My mum makes me so tired

[Dancingstar]

I feel very selfish and guilty writing this. I don't know if I am being unkind about my mum because I'm sure she loves me, but it is such an emotionally demanding and suffocating kind of love. She seems to be always "ill". I feel so unkind saying this but it is almost as if she uses illness as a form of control. For exiample, I have a busy, stressful job. There are some weeks where when I finish work I can barely put one foot in front of the other I am so tired so in those times I don't normally phone her. But if I leave it more than 5 or 6 days she is always ill in bed when I do phone. Its almost like I have to be guilty about not calling. She doesn't get ill if I am phoning 2 or 3 times a week.

She doesn't seem to understand that I have a life that is involved, interesting and very different to the one that she had. She constantly questions what I do and why I do it, but not in an interested way, more in a judgemental way. To be honest I don't tell her much about my life and my job now because I feel like I have to justify myself all the time. It's as if she doesn't understand that I have different interests, opinions, likes and dislikes to her.

Sometimes I just like to turn my phone off and have some peace and quiet but invariably if she has tried to call me and I don't answer she gets near hysterical and tells me how worried she's been about me. Today, after two weeks when I feel that I have had no time to myself I "disappeared" off for the afternoon to a local tourist spot. I came back to find messages from sundry relatives telling me my mum had been taken ill and they'd had to call 999. I felt annoyed - and then guilty about being annoyed-because it was as though she intruded on the bit of space I tried to make for myself. But then when I eventually spoke to my brother it turned out the paramedics had said it was a none emergency and that she was now snoring away in bed. I know that if I go and see her tomorrow I will have to answer questions about where I went and why and will end up having to justify doing something that she won't understand. I just feel the need to have time and space to myself sometimes. There is nothing wrong with that, is there?

She sounds like an emotional vampire, tbh. And her level of control over you amounts to emotional abuse - it is not a healthy relationship.
Is she like this with your brother? do you have other siblings as well, is she like it with them too, or just you?

She is like it with my brother and my sister. I do feel bad for her - she is always so sad about everything. Sometimes though that makes me annoyed because it is a sort of emotional blackmail - she will tell me that she feels sad about something in my sisters life and I know that she will be telling my sister that she is sad about something in my life. But they are not things that I or my sister feel sad about ourselves - it just seems to be another way of making us feel guilty for making her sad, if that makes any sense.

Oh well at least you all cop it together, that's kind of a bonus! She sounds like she's one of life's natural Eeyores - unless she's had big tragedies in her life that make her always sad?

Can think of 2 things

1. try and get her interested in some sort of hobby so she can make friends and have interests to help fill up some of the emptiness in her life.
2. tell her that you will call her on a set time(s) or day(s) of the week and explain that other times you quite often turn your phone off or don't answer it because you need some time to yourself. Perhaps arrange a special trip out together so she can have something to look forward to. I had an auntie who was very similar. I think people like this become hypochondriacs as a way of gaining attention. Tell her you love her, then stop feeling guilty. I doubt she even realises what she doing to you and (no doubt ) your siblings too. I very much she can stop this behaviour as it has become so entrenched in her. Give her some of your time as as and when you can and then get on with living your own life. She ain't gonna change, so you have to change your way of thinking to be able to cope with this so it doesn't get to you.

Your post has echoed quite a lot of my young adult life. I found my mum's neediness very draining, and I found her inability to understand what was going on in my life very annoying, mainly because of the additional stress it put upon me - one incident I remember her telling me she had bought me something (I neither wanted it or needed it) and told me she would post it to me (lived 300 miles away), I told her I was snowed under with work, taking up my weekend time so asked her to leave posting it for a few weeks as I knew I'd have to go to sorting office to pick it up. She posted it, I then had to find time to pick it up. She believed she was being generous and thoughtful (which she was) but it just put extra stress on me.

Things really escalated after I had DS. I was on ML. She took to phoning me for chats at various of day and I was expected to drop whatever it was I was doing for 20/30/sometimes 45 minutes. A lot of the time she was trying to convince me to do this/go there/buy that. I repeatedly explained to her that we couldn't afford it as my pay had been greatly reduced - she just didn't get it.

heyday hits the nail on the head. I began to make a conscious effort to phone her very regularly in the evenings when it was convenient for me. I also stopped answering the phone during the day - she never really rang my mobile unless urgent.

