you can do is minimise the contact with your STBXH. When you do have to be in contact remain calm, neutral and completely unemotional - no matter what buttons he may press. If he is verbally abusive, then calmly say that you'll resume the conversation when he has calmed down, put the phone down and go about your day best you can.

If it's by email. Reply, dealing only with facts. Ignore anything that is provocative. If there's nothing to 'action' then ignore the email.

Rule no. 1 of getting divorced: you have to be saint-like in your behaviour.

Leave them to the ones to be cunts.

Divorce has an end date - remember that. He will remain a dickhead for life.

Good luck with it all - I know first hand how awful it can be, so you have my sympathy.

wellwhoknew thanks, I want you as my friend, you are simply marvellous!

is there some kind of divorced mothers get together somewhere say once a month?? if not then there should be

Hi I've just tried to look for the case on terrys web but couldn't find it.

Apologise my link was faulty - I've just checked.

www.terry.co.uk/forum/read.php?2,23321

if it doesn't work, the cut and paste all of the above to you browser and it will take you there.

HTH and take care.

Yep, and my retry doesn't work either.

Highlight the whole link and put it in your browser - then it will take you there.

The heading of that thread is 'Can I see the evidence?'

What I found really useful was this

Don't put the phone down, I used to move the phone waway from my ear and look at it sat on the shelf...there would be a faint rumbling of noise and when it stopped I would listen again - at which time I would say have you finished?

I never listened to his rantts, never had all that negative energy pouring into my ear. He never knew I wasn't listening....

If I had put the phone down he would have called back.

So perhaps a bit odd but it worked for me and he stopped pretty soon as he never got a reaction - well I never knew what he said so couldn't react

So he gave up

thanks well, I've read it all and I think my minds made up now, I shall not contest the divorce but disagree vehemently with his statement.

My solicitor returns from holiday on the 18th so I shall speak to her then. My only interest right now is removing him as much as possible from our lives, I know that he will be forever in our lives due to the children but I need to do anything I can to make sure that I stay in the house with the children. Our debts are so high that it would leave approximately 10,000 each which will provide us with a small deposit on another house but neither of us earns enough to buy a 3 bedroomed house/flat at the moment with all the debts. I can only hope for a 70/30 split in my favour and have the children living with me. I shall be collating all my evidence as to how he has abused the children and I and the damaged the house with his anger outbursts.

I just wish I could predict how a judge would rule, these days there's so much in question it just makes you scared inwardly the whole time. I know I won't lose the kids but I really don't want them to have to move somewhere else as they are starting secondary school in September and at the moment we are having our Son checked out for ASD, moving from friends/school and the places they know would just inflame things for them, surely a judge would see that?

As far as I've read, the needs of the children are paramount, and the wishes of the parents are very much secondary. I realise this doesn't guarantee anything, after all it would come down to whether it is realistic that you can stay in the marital home. However, minimising disruption to the children's lives is best.

It's worth reading Terry's home page about 'men and divorce' and also buy Family Law by Gordon and Slater - they help you manage your expectations a lot.

Sadly, this is my first time getting divorce so it's all new to me.

thanks wellwhoknew I appreciate the advice. Good luck in yours.