just found out dp been having an affair help

[jolly4]

i am distraught i have a 9 yr old boy and 18 month girl , we have had our ups and downs as you do but we are getting along just fine and planning a weekend away alone,mypartner and i, we have been together 17 yrs not married, he went away to latvia today with 3 boyfriends , my mother came at 7 too keep me company i am not against him doin things with his mates but i had a knock on our door at 10 too 9 . this woman s sister works with my partner , she came too tell me she has been seeing him for 9 months twice a week when he finish work, and has been out twice and that she has had an abortion too him today and she said he said he would nt leave me because of kids and i would stop him ,i was so calm then but now so angry , she scratched all his car bonnet on way out , i think she is scorned and he has had a mad affair , by the way i had pnd and 2 months ago hit an alltime low we have been away to spain in june anglesey in august we have had it hard though the usual we are both41 he is loving towards me and i have no doubt this stupid cow has been naive she knew about me ,sorry i could have got into affairs i just dont go there ,what a b ----d i love him dearly how do i deal with this ,dont just say get rid thats what i thought but its difficult

you still there?

need to retire. But, as you may appreciate, you don't know what, if any, of this is true.

Other than that, this situation always begs more questions. But it is late. Take care of you tonight, and I know there will be others around in he morning.

hey up chuck, don't have any immediate advice to offer but wanted to keep this bumped...have you asked your husband about this yet or is he in latvia? hope you're ok. xx

sorry sleepinessmum did message other thread bout affairs will get back later bit busy at mo thanks anyway for your support

THink there must be something in it otherwise why would she turn up making a fool of herself at your home? He at least went out with her once - and that's bad enough even without the regularity she claims and her maybe aborting his child. He obviously wasn't serious about this woman and the relationship, if that's any consolation. Personally that abortion (if it's true) would be worrying me a great deal.

Thank goodness he's away for 3 days and you can think (really hard) about how you are going to handle this. Sometimes the clever thing is to keep your own counsel. I don't know what's best for you, wish I had good advice but I'm afraid I haven't. What do you think you'll say/do when he gets back?

yes he been phoning me and texting dosent want too lose me typical he will do anything too make it ok , he loves me and wants us too talk it thru , all what she said isnt true , he sed he tryed too end months ago , but she threatened him with coming and telling me , he said she held him too ransom , she now wants 560 quid for the socalled abortion he said she is a liar , i personally dont think she was preggers , i ask who went with her she said noone ,i do want too work it thru , but not telling him that yet , i do love him , i am so shocked , he did say he met her at christmas do , he works with her sister ,she been turning up at his works and is now not letting go ,he has been out of order but so has she ,she knew he was in a relationship ,also she she didnt want ties was happy for whenever but she wanted more it was just sex he told me this point is he been found out

have you spoke to your dp? what a b*stard.

no he was out of order he has a gf and kids please dont let him turn this round why did he keep sleeping with her? soryy but he is trying to blame her for his cheeting he cheeted on you not her! sorry to be harsh if you want to work things out fine but make sure you dont give him an easy ride or he will do this again

I was sleeplessinmn last night.

Undoubtedly he did regret commencing on the affair, but, in sympathy with loliepops, the bit about 'held to ransom' is frankly a load of bo**ocks. IT was convenient to go along with for the fun. I'm afraid affairs ARE for cowards of sorts, and it is too much to expect of a coward to end something if there is the least pressure or excuse to not do.

