has anyone ever left a dh/dp because they felt they made them unhappy?

[LEMmingaround]

I know that I should do this. I have totally fucked up. I don't work and this has put sooo much strain on my dp. The last teo jobs I couldn't cope and left due to stress.i am totally demotivated. Hardly want sex and have let myself go.

Dp is unhappy we have no money at a time ehen we should but we have a crippling mortgage and debts. All down to me having pnd when dd was born. But that was 9 years ago.

I have no chance of getting a job. I am fat. Have bad teeth and generally am a nothing.

I feel that I wsnt to give dp a chance to meet someone else and be happy but I don't know how to start. My lovely dd adores us both but I know thst if I posted thst dp was the wsy I am you would say yo leave as you cant stay in a relationship for the children.

I feel like I am a poison in his life. I know he deep fown doesn't love me anymore but I don't even have the strength to let him go. I would kill mysrlf but can't because of dd.

Has anyone else left for this reason and it worked out ok in the end?

LEM you don't need to leave your dp, you need to work on yourself.

Are you under a gp for depression?

Are you eating well and exercising?

I'm sure he does love you, but he's unhappy because you're unhappy.

Im on medication for anxiety and have been for two years. He is so distant. Ive tried counselling everything. I feel like I need to let him move on. I wont get better so I'm better on my own. He is 50 so time not on his side. He deserves to be happy. We had so many dreams.

I have sucked the life out of him.

What does he say when you say this to him?

I'm similar in that my confidence is on the floor atm and I just don't feel able to go after jobs I'd like, my youngest is only just 3 so I'm going to start with a very part time non public facing role, this is the plan anyway, but I totally get how you feel in that respect.

You're not responsible for his happiness though, has he said how he feels about it?

Please don't give up, maybe you need a review of your meds?

Hi OP. I don't think you should leave your DP. I think that you are feeling so low and lacking in self esteem that you think you are not worthy of him. However, I'll bet that he just feels tired, sad and helpless in that he he can't seem to help you. I think you need to go back to your GP and revise your medication. I also think you should be referred to a CPN (clinical psychiatric nurse) for some support. You would benefit from cognitive behaviour therapy for your anxieties.
Also you say you are overweight and your teeth are bad. Make an appointment asap with a dentist. Let this be the first step in the 'new you'. Set yourself little goals. Once you have done that, then think about your diet and some gentle exercise. But remember small steps. Take your time and build up your confidence. Talk to your DP. Rekindle your love...organise a date night, watch a movie together, cuddle on the sofa.
You had dreams together. Don't give up on them. You ow it to yourselves and your Dd. X

Thank you so much. Fuck what a self pitying thread! Ive tried cbt and it really didn't work for me. As for a cpn I have tried but all im offered from the gp is drugs and counselling. What more can they do?

No dentist. I am too scared and can't afford it anyway. So will stick my head in the sand on that one.

The rest I can try. I actually get a fair bit of exercise but could eat alot better.

I will start a new thread re the work situation because its complicated. I WANT to get a job now but ive been so long out of work and my last two jobs fucked up. The last resulting in a breakdown that two years later I still haven't recovered from. I want to be positive but im scared and feel unemployable. Im highly qualified but have no work experience and have no clue what to do. Im happiest doing labouring for dp. He is a builder and if theres a wall to come down or rubble to be shifted im happy as a pig in shit. Trouble is working for dp doesn't bring in any tangible money. It saves us on paying a labourer but he doesn't always need a donkey so its sporadic. Also I want something that is mine that contributes financially. I just don't know where to start.

Don't underestimate the dentists experience with phobia for a start. It will really boost your confidence so much if you could manage to get your dental needs sorted.

Re your career, what industry are you qualifications in? It's literally never to late to start over.

Also do you know that meds can make you feel motivation less, they can sort of make you feel comfortable in doing very little even though you know you should be doing more iyswim. Also I wonder if they have contributed to your weight gain? Unfortunately IME weight gain and complacency was a effect of the meds. I am not saying come off them but you need to have a look at how they are affecting you on the whole.

Lemming you need to address at least one of these problems you absolutely have to. Its all a cycle. Each 'problem' is feeding another. I wish I could draw a chart or something bad teeth - poor body image - lack of libido etc etc.
I hope I am not generalising I am just going on your op.
we all have times in our life where we hit rock bottom but the thing that upsets people is 'how can I help 'x' when x won't help him/ herself.

Morning LEM, you sound much more proactive and positive this morning.

Not self pitying at all by the way, although if this mind set continues,I really would consider talking your medication through with your doctor.

Its mostly the job thing. I want to contribute to take the pressure off dp and also have some spare cash. He bought me some shoes this weekend. It has made me feel awful. I am phd qualified but been to long out of my field (science) I dont know where to start. I applied for so many jobs and it got me down. The thought of starting that futile cycle again fills me with terror. My self esteem is already at rock bottom so the thought of bashing myself when im down means im terrified to even start looking. I have done some dog walking for a friend. She paid me below minimum wage (she is unwell I didn't want any money) but it felt good to have a little bit of money that I didnt have to ask for.

