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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

So do I give dp a rollicking or not?

75 replies

teaandthorazine · 31/07/2014 22:45

Really fucking fed up. I know this sounds petty but....am fuming.

Dp and I had decided to have a takeaway and a bottle of wine tonight as ds was eating at his grandparents'. I had a work do but said I would be back by 8pm so we could order and eat together. Got a text from him at 5.45 saying he was having a pint after work but would be back by 8 as agreed. I left my work do (and some really delicious cocktails!) at 6.30 to pick up ds and get home in time.

He sent me a text at 7ish saying he knew he was a dick but was having another pint and would be back by 9. He is still not home now.

I just feel like a fucking mug. I was in the pub having a nice time too, but I left in time because I'd taken our arrangement seriously. I feel as if he just thought, 'ah fuck it, who cares?' I know a takeaway and a bottle isn't exactly a mindblowingly exciting invite but we are short on cash and...we'll, tbh he was out on Monday night and is also planning to be out tomorrow, so...

I was previously married to an alcoholic who used to disappear for entire weekends on benders, so maybe I'm super sensitive to this kind of thing but I just feel like an absolute mug for believing he'd actually be home on time. Grrrrrrr.

OP posts:

ColdCottage · 01/08/2014 13:08

Get that takeaway and wine tonight just for you and a big box of chocolate or ice cream (or both!) invite a girlfriend over and watch a rom com. It will cheer you up and the wine will help you sleep.

Hope you have a nice evening and that he makes it up to you tomorrow.

Ivehearditallnow · 01/08/2014 13:15

Blimey - I understand you were disappointed (and I would have been too) but... I wouldn't start being a martyr about it.
He was selfish and he's apologised, let him make it up to you.

Say you were pissed off and disappointed, and next time it's YOU who wants to stay out and he wants to watch telly with some wine, let HIM wait.

Don't think it needs to be this much of a big deal TBH... unless there's other stuff going on under the surface.

My opinion.

Lweji · 01/08/2014 13:42

That he asked you if you had been crying makes it so much worse.
It sounds as if he had expected or hoped you would.
Good reply, btw.

Ivehearditallnow · 01/08/2014 13:47

How on earth does him asking OP - who he knows was upset/pissed off and presumably not speaking to him (and rightly so) - had been crying make it sound worse/like he wanted her to cry?

Is it dramatic Friday or something!

OP - next time you stay out with the work people and have some more of those cocktails, sounds like you would like to have been the one to have let your hair down and I don't blame you if he's out a couple of times this week.

Hope you have something fun/nice planned tonight - even if like Cottage says, it's just some ice cream and a movie.

Frogisatwat · 01/08/2014 13:52

Hope he apologises.

Original poster

teaandthorazine · 01/08/2014 14:39

Well, he's texted back to say that him sleeping elsewhere tonight is 'pretty extreme'. And maybe it is, but given that he believes sending a text just saying 'sorry about last night' makes everything peachy, how else am I to make my point?

Ugh. Hate this.

OP posts:

Ivehearditallnow · 01/08/2014 14:54

One word: COCKTAILS

ChaChaChaChanges · 01/08/2014 15:12

Him standing you up in such a thoughtless, childish way - particularly leaving you hungry, and particularly when he has other nice nights planned and you don't - is pretty extreme too.

Lweji · 01/08/2014 15:25

That he asked whether you had been crying is worse because as far as I could tell, he had no reason to think you'd be particularly upset or emotional about it. I'd have expected a "are you angry"?
As you have replied, it sounds like he flattered himself that you'd be so upset as to cry, but if he thought you'd cry about it, why would he have stayed so late and blow you off? Think about it.

This sounds like the type of thing that creeps slowly and you are in danger of having exH version 2, IMO.

I wouldn't do tit for tat (sorry, but that's childish and a quick way to ruin the relationship) or ask him to sleep away just for the sake of it, but would certainly evaluate this relationship and see if it's repeated (even in a different shape) or it was a thoughtless one off.
For now I'd make sure to have a proper conversation about it, how his behaviour shows his feelings towards you and how he is at danger of making you detach from him.
Because I would certainly start caring less for people who cared this little about me.

Castlemilk · 01/08/2014 15:43

I'd text back:

'Sadly, I don't agree. What last night showed me is that you have absolutely no respect for me. I think that's pretty extreme. You chose to be a dick - as you quite cheerfully informed me - don't be surprised, then, if I turn out to be the kind of person who really, really does not want to be in a relationship with a dick. Stay elsewhere. You didn't give a shit about what I wanted last night, if I were you, I wouldn't take the same attitude to what I want tonight. Stay elsewhere, I've got a lot of thinking to do.'

thestamp · 01/08/2014 15:58

YANBU and i think the text you just sent is in the right direction.

thestamp · 01/08/2014 15:58

gird your loins though, because he's going to try to make you feel like YABU and ridiculous.

