Grandparents and favourtism between your own DCs

[HowYaLikeThemApples]

We have 4DCs ranging from 6 to 13. My inlaws have always favoured DS1. Being the eldest he was the first to be invited for day trips and sleep-overs from a very young age. The other three were not invited and this was fine as they were too young to notice. Over the past 2 years DS2 has also been invited on the sleepovers and days out.

The problem is that DS3 and DD1 have begun to question why they are never invited. I have always been able to explain it by saying that they are too young, but they now realise they are past the age when DS1 and DS2 started going.

It is apparent whenever we visit PILs that DS1 and DS2 are favoured and DS3 and DD1 are more, shall we say, tolerated. They are well behaved but I feel they are constantly being expected to act the age of their older siblings which is unfair and I do point this out when necessary. Their behaviour for their age is no different to how DS1 and DS2 used to be.

I would say that I don't actually want DS3 and DD1 to spend time alone with the PILs because they are treated differently but how on earth to I explain it to them? I always make sure we've got fun things planned when the oldest are away.

Any advice?

Do you think it is because as your parents age and your children age, your parents are too old to cope with the demands of the younger ones, or all four together?

That's very possible and sadly means the younger two will never get a look in. I feel sad for them and don't know how to explain it to them.

Just that nanny and grand dad are too old to cope - thats not a bar to them developing a relationship with their grandparents, it just means there will be limited opportunities for sleepovers.

Somethings just don't appear fair. But it isnt always that way.

My friend is a LP, she lives with her parents and her child, al in one house. Her sister is immensely jealous of this, despite being married with three children; she deems it unfair that this one grandchild has attention 24/7, that three are three adults at his beck and call. My friend on the other hand could do with a little less parental 'guidance' and would give her right arm to be in a stable relationship with the promise of another child on the horizon.

Things are rarely what they seem. I doubt your parents have different levels of love in their mind, it may just be about coping with the number of children.

It's really difficult, in our case the grandparents favour their other grandchildren rather than my kids. The children haven't noticed yet but they soon will. I feel quite bitter about it to be honest and haven't found a resolution at all.

Do you think they could cope if they ONLY had the younger two, or maybe even the younger children individual? At least that way there would not be the obvious comparisons?

It's probably an age thing. As the GP's get older they are less able to cope with the younger GC.

Very often the two youngest will ask me quietly in front of the PIL when can I come over to stay, the PILs hear but they completely ignore them. I'm usually left trying to distract the kids from the conversation which has worked so far but I fear no any more.

Surfsup1 I honestly wouldn't want them to have the youngest as I would be worried for them (the kids, not PILs) the whole time. I know the PILs don't want them and I don't want to send my kids somewhere where they are not wanted. Its difficult to explain all the different ways they're treated but one example comes to mind. If DS1 asks for a drink when we visit the PILs they are literally falling over themselves offering various alternatives to drink, always trying to make sure they've got his favourite drink in for him. If the two younger ones ask for a drink it's met with eye-rolling, exhales of breath and exclamations of "yes, yes, alright, alright, in a minute" It's really quite sad to see.

I spend most of the visit trying to anticipate anything the youngest two might say or do that will invariably annoy the PILs, but yet if the oldest two make the same request it would again be met with them falling over themselves to deliver.

Holdthepage sadly the PILs have always been like this, I totally accept it is also age related.

I think this sounds very sad for your younger dc. I have 4 too and they each have their own special time with gp.
I wouldn't let the gp treat my dc differently. If my eldest dd has a shopping trip with gp and then is invited somewhere else a few weeks later, I say no as dd has had her treat and it's one of the others turn.
If your pil don't accept this they need at accept they won't be enjoying one on one time with the eldest either. It is not fair and if not stopped, resentment will grow between the dc and the self esteem of your youngest could be effected.
Quality time with each of them in turn or none of them.

That's what my head is saying to me too Hickory BUT it then feels as if I'm punishing the eldest two and they will then resent the youngest, even though it's none of their doing . And I still can't get away from the feeling I just don't trust the PILs to treat the youngest two fairly and according to their age if I'm not there. What a mess.

Surely the more time they spend with the youngest, the better relationship will develop.
If not your eldest will need to learn to accept all dc need tone treated fairly and they are benefitting currently from the unfairness of it. Not nice. It's not their fault, but still they need to learn they will get their turn so long as younger dc too.
Why any gp could do this is beyond me. It fosters such upset, disappointment and the feeling you're not good enough.

What is more important fairness, equality and good sibling relationships. Or the eldest having good experiences at the upset of their younger siblings.

It has to be fairness.

I completely agree with Hickory
I think you need to have a conversation with them to explain that they take them in turn or not at all.

In our family, we have a rule that the grandchildren have to be treated equally but not necessarily the same.

