Grandparents and favourtism between your own DCs

[HowYaLikeThemApples]

We have 4DCs ranging from 6 to 13. My inlaws have always favoured DS1. Being the eldest he was the first to be invited for day trips and sleep-overs from a very young age. The other three were not invited and this was fine as they were too young to notice. Over the past 2 years DS2 has also been invited on the sleepovers and days out.

The problem is that DS3 and DD1 have begun to question why they are never invited. I have always been able to explain it by saying that they are too young, but they now realise they are past the age when DS1 and DS2 started going.

It is apparent whenever we visit PILs that DS1 and DS2 are favoured and DS3 and DD1 are more, shall we say, tolerated. They are well behaved but I feel they are constantly being expected to act the age of their older siblings which is unfair and I do point this out when necessary. Their behaviour for their age is no different to how DS1 and DS2 used to be.

I would say that I don't actually want DS3 and DD1 to spend time alone with the PILs because they are treated differently but how on earth to I explain it to them? I always make sure we've got fun things planned when the oldest are away.

Any advice?

They're late 60's.

Do you have a set time when you visit the GP - e.g. every Sunday afternoon? Can you engineer it so the elder 2 had something else exciting on when you are due to visit, then GP would only see the 2 youngest? Do it a couple of times and see if it improves?

In terms of the correcting you, perhaps you could be a bit PA about it. Say something along the lines of 'Yes, Granny is quite right, however why don't you XYZ (change the outcome to how you would have dealt with it in the first place)'

My MIL plays favourites with her GC, although neither of ours are on the favourite list. Favoured child recently had her tonsils out, and MIL came begging asking my DS to lend her his lego sets whilst she recovered. Both my DC were like ' does Favoured not have her own toys to play with?' My DD broke her ankle in 3 places earlier this year, and I am quite sure MIL wasn't badgering people to lend her toys for her entertainment.

It is really sad isn't it?

Maryz I would probably suggest DS3 went with one of the older brothers. I honestly don't think my PILs are under the impression they would be expected to take all four, but it's never been discussed so perhaps that's what they're worrying about? I'd never send more than two!

We visit them usually once a week. I have gone the opposite way in recent months, keeping the youngest two at home with me for a good few weeks while my DH took the eldest two over to visit. I did it just to see if they would actually ask after them, miss them maybe, but nothing was ever said. Beryls idea is a good one, taking the youngest two instead and saying that the oldest are busy with friends/activities etc.

Beryl it is very sad.

Def worth saying something. And not in a pleading or particularly nice way. But I doubt it will change if it happened with your DP, in fact you will prob find that they were the favoured sibling themselves when they the GPs, were DCs, or perhaps weren't and are now 'correcting' things.

There was obvious favouritism with my DCs and their GMs but we hardly saw them so it didn't matter.

Send eldest DS a few times but do fun things with the other DCs, he might be less keen and you can reduce visits. I think I might just say to the DCs what is happening and look annoyed and exasperated about it. Making it a secret or fobbing them off makes it worse for he younger 2 as they will wonder what they are doing wrong.

I can totally relate to this .. my now ex inlaws totally adore dd1, dd2 never got a look in, it used to pee me off no end. Before me and my ex split i explained my anguish about the situation, he didn't see it until the end. In one of their rooms , they has 26 photos of dd1 and 1 of dd2 !. His sister got married a few yrs ago and originally they were having both girls as flower girls, but in the end only wanted dd1, brought around a dress for dd1, i asked about dd2's dress.. reply was " oh we will get her some sort of a dress", in the end myself and dd's didn't go to wedding. My ex did talk to his parents about it and they said they didn't realise!! They only have one pic of each dd up now. They still favour dd1, but there is not much i can do.

I know I'm a little less concerned about confrontation than some, but I would simply call them out on their behaviour and explain how upsetting it is for your family. I would also be cutting back on visits - unfairness really gets my goat.

I feel all angry on your behalf!