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Original poster

Marry with debt, or wait til debt free?

37 replies

PenelopePitstops · 02/08/2014 11:46

DP currently has approx £4k of debt. He has worked hard to reduce it from £8k in 2 years. He is a low earner and it will take another 2 for him to fully clear it. He is on 0% card etc and any spare money goes against it and a regular payment.

He is adamant we shouldn't be engaged or married until he has paid it off. I am not so bothered about it because he is paying it off slowly and has taken responsibility for it.

Background, been together 4 years. Live together in a flat I own. Biological clock ticking for me and issues conceiving.

OP posts:
Original poster
PenelopePitstops · 02/08/2014 11:47

Forgot to say, what should we do?

I'm not sure I could stand another 2 years of waiting.

OP posts:
IScreamForIceCream · 02/08/2014 11:48

WHat is the issue - not linking you with the debt, or not wanting to pay £££ for a wedding.

If the latter - couldn't you just have a no-frills registry office job?

LittleMissRayofHope · 02/08/2014 11:53

I agree with pp, we married in a registry office, cost around £100. No reception or big dress or anything. Took our witnesses out to lunch after and that was that. So with lunch maybe £150-200 ish.

Do you have to be married to have children? My first was born and was 9months old when we married. Only bothered me from a name POV.

Is he open to discussion on the subject? Just wondering if it's a stalling tactic as maybe he is scared of marriage or for some reason is resistant to it.
What does he say when you mention children?

Original poster
PenelopePitstops · 02/08/2014 11:55

He wants marriage and babies, so he says. His issue is not wanting to tie me to the debt as he feels it 'his responsibility'.

I'm not fussy about the wedding, small would do me fine. Just slightly bothered about the seemingly huge wait of 2 years.

OP posts:
butterflybuttons · 02/08/2014 12:07

the debt is still his responsibility whether you are married or not - if it is in his name it is nothing to do with you.

www.thisismoney.co.uk/money/cardsloans/article-1642666/Can-I-escape-from-my-wifes-debts.html

You sure he isn't using debt as an excuse to not marry?

amalut · 02/08/2014 12:10

How old are you both? Two years is a long time if your biological clock is ticking.

His debts needn't affect you just because you are married. I went bankrupt just after getting married and our home/DH's savings weren't affected at all as it was all in DH's name. You just need to do your research and keep finances separate.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 02/08/2014 12:11

There you go - the debt is not your responsibility and you're happy with a small wedding.

Tell him that and then there's no reason for him to stall any longer.

Original poster
PenelopePitstops · 02/08/2014 12:25

Fabulous news regarding debt.
Going to have a serious conversation with him later.
We are late 20s but I've had ongoing gynaecological issues since teenage years and docs have all said sooner rather than later re kids.

OP posts:
CherryEarrings · 02/08/2014 12:41

Is he paying his share with your living arrangements OP. You say that you own the flat.

Original poster
PenelopePitstops · 02/08/2014 12:44

Yes he pays 'rent' which covers all expenses so no worries there either.

OP posts:
Pinkfrocks · 02/08/2014 12:57

Do you think this debt is a red herring?

It sounds a bit odd to me.

Most youngish people have student debts. My own DCs- one late 20s, the other slightly younger- have huge student loans that are being paid off each month. One did a Masters and their debt is still over £10K. This tuition fees- not living costs - which are repaid and each of them have a few grand savings now.

I admit this is being debited directly each month so they have no excuse not to pay it. so that's not the same as someone who's got into debt through careless spending.

If you do marry - or even now if you are 'engaged' then you need to sit down and budget so that he pays his share of everything - and presumably once married he would be a joint owner of the flat?

Pinkfrocks · 02/08/2014 13:00

The other thing is- if and when you marry, the best advice from a financial point of view- is to clear the debt. I know it's 0% interest but having any outstanding loans may count against you if you want to borrow more for anything.
Why don't you clear the debt if you can, then he can pay more towards your joint outgoings?

OnIlkleyMoorBahTwat · 02/08/2014 13:07

If the debt is on 0% I would let it run it's course - not much advantage in paying it off early.

Will he still be able to pay it off in 2 years if you got pregnant now? How would maternity leave, baby expenses and possible childcare costs affect the household finances?

Original poster
PenelopePitstops · 02/08/2014 14:57

I'm the main earner so could cover most expenses with maternity pay and child benefit.

Childcare would be provided by grandparents or my wage would support it.

Just spoken to him, apparently he doesn't want a time limit on it (not yet engaged) as he wants it to be a surprise. He says he's not stringing me along.

OP posts:
Fairylea · 02/08/2014 15:03

He's already said he doesn't want to get engaged or married until the debt is paid off. So there's your answer. Albeit not the one you want.

