Anybody else struggle to be attracted to the men that are attracted to them?

[FeelShallowButconfused]

Just that question. Obviously there is a reason I ask.

As others have pointed out, it depends... if you get on well, have a lot in common and there's a certain amount of basic chemistry it would be silly to hold out for someone more "conventionally" attractive just for the sake of it -- and this is nothing to do with being in your 40s its the same in your 20s. Someone who is conventionally goregous might not turn you on either/might turn out to be a world class twat/might bore the pants off you. Chemistry and being good looking are not necessarily the same thing and if you don't know that at your age you should be trying to figure it out as a matter of urgency...

If the thought of being physically involved with someone makes you feel nauseous its never going to go anywhere. But if he's someone who is not drop dead gorgeous but who is kind and who you get on with the chemistry may well develop.

I know SGB, it is horrible. I got together with my x (who turned out to be horrible) because he looked right, and I felt it was expected of me at that age. I stayed with him long after I'd realised he was horrible because I prioritised appearing happy over being happy. I've had psychotherapy and it was great. One of the reasons I like this guy is that he's the sort of person who could discuss your personal 'development' with and he'd get it without thinking, omg, so L.A.

Twinkestein, I think a large part of my identity is now wrapped up in being single. I would find it hard to go public with anybody. And again, this guy would get that. He'd be able to talk about things like 'identity' without thinking whoah deep. I wouldn't say my sister is insecure. It's just that she doesn't seem to get that you can't pull good looking men out of a hat.

If there was no public there'd be no problem. I'm making myself sound even crazier here.

The not wanting to introduce him to friends and family is the measure of how you feel about him, isn't it? And it depends why. Are you embarrassed by his appearance or is it something else?

OP, is this about 'image' rather than 'looks'? Are you and your friends fashion conscious and he's not? Or is it physical attributes like height, hair, teeth...? There is a difference between image and looks.

To be honest, it sounds like you are living in your sister's shadow a bit, and judging potential partners by how you think she would judge them. Have you thought about why that might be?

I have a friend who is drop dead gorgeous, her h is not what you would call hot. At all. But he's lovely, we all love him and they are the happiest couple I know

Does she care he's not hot to anyone else? Nope. Not one bit. All that matters is he does it for her

Well, we're all fed this idea that 'good-looking' people (ie those who fit within a fairly narrow definition of attractive appearance) are special and superior, and that everyone should worry about whether or not they are good looking enough. This does no one any favours. Only a small percentage of people are really, unusually good-looking, and they are often either spoilt and arrogant or miserably insecure - if they are aware that the most valuable thing about them is their good looks, then they know these good looks will diminish in time - and then what will they have to offer? If someone is good-looking, comfortably off and successful too then s/he will be able to pick and choose more than most when it comes to dating. S/he might want to date someone poor and only passable to look at, but that person would either have to accept worshipping-slave status or have some massive advantage of his/her own.

Has your sister always been a cow obsessed with good looks, her own and any potential partner's? Are your parents as bad? Because the fact that you stayed with an abusive man because he was good looking and you are still worried about whether the man you are tempted to date is good looking enough to appease your family (rather than nice enough to date) suggests you haven't, quite, got your head sorted out yet.

Are you attracted to him though? We're hearing a lot about what your sister might think, but can you imagine yourself having sex with him. If you know him this well surely you know if there's any sexual chemistry?

I've turned down some great guys over the years, because I just didn't fancy them. A lot of them were friend-zoned. The shoe was often on the other foot too. I've been crazy about fellas who didn't know I was alive... Luckily me & my bloke both feel the same way at the same time! Long may it last...
Deffo know the difference between love & lust now that I'm older & (ahem) more experienced.

DavidTennant, there is something in that. It's not that she's a looks obsessed cow, it's that she'd be of the same view as a lot of posters, if you're not really hot for somebody don't bother, but the flaw there is that she kind of assumes that I can easily find what she finds easily.

SGB, you're right. I'd still find it uncomfortable to think they were giving each other looks behind my back, like, what does she see in that guy?

I think there is some chemistry! Not sure that there is enough. It's like I'm very conscious when we're together that he's a male friend not a female friend. And, well yes, just that.

I think I can't get it out of my head about the last time when she basically told me that she found the man I was dating really unattractive. I didn't think he was. I thought there was something about him. This guy is less attractive if you just see a photo, but his compatibility makes him much more important to me. I see him through my own eyes honestly but yes I also see him through the eyes of women (inc my sister) who definitely wouldn't give him a second glance.

That is quite fkcd up when I read it back.

Personally, I would get drunk and shag him and see what happens .

Why are you so bothered about what your sister thinks?. It's your life not hers. The contents are more important than the packaging. No two people will find the same person attractive. Looks fade, and then what will you have if all you are basing a relationship on is looks?

Do you not know anyone who is happy in a relationship with someone you don't find attractive? Do you really judge, even if they have been happy for decades?

What you have with this guy sounds like chemistry, perhaps he will be amazing in bed - that might shut your sister up.

