Can I ask if anyone was brought up by family after losing their parents?

[fairlyliquid]

I just wondered what it feels like to be brought up in the extended family and whether you felt loved. And if you didn't, what was that like.

I have personal experience of this myself by the way.

to all those who have experience of this.

wifeandstepmum's words here stand out:

'I probably wasn't very grateful at the time for what my family did to me, my focus was just on getting through stuff and trying to get what I could to make life feel ok and make it feel like I was still in charge of my own destiny somehow.'

• OP, imvho that might be of use to you as you deal with your situation and your nephew. You sound as if you are doing a great job. And well done, especially, on not letting the way your DH has utterly failed you - shame on him, weak man - affect how you've handled all this.

to very specifically answer your question. I felt loved. I felt my uncle and aunt showed me love in a practical way, but deep down I just wanted my parents back (unreasonable and impossible but that was what I wanted). The love they showed me was different to the love I thought I could have had from mum. because I had dis-attached myself from my emotions somewhat I didn't really myself know how to show love and receive love. DH has had to help me with that....! Have you worked out your families love languages? We all give and receive and show love in such different ways - do you know how your nephew can connect best with love (gifts, touch, being told, blah blah blah). my family showed me love by being really practical and doing things for me, and I wanted a massive hug.

Hang in there what ever you are doing is better than not doing it and yes as Maryz says, that includes yelling as thats such a normal thing - and normal in your nephews situation is good!

My dad was raised by his grandmother and step grandfather.

His parents divorced in the late 1940s, and his mum left him with his dad. As a single dad, in post war britain, there wasn't much my grandad could do except leave him with his mum (my great gran)

They took him in, (step grandfather rather grudgingly) and my dad knows he was lucky not to end up a Barnados kid - and likely shipped to Australia or something.
They had no other extended family and he lost touch with his dad who remarried.

He joined the military at 15, and the same day his gran threw out everything of his as "he no longer lives here"
He has no photos or any momentos of his childhood at all.

His gran died when he was 22.

He reunited briefly with his dad before he died in the late 1970s, who dropped the bombshell on my dad that he had a sister - a newborn who his mum had taken when she left my dad and grandad. Dad had no recollection of her at all.

Dad did track them down, his mum had passed away, and his sister is living overseas with three children and several grandchildren. She had never known about my dad and was never told why the marriage had broken down. It must have taken a lot for a woman with a newborn and a toddler to leave a marriage in those days.

We could be on Long Lost Family.

My dad is now very nearly 70, and they way he was brought up has shaped him. He is instantly recognisable as ex-military - they became his family. He is a fantastic dad to me and my sister- he was intensely aware we were his only blood relatives for a long while. He has five grandchildren and would walk over coals for them. He spends time with them, tells them stories, fixes stuff for them. I'm so glad they look like him.
On a more quirky side - one of his hobbies in trawling ebay and toy fairs for toys and books he had a child.

Oh, and when the house he lived in with his gran was for sale- he bought it. I'm sat in the living room right now. After a military life with a move every few years, he came full circle.
Psychologists- make of that what you will!

Wifeandstepmum that must have been really terrible, to deal with your grief in that way. I do think DN must feel a bit cut-off from love. His GM loves him very much, I suppose she is far nearer to a mother figure than I am. It's very regrettable that she didn't get him counselling when he was small - it's never going to happen now in his teens, but he may come to it when he's an adult. I would also have talked a lot about his mother because she did actually have him for his first year and was very loving - that shouldn't be brushed aside.

I don't know about the love languages. I have never thought that DN wanted me to hug him. He was tactile with DH before he got all teenage and before we had to set down all the boundaries and the sanctions and force him to do things he didn't want to do (like, go to school, eat properly, etc). That's when he started to really resent us and when DH became estranged. Maybe new things can emerge over the next couple of years as he becomes more mature.

Thanks you fatowl too. What terrible decisions people had to make. The image of him buying his childhood home is definitely enough for at least a short story

If I understand correctly, you have gone straight into parenting a teenager, without building up any parenting experience or intimate familiarity with the child.

Parenting a teenager when they have grown up with you is tough enough, but to come into it with no previous experience and no real shared background must be incredibly hard.

You have clearly been doing an awesome job.

FWIW, all of the thoughtless, smirking, challenging behaviour, as well as the discrepancy between school behaviour and home behaviour, is completely normal for a teen. My 13yo does exactly what you describe your teen doing. It is practically and emotionally exhausting.

I would not presume to advise you, as I have no experience of adoption or shared upbringing, but I want to reassure you that this behaviour is not necessarily anything to do with his or your background challenges. It is normal and intensely frustrating teen behaviour.

I remember you from before too.

My teen DSs are not always huggy but we do this weird handshake thing that means I can grab a hug too if I'm feeling pushy, can be useful!

Youngminds have a good website for kids to get ideas about working out why they feel what they feel. Would DN like that?

Also, get a better hiding place for your chocolate!!!

Thanks, it's good to know the smirking isn't personal - I suppose it's their attempt at face-saving, so maybe next time I will endeavour to ignore. As Confucious said 'build your enemies a golden bridge to retreat across'

I find all your posts really touching and full of compassion and empathy. From an outside view, I think it sounds like you are doing an amazing job, and you obviously care very deeply. Your relationship might not be that of mother and child, but you will be the most important thing in that boy's life. He will always remain attached toyou. Re the hugging thing, I second just starting off with pats, and then moving to hugs. I did this with my dss.

