AIBU re MIL

[Fall78]

Ok will try to keep this short. I getting married next week and the past four weeks have been difficult for my STBH and myself re: his stag do (got a private dance kept it secret I found out on my hen was devestated just had a baby 4 weeks previous to the stag emcs)

Anyway I get a lot of childcare help from my mum and dad very very close. I don't get on with his mum for numerous reasons. From we got engaged she has complained about everything demanded I had his sister as a bridesmaid despite have 4 sisters of my own. When I found out I was pregnant after going engaged for two years she asked ME and only me 'why weren't you on the pill'.

Throughout my pregnancy none of his family text or rang to see how I was instead his older sister left bitchy comments on my fbook page that resulted in the whole family deleting me. Now this was because I thanked my parents in a status for helping us with our house move. She wanted to know why they weren't thanked...even though they didn't help us move!!!!

So I seen the family maybe 5 times in my pregnancy they don't call to our house. Then I or grief for not calling to see his mum more even though I was heavily pregnant and working sometimes 60 hour weeks.

Then my friebds threw me a surprise baby shower two weeks before due date and didn't invite his family (they don't know them) that caused me to move out heavily pregnant as OH was livid as his mum was 'heartbroke'

Didn't hear or see her until baby was born first night at hospital
She was fine. Second night she came up effed and blinded because my family and friends were there and she felt she should be having alone time so she left. She then came up to the house the day after we got out but stormed out because my sister was there too.

I had just had an ecs my family were helping. They never once offered to help out.

So again that behaviour brushed under the carpet...fast forward to my hen night. She blanked me, started on my sister (chief bridesmaid)asked why there was nothing about my OHs family on the wee cards shed made up my sister told her 'this is falls night not OHs he's had his stag. Then she started on my friebds called them poisonous and thoughtless bitches for not inviting her to the baby shower had them in tears. Then the older sister attacked my best friend after it came out about the private dance and we were annoyed at her brother so she decided to lash out?!?!

Two weeks ago the mum told us she wasn't giving what she had said towards the wedding. Then last week we called in with the baby she refused to speak to me because 'I won't leave the baby to be minded by her' so I walked out. She is still going on about minding the baby alone he is 12weeks and she's seen him 8/9 times.

Apart from the above my other reasons why I won't leave the baby with her are:
The house is filthy
She has three dogs which she refuses to put out while I am there although I am allergic
She fosters a special needs child who can be quiet volatile.
Oh and she hates me!!!

Am I wrong after another argument today with OH I'm at my wit send

[Vivacia]

Why do you take your son to see her?

(Not too sure what the dog poo paragraph means).

[Quitelikely]

Dogs poo in the garden and that's fine by my standards. This isn't a power struggle. It's your child's relationship with his grandparents. I know you don't like her but has she harmed your son? Is she a risk to his mental or physical well being? I'm not convinced tbh. If the answer is no then I think you're being harsh. I mean your doing a little like what she's doing with her son (your dh) trying to control and influence things just because you don't like the person they are spending time with (ie her son is spending time with you) you don't want your son to spend time with her.

I dunno........I just don't see the point in stopping dc fostering good relationships with people who love them.

[Fall78]

I take him to see her because it is his grandma but recently I'm feeling more and more uncomfortable being in their company. As his mother I have seen how she looks after children before and tbh it's not up to my standards. I don't like a great big dog leering over my baby or lying on the sofa beside him. I'm not a dog lover at all and don't see why I should just be ok with it.

I've never once said she couldn't come to our home the few times she has I've been more than welcoming whole OH hides upstairs as he can't really be bothered with guests. As I've said I'm not prevent him having a relationship with his fathers family I just am not comfortable leaving h in their sole care at 12 weeks old and I feel I'm being forced into doing it.

[Vivacia]

If you're not convinced that she can keep him safe then that's a good enough reason not to let him in his care.

To be honest if she's bad-mouthing you I think he needs protecting from her influence.

[Vivacia]

"her care".

[Meerka]

No one, no one shoudl be forced into leaving their 12 week old with someone else.

if they are pressuring you to do that, that's really a bad sign. And if your OH won't back you up, that's bad too.

[kaykayblue]

I'm still not sure why you are still in the relationship to be honest.

If you're going to marry this horrible man with his horrible family just so his mum doesn't get the baby without you being here...well, that goes beyond ridiculous I'm afraid.

If you broke up (and frankly I don't see what's keeping you there - both him and his family sound hideous) you can speak to a lawyer about access arrangements. If his mothers house is not a suitable environment (and it doesn't sound like it is with another child with temperamental special needs and big dogs which are not kept away from tiny babies) then you can have something drawn into the access contract.

All you need to do is to get a lawyer, be very honest with them, and refuse to engage with your ex or his family unless its through a solicitor.

If they harass you then get an anti harrassememt order.

