The weigh of my decision is very heavy today.

[ICanHearYou]

STBX husband has just got in touch.

He has been offered a promotion at work and is doing really well, it just made me realise that I can't be happy for us anymore, though I am of course happy for him.

We are such good friends, we get on really well and we have two beautiful children together. But I never felt that he really loved me, or that he properly connected with me and he would say things to me that were 'clumsy' like that I would never be beautiful but he 'loved me anyway'. Sex has always been a bit more miss than hit, whenever we seemed to be 'getting somewhere' with it he would not want it for sometimes months at a time and that was incredibly difficult for me.

I have been getting on well, obviously its difficult because what I wanted (us to buy this house, us to have another baby, us to progress and grow together as a couple and family) aren't happening now and I feel a bit in limbo while I get my figure back to a healthy weight before I can think about dating again. Then I worry that I will date for years and never find what I am looking for (though the thought that one day I will find someone who wants me enough to think I am beautiful is great inspiration)

I suppose I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed by it today. Is all that stuff really necessary? Do I have to have a great sex life to be with someone?

I am questioning myself a bit, I know the answers really, it was making me miserable and unhappy and I hadn't looked in the mirror except for by mistake for many years.

But how I wish that our family was still complete, that I could share his excitement at a promotion in a career that I helped and supported him to excel in.

I feel a bit like I've been left behind, whereas his life is still on track, he is still doing great at work, he will still be able to buy his own house in a few years. What have I got? A pipedream of meeting someone who will love me enough to make it all not matter, two children and limited ability to improve my life due to looking after them.

Can someone give me a hand to hold... I am feeling so crushed today.

Hand-holding.

Those all sound like very normal feelings. With every break-up comes regret, for what was good, and for what might have been. But lacking intellectual, emotional and physical connection are all good valid reasons to have split from him: for whatever reason, it just wasn't working out for you as a couple. It's great that it's still working out as you co-parent children, amicably -- not many people have that!

Comparisons with another's life are never a good idea. When you feel tempted to compare, why not compare yourself to an earlier version of yourself? I'll bet the current you is wiser, and more accomplished.

I just so regret not waiting to find someone who really, really loved me. I was a size 10, free-spirited, full of energy and fun. Now 9 years later I am 30, 17st and feel like some of the best years of my life have just vanished into the abyss.

I long to have more babies but I don't know if I will ever meet someone else, I just wish I'd had the sense of self, the understanding that I was worth more than someone who thought of me as someone to settle with because he couldn't get 'one of the really fit girls'

I've never, ever had a man tell me I am beautiful, in fact quite the opposite I've always been told at every stage that I am absolutely not beautiful and its heart shattering.

I feel like I am losing something that is good and nice and easy for something that might never happen.

It's not nice and easy and good if it's also heart-shattering, is it?

I know how you feel. My separation is scarily new, just the last few days and, except for my beautiful babies, there is a part of me yhat thinks we should never have made it past the dating stage had circumstances 12 years ago meant he ended up moving in and relying on me forever. Today I am really really feeling the pain but I know that I deserve more and even though it is hideously hard I am able to look foreard to one day, hopefully, meeting someone who really loves me, who takes care ofme and who makes me feel papassionately alive!

Oh lordy, please ignore all the errors-am on the tablet and can't type on these. Meant to say had circumstances not meant he moved in with me!

You're right, it destroyed me.

It really did.

I suppose I just wish it was him, that we had made the right choice and all the bloody work and effort I have put in to helping him with his career and improving his opinion of himself had gone both ways.

Sorry you're sad. I'm going through a break up for similar reasons. I really miss the life we could have had even though we didn't really have it. It's not nice when a partner puts down his partners looks.. Is he some kind of Adonis? I'm sure you are lovely, if not beautiful, but comments like that, from your supposed loved one (!), can send your self - image and self care/grooming on a downward spiral. I know, I've been there.

hand holds for you in droves.

What have I got? A pipedream of meeting someone who will love me enough to make it all not matter, two children and limited ability to improve my life due to looking after them

This is what we open up for everyone when we say LTB, or for ourselves when we leave. Possibilities. The possibility of finding love, but no guarantee. But you're only 30 - the best years of your life are not behind you - they're ahead.

Sort out a sensible, not too difficult eating plan that suits you, take a deep breath and start again. You're ok. Good things are coming your way.

I;ve lost nearly 2st since i left him end of may...

I'm giving myself til christmas which is when i plan on braving the dating scene...

sorry about the typing, i have a baby asleep on my arm.

There you are, then. Its all underway. You're doing so well. Some days you'll feel down. It will pass. Good luck.

Thank you, I just needed to talk about it because I felt so very very low.

It is for the best though, I know that really.

