The weigh of my decision is very heavy today.

[ICanHearYou]

STBX husband has just got in touch.

He has been offered a promotion at work and is doing really well, it just made me realise that I can't be happy for us anymore, though I am of course happy for him.

We are such good friends, we get on really well and we have two beautiful children together. But I never felt that he really loved me, or that he properly connected with me and he would say things to me that were 'clumsy' like that I would never be beautiful but he 'loved me anyway'. Sex has always been a bit more miss than hit, whenever we seemed to be 'getting somewhere' with it he would not want it for sometimes months at a time and that was incredibly difficult for me.

I have been getting on well, obviously its difficult because what I wanted (us to buy this house, us to have another baby, us to progress and grow together as a couple and family) aren't happening now and I feel a bit in limbo while I get my figure back to a healthy weight before I can think about dating again. Then I worry that I will date for years and never find what I am looking for (though the thought that one day I will find someone who wants me enough to think I am beautiful is great inspiration)

I suppose I am just feeling a bit overwhelmed by it today. Is all that stuff really necessary? Do I have to have a great sex life to be with someone?

I am questioning myself a bit, I know the answers really, it was making me miserable and unhappy and I hadn't looked in the mirror except for by mistake for many years.

But how I wish that our family was still complete, that I could share his excitement at a promotion in a career that I helped and supported him to excel in.

I feel a bit like I've been left behind, whereas his life is still on track, he is still doing great at work, he will still be able to buy his own house in a few years. What have I got? A pipedream of meeting someone who will love me enough to make it all not matter, two children and limited ability to improve my life due to looking after them.

Can someone give me a hand to hold... I am feeling so crushed today.

I lost another kg this week, lost a steady kg/1.5kgs a week at the moment.

Will still be Christmas before I am out of the 'Obese' range but I am not 'Morbidly Obese' anymore, am down to 38.5 bmi

Only 20 weeks to go! You'll do it!

That's amazing progress, well done you.
After splitting from my ex sometimes all I could think about was how I had lost my dreams for the future of a happy little family. The truth is you don't know anymore what the future is going to look like and that is so hard. There is absolutely no reason why you won't find love. Not being overweight. Not being 'unattractive'. It is such a cliché, but appreciating yourself just the way you are makes you attractive.
I thought i'd be alone forever, my ex told me so... People tell you all kinds of crap, doesn't make it true.
You sound lovely, and lovely people find lovely people. Just don't settle for less than lovely!

And you know what, those so called 'beautiful' people who sneered at you will develop lines on their faces to show the kinds of people that they are, and they wont look beautiful in old age, or even middle age.
After 30, after 40, and especially after 50, we care less and less about the superficial gloss of skin deep 'beauty' and look beyond to the person deeper within, and thats where true personal beauty shines through. Kindness shows in the face. The love that you have for your children, and the kind of woman who has supported others will show and you will care less about the kind of people who just want a trophy wife on their arm.

What awful things people have told you! No wonder they play on your mind.

You are bound to be low at the moment with everything you have gone through. It is hard but hang on in there.

Good god, what a complete cock your STBX sounds! I think he knew he was rubbish in bed, and put you down to make up for it!

Some of the most beautiful people aren't, strictly speaking, actually beautiful. If comes from their laugh, their voice, how they smile, they way they look at people with kindness, humour and genuine interest (rather than over that persons should at themselves in the mirror)
Keep I losing that weight, for your health and self esteem. Make the most of your assets, if it's your eyes, hair, nails. Again for your own personal self esteem, not others.

It truly is about confidence, and being comfortable in your own skin.

I know how words can hurt. But they come from someone who doesn't have hidden depths. They have hidden shallows :)

And for what it's worth I'm way over weight, have crooked teeth, a rather imposing nose and everything is heading south. But I know people that I love think I'm beautiful. And I bet your children do too.

Holding your hand

You are THIRTY! You're young! Please don't think your life is over. And give over about 'perhaps with age and lack of eyesight' you are worth so much more than that! You're feisty (ohhh yes I know this because of our little altercation you're strong, and I bet underneath your low opinion of yourself you're bloody beautiful.

Do you go out at all, with friends or..?