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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner has herpes

28 replies

Shippy28 · 02/08/2014 10:47

I have been with my partner for 10 years now and about a year or so into our relationship found out he had the genital herpes virus. (Was snooping and found hospital appointments). I was so angry and confronted him about it as I was in a sexual relationship with him. At the time we always used condoms but I still felt he should have told me. In the time I've been with him he's only had about 2 or 3 flare ups that I'm aware of and we abstained. Now my issue is he started having a problem with wearing a condom and wants oral sex but when I mention a condom for oral he's annoyed with it and says there's no point. We have a 4 yr old and expecting a second child but when we've had unprotected it's because I want to please him or we've both been carried away, not to forget trying for a child. Each time after unprotected I can't stop thinking about "what if I've now caught it". I know I may have it already but just lying dormant but the fact that I've not had symptoms yet, I'd like to think I'm negative. It's putting a strain on our sexual relationship as I'd like to just have sex too without having to worry about a condom or give him oral without worrying bout it. Things got steamy last nite and the minute I asked about a condom, we got into an argument and it ended there. And this man knows I'm having his baby! Is anyone else experiencing this. He says I can't catch it in between outbreaks but when I researched it says you can!! Highly frustrated by this selfish idiot right now. Sorry a bit long

OP posts:

JaneFonda · 02/08/2014 10:55

It must be tough to have herpes - but he obviously knows how horrible outbreaks can be, so why on Earth he wouldn't want to do everything to prevent the woman he loves from getting herpes is completely beyond me.

He should want to do everything possible to protect you from the possibility of catching it, and it's incredibly selfish of him to turn this into an argument.

Condoms, for you, should be non-negotiable, and if he can't respect that, I don't know if you should bother with the relationship.

This goes so much deeper than sex - it's basic respect and he should want to do everything in his power to prevent you from getting ill.

LividofLondon · 02/08/2014 11:23

Could you both go to the hospital and have a chat with a sexual health doctor to find out exactly what the risks are and what you should be going?

BeforeAndAfter · 02/08/2014 11:29

I think you can have a blood test to see if you've been infected. A huge percentage of people infected with herpes never get lesions and maybe you're one of those? As you're pregnant perhaps you could get the blood test done on the NHS. If you've got it I don't think you can recatch it so maybe you can drop the condoms?

A GUM clinic should be able to give you some good advice on this. I'm not medically trained but I get the odd cold sore so have done a bit of internet reading. In other words don't take my words as gospel!

getthefeckouttahere · 02/08/2014 11:34

Honestly you need to chat to am expert not seek advice on MN.
Your local gum or even family doctor should be able to advise.

Original poster

Shippy28 · 02/08/2014 11:46

I intend to make an appointment with him as he wasn't there when my midwife advised to use condom. I asked if I could get tested and she said only during outbreak but don't think she was well informed. Will go to a gum clinic with him. I just thought he'd understand as we were using condoms before on and off, reluctantly for him. Just wondered if anybody else was in the same boat. Thank you for your responses.

OP posts:

Squidstirfry · 02/08/2014 11:51

Fwiw, Any bloke who gets the hump over condom use is a wanker.

Discotheque · 02/08/2014 12:13

It is very dangerous for your unborn baby if you contract your first episode of herpes while you are pregnant. If you have the virus already when you get pregnant it is not so bad, but herpes can kill a newborn baby. You must be careful, Shippy. Don't get your advice from the internet, get it from a doctor. And take your frankly, incredibly selfish husband with you to the appointment. Do not put yourself and your unborn child at risk. I do not want to scare you unnecessarily, but this is a serious matter

MairyHoles · 02/08/2014 12:14

You are obviously worried and I would be too. Not trying to alarm you but as far as I'm aware if you haven't got it and catch it during pregnancy then it has worse implications, so condoms aren't optional, I would hope he could understand this.

Timeforabiscuit · 02/08/2014 12:22

Definitely get an appointment with the GUM clinic and NOT a regular GP.

Personally I think its abhorant that your partner didn't say straight away.

There are other ways to transfer the virus, using the same towels during an outbreak etc but these can be managed quite easily as long as your honest about it.

Castlemilk · 02/08/2014 12:37

Aside from anything else - while you are pregnant, be very careful. DO NOT HAVE ANY UNPROTECTED SEXUAL CONTACT!! As others have said, herpes caught while pregnant can have devastating consequences. Please be very careful.