I have DD13 and DS11 whilst my sister has DD13, DD10 and DD5. We all live in the same village. This allows for differences of age, gender and personal preferences as to how they spend their time.

Fortunately, we all agree on the approach. I do think it's important that your elder children see it's not okay for them to get preferential treatment. Tough one for you to manage though.

This is making me realise more and more that it's not just about the younger two getting their turn for sleepovers. I've been imagining the offer of such a sleepover for them, and I would be filled with bum-tingling dread at the constant nit-picking I know they would be subjected to. I honestly think they are always going to fall short in the PILs eyes. They are the age they are, they cannot match the level of maturity of the older two. It's so unfair on them.

If your PILs don't want your younger children (I don't mean that they are unable to, I mean they don't want them), I wouldn't send any of my children, to be honest. I wouldn't play along in their favouritism game. You say that your PILs pretend not to hear when your younger children ask why they cannot come. That is really not good at all.

I think that the younger two should go without the elder, and then they will build the kind of relationship that the elder two have. Could you perhaps go along the first time, and leave your older dcs with their Dad? That way you could help with any conflict. Are they your parents? And how old are they and the dcs?

It is a difficult one. From a personal perspective my DH is much better with small children than I am (I do not and have never possessed patience) I prefer the company of my children now they are teenagers.

I can only imagine when I become a grandparent I will be making appropriate noises and wishing their lives away until they are older and more interesting. Will I be able to mask this sufficiently between my own children if there is a spread of ages? Will I prefer to spend time with the child who shares my interests?

It's quite a deep question really.

However at 13 your eldest will notice if you decide he cant see his GPs any more..... and he will massively resent you for it.... plus in a couple of years he can vote with his feet and see them if he damned well pleases.

What does your DH say about this?

hellymelly They are my in-laws and I struggle to get along with them, mainly I would say because of this issue. I have to bite my tongue a lot when I take the children to see them. They also like to parent "over" me. If a disagreement starts between any of the children, no matter how small, they will not hesitate to say something before I've even managed to draw breath and deal with the situation. And it's usually to the detriment of the younger children. The DC's are 13, 11, 9 and 6.

Frank that's it exactly. If I stop the eldest from going over I know he will resent me for it. He loves them very much (who wouldn't when you're treated like the bloody Messiah!!). All the kids love them.

DH agrees with me. Funnily enough he remembers the same sort of treatment from his grandparents towards his eldest DB, to the detriment of the others and used to annoy his DM. I can't see why she doesn't see she's repeating history.

I think your youngest dc will resent you more and suffer the consequences if you continue to enable your pil behaviour.
You need to stand up for your youngest as they do not have the power or understanding to do so. They are asking this if you on a way when they enquire when it will be there turn.
Your olders will not resent you if you explain it is their siblings turn. They need to understand and maybe they will explain to gp why they can't go.
I was one of 4 and I experienced this when I was younger and it is v unpleasant. I make sure all my dc are treated equally. As someone up thread said, not necessarily the same but equally.

I think your DH needs to tackle this asap. He needs to talk to your pil and remind your Mil of how she felt when her dcs had the same treatment. He can say how much all the children love them, but that you as a family can't allow the elder two to be favoured over the younger. Maybe they could take the younger two on a relatively stress free outing, like the cinema, and build from there. Six is still pretty small, so maybe they could have the nine year old overnight first and then the youngest? If they are getting more elderly maybe it is the numbers they find hard as much as the ages, 4 children are a lot noisier etc than one or two. if they get time with the younger two they may realise that they can cope with them easily two at a time. I really think something needs to be said right away, as it is eroding your own relationship with them, and that isn't good for any of you , now or for in the future when they really are frail.

The issue of managing older kids better, only works up to the age when the older ones started going. Now that the younger ones are past that age, the issue is void. It is quite obviously favouritism.

It's definitely favouritism, you can see it in their faces when they look at the children, how they interact with them, the interest they show in them, etc.

I would never in a million years expect them to take all four at once Helly (heck, I struggle myself some days!), but certainly by now had hoped they would have at least invited our 9 year old DS on a day out with one of his brothers.

I guess I don't want my PIL having them if I have to insist, I want them to WANT to spend time with them as they do the older two.

I really do feel I'm between a rock and a hard place, damned if I do and damned if I don't.

Hickory that's how I feel, I want to stand up for the two little'uns. I'm sorry it happened to you as a child.

They are probably completely unaware that it is favouritism . Maybe they didn't make as much effort with the youngest when they were tiny, and so now have a closer bond with the older two. Maybe they feel that the oldest needs attention as he has to share it at home. Whatever the reason I do think you should tackle it, and possibly refuse to let the eldest go until it is resolved, not in ana ngry way, but in a "it is causing conflict between the children, which isn't fair" sort of a way. I think they need to have a think about what they are doing and why. How elderly are they?