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Original poster

So do I give dp a rollicking or not?

75 replies

teaandthorazine · 31/07/2014 22:45

Really fucking fed up. I know this sounds petty but....am fuming.

Dp and I had decided to have a takeaway and a bottle of wine tonight as ds was eating at his grandparents'. I had a work do but said I would be back by 8pm so we could order and eat together. Got a text from him at 5.45 saying he was having a pint after work but would be back by 8 as agreed. I left my work do (and some really delicious cocktails!) at 6.30 to pick up ds and get home in time.

He sent me a text at 7ish saying he knew he was a dick but was having another pint and would be back by 9. He is still not home now.

I just feel like a fucking mug. I was in the pub having a nice time too, but I left in time because I'd taken our arrangement seriously. I feel as if he just thought, 'ah fuck it, who cares?' I know a takeaway and a bottle isn't exactly a mindblowingly exciting invite but we are short on cash and...we'll, tbh he was out on Monday night and is also planning to be out tomorrow, so...

I was previously married to an alcoholic who used to disappear for entire weekends on benders, so maybe I'm super sensitive to this kind of thing but I just feel like an absolute mug for believing he'd actually be home on time. Grrrrrrr.

OP posts:
CatKisser · 31/07/2014 23:31

No offence meant here... but, take a step back here....

Has he just been a selfish dick or is the booze the real problem?

I'm only asking because I go for the drinkers. Mostly because I drink too much myself. But they were ALL destructive relationships.

IMO the selfish behaviour can be dealt with - but the booze problem is a lot bigger.

Castlemilk · 31/07/2014 23:32

Oh! Well then. He does go out. Hungover or not - you have plans. He's not welcome at home. He can sit on a park bench. Or he can experience the utterly frustrating experience of spending an evening not quite how he had planned, and be forced to go out, not drink much and feel queasy.

Original poster
teaandthorazine · 31/07/2014 23:35

I'm not sure tbh catkisser, but I do get where you're coming from. He does drink a fair bit (I'm not innocent there either) but I definitely wouldn't characterise our relationship as destructive, just fucking irritating at this point in time! This is the only time I'd say his drinking has really interfered with 'us'.

My relationship with XH and booze definitely was destructive, so... I do think there is a massive difference here and hopefully I'm not just kidding myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
teaandthorazine · 31/07/2014 23:38

Anyway, I'm off to bed, thanks for keeping me company while I let off steam Smile

Will update!

OP posts:
Mini05 · 31/07/2014 23:51

Well I'd say my piece! And tell him your having the takeaway and wine tomorrow it's fri so get 2 bottles cause he must of spent £20-30

sykadelic · 01/08/2014 00:56

I'd just tell him the truth.

"I'm sad. I'm sad our night together meant nothing to you. That our plans meant nothing. That you have so little respect for us as a couple that your friends are more important. I'm not a demanding person. One night in so many weeks/months and you let me down."

There is no defense to that. It's all true. If he reacts poorly, you'll know more about how he really feels about you.

Lweji · 01/08/2014 01:32

I am getting the feeling that something else is more important than you, here. Either other people or the drink, or even himself.

Just because at this stage, where he actually has needed you, he is not as bad as your ex, it doesn't mean that it's right.
You need boundaries at this stage and evaluate this relationship as dispassionately as you can before you further commit to it.

kaykayblue · 01/08/2014 04:45

What a shitbag. Its all the worse since he KNEW that you cut your own evening shirt to get back to honour your plans, but decided to stay our anyway. To me that shows that he is a selfish dick. His fun is more important than yours.

I would be furious.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 01/08/2014 08:00

Wow. What a rude arsehole. And I can't believe your excusing it by saying he has to go out with (temporary, short term) work colleagues! He stayed out because he wanted to, because the people he was with were more appealing than you, and because he wanted to sink a few more pints. Sorry but there is a huge problem there.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 01/08/2014 08:01

I bet all the money in my purse that OP will forgive him very quickly, make excuses and swallow her feelings until the next time this happens

Original poster
teaandthorazine · 01/08/2014 08:09

Er, Ehric, I can read the thread you know!

