I'm feeling clingy and panicky and I hate it

[Ripetomato]

Been seeing my BF for 6 months. All has been fine, treats me well ect. I don't understand why I'm worrying and am finding it hard to pinpoint exactly what I'm worrying about, possibly I'm overthinking things.
We don't see eachother every night and are now going to go two nights without seeing eachother.

I do work shifts so in actual fact am available this evening but not tomorrow but he's chosen to stay in and see me Saturday. I suppose I just feel if he was madly in love he would want to see me. We are not young and I don't want to waste time with someone if they're not really into me iyswim. I feel really down tonight and not sure why

Yes when I hear him say them I believe him. He's been reliable, so far anyway, he's not a sweet talker and he tries to please me not with words but actions. For example i was unhappy once with him dashing off early every morning at the weekend to the gym so he changed the time. He's also making an effort with something else I asked about this weekend.

There you go then! Is this helping at all? Can you begin to see that this is not him, but you having a vulnerable wobble? You are fine. You'll see him on Saturday and wonder why you were so worried.

Thank you lifeissweet I hope so. When I write all the nice stuff about him it does help, my mind counteracts it with a negative thought and a negative explanation for the things he says and does

Think I will get some sleep and hopefully feel more positive tomorrow

Well I've woken this morning with an underlying feeling that he wants someone because he's lonely and feels its time he was in a relationship. His brother who he was very close to met someone and married within a year so they no longer do all the things they used to do together and I'm feeling he's wanting a relationship for this reason, not because he's in love with me iyswim.

My previous relationship was certainly because I was used to a certain extent to get over / revenge for his wife cheating though it took me ages to see it. I want someone who's crazy about me and I'm scared this man isn't and that he's only really seeing me for other reasons

Well , one thing is a certainty and that that this needy and clingy behaviour will see him off before too long unless you can get a grip on it.

You're suffering from anxiety and I'd consider some counselling to explore the reasons around that. I don't actually think it's anything to do with this man , he sounds independent and self sufficient but you'd be like this with who ever he was

Don't , whatever you do , tell him how you feel. Neediness is really off putting and you must stop over thinking all of this and seek some help before he picks up on it.

Can't you just send him a breezy good morning text and take it from there ? Might help

Just relax and take it for what it is one day at a time, the poor bloke has given you no reason to doubt him or his intentions has he?

When I first was with hubs I was terribly terribly insecure like you are now, god knows why he stuck with me as I pushed him away to limits most men would have fucked off, however he didn't.

I know you've been hurt before but not all men are the same, usually what a man says is what he means so if he's saying to you shall we go away next year I'd read that as he has no issues over if you will be together in a years time, if however he said if we are still together in a year shall we go away I think there would potentially be a reason for your insecurities, but honestly cut the guy and yourself some slack.

I agree with the poster before who said about it being full on, hubs would text and ring constantly when first together so much so it was nice to have a night or twos peace! It settles down after about 6 months once you both relax together after all no relationship can sustain the intensity that it the honeymoon lusting stage forever.

To my mind if you are in love you want to be with that person a lot and most of the time

No no no. People need to maintain their own lives, even, to a certain extent, when living together/married. He is perfectly entitled to a night by himself. No matter how in love I might be I will always need time alone, some people are just like that. Perhaps you're an extrovert and he is an introvert?

We are both more introvert than extrovert and slightly on the shy side.
I haven't voiced any of this and I've tried not to show it either. I certainly haven't said I want to see him every night.
He text me last night to say goodnight but I had turned off my phone as I knew I was at risk of becoming moany towards him. So I obviously didn't text back yet there's been nothing else from him yet this morning

You are focusing on your own insecurities and ignoring his perfectly normal caring and loving actions towards you. This is not a criticism, just a statement of fact.

He has given you no reason to doubt him.

Looking at this another way, it is slightly unfair of you to be dismissing his feelings as being the result of loneliness or feeling left behind. Imagine if this was happening the other way round - you have made yourself vulnerable and told him how you feel and shown him in lots of ways that you like him and want to be with him - and then he says 'you're only with me because you don't want to be alone' Would you find that hurtful? After all, you did nothing to make him feel like that. You have nothing but be open with your feelings.

I know you won't say anything to him, but really you do need to get this sorted out in your own mind. He likes you. He likes you enough to be thinking about you before he goes to sleep. I dare say he'll send a good morning message pretty soon. He is acting like a loving boyfriend, so why doubt him?

You are worthy of this. There is no reason other than he likes YOU and wants to be with YOU. IME men who are in a relationship for the wrong reasons do not behave like the man you describe. Believe it. Please! Before you push him away for fear of getting hurt.