jolly4- how are you? I know ecactly how you are- you feel sick and confused and angry and full of love all at the same time- you feel like you are living in a soap opera, someone elses life, nothing seems real yet it is all very real and you are devistated and can't quite believe any of this and yet you have to keep going and hiding as much of your feelings as you can from the children.......
I've been there- 3 years ago- my dh had an affair with a work colleague, we'd been together for 20yrs at that time married for 16 of them, had 3 beautiful children, both 39/40 ish and I had no idea until the day he sat me down and told me (because her dh had found out and was about to turn up on the doorstep to enlighten me!)
The only difference is there was no suggestion og a child (although I held my breath for months half expecting that to be the next issue- it was awful)
We are still together and are doing well and in many ways are closer and stronger now having gone through this awful experience together- his fault completely (her too although she didn't owe me anything she hadn't promised to be faithful to me and had children with me) It is very easy to turn all your anger to her- yes she deserves it- she is a stranger to yoiu who has stolen a part of your world and you didn't even know!! however HE is the one who owes you HE is the one who has betrayed you and now has to do everything in his power to make this right IF YOU WANT HIM TO!
For me I decided not to "get rid" although there's loads of pressure to do so- what I did was weigh up the fantastic years we'd had together,against the "year" of his "losing the plot big time"- it took him quite some time to come to his senses and I had to dig very deep to wait for him to do so even though he didn't deserve it.
I don't know the state of your relationship- ours was good and loving and Ifound it so hard to understand why and how his affair happened.....I eventually made some sense of it....not an aexuse but some sort of sense...he was being made redundant at work and as the boss was also making about 200 other people redundant, he was 40 he was a man!!!!!! cliched though it is he had a "mid-life crisis" where suddenly he thought he wanted something else in life and nearly tore us all apart to discover that actually what he wanted he already had!
PLEASE PLEASE TALK- to him make him tell you everything , honest, hurtful talking- you , if you are to have any chance of going on together have to make sense of this....you do not have to frogive (some things in life are unforgivable)you do have to find a way to live with what he's done. He now has to tell all (and none of this sparing your feelings not telling you things because it will hurt more....it just ends up being more secrets and mistrust) NO SECRETS it has to be.
If you want you can make it work again, you've done nothing wrong here, you are not naive or a mug (I know you'll be feeling it)all you did was trust and gave him space and choices that goes with trust. He has abused that he now has to work very hard to get it back.
I went to see a counsellore- for me, to deal with the overwhelming feelings, the rollercoaster i was on...it helped me make choices and not to let the feelings become too destructive. In the end my dh also went to see someone to understand what he was doing and why he'd got to where he'd got! We actually did little formal counselling together we found once we'd got both our own heads in some sort of order then we talked a and talked and talked and still have to now. Three years on the pain at times is still so fresh but it's less and less.
I hope this helps....ask anything you want....I remember feeling so alone and was desperate to talk to someone who knew how it felt.there are others who can help ot there too they helped me. Keep talking honey.take care.

slight hijack i'm afraid. Haven't heard from you in ages are you ok maturer. Have emailed you just concerned. Get in touch hun xx

sorry i have just got ontoo this now thanks for your, talk maturer , yes i have decided what we have got is not worth throwing down the pan, there is alot of love between us we have talked , it has funnily enough bout us closer together ,he is 40 i do put it too we lost our way , he was feeling lonely i am quite understanding really ,we are going too relate i also have one on one counseling well just waiting apparently you cant see another theripist if you already see relate , i have no doubt in my mind that he dosent love me ,he is working harder now as we are both aware of our feelings more it is a loing process some days i feel crap others i cope , it is only been since 15 th sept , we are having time out alone at the end of oct for a weekend ,he is reassuring me all the time that he loves me in actions and words wereas before he found it very difficult to show emotion , case of he realises what a fool he has been and how close he was to losing us ,but we will never stop talking now we have more plans it has made the penny drop thanks and i feel for you too good luck maturerxxxxxx

Jolly4 I never posted on your thread at the time but I have been through this too.We are stronger than ever now.I still have very bad days but they are few and far between and it has was a year in july that I found out.It does take lots of time and talking and I am glad you are more positive.

well it is now oct 23rd i found out dp having affair 15th sept , i am struggling now feeling or having destutive thoughts it has been 3 weeks since our first relate advisers appointment thing is we both want too try and move on ,thing is he is saying he is finding it hard too forgive himself , i have been feeling negative i need him too uplift me he seems a bit withdrawn he basically seems depressed , i am on antids been since july due too just i do get up and down , he saying he feels insecure and feels that i am on a false feeling with tablets , and thinks i could kick him out , and he dosent feel secure , sorry but how the fk does he think i feel , i have said this too him , i want him too go the docs and get help he is depressed but said he deserves too feel the way he does cos of wot hes done ,i just hate this sometimes i do feel like just endig the relationship it is so painful anyone there know wot i mean just need bit of support xxxxxx

hence since i last posted he has not been as consistent i found myself questioning does he really love me , does he mean it , i said i feel he has backed off a bit now but i need constant reassurance , but i am feeling a bit of a downer as if i want to tell him to leave at the moment , then i think is that what he wants me too do ,he says not but then i think is he too weak to go oh i dont know

plus i am off work this week and dread him going too work i got more time too think , the woman he works with is the sister of the woman he had the affair with , he said work is very streessful because of the situation working with her sister this woman is an alcholic too the one he works with she introduced them at last christmas do , and the woman he works with gave him her number too contct her sister ,so she is just as baed , even thou it is his fault he took up on it ,i hate this mess

i am now thinking that i want him too go too his mums and let me be alone , but will that tear us apart , read something in a magavine that simon cowell said if you go into affair it is because you know it will break up relationship so deep down you want too end it and have an affair but i dont feel that

Do you really believe Simon Cowell to be a relationship expert???!!!!! I think not somehow.