LittleLadyFooFoo · 02/08/2014 12:59

You can get herpes simplex one from oral sex. Simplex one is the cold sore virus we get on our lips and not the genital herpes. However, through oral sex with someone with the cold sore virus, it can be spread to the genitals. If you go to the walk in GUM clinic you can get tested and treatment. Most people continue to have a normal sex life and just take precautions during an outbreak. Some people only ever have one outbreak.

Discotheque · 02/08/2014 13:15

Yes, all true, but the OP is pregnant, so must be careful

Egghead68 · 02/08/2014 13:36

I expect your partner's feeling like a bit of a leper which can't be nice. However he is being an arse by not wanting to take suitable precautions when you are pregnant.

As others have said, HSV is extremely common. If you count both types I think (but would have to check) that possibly the majority of the population is infected. Although HSV1 is more associated with the lips and HSV2 the genitals I understand that both can affect both. Many (most?) people have few or no symptoms and would not know that they are infected. In other words, it need not be a big deal.

Just don't contract it while you are pregnant.

Egghead68 · 02/08/2014 13:38

www.herpes.org.uk

LittleLadyFooFoo · 02/08/2014 14:19

Of course during pregnancy take precautions. My last post was probably reassuring anyone who thinks their partner has cheated by contracting herpes. It is possible that is the case but it can also mean that your own partner has passed it on through having the simplex one form.
Hope you manage to get peace of mind OP and good luck with your pregnancy.

LittleLadyFooFoo · 02/08/2014 14:30

Good link Egghead

pumpkin3142 · 02/08/2014 15:33

The Herpes Virus Association has useful information, as will a good GUM clinic. The majority of the population are infected with one of the two herpes viruses, but most people never have any symptoms. After researching the risks of transmission you will have to decide what level of risk you are willing to tolerate in the long term as to whether to use condoms forever or not- BUT the worst time to acquire genital herpes would be in pregnancy. So I would recommend using condoms through pregnancy while you gather more information. Condoms don't completely prevent transmission, but they do reduce the risk.

pumpkin3142 · 02/08/2014 15:41

Oh, if you are infected with cold sores (caused by the same virus) you are protected from catching genital herpes (see herpes virus association for explanation- assuming normal immune system)- whilst cold sores are horrible, I know which I would rather. Maybe in future you might want to relax the condoms for oral sex rule?

Also HSV 2 (usually causes genital herpes) is very dangerous for young babies- if he has an episode when your baby is little he must be very careful to wash his hands before handling baby.

VirginiaWoofs · 02/08/2014 15:47

Pumpkin- that is not necessarily the case. There are two forms of herpes, HSV1 and HSV2. Both can be caught on both the genital and mouth area (in fact they can be caught anywhere but those areas are the most common). If you have HSV1 oral it does not make you immune to HSV1 genital and vice versa. Similarly if you have HSV 1 it does not make you immune to HSV2. Please check your facts.

Ihaveherpes · 02/08/2014 15:49

He has herpes and he knows it: it should therefore be your choice whether you have unprotected sex or not.

Plus everything everyone has said above about GUM clinic etc.

Nodoubledippingallowed · 02/08/2014 16:29

Herpes is only dangerous during pregnancy at the point of delivery. And that is only if you the birth was during an outbreak. Beyond that it is not dangerous.

Nodoubledippingallowed · 02/08/2014 16:29

Give birth, not 'the birth'

Discotheque · 02/08/2014 18:25

No, what the above poster has said is not true at all, I do wish people would nit do that! Contracting herpes for the first time in pregnancy is dangerous for the foetus, not just during the birth process. If the mother already has herpes and has an outbreak during labour then that can also be dangerous.

And if you have cold sores you can still catch genital herpes

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 02/08/2014 19:28

You can only be tested for herpes during an outbreak, that's true. And the highest risk is if you contract herpes for the first time and have active sores while giving birth. However it's true that contracting the virus per se could be risky as on first infection you can be very ill with fever etc.
it's also not true that you are protected against type 2 by having type 1 although I was informed that you can't catch more than one type in one site (upper spine or base of spine)

Nodoubledippingallowed · 02/08/2014 20:57

That is what my close friend was told by a DOCTOR actually.

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