I ve been to a similar place to where you are now. You can look behind, but you can't go back. The only way is forward. You need to decide what you want from life, realistic aims, and then start taking tiny steps to finding that beautiful person that you are. I m sure it doesnt feel possible at the moment -but it is. No one else can do it for you.The only way is up. Come on, positive mental attitude! Hug xx

I would love to have children with someone who really loves me, but I am 30 now and everywhere I go seems to be reminders that to do that I need to do it NOW

I am lucky really, I have a secure home (council) which I can buy if/when I want to and will be an easy swap for a bigger property.

I have two gorgeous kids and X is very hands on with them.

I am heading for a first on my degree and I have lots of exciting things happening in the next couple of years.

But I am a bit lonely and that is hard, as we all know.

You have two children - you will be centre of their world for a while yet. You will love them, and they will love you, so you aren't in a totally loveless place.You have some really positive stuff in your life at the moment - try to enjoy what you can -I'm sure other relationships will come later -maybe it's just not your time at the moment!

I'm not looking for a relationship at the moment, as I said I am at least 5st overweight, if not 7st overweight.

I want to sort myself out before I start getting involved with anyone else.

Doesn't stop me being lonely though, and slightly regretful that I didn't wait a little while longer for something perfect 9 years ago.

ICanHearYou. What you say really resonates with me, I too had an ExH who never returned the love and support I gave him and who never told me I was lovely either. I also turned to food for comfort. My mistake was to stay with him for thirty years (long story of low expectations on my part).

You have done the right thing and escaped whilst you are still young. Partners like that only drag you down.

You sound like a wonderful person and if you want another relationship I am sure it will be better than your last one because you are more discerning now and are clear in what you want and expect - so you are far more likely to receive it.

30 years! Oh my goodness, I know the sense of despair and loss that accompanies a long relationship without that connection and my heart breaks for you.

I worry that I expect too much now, that my standards are too high.

I want a man who is my equal sexually, I have had positive sexual relations in the past and have come to realise that is an important part of who I am. I want a man who is intellectually compatible with me and able to accept that. Many men seem scared of intellectual equality and I couldn't possibly 'play dumb'
I want someone who is making similar financial decisions as me and who is clear about the reality they want to work for.

I want someone who will be willing and happy to have children with me.

It seems like that is asking a lot!

Well if you had waited for something perfect you'd still be waiting lovey. You come across as genuinely sad which is perfectly natural. But you also sound quietly confident and in control which is even better.Those qualities, along with your children, will spur you on to achieve far more than you ever could from within the wrong relationship.Remember that in the darker days!

How long will I wait this time though? I don't know.

I want someone who is really good at kissing, that would be a good start.

Just leaping in to tell you that I was on my own at 30 with 4 very young DCs, working fulltime.

Two years later I remarried a wonderful man and am still with him 15 years later. We have a DC of our own.

He is a great kisser, sex is good incredible, he is my financial equal, he loves all of the DCs and treats them equally, he makes me laugh every day.

It will happen! Hang in there.

Yes but you're probably drop dead gorgeous Mushroom.

I have been told by everyone in my life that I am simply not able to match up with other women, I am unattractive and ugly, this was even when I was full of youth at 21 and a size 10.

I'm pretty average tbh but with high self esteem and a happy outlook.

I bet there is nothing wrong with you at all. All of us are totally average but beautiful to someone. You need to find your someone. But first you need to be beautiful for yourself.

What would make you feel beautiful? You, yourself, not what you THINK should be beautiful or what someone else has TOLD you.

There have been times when I have felt confident and beautiful but I have always been brushed aside or told differently.

I was brought up on a health dose of 'you're an ugly idiot who nobody will ever love' and that has rung true throughout my life really

first guy I properly fancied 'didn't like' to kiss me because it was 'too personal' so would cuddle me and touch me and occasionally we had sex but he would never look at my face or kiss me.

Then were the countless men who 'got to know' me so they could stalk/ask out my friends

I was told by an older female friend who I looked up to massively that I was 'not beautiful like the others so would have to think of something else to get a man'

Then when I met my STBX, well he agreed that I was not beautiful and told me that he was disappointed not to have had the chance to go out with someone really beautiful but I would do.

He told me that him and his friends used to laugh at me when I was out in nightclubs because I seemed 'flirty' but I was so unattractive it was laughable and everyone clearly fancied my mates.

He told me that one of my friends was 'like a dream' but I was 'the reality'

And it made sense because that is all I've ever heard.

Perhaps with age and lack of eyesight, someone will think a bit more of me but I doubt it.

I just need someone who is good at lying, but first I need to lose this weight! I am in no rush to find anyone quickly, they would have to be some sort of fetish lover to want someone clearly unhealthily overweight and I wouldn't want that.

FFS what NASTY men you've known. Putting their own insecurities onto you, or putting you down to big themselves up. Rubbish.

Lose the weight and feel beautiful for yourself, the rest will follow.

You're not ugly. You've been put down and kept down by people with ugly personalities. You're beautiful and fuck anyone who says otherwise.