The reasons for an affair are numerous, but basically they stem from an underlying problem with the relationship or the person themselves. I'm guessing your dp felt insecure in your relationship, maybe cos of your depression? (And no it's NOT your fault). If bothof you are depressed that will make your journey even more difficult, but it's worth making the journey. Start with one small step - holding hands, kissing, having a meal together on your own, talking, a nice text message. Make a small effort every day. BOTH of you - you both need re-assurance. A counsellor will help.

Good luck.

THANKS TITCHY I KNOW IT IS A LONG JOURNEY AHEAD I AM TRYING TOO BE POSITIVEX

I wouldn't believe most of what he tells you. People don't usually tell the full truth about these things first off, if at all. If people leave that often hastens the end which may not be what you both want.
May be keep going to the counselling. He should be working very hard to be nice and support you etc and it sounds instead as if he's having to deal with his own feelings about what he wants so it's harder for you than it should be.

we stioll talking he is depressed did admit last nite but feels embarassed about goin too doctors i basically told him that if i took that view were would we be now

jolly4 the route you've chosen is not an easy one and you will go through more emotions than you ever knew existed (sometimes in the same breath!)
I read a good article the other day by a marriage counsellor who talked bout 3 steps to recovery...as I read it I thought yes we did that without knowing we were doing it...now I din't know if we will ever fully recover but we are still together 3 years on and I look more forward than back theses days.

The steps were 1.Get your own head in order ie yours and his seperately.

1. Honesty- complete and utter get all the "demonds" out in the open.

3 Work together, listen. talk be there for each other. He talked about doing them in that order as so many people try to go straight for step 3 but they can't do it because they are both still hurt and confused and full of destructive feelings.

Your dh is probably trying to deal with guilt and as much a you with trying to understand what just happened.I know he has no right to your compassion but from my experience I had to wait a long time for my dh to come to his senses ( deep inside I had this faith that he would do the right thing in the end , that he didn't real want this path he'd taken....I was so right in the end....but it is so hard to look deep inside yourself when you are hurting so much) I knew my dh had turned a corner when he himself said I need to get my head sorted and found a counsellor and did a few weeks of counselling.

I did the same to deal with the emotions and to safely let off theses emotions...it helped me see what I really wanted.

Your dh is probably not fully telling the truth yet...my dh took a few months to finally get his head round the no secrets thing and be totally honest with me.

Don't give up you can get through this.

what do you mean maturer that heprob not telling the truth yet ,we spoke last nite i was angry and told him i think there is something more on his mind , he finds counseling difficult asked him about doin seperate counsel he, s nervous bout it ,we are away fri sat without children see what that brings thanks for your support evry one xxx

Jolly4 please don't think I've got all the answers....I certainly haven't. I don't know your dh you do...all I can say was what happened in my sorry story.
When my dh firts confessed there was someone else he told me when I asked how far it had gone that it had gone as far as kissing.....mug here believed him....he told me he'd stopped seeing her ...I knew that wasn't so

eventually it came to crisis point...he left
came back the next day begging forgiveness and telling all...still took him a few months to get her completely out of our lives and he couldn't get into his head at the time how I needed to know all ( he says now he understands that but at the time he was scared that if he told me all he'd lose me, he hadn' t faced uo to what he'dbeen doing, he couldn't understand himself and he didn't want to hurt me with the details....I know I know!!!!!rich really but this was his thinking then)

So from my experience I'm saying if he hasn't got clear in his own head why/how he got into that situation in the first place he's probably not got clear how much you NEED to know all despite the pain it will cause.

There may be no more to tell but i'm afraid lots of people I spoke to who've been through this talk about a similar experience,......it's denial on his part, after all the true facts make him out to be not a nice person and he's probably just realising that which is why je can't talk about it readily.

My dh nearly sent himself crazy with the guilt it wasn't until he finally started talking ...to a counsellor and got his own head straight that he came to his senses and back into my world.

maturer,wondered,if,you,still,around,needed,too,chat,i,asked,dp,to,leave,in,novmber,he,gone,to,his,m ums,but,lots,has,happened,in,a,rite,mess,help