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Original poster

Aibu to think just because he works close to home.....

62 replies

thebluehen · 31/07/2014 21:45

and often pops into the house, he shouldn't expect me to drop everything the moment he walks in the house?

I literally feel i can never get on with anything because I am always interrupted!

He feels he neglected his first wife so seems to think he has to keep appearing on my days off and having a coffee or turns up for breakfast any time between 7:30 and 9 and therefore expects me to have breakfast with him every day. Dinner last night was fitted round his schedule and often is.

We had a row this morning because I'm going away to my family for a few days and he came in to say goodbye (meaning he expected me to sit and have breakfast with him) at a time he knew id still be packing and getting ready but apparently he's juggled his work round do I should therefore give him my time and carry on packing when he had gone.

I can see his point today but it's every day that I have to stop doing whatever I'm doing because "he's juggled his work so he can see me".

I have told him that I need some space sometimes and constant interruptions on my days off aren't necessary but he says he likes to see me and then I feel guilty.

Whatever I'm doing at home might not be "important" but I can't seem to be able to get on with anything and heaven forbid I ever want some privacy, I can't even take a shit without him interrupting me! Shock

I haven't watched a film or opened a book for months. I can't sort out the house paperwork or even dust the cobwebs without him expecting me to stop what I'm doing and talk to him.

It's not bloody normal is it and I've been too nice haven't I?

OP posts:
Lweji · 01/08/2014 15:31

You could give him something to do when he pops in.
As in, as you're in you can finish vacuuming, or please wash the dishes, or take the clothes somewhere, or dust this and that.
I bet he'll soon stop. :)

CarryOnDancing · 01/08/2014 15:56

It reads like you don't like him very much.

I (and others) assumed he didn't live with you from the wording of your post. It's not really imposing on you if it's his house too. Surely if he popped home and didn't want to talk to you you would wonder what was wrong between you?

So is he ok to come back and exist in the same space if he doesn't want you talk to him or would you rather he just popped to a cafe if he wanted a break.

Surely the fact it annoys you is more of an issue than him being excited to talk to you? Many on here dream of that!

hamptoncourt · 01/08/2014 17:21

This would drive me nuts.

Can you not just say, "Oh, Hi, I am off out, seeya later?"

Are you worried about his reaction?

If you have told him it annoys you and he is still doing it then he is showing a blatant disregard for your feelings and he seems to think his feelings are the only ones that count in your relationship.

FunkyBoldRibena · 01/08/2014 17:30

It reads like you don't like him very much.

Does it?

If my beloved come home every day and stood there [waiting] whilst I got on with my stuff it would do my crackerjack in.

As mentioned in another thread, he is my partner, not my limpet...

tribpot · 01/08/2014 17:32

I would find that horrendously smothering. Why does he think he owns your time? It's particularly mad given you live with each other and so see each other at both ends of the day anyway, why have you got to spend a portion of your day socialising with him just because he wants to? You've got stuff to do - we all have.

Tempting to reverse the position and turn up at his office with a picnic or a DVD and say 'I've juggled my day to see you, I expect you to drop everything immediately'.

KillmeNow · 01/08/2014 17:45

Good grief .
What on earth do you find to talk about?

If you are together every evening and then see each other during your days off there isnt much time for you both to do other things except work.

Im intrigued as to how he lets you know you must put the book down or stop your conversation on the phone. Does he just annoyingly hover or does he start speaking and sort of 'command' you to listen just by the fact he is talking?

If its the first then i would definitely give him a job to do.Make a mental list of all the little things that need doing- fetch something from the loft ,oil the squeaky hinge etc -and choose the one that takes him furthest away from you.

It seems to me that he expects to be treated almost like a visitor rather than your partner. That can't be good in the long term can it?

LilyandGinger · 01/08/2014 17:57

That would drive me bonkers. I would talk to him about it though, it does seem as if he has some issues.

Could you agree a 'date' day? E.g agree to meet for lunch or coffee (not at home) on a specific day and agree that he gives you peace otherwise?

I had a relative who used to randomly pop round when my children were small, and got quite put out when I was busy/had friends in/was out. He was just keen to see the children but it took me a little while to get him to call first.

wyrdyBird · 01/08/2014 19:04

I think you have a problem, and you're not being unreasonable.

heaven forbid I ever want some privacy, I can't even take a shit without him interrupting me!

If that's the literal truth, and I wouldn't be surprised if it is - it's ridiculous, and has to stop.

I haven't watched a film or opened a book for months. I can't sort out the house paperwork or even dust the cobwebs without him expecting me to stop what I'm doing and talk to him.

You said it feels controlling, and that's the impression I'm getting too. If he expects you to keep stopping what you're doing and attend to him, that is controlling. I don't want to project too much, but this kind of smothering 'I just want the be with you/can't bear to be away' stuff doesn't really augur well for the future. Time to have words and reclaim your life a bit.

RedRoom · 01/08/2014 19:33

It really would drive me nuts too. And did you say that you were actually working from home when all of these interruptions keep happening? I agree with the others that it's time for a very firm explanation of why this is suffocating / inconvenient / irritating. It's lovely that he is so keen to see you, but he's gone well into the territory of seeming at a bit of a loss by himself!

Jux · 01/08/2014 22:23

First, I would try to talk to him about how his 'little' interruptions are messing with you.

I'm not sure whether you live together, or he's 'visiting'? If he's visiting, then you can be a bit firmer about how you have things to do and can't just stop because he wants you to.

If it's hishome too, then you can say "I'm busy, darling, what is it?", "I've had breakfast thanks", "Is it important or can it wait?" then carry on. If you're hoovering, don't stop just because you've finished a room, carry on to the next bit. If you were in the bath, would he expect you to get out?