OP posts:
Original poster
teaandthorazine · 01/08/2014 08:11

I didn't say he has to go out with them. He worked with them for three years up until last year, and is now back for a few weeks until his permanent job starts.

I'm not making any excuses for him. I'm still livid and when he asked me this morning if I'd been crying I told him not to fucking flatter himself.

But thanks for your support Hmm

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 01/08/2014 08:17

Ok, sorry. That was rude. It just really seemed like you were explaining away his behaviour and rationalising it because it wasn't as bad as your ex, when in fact it is also very bad.

Longdistance · 01/08/2014 08:18

He stood you up :(

Not good behaviour. He shouldn't be going out tomorrow evening (tonight) as that's 3 nights out in 7. Too much, especially as you have money worries.

Original poster
teaandthorazine · 01/08/2014 08:30

Ok, thanks Smile

OP posts:
ColdCottage · 01/08/2014 08:53

I would be SO cross. That was not on.

He so needs to make it up to you. I hope he grovels.

I'd make him babysit to tonight and go out with the girls. Screw his night out tonight.

Original poster
teaandthorazine · 01/08/2014 09:29

So he got in last night just after midnight. Came to bed and asked me if I'd been crying, tried to hug me. Once he fell asleep I got up and 'slept' on the sofa as I was too wired and wound up to sleep next to him. So now I feel fucking shattered this morning.

This morning he didn't get up with ds and I, stayed in bed until I left to take ds to summer club. Got back and he's gone to work.

Have just texted him to say he needs to ask one of his work buddies if they have a sofa he can kip on tonight. No reply as yet.

Feel really sad, but angry. And also pissed off because I was planning to attack my dissertation today and now I'm going to be dwelling on his crappy behaviour all day.

OP posts:
CatKisser · 01/08/2014 09:43

Ugh, sorry to re that, tea. I do think asking for some space tonight was the right thing to do. He knew he'd upset you but hasn't bothered to find the time to talk to you since he got home?
How frustrating as well for your dissertation - I'd be chewing this crap over too. Has he replied?

Mrskeats · 01/08/2014 09:49

I think you are doing the right thing getting some space.
Stand your ground would be my advice so that it's clear that this is not acceptable behaviour.
In your shoes I would also be fuming as it shows lack of respect for you and your relationship.
Annoyed about the leaving of cocktails on your behalf

tigermoll · 01/08/2014 09:50

Came to bed and asked me if I'd been crying, tried to hug me

Argh, that would give me the rage! It really annoys me when some men choose to interpret 'anger' as 'boo hoo I'm hurt' when it comes from a woman.

Original poster
teaandthorazine · 01/08/2014 09:51

He's just texted to say 'I'm sorry for last night'. I think he probably hasn't got my text - his phone is shit and he'll probably get all my texts in one go later today Hmm.

He thinks he can just do puppy-dog eyes and 'sorry' and I'll roll over and forgive him. Not this time.

Tbh cat I didn't want to talk to him, last night or this morning. Bloody, bloody men.

OP posts:
Original poster
teaandthorazine · 01/08/2014 09:54

Me too, tigermoll, SO patronising!

I'm making him sound like a total twat, aren't I? He does have many many delightful points, but he has really crossed a line this time and I'm not going to let him get away with it.

God, I'm tired Sad

OP posts:
Mrskeats · 01/08/2014 10:22

I hate that also and when men turn it around so that you are a nag if you say anything. This word never seems to get applied to me either
This gives me the rage.

Mrskeats · 01/08/2014 10:22

Men even. Sorry

JohnFarleysRuskin · 01/08/2014 10:41

I think you're right to not let him get away with it.

I've done this sort of thing before, Blush thinking, "oh, its only another night with DH and takeaway, we can do that any night," and I was hauled over hot coals for it!