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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm feeling clingy and panicky and I hate it

48 replies

Ripetomato · 31/07/2014 20:26

Been seeing my BF for 6 months. All has been fine, treats me well ect. I don't understand why I'm worrying and am finding it hard to pinpoint exactly what I'm worrying about, possibly I'm overthinking things.
We don't see eachother every night and are now going to go two nights without seeing eachother.

I do work shifts so in actual fact am available this evening but not tomorrow but he's chosen to stay in and see me Saturday. I suppose I just feel if he was madly in love he would want to see me. We are not young and I don't want to waste time with someone if they're not really into me iyswim. I feel really down tonight and not sure why

OP posts:
superstarheartbreaker · 31/07/2014 20:30

I would stop overthinking this. He probably just wants to watch the footsie or something. You know you are being clingy and panicky and maybe he can sense this?
I get like this as I have abandonment issues that unfortunately ruin my relationships. I'm having counselling. Maybe you could try. Just try not to chance him ( hard I know when you really like someone).

superstarheartbreaker · 31/07/2014 20:31

The football even!

Original poster
Ripetomato · 31/07/2014 20:34

He phones me every night we don't see eachother but I'm getting to the point where I feel I want more and I would like to possibly live together. I worry he's had such a hassle responsibility free life, never married, no kids that he's never going to reach this stage. He's in his forties by the way

OP posts:
something2say · 31/07/2014 20:52

Six months is too soon to a) move in and b) need that much close contact... You can't just suddenly slot someone into your life in my view. You can't rush it. Remember your life before he came along? Well he's keeping his going alongside what he has with you. Where's your old life?m if none, that's what your problem is, not the man.... That's my take anyway xx

Original poster
Ripetomato · 31/07/2014 21:01

I understand what your saying something but actually whilst I agree 6 months usually is too soon to move in together it's not unheard of by any means, particularly when you reach our age, life is short.

On the other hand I hate feeling so dependant like I do this evening. I'm not always like this. To my mind if you are in love you want to be with that person a lot and most of the time. You don't just slot them in somewhere

OP posts:
something2say · 31/07/2014 21:05

Maybe he's different. People are different.

I met a man and it went from one day being by myself to the next him suddenly ringing all the time. Took me ages to get used to it and I liked the odd night off and weekend to myself.

People are different.

Anyway back to you! What are you going to do to cheer up tonight then? Whatever happens will happen, what else is going on? To distract yourself from the too early to know for dead cert six month blues?

Original poster
Ripetomato · 31/07/2014 21:11

Hopefully that's all it's is the six months blues :)
Tonight I thought I'd just come on here and see what others opinions were and hopefully have people talk some reason into me.

I just know at the start he was definately more into me than I was into him. Now I'm really into him and I'm scared. I'm also scared he's got used to me now and maybe isn't as keen

OP posts:
Metalgoddess · 31/07/2014 21:41

Trust your instincts always. Sorry but it sounds to me he isn't as into the relationship as you are.

Original poster
Ripetomato · 31/07/2014 21:53

Oh I didn't want to hear that. He was really into me, I felt it. But now I'm thinking he's not anymore. He's still talking about going on holiday again and when we reach being together a year. Now I'm wondering if he was just saying what I want to hear as men have a tendancy to do sometimes
I actually feel quite sick. It's taken me a while to properly fall for him and now I have I will be so hurt if he's cooling off

OP posts:
lifeissweet · 31/07/2014 22:03

There is no evidence here at all to suggest he's cooling off! You are jumping the gun and in danger of making this self-fulfilling by being panicky. Do you suffer from anxiety at all? I do. I get these feelings sometimes and I know they are irrational and I just have to ride them out.

Find something to do to distract yourself. Next time you see him you'll know from how he is with you that everything is ok.

holdyourown · 31/07/2014 22:04

don't panic! just shift the focus back onto your own life, maybe be a tiny bit less available, arrange a couple of nights out with your friends and that sort of thing.

you say he's 40s and never been married though - has he had serious relationships/ living together etc in that time or an eternal bachelor type?

lifeissweet · 31/07/2014 22:05

And I think what you're feeling is vulnerability. I reckon you've just fallen for him and realised what a scary place that is. If he was more into you than the other way round before there is some security in that state of affairs. This way round - far scarier.

Original poster
Ripetomato · 31/07/2014 22:05

Yes I do get anxious and I'm scared of rejection and getting hurt. I also don't truly believe someone when they say they love me. I think they are just saying the words but don't actually mean it

OP posts:
lifeissweet · 31/07/2014 22:08

Ok. This we can work with. I think the problem is in your head and not his heart (if that makes sense)

So...rather than focus on the one thing he has done to make you feel less secure (opting to stay in when he could have been with you) let's focus on what he has done to show you how he feels about you.

Tell me:

1 thing he has said recently to make you smile

1 thing he has done that has been thoughtful or considerate

1 thing he has said about your future

Original poster
Ripetomato · 31/07/2014 22:08

Yes he has lived with someone for about ten years prior to me. Been alone/ in short term relationships for last couple of years. He says he is the settling down type that it is circumstances as opposed to choice that he hasn't married

OP posts:
lifeissweet · 31/07/2014 22:12

Also - the first 6 months are scary for this reason. It's the most intense time and it's when the insecurities are heightened. In another 6 months you will be feeling more secure and a couple of days of not seeing each other will be less of a worry.

Jollyphonics · 31/07/2014 22:14

Google Madness "My Girl" first verse

Original poster
Ripetomato · 31/07/2014 22:15

To make me smile: calling me by his pet name for me
Thoughtful/considerate: pretty much everything. I can't think of many times he's been inconsiderate
The future: talking about getting me a much nicer valentine card next year than he did this year as it will be our one year anniversary

My problem is even that last thing I wrote about when he said it I thought he was just saying that because he knew I had it in my head that he wanted to end it

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 31/07/2014 22:16

Two nights apart is NOTHING. Have you recently been a lot more keen than you were at the start? did you recently go on holiday?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 31/07/2014 22:17

Read "The Rules" :)

lifeissweet · 31/07/2014 22:17

Which is in your head... Someone thinking of ending things doesn't usually talk about things in the future like that. Particularly things of that kind of a romantic nature

Where are your insecurities and fear or rejection coming from? Can you rationalise it?

Original poster
Ripetomato · 31/07/2014 22:23

I think I just never feel worthy possible due to my relationship with my mother. In a different sort of way I'm the same in work relationships and groups of friends and family

OP posts:
lifeissweet · 31/07/2014 22:31

Well - that's good (in that it's not good, it's terrible - but it's a rational reason)

So...looking at your current fit of anxiety. It sounds to me as though everything is going well. You are enjoying one another, he is into you and talking about things in the future.
Him bit seeing you tonight could be about a million different things - and I'm willing to bet it's not about not wanting to see you - just about also wanting to do something else - or be in his own for a bit...only he knows the reason. Don't read anything into that. You'll drive yourself mad.

You now need to know that you are worthy and that when he says he loves you he means it. Those a massive, scary words to say to someone. I know few who take that lightly at the beginning of a relationship.

What has he said attracted him to you? What does he compliment you on?

Original poster
Ripetomato · 31/07/2014 22:39

Well initially the way I look but then almost straight away we got on well. He said he likes it because he's very relaxed around me. We share a lot of laughs

He tells me I'm gorgeous, that I'm a lovely person. Hes pleased all his family like me. He tells me I'm a good cook ( not that I've cooked much for him)

OP posts:
lifeissweet · 31/07/2014 22:41

Good. All good. Do you believe him? And by that I don't necessarily mean agree with him, but do you believe he means those things?

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