It's impressive he's clearing the debt but how did it come about in the first place? £8k of unsecured debt is a lot in my opinion. I'd be a bit wary about marrying him until you understand a bit more about the history of it (I'm ultra cautious as ex dh left me with £26k of debt and just disappeared).

butterflybuttons · 02/08/2014 15:13

Please do not clear the debt for him.

magoria · 02/08/2014 15:21

Whether he wants a time limit or not you are entitled to make your own deadline to yourself that if he hasn't proposed in 6/12 months you will move on and find a man who does want these things now with you.

Especially as the longer you leave it the more problems you are going to have.

Pinkfrocks · 02/08/2014 17:11

But surely there is already a time limit because he will be paying off the debt regularly?
He must be able to work out how long it will take- no?

Sorry but this doesn't bode well in my eyes.

I agree with PP that you need to be wary of bailing him out - to an extent- if he's not actually named the day and shown real commitment. But on the other hand if you are a couple sharing a home there is a lot to be said for sitting down together with a calculator/ spreadsheet and doing the sums on your salaries etc.

Do you need the money he pays towards your mortgage? One idea- which some parents use with adult children living back home- is to save the rent and then use it to pay of the debt.(Parents sometimes give it back to their child as a deposit for a house or a rental.)

I'm a bit Hmm that although you appear to be a couple talking of marriage, it's still very much 'your money' and 'his money'.

How do you plan to join forces if you marry?

I too would like to know why he accrued the debt- silly spending or something worthwhile like study?

And how do you or him differentiate between someone with a loan of £4K for a car that's being paid off, and £4K that's a debt for something else?

He seems to be making some kind of moral stand by not marrying you while he has a debt- yet most couples have a huge debt- it;s called a 'mortgage'.

Is he paying penance in some way by withholding marriage until he's free of his debt? Sorry but sounds like an excuse to me.

Egghead68 · 02/08/2014 17:17

Have kids now and get married later?

Earlybird · 02/08/2014 17:26

It is good he is working hard to pay off the debt. Only you can judge if he has set the condition of being debt-free in order not to burden you, or whether it is a way to buy time / delay marriage.

How did he incur the debt?

venusandmars · 02/08/2014 17:57

I think it is admirable and right that he wants to clear the debt before adding to it by buying a ring, paying a share of the wedding, and taking on joint responsibility for a family. The first two are going to prolong the time for his debt to be repaid, and it is properly responsible to plan (together) for how you will afford the commitments of a family.

It is so easy to take a different approach and to feel pressurised into taking on more debt, and to accept living with a level of debt (which can easily get slightly bigger, and slightly bigger).

However, if you're in this together, then can you agree how over the next year he contributes less towards the household bills / rent (assuming that you can afford this), so that his debt is paid off more quickly.

And 0% interest deal are usually pretty short term. I imagine that before the end of the 2 years he will have to 're-finance'. He may well be able to get another 0% offer from another card supplier but there is usually a 3 or 4 % transfer fee - so not quite as free as it all sounds. And often once you start adding to that debt (which is what the credit card companies are hoping you will) the new debt is NOT interest free......

I understand the biological clock ticking, but the combination of young babies and debt can be truly awful.

Original poster
PenelopePitstops · 02/08/2014 18:40

We have sat down together, he is reluctant to let me 'pay' off any of the debt. He feels it is his responsibility that was built up mainly from 18yo ignorance of how cards worked and wanting to have a good time. He hadn't added to the debt for 2 years before we started dating but didn't actively do anything about it.
He sat me down one day and told me that he had a card bill and he didn't know what to do. We worked out then how much he would be able to pay. I could easily live without his payment so I think I will save it up and pay it off tehe debt to help.
It feels like a big mess with a limit that just seems too far away!

OP posts:
Fairylea · 02/08/2014 18:53

I think, considering he has been very motivated in paying it off and hasn't added to it for years now, the way forward with finances may be to pay into a joint account to service all the bills (proportionate to your salaries) and then whatever is left is split equally between you as spending money - from which he has to pay off the debt. I don't think you should be doing it for him or he should get out of contributing to family life or childcare because of his debt. If after doing this it means he cannot afford to repay based on this set up then I think you should take that as a warning that you cannot live together / plan a future together right now. Maybe that's what he meant?

Pinkfrocks · 02/08/2014 19:01

Is he a bit older than you?
You said debts added up over 18 years which would make him 36 at least- and you are late 20s?

Is there any chance at all that living with you and being able to pay a little rent means he is onto a cushy number?

Could he support himself on his own- renting?

If not, then I think I'd seriously re-assess.

He could be using you as a cheap form of accommodation while he pays off his debts with no intention of committing.

If he cannot support himself on his own earnings, how do you feel about being the main breadwinner in any marriage should it happen? Is this something you have talked over at all?

Original poster
PenelopePitstops · 02/08/2014 19:04

He's slightly older, 18yo was a reference to him being 18 when he accumulated the debt.

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