I think attraction is important. However I also recognise that the men I find attractive are different to the men my female relations find attractive. I don't like sporty, traditionally good looking types, with fancy cars who are working their way up the slippery pole in the office. I'm sure some are lovely people but they have never done anything for me, nothing in common plus no physical attraction. Despite many people saying how gorgeous etc such men are. I know a few women who have married the traditional football/rugby/career types, they moan about sports/work taking over, no interest in kids, going out with the boys, no romantic gestures etc. This would bore me, so I never dated one.

Could it be that your sister gets the feeling you are embarrassed by your boyfriend or not holding hands etc and thinks you don't like him. However you are acting this way because you are worried by what your family will say!

Try not to look at him negatively, it's easy to find someone unattractive when you look for physical flaws and focus on them. Does he have nice eyes? A great smile? Focus on the good bits, remind yourself of these good bits.

Introduce them after speaking to them about this fantastic guy you know. You love the fact he is into x, y and z. You have been to x place recently and you enjoyed whatever about it. Don't mention how he looks, just tell them he is great and you are pleased you have met a guy who you have so much fun with.

Your sisters response when she meets him will tell you a lot. His looks shouldn't come up.

I once slept with a friend who was no looker - and cringed in advance at the thought of being seen together by acquaintances. BUT I knew that if the sex was as good as I was hoping it would be, that would more than compensate.

It wasn't.

Why would anyone - let alone a family member, or friend - tell someone that the person they were dating was 'really unattractive'...?

Answer:

A). They're either unusually socially inept.
B). They like to be hurtful and unkind, and take enjoyment from that.
C). They're deeply insecure and/or threatened and/or jealous.

Regardless of whether A, B or C - all of these things are about the person doing the judging and have absolutely nothing to do with you, or the man in question. They're your sister's issues, they make her look quite pitiable, and actually, I feel a bit sorry for her.

I think if you concentrate on what you find attractive, and whether you're on a similar wave length, you'll get on better. It sounds like you have a connection, so give it a couple of dates. Who cares what your sister or anyone else thinks?

There wasn't a family intervention to stop me going out with a man they didn't get, it wasn't that bad!

It was more that the way she talked easily, it was like it was so obvious to her that I couldn't be attracted to him that she said things like "well, when you're not physically attracted to a man it's harder to keep things going". I had never said that to her. I got the feeling it had been discussed. "what do you think she sees in him?". I'd said that the problem was that we didn't have enough to say to each other. I said that a few times.

My sister is five years younger, slimmer, prettier, better educated. She simply can't fathom not being able to attract men that are good company and handsome. I think that's what it is really. She's concerned for me, in her mind, she thinks that it's a low self esteem thing. I was in a relationship years ago with a very handsome man but he was a right bully. I would never go out with a man that wasn't nice to me now, so, I could be standing around waiting for a handsome man for a long time.

Remember in the 80s, the summer of 'Relax' there were t-shirts that said
'Who Gives a Fuck what Frankie Says'?

I feel like that about your sister.

If you were 14 and she were your intimidating older sister you wanted to impress I could sort of get it. But you're a grown woman.

You don't need your sister's approval for your bf. If you've found someone you connect with - & there aren't going to be that many guys you feel a connection with - who likes you, who's nice to you, who's a decent person, what your sister thinks is totally irrelevant.

My sister loves me, she wants me to be happy. She does not give a flying fuck what my husband looks like.

As you learnt, some good-looking men are arseholes. She might learn that herself one day...

Why have you put your sister on such a pedestal?

I appreciate your honesty. I will be honest back and say that I think you have some weird ideas and priorities and should not date anyone until you have sorted them out.

I agree with Egghead - you are stuck on this weird idea that any man you date has to be someone your sister would consider good-looking - and if you think your sister would regard him as good-looking then it doesn't matter if he's a con-artist, a moron or a violent misogynist.

Are you unusually beautiful? Or unusually ugly? You seem to have spent your life being taught that physical appearance is the only thing that matters, which is really unhealthy.

Thanks Twinklestein, your post really hits the right note there adn leaves me smiling. I don't think I have my sister on a pedestal. We have very similar tastes. Kitchens, books, perfume! but when it comes to men, I guess hers are more frequent and better looking! But as you say, good looking alone doesn't float my boat any more.

I don't have issues Egghead68! That last guy I was with two years ago, we communicated very well and were happy. No dramas. It just didn't work out. I think I'm just acknowledging something that isn't spoken about much. I do primarily see people in my life through my own eyes, but I'd have an awareness I can't shake of how they'd appear to other people too. eg, i know my sister isn't a judgemental cow! She has gone through life with the perspective of a beautiful woman and I have not.

I don't think it's that unusual to feel uncomfortable wondering whether friends and family will think 'we love this guy, he's good enough for you!' or not.

Thanks for all the comments.

"well, when you're not physically attracted to a man it's harder to keep things going". I had never said that to her

So shes also a bit of a gaslighter as well as shallow.

She sounds really unpleasant OP.

Also, I think you can admit to 'bad' thoughts here on mumsnet that you might not in RL, like wondering if someone's good looking enough for you.

The only question really worth answering here is... does he/could he give you the fanny gallops?