As for the chocolate, one of ours ate some Mother's Day chocolate I had bought for Mil. Not all of it, just opened the box and took one or 2 out, despite the fact it said Happy Mother's Day all over it

I find you care for this boy really moving

build your enemies a golden bridge to retreat across

good one!

Even better than "Don't sweat the small stuff". Trouble with that one is (a) working out exactly what is small, and (b) coping with the barrage of small stuff that adds up to a bloody ENORMOUS total.

BTW my teen loves a back-scratch. It's a good way of showing intimate, physical, affection - without getting too intimate and too in-your-face-close-up.

Just wondering if you are putting your female interpretation onto DH's and DN's relationship. Perhaps if they don't share an interest it is quite normal for them not to spend much time together.

I also read that men believe that providing a home and financial support is caring for their family and showing their love (in Men are from Mars but it did make me think).

He possibly smirked at the stolen chocolate issue as he was embarrassed at being caught out, no way would he think he was sposed to have it. I was a sugar fiend and would pinch more than my share when young but would spin some excuse to get out of blame, which is equally annoying.

And there can be changes in a DF /DS relationship as DSs become adult. Sometimes a bit of rivalry. Maybe that is part of what you see as a problem.

He sounds a great boy who will become a great adult.

Looking after teenagers is hard, as the poster says above. Going into it without having looked after the kid for the first 13 years is even harder. Teens are stroppy enough even without bereavement, family breakdown, etc. It's going to be damn hard work.

My father's whole family (mother, father, sister) were killed in a car crash when he was 11. He wasn't in the car. An aunt and uncle who couldn't be bothered with a stroppy, traumatised 11 year old became his guardians and sent him away to prep school, then public school. They were generous with himf financially, but they considered him a bloody nuisance, and school holidays were an ordeal for everybody.

Dad turned into a bit of a nightmare adult, divorced 3 times, absentee father, etc. Knowing his uncle and aunt, though, I think he could've turned out even worse. Interestingly enough, when he was dying, he insisted that his aunt and uncle be mentioned nowhere in his obituary. Just his parents, late sister, kids, and grandkids.

Basically, don't treat the kid as though you're doing him a favour by taking care of him, and don't demand his conspicuous gratitude. If you avoid doing those things, and treat him as best you can, it'll probably turn out alright in the end. Will still be a lot of hard work, of course. See above re: teenagers. Good luck.

Blood is thicker than water
but
Love is thicker than blood.

I think you've done an amazing thing, and even if it's tough now, your DN will understand what you've done for him in later years.

You say he enjoys fluffy duvets, carpets etc. Do you think that might be how he satisfies his needs for cuddles? I know when DS went off to uni I bought him a cuddly blanket (and had the life taken out of me for it!!!), but I know he loved cuddling it. Just wondered if by getting him stuff like that, you are in effect giving him the hugs he needs. Ignore me if I'm talking rubbish!

Thanks for all your kind posts. dozie i do think that I want DH to be another me with DN, when in fact that's not necessary. The therapist stressed that you can have different roles, i.e. one more emotional, the other a harder taskmaster. It's just hard being around someone so emotionally needs. I read Chiana's post with a heavy heart. DN could quite easily say in the future that we didn't really want him around - I wouldn't be surprised. Your DF's aunt and uncle brought him up when many wouldn't yet he never understood their side of things at all.

Please don't take my post too much to heart, fairlyliquid. It sounds like you're doing a great job. I didn't go into too much detail in my first reply, because this post was supposed to be about you, but my great aunt and great uncle had a lot of other issues beyond my dad's perception that they didn't want him around. They were both alcoholics, for one thing. I met both of them when I was younger (both now deceased), and they were extremely dysfunctional people, quite apart from being heavy drinkers.

Their own children turned out just as dysfunctional as my dad was, despite still having two parents. My DM is no great fan of my dad (they split when I was 2), but even she described his childhood as emotionally Dickensian. When they were engaged, he took her to meet his aunt and uncle, and they launched into a long tirade about his ingratitude for everything they'd done for him.

So unless you're a secret alcoholic and you're reminding DN on a regular basis that he should be oh-so-grateful to you for taking him in, your and DN's situation probably doesn't have much in common with my dad's situation. You don't sound like you're either of those things. Your concern and love for DN are obvious. Kids pick up on these things.

Thanks Chiana - that does sound very different to our set-up! Unless you count the stiff 6pm G&T . We always include DN and respect his right to live with us - definitely no gratitude required.

My grandparents adopted me after mum died when I was 7. My parents divorced when I was a baby and I've never had a relationship with him. He turned me down when I contacted him at 18.
I felt very loved and secure as a child and it wasn't until I got older that I realised the gap in my life where my mum should be. This was most prominent when I had my own child.

On occasion, the 6 pm G&T is mandatory. It's medicinal, and keeps one from murdering the DC when they are being particularly difficult.

Seriously, though, you sound like you're doing a great job under difficult circumstances. Hang in there.