I totally get that. Ok so what about signing up to an agency? You can do it online? Then they take it from there, and you don't have the hideous interview/ phone calling over and over?

You would feel so much better if you were working, as would I! I'm doing a cv this afternoon urgh!

I don't even know where to start for my cv I have been out of work for such a long time. My last job went horribly wrong and no ref when I tried to sign on with agency.

Just leave that one out, what about the last job that was ok for a ref? You can fill in the big gap by explaining you've been helping your husband in his business?

I did some voluntary work at the local prison, they will give me a ref, that could be an option?

My other ref is made up though my work record was shocking, and that was before I had kids and seven years off!

You say you really enjoy labouring, have you thought about retraining in something more hands on? Plumbing or electrician or a decorator?

Or even just following up the dog walking thing? If you don't feel confident enough to set up on your own, see if there is anywhere local that needs extra walkers?

It sounds like the work you have done previously is stressing you out too much to contemplate. I think for now you just need to do something that will get you out the house and boost your confidence.

I am trying to get back to work after 4 years and it has been such a massive attack on my self esteem, and I don't have the anxiety issues you describe. It is incredibly tough and hard to understand to people who have not been there.

Be kind to yourself, don't push your DH away.

Feel for you, OP but don't drive Dh away, sounds like he wants to stay. You are not a mindreader and cant decide for him that he leaves.

You had pnd 9 years ago because you BOTH had a baby and as the woman you suffered the direct wffects. That is NOT your fault or a failing. You are human, not perfect but not awful either!

Personally dont rate cbt but others do. There are other, mych better therapies in my opnion which go deeper. Cd ask gp for referral? Dentist- baby steps, book for a check up and ask what improvements tgey suggest. May be possible on nhs.
Re work, cd you sogn up for pt voluntary eork for e perirnce/reference/confidence, say hrlping in local charity shop?

Please list the things you are proud of. I had to do this and realised I was pretty damn special.
You have already said you have a lovely daughter. You are a grafter and you have a PhD. Wow. That is such an incredible thing to achieve.
Just take things step by step. A part time job or volunteer work might be a good start. If your weight or your teeth are holding you back you need to focus on that first.
Talk to your husband and explain you want to take control and you might be surprised at how he will help you.

Just see you have a phd, wow! Home tutoring, online tutoring? Worth a thought

I have s masters and s few years out and that confuses employers, i think as on the one hand, great, on the other, not so much. Maybe you present the same, only more so? Employers hate risks so you need to reassure. Any decent work experience w a reference wd reassure. Cd you just commit to 3-6 months voluntary work snd ditch any paid work applications for now? Say give yourself till xmas/easter to find your feet, get a reference and relaunch?

What about cleaning? I started to do this a few years ago. Working for myself. Even if you only started with 2 hours per week thats still 20 per week? I've actually built a business out of it. You mentioned your husband is a builder. Can you look into post build cleans?
Advantages are no boss, no colleagues (sometimes a disadvantage) above minimum wage and keeps you fit!
Don't worry if not an option for you. You just sound so unhappy I am trying to think of ideas for you

You are all being so kind. Ive thought about dog walking and cleaning. Id happily do both but im not sue about cleaning. It sounds awful but id feel I would be cleaning in poeples houses who have the life I eanted. Which is pathetic. I used to be a vet nurse so feel I have experience to offer dog owners. I wouldnt mind post build cleans or holiday lets etc. Just would find domestic cleaning daunting. The job that broke me was teaching at fe college. I know deep down it was them not me.no training. No support. Colleague told me I cared too much

Private tuition might be an earner. I've done that in the past and you can make good money.
Child minding? Would be an opportunity to get out and socialise too.
Volunteering as a parent helper at your child's school? This will allow for you to get a reference.

How about developing a business looking after people's second homes in their absence? You would be working for yourself so no pressure to take on more clients than you can handle.

Bondoir it is second home heaven around here. Could be worth looking into.

Thjng is. I have this impressive list of things ive done.

Published scientific paper
Presented at international conference on neurobiology.
Been vet nurse albeit unqualified had equal responsibility.

Deal with all building regulations for dp -trust me. There are many!
Tax return and invoicing etc for dp.
Developed genetic screen for tarantulas (outs self)
Secretary of pfa.

but amsat here in tears because I can't fit everything in dishwasher and it is all confused.

It all counts for nothing. I wrote my phd after was born. Brwast feeding and typing is multi tasking in the extreme. But I now cant load the dishwasher.

Put less in the dishwasher . Try not to be so hard on yourself - take baby steps.

It sounds to me that, although you did a PhD, you are not really enamoured of the cerebral lifestyle. That's OK! I did an MBA but I'm not enamoured of the corporate lifestyle! That's OK too.

I know how you feel about the peoples homes bit...There is an exclusive street not far from me and I used to say this is where I want to end up.. and I did indeed end up there... putting the bins out
But I mainly specialise in post builds and void properties now its ££££ better.
The pet care is an excellent idea. People seem to be using kennels less and less. Its a growing market..
hope these posts have given some positivity to your day
You have GOT to start helping yourself though. but you don't have to do it all at once. Baby steps.
I think you posting here has been your first baby step. .