Frogisatwat · 01/08/2014 17:08

What a fabulous reply castlemilk.

ColdCottage · 01/08/2014 17:15

What he did was out of order but I'm sure you don't want to break up over it.

Just explain you need some space as you are quite upset about it an don't want a row tonight. Suggest perhaps to make it up to you he could take you out for lunch tomorrow to talk it over, explaining how is actions made you feel.

You want to get your point across but you don't want to make it worse. Just my opinion. You know your relationship and how you two work.

Hope you work it out and manage to have a nice night tonight.

Jayne35 · 01/08/2014 17:17

Hope your ok OP, he was a bit of a thoughtless shit wasn't he, is it the first time? As if it was, maybe he will be more thoughtful in future now he knows how upset and angry he has made you.

My DH once did that to me, he was going out with colleagues for a few drinks then picking me up in a taxi around 9pm to go see a band we both wanted to see, I got all ready to go out and he got in at 2am! I was livid, waited up still fully dressed and told him to sleep on the sofa when he fell in the door.

FishRabbit · 01/08/2014 17:25

Good luck OP! How he sends a brilliant reply and proves us all wrong (maybe he's not really a dick)...

Let us know how reply. X

Original poster

teaandthorazine · 01/08/2014 17:39

No you're right, I certainly don't want to break up over it. That would be crazy. But, I do want him to be in no doubt whatsoever that he has fucked up.

I sent a version of castlemilk's text. We'll see.

Shattered and want to go to bed. And as if today hadn't been bad enough, my bloody laptop didn't save an entire five hours' worth of modifications I'd made to my dissertation today and was really pleased with. Honestly, then I felt like crying!

OP posts:

rosepetalsoup · 01/08/2014 19:59

I would be suuuuper-annoyed. My dh also would kill me if I did this to him. Take away and wine's a hot date these days! xx Have a go at him for 5 mins or so then, when he apologises, tell him he owes you super take-away with two bottles of wine and foot massage at the weekend.

The annoying thing is leaving your work do.

rosepetalsoup · 01/08/2014 20:07

Whoops have read all now and see it has escalated.

In that case if it were me I would see if he comes back truly repentant. If he does, tell him to sit down and listen and give him a piece of your mind. Then let him make it up to you i.e. You need him either out of the house to work on dissertation tomorrow night or if he stays in you need silence and to be cooked for/washing up and brought drinks at your desk through the night (in silence).

Then night after he needs to order in a super fab take-away and grovel LIKE THE MORON HE IS!!! etc.

Seriously he doesn't sound that bad and maybe he is insecure about all the work changes. He's been a knob in a small way and can easily be punished as I set out above.

CuriosityCola · 01/08/2014 20:38

I don't think I would have 'sent him away'. I think it's far healthier to discuss what happened and then move on. Venus was spot on with her advice.

I had major problems with this early on in my relationship. It was like dh turned into his teenage selfish self and I was his unreasonable parent. I would get the one pint, two pints, me worrying as it got late and no message (no reception in a lot of clubs), then apologies/on way home messages. We actually missed a wedding ceremony (too hungover to drive) because of it and that brought it to a head.

The thing that solved it was being direct about how it made me feel. Like you I was annoyed that my time was worthless to him and I could have made plans! The biggest thing was getting him to be honest and not trying to manage me incase I was 'grumpy'.

Now even if it's work (client) drinks he says if he is unsure if it will be a late one. I'm not going to be the nagging wife at home. If we have plans he sticks to them. That includes staying in together.

Original poster

teaandthorazine · 01/08/2014 20:43

He's coming home anyway because he'd have to get a hotel and we definitely can't afford that!

So we will talk. He sounds repentant but we'll see.

Thanks all for your great advice and opinions. I know this isn't a big deal in the normal scheme of the relationships board but it has been incredibly helpful for me

OP posts:

ColdCottage · 01/08/2014 21:10

Glad it seems to be moving in the right direction. Maybe talk about how you used to be when you first got together, how nothing would have kept him away from your date. Turn this negative upside down and rekindle the romance.

Take care and have a good weekend.

P.s I feel so so bad for your about your dissertation, I know that pain. I hope you have an inspired day on that tomorrow too.

CuriosityCola · 02/08/2014 10:02

Hope you have had a good chance
to clear the air and lay out expectations.

I felt worried for you when you doubted yourself because of your past relationship problems.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 02/08/2014 10:13

I'd be fuming too! Especially at his, "have you been crying?" comment. To me, that hints at a total loss of respect. It's really cocky! Argh!!

googoodolly · 02/08/2014 11:38

How did last night go, OP?

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