SolidGoldBrass · 01/08/2014 22:54

I wouldn't put up with this. First I'd tell him I was busy, and if he kept turning up and plucking at my sleeve and whining I would just carry on with whatever I was doing and/or walk out of the room or even leave the house. You are not his comfort blanket and you have a life that is not lived only in relation to what he wants.

Original poster
thebluehen · 02/08/2014 07:58

It's really hard to explain but it has become that it's not the interruptions that are the issue, it's more the constantly being on edge waiting for the next interruption. Does that make sense?

I just feel like I'm perpetually waiting to be interrupted.

I know it's lovely he wants to see me and I know it's home too (I know he never comes in the house when I'm out at work though), but it feels suffocating.

The other day he was really upset I hadn't dropped everything at that moment and it made me really angry because I feel my whole home life is about dropping everything for him.

After I spoke to him about it last time I got annoyed, he started texting me "asking" if I'd like a coffee with him, breakfast, lunch, a cuddle, tea etc etc. but even the "pre warning" has stopped now.

It's irritating, feels controlling and he insinuates that his time is more important than mine.

I'm going to have to be firm aren't I?

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 02/08/2014 08:08

Can you go out? I couldnt bear the limbo feeling in betweeen pop ins. Id have to go out. Or lock the fucker him out

Original poster
thebluehen · 02/08/2014 08:11

The other thing that happens is that he comes in, then his mobile is constantly ringing and he has to answer it. So I've stopped what I'm doing to listen to him take a business phone call. Hmm

OP posts:
Lweji · 02/08/2014 08:37

You will have to be very firm, yes, but TBH, I don't see it improving much, if you have had the talk and he gets upset that you don't drop everything.

The problem with this is that it's insidious. It will keep creeping back again and again.
But, personally, it might well drive me nuts enough to call it a day.

googoodolly · 02/08/2014 08:44

Why doesn't he stay at work? Surely he's not being paid to swan around at home having coffee and interrupting you at random?

FunkyBoldRibena · 02/08/2014 08:49

I think that you may have to call him on the lack of trust thing; he is doing it to keep an eye on you and it is at his leisure not yours. It's like he is trying to triply catch you out. First on what you are up to then on not stopping what you are doing or he will have an upset baby sulk and then, once you have dropped everything, he doesn't do the same as he answers his phone. You literally have to be in, stop immediately and sit and wait for him to finish what he wants to do before you can move.

The priorities are all skewed.

Either he trusts you and leaves you alone, or he doesn't.

Can you live with that and the ensuing tantrum if you don't drop everything as soon as he pops his head around the door?

Why are you afraid of telling him that your time at home involves doing your stuff and you don't appreciate the constant interruptions, tantrums and business calls that he is constantly bringing through the door?

How long have you been together and are you married? What is the house situation?

SignYourName · 02/08/2014 08:49

I know what you mean OP - like you can't relax even when he's not there because you half-expect him to turn up any minute.

This would drive me round the bend. It IS controlling, it's needy and smothering. I think consciously or subconsciously he is projecting issues from his first wife's affair and now has the urge to check up on you to make sure history isn't repeating itself. He may not even have articulated that to himself or made the connection between his first marriage's breakdown and his current behaviour. (Then again of course, he might have...)

How long is he spending away from work each time? On average over the week? And what exactly is he "juggling"? Is he taking his lunch early / late, or is he telling his boss he's going to X place and coming home instead or as well? If I were his employer I'd be a bit pissed off that his attention was focused more on working out how to get home randomly to check on his wife than on his work.

I think you need to have a word with him and reiterate that this needs to stop. If he does still do the odd random pop-in, can you pretend to be just off out somewhere he can't accompany you to - smear test, leg waxing, going to see X friend who needs a shoulder to cry on - even if you just go for a coffee on your own or to do a bit of shopping. I know it's not great having to leave what you were doing and your own house but maybe a few wasted trips here he just has to turn round and head back to work again might help cure him?

SignYourName · 02/08/2014 08:51

where he just has to turn round...

FunkyBoldRibena · 02/08/2014 08:53

Leave the key in the lock so he can't open it, and then when you hear him, put your coat on and get your bag and say 'just popping out - see you later'.

Do it every time until he stops.

Or just fucking tell him!

SolidGoldBrass · 02/08/2014 09:42

TBH I'd be dumping him. It's making me itchy just to think about it.
Clinginess and neediness in a partner should never be indulged - if laughing at the partner doesn't make it stop they need dumping.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 02/08/2014 09:51

What happens if you're not home most of the day? If he "pops" home and you're out?

Original poster
thebluehen · 02/08/2014 10:09

He doesn't pop home if I'm not there. We've lived together for 4 years. I don't want to disclose his job but it's a get the job done as and when and he's a manager so as long as all is under control can use his time as he sees fit.

If I lock all the doors, he comes round the back and knocks on the window. If I go out, he'll wait til I get back.

Ironically I don't phone him during the day unless it's an emergency. I always ask if he's busy (could be in a meeting). He never phones me in work and if he texts he knows not to sometimes expect a reply for a few hours.

I know just being at home isn't as "important" but it's my time and space and it's important to me. We have a busy weekend life and if I get a home day, I just want some peace.

OP posts:
gingercat2 · 02/08/2014 10:12

It sounds really horrible :( There's not much that's more annoying than someone hovering watching you do something.

gingercat2 · 02/08/2014 10:20

I was going to suggest that you start setting limits subtley, eg giving a cheerful "hello" and a smile and then keeping on with what you were doing. Most reasonable people would get the hint. But it doesn't sound as if this will make a difference with him.

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