Help for my friend - affair, DH won't leave, dragging kids into it

[Sabellassweatyforehead]

I have given all mumsnet advice to my friend after she realised her DH had been having an affair for 6 months. She suspects him, previous to this as having many one night stands and of using adult work to hire escorts etc.

She found out by snooping on his phone.

So far all mumsnet advice has been extremely helpful. Not filling in silences, letting him talk. However he is making out that her snooping is far worse than what he has really done and that she is "crazy" and he is going to get her locked up.

Obviously he has been MINIMIZING everything. About the ONS "it was just kissing random women in clubs when I was drunk." About the affair: "nothing physical has happened and she (the OW) is obsessed with me/stalking me."

My friend doesn't believe it and has asked him to leave. He has said absolutely no way, it is his house (my friend is not on the title deeds) and he will not leave the house. They have two DC's. He is accusing her of being a terrible
Mother telling him to leave and when she says that she will leave, he tells her (and the DC's) that she is abandoning them.

Today she tried to take the DCs with her and he physically pulled them back as she was trying to leave saying "your mother is trying to steal you."

He is saying what he has done is not that bad and he will not do it again so she just needs to calm down. She is furious and incredibly upset by what has happened and what he tells the DCs and displays to them every time she requests that one of them (her or DP) leaves.

What the hell is she supposed to do? She has been a SAHM for 7 years. He is a very high earner (£500k per year) owns his own company and several houses (based offshore - so not in england) He holds all the cards and she does not jointly own the house with him.

What are the options?

She needs to see a solicitor asap

If they're married she's entitled to half the house; it doesn't matter who is on the deeds.

She needs to hold her ground in the house and see a solicitor straight away. The quicker she can get divorced for adultery/unreasonable behaviour, the quicker he will have to leave the house.

She needs to not be afraid. As his spouse she will be entitled to half of his UK assets, including the family home. Her name not being on the deeds is irrelevant: she is his wife and the family home is an asset of their marriage. In some circumstances she would be able to stay in the marital home and it not be sold until the youngest is no longer a dependent.

I would advise her not to leave the marital home if at all possible. Once she has left he could think he's free to dispose of it, and get the proceeds abroad and possibly out of her reach.

He is minimising his behaviour and deflecting. This is all part of "The Script".

She needs to sit tight and get legal advice asap.

Solicitor and ask about an occupation order. If you google it then the .gov.uk website explains it. You should be able to see if her circumstances fit the criteria.

At the point where he 'physically pulled her back' and barred her way she could have called the police. That is an act of aggression. Agree with others that a solicitor is the normal next step but, if he is getting aggressive and feels backed into a corner then anything could happen. She has to keep personal safety uppermost. Womens Aid might be useful and she could also consider the police non-emergency number 101. The usual recommendation is not to leave the family home but that's when the other party is being reasonable.

Legal advice, obviously.

And what a fab friend you are too - she is very lucky to have you. He on the other hand sounds utter hell and she will be well shot of him.

Thanks very much for your help. I'm going to tell her to stay put and see a solicitor TODAY.

Obviously she hates living with him after this and every day that she sticks around he sees as her "complying" more to his version of things.

Cogito you are right, he is being pushed to the edge, she is not letting him get away with anything, so he is resorting to almost preventing them from leaving, but it's not "physical yet." He has also told her that there is a French expression which means that "whoever is absent is to blame." He says that he will be dead before he leaves the house and/or kids.

So she is even frightened to go out or groceries at the moment for fear that she will not be let back in.

Be wary of internet advice, whilst correct in some cases, if the DH in this instance has his own company, the house may be listed as a company asset. He may not be listed as a director of his own company, not if it's a 'brass plate' registered overseas in a tax haven, he won't be.

He is a very high earner (£500k per year) owns his own company and several houses (based offshore - so not in england) He holds all the cards and she does not jointly own the house with him.

And he doesn't have to leave his own property either, not unless there is a court order to do so. And my guess is this house is indeed an asset of an offshore company.

As his spouse she will be entitled to half of his UK assets, including the family home. Her name not being on the deeds is irrelevant: she is his wife and the family home is an asset of their marriage.

At present she isnt on the deeds so there is no automatic ownership for her at all, it would have to be given through the court - plus whilst the starting point of marital ownership is generally 50/50 - 50% of something mortgaged may not be very much at all. This house is lookin like an offshore company asset.

If he is company director, 500K most certainly will not be reflected as a salary, he will have a good accountant to hide that sort of money. I dont know anyone on that sort of money who actually gets a salary and pays tax. Remember, company money is not personal money. And its an offshore company - has he got offshore accounts to hide his wealth?

Lastly, they are married? Joint parental responsibility. Neither can stop the other doing anything (within reason) in his shoes I might just be telling people she is unhinged and accuse of kidnap. Tread warily because he has the money and the power to make this a rocky road for her.

There are all sorts of coercive blackmail that can be used. Stopping the school fees, stopping her credit cards. Remember benefits take time to come through, she needs money behind her.

