Anybody else struggle to be attracted to the men that are attracted to them?

[FeelShallowButconfused]

Just that question. Obviously there is a reason I ask.

I am not unattractive but not a traffic stopper either. I'm in my 40s but well-preserved and healthy. I want or need a break from being single (even a temporary break, maybe particularly a temporary break?!) but the line of candidates that has wanted a relationship with me over the last few years, well, some have been ok, but it has not been the most physically attractive bunch. Now, I wonder if I've waded out too far to sea with a man that I get on very well with. He's very like me I think. I am wondering would it be self-destructive to keep him at arm's length because I'm waiting for somebody conventionally physically attractive (with his personality attributes) to even want a relationship with me. That might never happen. I know I sound shallow but I'm not. I'm very nice actually. What questions should I ask myself to try and make it clearer in my head.

Well its not really a fair thing to do to him.

So you think, even just to try it for a few weeks would be a bad thing? There is a chance it might make me really happy. I just don't know. I don't think he's that fragile that he would be devastated if I said actually no. I think he'd be really surprised though.

I think in your 40s you kinda have to take what comes your way. Everyone starts to look a bit mankier by then, is there no way you could feel physically attracted to this guy?

It would be a shame to hold out for Mr Darcy and end up with nothing.

I don't think you can force yourself to be attracted to someone, but attraction can grow on you over time.

What does "conventionally attractive" mean among 40somethings?

He might not be devastated but he might start going out with someone else. 40something men tend have more options than 40something women...

Yes - whereas the men I'm attracted to appear not to notice me at all, as a general rule.

I'm in my 40s, and I'm not just going to take what comes my way. It's okay to have standards, and it's okay to be single. That doesn't mean I expect perfection - far from it; grey hairs and not fully toned make them seem more normal than a perfect gym body. But I still feel we need to have something in common to talk about, and when the conversation is clearly on totally different planes, then tough. I'm not going with them just because I have to take what comes.

It depends how 'unattracted' to him you are. If the thought of having sex with him makes you sick up in your mouth do not try to start a relationshp with him. It's unkind and unfair to both of you.
If you just think, not so bad but not a traffic-stopper either, then it's fine to date him for a while and see what happens. Dating is all about seeing if you like the other person enough to carry on doing it. And dating carries no obligations at all other than courtesty. Going on a date does not mean you have to have sex, or even kiss the other person, if you don't like the idea. One date does not commit you to another.

Being single is, after all, a perfectly valid option. Refusing to date anyone because you are a middle-aged clapped out Skoda still holding out for the Ferrari of your dreams is a bit silly. Even though it's something that some men do and consider it OK to do, young beautiful women rarely have any interest in dating elderly men unless those men are very charismatic, powerful and rich.

Twinklestein, i know. It is alk very well to say hold out for somebody that makes you go weak at the knees but it has been 15 + years since somebody that handsome wanted me. Meanwhile i feel a real connection to somebody, who in my 20s & 30s would have been friendzoned despite understanding me better and being a friend.

Thanks sgb. It definitely doesnt make me get sick! I would rather have sex with him than introduce him to my goodlooking friends and family though. Analyse that. Be as truthful as you like.
Ive been happy being single. But it has gone on for a long time now.

I'm not recommending not having high standards and being choosy, it would be hypocritical.mHowever as everyone gets older their looks are not what they were and looks start to matter less, no?

The OP has said she gets on 'very well' with this guy so there doesn't seem to be compromising on that front.

Well don't we all keep a new relationship at arms length at first and you might surprise yourself. But just doing it for something to do until something better comes along isn't really fair.

Oh dear xpost and typos!

Ebearhug, this guy has a lot in common with me. We can talk easily. If he were a woman, id want him to ne my friend. Sometimes that weird sex changes helps me. I dated somebody two years ago and he was a silver fox and charmed the birds out of the trees but i fel a bit bored in his company and he didnt get me. So i asked myself if he were a woman would i want him as my friend and the answer was no. That was two years ago. Nobody since then.

I'm 43, I'm surrounded by 40somethings...

Am i that middle aged prat that feels the ought to have a ferrari?! Maybe .

Op hold out for someone who has both

I dated someone recently that had a perfect body, very handsome and I did on with. However, I am not a perfect 10 and felt really self conscious. And I'm not self conscious at all ordinarily. It just didn't work, although I have lovely memories of him his body

So I'm now dating someone who turns me on And I get on with. You have to have both IMO

Seems that you are more concerned about what your 'goodlooking' friends and family will think. Who care what anyone thinks? Do you want to keep him a secret?

If this man is good fun and you enjoy being in his company then give it a go. Sometimes a slow burner is more satisfying in the long run and, as we get older, is actually more realistic I think.

I think i would prefr to call him a friend in public. My sister is better looking than i am. I went out with a guy once and she kep putting words in my mouth "well you're obviously not attracted to him". I felt foolish. Better looking men have been interested in her though.

OK, it's starting to sound as though you are a bit too hung up on physical appearance. While it's not compulsory to date, and fine to stay single if you can't get turned on by the idea of sex/dating with anyone who isn't flawless, I wonder if you might find a bit of counselling useful. Because what you are saying about your family/friends sneering at both you and your date if your date is less than perfect suggests, you know, a few issues around self-esteem and confidence and stuff that might be making you miserable.

In a general way, if you like the man and he likes you, no harm in going on a couple of dates to see what happens. However, if you're going to be ashamed of him to the extent that you'd rather pretend you're not dating him if you meet friends/family then don't date him. Because that's actually a really horrible way to treat another person - date them but make it obvious they're not really good enough for you to be seen in public with.

Why not go with the flow, see what develops and if when it comes to it you really don't fancy him, that's fair enough.

I'm not sure what to make of the 'good looking friends and family' comments. Either you're a bit insecure about looks or you have some very shallow people around you. You shouldn't let either get in the way of a relationship that might make you happy.

I have found that once there is a meeting of minds, my perception of the other person can change to physical attraction.

Sexual attraction has nothing to do with looking " perfect" though does it? And people in their forties can still look conventionally attractive. Ageist and sexist comments on here IMO.
If you don't fancy him then don't go there.

My ex OM wouldn't be classed as conventionally good looking. But the sexual chemistry between us and the way we were drawn to each other was amazing..... it was almost like a pull towards each other. Its about so much more than looks.