Aibu to think just because he works close to home.....

[thebluehen]

and often pops into the house, he shouldn't expect me to drop everything the moment he walks in the house?

I literally feel i can never get on with anything because I am always interrupted!

He feels he neglected his first wife so seems to think he has to keep appearing on my days off and having a coffee or turns up for breakfast any time between 7:30 and 9 and therefore expects me to have breakfast with him every day. Dinner last night was fitted round his schedule and often is.

We had a row this morning because I'm going away to my family for a few days and he came in to say goodbye (meaning he expected me to sit and have breakfast with him) at a time he knew id still be packing and getting ready but apparently he's juggled his work round do I should therefore give him my time and carry on packing when he had gone.

I can see his point today but it's every day that I have to stop doing whatever I'm doing because "he's juggled his work so he can see me".

I have told him that I need some space sometimes and constant interruptions on my days off aren't necessary but he says he likes to see me and then I feel guilty.

Whatever I'm doing at home might not be "important" but I can't seem to be able to get on with anything and heaven forbid I ever want some privacy, I can't even take a shit without him interrupting me!

I haven't watched a film or opened a book for months. I can't sort out the house paperwork or even dust the cobwebs without him expecting me to stop what I'm doing and talk to him.

It's not bloody normal is it and I've been too nice haven't I?

I'm curious. Is he going to lose it if you just sit him down and say "while I appreciate you're doing this with good intentions, it's very frustrating and it needs to stop" ?? I think you're going to have to discuss it and be fairly blunt. If not, you're either going to be interrupted constantly by him or you're going to have to spend a majority of your day out of the house so he's not trailing you constantly. Although it's generally best to be open and honest about it, even if it does make him annoyed.

Tell him, firmly, that it is driving you mad. That you will dump him if he doesn't get a grip and give you some peace.
If he becomes aggressive, then, seriously, end the relationship immediately.

His behaviour is wholly unacceptable. It's actually abusive already - he's making you uneasy and constantly on edge, and ignoring polite suggestions that he back off a bit - and it's going to escalate, because the mindset that causes this behaviour (that you are an object he owns/ domestic animal that needs to be trained to obey) is impossible to change.

Have you spoke to him seriously op? Tell him how uneasy it makes you feel.

I was in a serious relationship where the man was a farmer and this would be effectively rocking from home and though we were not living together, he would often say how would he cope waiting until I got home from work etc everyday if we were married.

I jumped ship. I get how it makes you feel.

Working

I think I would go out until he broke the habit and tell him why.

You need to tell him.

If I lock all the doors, he comes round the back and knocks on the window. If I go out, he'll wait til I get back.

This is, in context, creepy and silly of him.

I said earlier I didn't want to project too much. But someone I know was like this. He was always there: playful, affectionate, wanting attention. His partner couldn't read two pages of a book without interruption. But he seemed so sweet.

However, over time, Mr Playful, can't bear to be away man, morphed into a full on, controlling, aggressive domestic abuser.

I'm not saying that's going to happen to you. But you do need to crack down on this if it's making you uncomfortable.

See what happens when you call him out again.

• Does he put your feelings first, or his own?
• If he promises to change, does he keep it up over a long period of time?
• Do you consistently get the idea his time is more important than yours?

This will give you some idea of how he regards you, and where you're heading with him.

OK, so you have asked him not to do it and he still is.

Your only option is to carry on doing what you were doing and totally ignore him ( other than a cheery hello) or go out EVERY SINGLE TIME he pops in.

He obviously isn't going to change his behaviour so you will have to change yours.

I would find it suffocating and creepy and would just tell him not to expect me to drop everything for him, and then act upon it. I don't think telling him anything is going to work, I think you have to ACT.

Also, he was probably controlling and abusive to his first wife as well, and that will be why she had an affair and left him - having an affair is sometimes the best thing you can do as it boosts your confidence and gives you enough support to get away from an unsatisfactory partner who has been grinding you down.

My exh used to ring the doorbell and wait to be let into the house and yes, he had a set of keys, it was his home where he lived. He could not understand why this would annoy me, I would be in the middle of breastfeeding a newborn and simultaneously trying to stop DD from climbing the curtains and the doorbell would ring. I would go to answer and then be annoyed as his key would be in his pocket. If I complained occasionally his very hurt answer would be his hands were full, he might happen to have a little bag he was carrying, in the end I refused to answer the door to him. This was the tip of the iceberg, but hugely irritating. Needless to say he is exh!

I can see completely why this is annoying. You will have to try and stand your ground, though I did many a time and it did not really change

he was probably controlling and abusive to his first wife as well

I was thinking the same.

It's making me feel ill thinking about this. I would go mad.

It's very insidious behaviour like this as when the relationship begins it feels quite cute and lovey dovey but as time goes on you start to dread the other person being there. I had an ex like this and by the end I dreaded him coming round to visit. I knew DH was a keeper because the first weekend we spent together I was able to say I just need an hour with my book and he smiled and left me to it.

If you love this man you need to lay it on the line for him and give him a chance to change but it sounds like you are fundamentally incompatible. You need a man who respects your need for space.