She needs a solicitor. She needs access to his finances, which I doubt he leaves at home.

I'd be planing this one rather than knee-jerk reactions because he is holding all the cards.

FrankSaysNo - thank you. This is what I suspected and worried would be the case. I have a feeling, though, that this house has not been bought through his company because he recently fell out with his business partner and told my friend he worried that his biz partner would claim on the house if it was registered as a company asset. So she might be in with a shot at staying there.

The other property he owns I investigated and he owns it all through a holding company with nominee shareholders. So sneaky.

She would have to prove what he is doing with regard to company assets is a deliberate attempt to defraud the tax man rather than exploiting a legit loop hole.

Your friend needs a solicitor with a forensic accountant that is really important. It needs to be a solicitor used to dealing with people of high net worth and unravelling complex financial arrangements.

Is his main company based offshore as well as the properties and their holding company? Your OP could be interpreted either way.

What money access does she have - does she have her own account, her own savings? Does she have family she can turn to who will help her? I agree she needs to plan carefully for this one - lie low for a bit and collect "evidence" in terms of bank statements, evidence of assets etc. - see a solicitor without him knowing about it and squirrel away as much money as she can without raising suspicion.

Thanks so much for your help. This is what she thinks is te case:

He has two properties in the UK bought in his name and not the company's name, both of which have a mortgage.

He has a company through which makes the profit of £500k (obviously not salaried to himself.) It has a minority business partner, who he has just fallen out with. This country is registered in the BVI.

He has a holding company registered in Panama containing a portfolio of other properties. The holding company is under the name of nominee shareholders. She said he receives rental from those properties but she doesn't know how.

She has a credit card in his name to pay for things for her and the kids.

I'm assuming he doesn't pay tax on the rent?
That she has a shot at 50% of one of his UK properties?

This is too complicated for advice here - she needs to see a Good solicitor and probably a forensic accountant.

Yep, I thought so. Thank you for all your help.

In a different life I did forensic accounting, before the term was coined. I wouldnt like to try and unravel that lot. Getting access to anything very much depends on the laws governing money laundering - which were tightened up in the late 90's (not implying he is laundering anything, but this is primarily the law which governs movement of money round the world) and they have been subsequently tightened several times since.

It would depend on reciprocal agreements between countries. What he has is known as 'brass plate' companies. They are registered eg BVI with a registered address. In reality it is a little man for a small salary, checking the post box and lending his name. Closer to home it is called "The Sark Lark" as Sark, one of the Channel Islands had very lax regulations. It was a way for people to make an income. Become a pseudo director of 20 companies at £1,000 a pop and all you do is put your signature on a piece of paper giving the real owner control

All of which has sod all to do with the situation but it helps you understand what you are dealing with.

What financial independence does the wife have? Does she have any savings or assets of her own that she needs to get out of his clutches? Childrens bank accounts - he will be using the children to legitimately maximise tax allowances.

If she has no money of her own, and he has the credit card, she might find her funding disappears if she suddenly starts paying solicitors bills.

I would seriously plan this one. Carefully, coldly an calculatingly.

He sounds an utter bastard! You sound like a good friend to her, she is going to need you!

Can you suggest to her that she joins mn? She may need help for all sorts of things to do with this issue.

I would talk to her about leaving a paper trail, so she could go to her gp and get things down on paper, womans aid if he gets abusive, police if he becomes scarily so (police reference no for a file can be used in divorce proceedings as can go letters and womans aid reference). Tell he to keep everything in email format as this can be used as legal documents. So if she can communicate to him via email (even though he is still living in the house)it would hold more ground than verbal communication. I would state examples of manipulation towards the children as courts look down on this kind of abuse. So when he has been like that with the children she can send him an email outlining what he has done to him, he replies, bingo legal document with his words in it.

Your friend may benefit from counselling, she can access this via gp, another string to her bow with regards to a) paper trail and b) help and support.

She should inform the kids school via email and when school opens face to face with the head and their teachers. Same goes for any children at nursery. The children may also benefit from counselling (play therapy for younger ones), again gp or I would suggest via the school.

Agree with the others that forensic solicitor would be a good idea.

I hope that your friend stays strong, this man is going to be a complete shit, remind her to disclose nothing to him leave that to the solicitor, he will do all he can to keep her low and will crush her if he can, he is now her enemy.

Good luck to your friend.

Ps she would do well to get her hands on as much money (for her and dc to live on) as she can, he is likely to hide what he sees as his assets, she can also register an interest in the house.

Are they married, can't work it out from your posts?

Because you say DH and DP

Hello - thank you for your continuing help.

Sorry, yes they are married, but they married abroad and registered the marriage in England afterwards. She is unsure whether this means they can divorce in England.

Thank you theoldhag you are so right re:money

So the plan now is to be calm, go back to the status quo for a bit, make him think everything might go back to normal, gather as much money as possible, and prepare a case.

She should find a really good lawyer very soon, he/she will help her prepare what she needs and find a way through this.
Good luck to your friend, sounds awful.