The most complex angle of this is you deciding that you don't want to live the rest of your life feeling like shit, and teaching your child that this is what families are like.

[TwinkleDust]

What kaykayblue says.

Don't marry this man.

[Cabrinha]

The family sound awful, but even if they were lovely... FGS don't marry a man who cheats on you with a private dance at any time, let alone when you're home with a newborn.
You will regret marrying him.
You do already know this.

And if her house is filthy, have you called Social Servicrs about the conditions in which the foster child is living? Do.

[Pagwatch]

You understand that this will get worse rather than better don't you?
Your oh is awful, his mother is aggressive and belligerent and he is heartbroken when she isn't invited to a group of your friends getting together.

I can't believe she has a child with SN in her care.
The whole situation is hideous. I would get out while you can.

[MrsCaptainReynolds]

You'd be crazy to marry into this situation. Nightmare in-laws are one thing, but a DH who puts them ahead of you and his child is never going to be a good husband. I can't believe he kicked you out, heavily pregnant, cos his mum had a strop over the baby shower. Honestly they all sound horrendous, over-involved, infantile and aggressive -him, his sisters and his parents. Run, don't walk (or you'll be spending your whole life on these boards complaining about the next big stress, falling out, kicking out etc). And no child of mine would be left in your MILto-be's house.

[Fall78]

I really needed this advice. I thought I was over reacting. My friends had never met her until the hen and they have all told me I really played down her behaviour.

I don't want to marry him. There I've said it. I love him but after the dance and how he never takes my m side I know that he doesn't love me. I wanted to go after I found out about the stag but my family ANC friends said I was over reacting. They also don't think I should give in yogis family and leave but if I'm honest they think he take my side yet he doesn't.

He's still
Sleeping I've left baby with my mum and when he wakes I'm gonna tell him the wedding is off. How the fuck did my life get like this :(

[Fall78]

Obviously He is not called yogi...stupid phone

[Patilla]

Wishing you all the best.

It's a brave decision to admit it now and far better than three years down the line after the wedding

[temporarilyjerry]

I knew before I married XH that I didn't want to marry him. One of my friends said to me a couple of weeks before the wedding, "Your heart's not in this wedding, is it?"

Unfortunately I went ahead with it but the marriage didn't last.

Good luck to you, OP.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

The whole point of being engaged is to identify whether you do actually work well together in a relationship.

This is not working well. So ignore this at your peril.

Better move now than have to arrange a divorce and the faff that comes with it.

[Vivacia]

I think this is the right thing, and I think you're very brave to be doing it. Don't think, "how did my life get like this?" think, "what kind of a life do I want?".

[Pagwatch]

I too think you are very brave.

To recognise that this is not what you want and is not the best thing for you is much harder than just accepting the status quo.

[NotQuiteSoOnEdge]

Oh goodness, please do not get married! Run away, as far as you can. Married or otherwise, his right to take the child to his mums will always be there. Deal with this through a solicitor with proper access arrangements. Sounds v scary, but it's exactly what you need.

I bet if you left, he'd lose interest fast.

[elfycat]

You don't necessarily have to end the relationship or anything frastic, at least in the first instance. One of my cousins delayed her wedding because she got pregnant and wanted to marry her (now) DH without the confusion of hormones/ pressure of baby.

You could say too much is going on with a 12 week old and you're feeling swept away by everything and not coping with his stupid family. You then get to renegotiate the power balance without the pressure of the marriage influencing you/them.

[elfycat]

*drastic

[Pagwatch]

I'm not sure the op should say that she's not coping
Why does she have to blame herself as if she is some hysterical flower?

I think it's much more healthy to say 'I won't marry you because you are a dick who won't stand up to your aggressive, incoherent and nonsensical mother'

[Fall78]

So we have had a talk and I'm really shocked at his reaction. He has completly went off on one but not at me about his family and how he doesn't want them coming between us. He said he didn't realise how bad I've been feeling and he hates that he's buried his head so that it's now got to this stage. He told me he wanted to keep the peace with his family until after the wedding so his mum wouldn't cause a drama at the wedding. So off he's went now to tell his mum she either quits or he's cutting her out.

I've rang my mum and she doesn't think I should cancel the wedding but my gut is still telling me not to do it. Am I a bitch even after he says all this that I go...nope still not good enough ????. He's finally giving me the reaction I've wanted but it's too late for me

[hamptoncourt]

I think someone upthread has already said something along these lines but please do not marry a man you are not ecstatic about spending the rest of your life with.

Can you at least postpone it?

[Pagwatch]

Putting the wedding to one side, it does sound positive.
Could you postpone? Take some time to see if he means what he says, see if your relationship can come through this?

I don't think for a moment you should get married right now. Your doubts are huge and valid and you need time to see if he means what he says or if he is just making the right noises to get you to back down.