Thank you lifeissweet you seem to be able to stop me in my tracks from thinking these things when I read your replies. Then I start overthinking again and back it comes, guess I will have to keep re-reading your posts

I'm going to be blunt. You are over thinking this and you will spoil what you have if you don't address your anxiety. Read your posts again...the poor bloke can't win! You want to be with him but now you think he only wants to be with you cos he's lonely, he says nice things but you don't believe him, you ask him to change his arrangements .. And he does but it's still not enough! Having said that, I don't think talking about next years Valentines card is a big sign of commitment, but that may be just his way. But if I were him I'd be thinking your neediness is a bit of a red flag. I'm not saying this to be mean, this is just my perspective

I know I'm overthinking but I suppose I'm concerned that something has triggered this that I'm not consciously aware of. I mentioned the valentine card because it was something he'd talked about that was somewhere in the future not because I think it's a sign of commitment

He hasn't really said where he sees us heading tbh. He said how happy he is probably the happiest he's been and how relaxed he is and tells me he loves me. We were at his brothers wedding and people were saying It'l be you two next ( I so wish people wouldn't do that) and neither of us said much. We either laughed or I think one time I just shook my head and sort of said no. But all the time I was scared to look at him because I imagined in my mind that he was adamantly thinking no way

Read everything you have written back. I don't know you or him, but despite what you feel about this relationship and his intentions, the descriptions you are giving of him and his behaviour and the things he says scream out that he loves you and wants to be with you. No, you can't get him to promise you the a world right now - or promise you a rosy future - it is just too soon. But he's happy and telling you so. Not just that, but happier than he's ever been! That is a ringing endorsement - and not something someone says if they feel half-hearted or unsure. He doesn't have to say and do these things. He chooses to.

Read it back. Read it back again and show me where you are getting the idea that he's not that into you? Because as an outsider I'm not seeing that at all!

And I think that what has triggered it comes from you - it is you realising that he can really hurt you because you are emotionally attached and vulnerable. It is not him.

Ripetomato.

You are doing fine. Keep going. No alarm bells here.

Good news:- it's just panicking because you like him and the relationship so much you are frightened it will be taken off you. Good news- you recognise your feelings and recognise the symptons.

Bad news: you're over-thinking it and getting your knickers in a twist.

He likes you. You are enough just as you are. No need to check with him.

Sometimes men need a night off from girls so they fart and scratch their balls and process what's going on.

We either laughed or I think one time I just shook my head and sort of said no. But all the time I was scared to look at him because I imagined in my mind that he was adamantly thinking no way

Don't over do it- he might feel the same way as you!

I agree with Miss Battleaxe. Those sorts of comments are always difficult to handle in a new relationship. You are both going to look straight at the floors a scared at what the other is thinking... It's just natural. You haven't had that conversation and it's very possible that you both want that to happen one day, but don't want to scare the other by mentioning it. Don't go overthinking that!

Also - keep posting when you feel insecure. We can try to reassure you and make you look more objectively and it won't damage your relationship by being needy in his direction.

Try to enjoy it. I know it's scary, but lots of people would be thrilled to have a relationship like this. This is supposed to be the exciting bit!

I think I'm very very scared to put myself in a vulnerable position. A few weeks ago we were chatting about someone famous can't remember who and he said " if I had his money would you marry me? " I made a joke and laughed and said " of course but you haven't got his money"

Now he was probably joking but part of me thought he might be sounding me out so I took the position of brush him off as a defence mechanism. I could have said " aw well you know me money doesn't really matter to me" I'm only saying this to illustrate how I come from a place of defence most of the time

Thank you so much for helping me btw

No trouble. That's what this site is best for. And I have felt everything you're feeling and it's terrifying. It's just to easy to slip into a cycle of pushing someone away or being defensive to stop yourself being hurt - or in some way to make them reassure you and try harder (not consciously. Not in a manipulative way, but I think it's quite common for people to do that) and it's good to have a different outlet so that you can at least pretend to be relaxed about things to your boyfriend. Because this will work, or it won't, but worrying about it will make no difference other than stop you from enjoying each other.

Of course, asking someone anxious to 'stop worrying' is a pointless piece of advice. You can worry and over-think, but do it on here.

I would also add that I have learned this the hard way. My DP got the other side of my insecurity early on - in a similar way, He liked me first - liked me for years. I fell for him hard a bit later and suddenly I felt really scared and vulnerable and I started doing silly little things to reassure myself - just things like not replying to his messages to see if he noticed (mad. I know) or behaving defensively. It came to a head one night and it wasn't pretty. We both have children. It is a juggling act and until we move in together (which we are doing in a couple of months) we don't see each other for days sometimes. He likes to tease me. He always wants to see me, but when I ask whether he's coming round he always says 'maybe...' Just to wind me up. One night he did just that...and then didn't come round. And I didn't behave particularly well about it. I was annoyed with him and hurt that he'd chosen not to come over (for the first time ever!) and it all went a bit wrong. He started thinking and decided that I had been manipulating him and playing with his feelings (which I had - in the way I've mentioned - just out of self-preservation). His ex-wife was manipulative in a more malicious way and he got the fear. He decided that if I was going to manipulate him like she did then he couldn't be with me.

Luckily, we talked it through and I explained where it was coming from. We are stronger than ever and far more secure now. But I nearly ruined something wonderful by being insecure and clingy. I will not make that mistake again and I implore you not to so that either.

Everything that comes next is meant in the nicest and most constructive way possible because I know exactly how you feel and used to torture myself in the exact same self-fulfilling way. (1) Get. Off. Mumsnet. (2) Call a friend, go out for a drink, go for a walk, a run, a swim, a work out, whatever. When you talk to him next, tell him brightly about the lovely evening you had. Full stop. It's all in your head, but you will ruin it for real by being clingy, mopey and miserable about time spent apart. Good luck, you can do this!!

Men don't even joke about marriage if they are not serious about you.