She also found herself a hobby and has become quite involved in it. At times I think she has a busier life than me now, which I am really happy about. I enjoy our phone calls now - they are interesting. She can still be a bit judgy about things but I do call her on it and does wind her neck back in.

It is very draining and you can end up feeling very guilty for feeling the way you do.

Is she lonely? No partner? No one to talk to on a daily basis?

My mum is 80. I know 80 year olds can have bad health, but this is not a recent thing - it's been like this for years. I remember as a child being worried that she was going to die - now as an adult I see that during that particular incident she was probably suffering with cystitis. She lives with her long term partner normally about 200 miles away, although this week she is staying with my brother just down the road.

I have tried for the last 30 years to encourage her to have a hobby but she is not interested. She moved to a remote area with her partner when she retired from work and as she never learned to drive she is dependent on him to take her shopping etc. They both keep themselves to them selves and she hasnt made any friends where she lives despite being there over 20 years. A couple of weeks ago I tried to explain that sometimes I need a bit of space and that I sometimes like to turn my phone off and just be on own but it just caused her to get huffy and her partner to my have a row on me about "what if its an emergency".8

It feels like emotional blackmail because it is emotional blackmail OP.

It sounds like you are doing a brilliant job here actually. You have learnt to tell her little so she cannot suck the fun out of your life and decisions and you are taking time out to look after your own emotional needs.

What you need to do now is just accept that she will get "huffy" and have an "episode" when you go AWOL. You can turn it into a sort of game in your head, or with your siblings. Don't feel guilty.

There is something called the "Powerful Victim" where a person controls those around them by always being at the mercy of the world/illness but only when used as a tool of manipulation

My nan and mum are like this. Weird and annoying.

What if it's an emergency? Then they call the local emergency services, surely, not a daughter who lives 200 miles away

I think she is lonely and she is sad - but she won't/can't seem able to do anything about it.

My brother has just texted me now saying that she still feels unwell. I feel that this happens every time she comes to stay - she is ill or has an accident and we end up fussing around. Last time we spent hours in a&e in the middle of the night, the time before that she didn't bring her tablets and there was a day spent trying to get what she needed from the chemist.

I feel annoyed, guilty at being annoyed, guilty because I am conscious that I am leaving my brother to cope on his own.... Both my brother and I have panic attacks. I've never told my mum or my brother that I have them - my mother would just go on about how worried she is about me and how the worry is making her ill and unable to sleep. They see me as "the rock", big strong, sensible sister and daughter. I'm tired of being a rock and I don't feel very strong. Im tired. i have holiday from work and so far all of it seems to have been taken up by other people's needs. Today I had planned a nice morning catching up on some paperwork, then I was going to see my mum at my brothers and maybe go and look round the shops for a bit and have lunch, then come home and spend the evening finishing a book I've been reading. Instead I'll be worrying about my mum and brother, trying to sort out a doctor, being questioned on why I had the need to disappear off on my own for a afternoon and evening.

Mil is like this, it's so draining. The passive aggressive disapproval that they broadcast makes you feel rubbish. I have no advice at all.

Your mother is emotionally abusive and uses fake illness as a control mechanism to get back at both you and your siblings. she has likely done this her whole life as well and she will not change.

You need to urgently raise your own boundaries with regards to your mother because they are far too low currently. I would suggest you consider going low contact or even no contact with her. It is NOT your fault she is like this, she has made a conscious choice to be so. You would not tolerate any of this either from a friend, your mother is truly no different.

she has also never apologised nor accepted any real responsibility for her actions has she?.

Look also as the Well we took you to Stately Homes thread on these pages.

I feel really bad now because my brother has had to take a day off work and is running around having to register her with a doctor, and I'm just here at home doing nothing. I feel like this is punishment for me going AWOL yesterday. I think I must be such a selfish cow - I hate myself.

Your mother is an attention-seeker, and does not care how her behaviour is affecting you. All she cares is about is obtaining the attention she craves.

I found this comment in your OP very perceptive: " It's as if she doesn't understand that I have different interests, opinions, likes and dislikes to her."

You are not a person in your own right, to her. She does not accept that you have your own life and your own space to be respected. For her, you are there to serve a need, to fill an emotional void she has. Except, that no amount of attention you give her will actually fill that void.

I think you are getting there, but you really need to learn to detach. Your afternoon of shutting off the phone and doing something for yourself is exactly what you should do more of. And I don't think you should change your plans on your holiday to chase around for doctors for her and explain yourself. Stick to your plan, and only visit her for an hour or two. You do not need to jump every time she cries wolf: doing that just teaches her to keep on doing it, since it gets a result.

So it's not that you have to see or do anything for her all that time? It's just she would like you to phone her a couple of times a week? I really don't see why that's unreasonable. Come on she is your mum. At 80 she may well be ill a lot!

I think I must be such a selfish cow - I hate myself.

^This, and your panic attacks, are a direct result of your upbringing by a woman who needs to draw all attention to herself, all the time. In my view. You are not a selfish cow quite the opposite and it is a real shame that you feel self-hatred.

Would you consider therapy, to talk your feelings through with a professional?

It's my brother I am feeling sorry for now, and it's him I want to support. I can't help thinking that this is also related to him going out yesterday as well - he has a regular commitment to play in a band on Sunday afternoons so he would have gone out and left mum alone. Again this band is something that she doesn't approve of - she thinks its juvenile.

Support yourself before you support your brother, your mother, or anyone else. If it helps, think of it like those airplane security warnings: only when your own oxygen mask is on can you think of helping anyone else.

Look to your own needs first. It's not selfish, it's responsible: you are the only person responsible for yourself, so you've got to attend to that duty. You are not responsible for your mother: she is. You can care about her and give her the time and attention that you have available to give her. But she is not dependent on you, and you must not let her claim that position.

I do call my mum a couple of times a week and I visit regularly - when I'm on holiday from work and at weekends. I worry about her a lot. But it does get very wearing - I feel like I can't be honest about me and my life and my life without causing upset. It's not like I do anything bad - for example I recently changed my job and now work much more with people on the autistic spectrum. I love my job - it's skilled, specialised and gives me a great deal of satisfaction. When I told my mum her reaction has been - "what do you want to work with these difficult people for? I'm so worried about you in this job I've been lying awake at night" I feel that I can't tell her if I have a difficult day at work - and we all have those - because it will be more of the same "why do you do that job, I told you I was worried about you, I knew that job would make you ill" The easiest thing is not to say anything about my life and my thoughts and feelings. I know i should just be glad that someone cares about me and loves me - like I said maybe I'm just an ungrateful cow.

I know i should just be glad that someone cares about me and loves me

Hmm, it seems to me she's thinking more about herself than you and your siblings, Dancing. Have you ever called her up on her behaviour? If you say something like "Come on now, don't be silly" when she says she lies awake worrying about you, how do you think that would go down?

I can understand your reactions, but your whole life seems to be ruled by your mother's behaviour. That's not very fair, is it? She's not going to change as long as she keep getting away with it.

I think my last post probably came across as whiney and mean to my mum. I didn't mean to be - what I was really trying to say is that I am a 50 year old adult who makes choices about her life. I like it when people are interested in me and my life. What I find difficult is when the questions and the tone of voice they are using make me feel my life choices aren't approved of and are under attack - either directly in a "what did you want to go and do that for" kind of way or indirectly because my choice has in someway caused so much upset that I have made someone ill or given them sleepless nights. It's not like the things I do are so out of the ordinary - I have a career, a DP who is a good man, I go to the ballet, am politically active, I don't drink or smoke or take drugs. Sometimes though I need some space - an afternoon alone in the park, lunch by myself and a book in a nice cafe.

Sometimes no matter how hard you try you can not please some people, and is think your mother is one. Attila is right, you need to raise your boundaries on what you believe is acceptable behaviour. Your mother has had opportunity to make a life for herself but she CHOOSES not to, you are not responsible for her choices. You also do not need to justify what choices you have made - it is your life! Do not feel guilty for wanting/needing to do your own thing. Because she is your mum you have emotion thrown into the mix (unlike if you were dealing with a work colleague), have you thought about counselling or maybe even assertiveness training - focusing on dealing with family?

Why do I get a picture of an older woman shaking her head reproachfully, saying "I gave you life - the very least you can do is call me..."

Your mum - in the nicest possible way - needs to get a life. She feeds off what you and your siblings give her. If she feels neglected by one of you she resorts to a childish "Look how much I need you!" tactic.

Please don't fall for the "You're selfish to lead your own life" trick. It can't be that your mother is so vulnerable and defenceless look at how she has you all jumping through hoops. God forbid she ever gets genuinely ill. Agree between the three of you a strategy if you want. United you stand... It's up to you, your sister and your brother to stand up to her.