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Original poster

Moving in with new partner, what is best for my dd?

36 replies

BabySham82 · 29/07/2014 23:59

I live in a rural village with my three year old daughter. I'm self employed and work from home mostly or the odd day anywhere within a 50 mile radius. I moved here when I separated from DD's father because it is close to family. It's also within the catchment area to a very good school Id hoped to send her to next year.

I've been in a relationship with a wonderful man for a year. We love each other and want a future together. He lives in a city about 40 minutes away. He has a daughter the same age as mine and has a job with a fair amount of responsibility in the city and he works long hours.

I lived in this city myself until 2008. I love that place and have always gone back lots to visit friends, do cultural things and also work.

DP and I want to move in together. And hopefully have children together but the question of where we settle is an issue. There isn't really anywhere in between our two homes we would want to live. It's his city or my village.

He is a city boy through and through. He will consider moving in with me but I know he doesn't want to leave his area really.

If it was just me, I would move there tomorrow. I love the place. But I wonder if it is fair to uproot DD. The school wouldn't be as good as the one here. I feel the rural lifestyle is good for her. Her father would be angry if I moved there because of the accent she would probably develop (ridiculous I'm even giving that headspace I know, he's an idiot!!) also we would be further from my family and I wouldn't have their support as readily if we were to have more children.

I feel I want to move there but I think I shouldn't and I wonder if I should be staying put for the sake of my daughter? I want to do what is right for her and not be blinded by what I want to do with my love-life!

I'd love some unbiased opinions

Thanks

OP posts:
mumblechum1 · 30/07/2014 00:03

40 minutes is irrelevant, surely? You will still be extremely close to your friends and so close that you can visit the rural area just for a walk and pub lunch at the drop of a hat, as well as being able to very easily take your dd back for some rural living several times a week even when she's at school.

I don't really see that sort of travel time any issue at all tbh

Original poster
BabySham82 · 30/07/2014 00:05

Thanks, I see your points. How important do you think the school issue is? My DM tells me it's madness to consider leaving an area where I know she'd get into a great school

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 30/07/2014 00:08

Can't she go to the same school as the other girl?

mumblechum1 · 30/07/2014 00:09

Re the school issue, primaries are much of a muchness despite all the angst you see on Mumsnet IMO

Original poster
BabySham82 · 30/07/2014 00:20

Probably not loving, Dps daughter lives mostly with her mum in a different area of the city

I also need to consider the fact DDs dad currently lives a 10 minute drive away and he will be very concerned us moving out of the area would make access more difficult. I'd do my best to make sure it didn't of course

OP posts:
FrankSaysNo · 30/07/2014 07:07

Schools go in cycles. Just because it is good or outstanding now doesn't mean it will be in the same position in three, five, seven years. Also, you might find it isn't suitable for your daughter; have you actually visited the school? You might not like it's vibe.

When you say 40 minutes, what does that really translate to? 40 minutes for me could be 35 miles (driving, A roads) or 5 miles (across town, heavy traffic B roads) or London-Coast by train. Depending on what 40 minutes actually means you aren't going to be driving 30 miles for a pub lunch and some walking nor have the time to take your daughter back several times a week for some rural living either. It will phase out and become laborious.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/07/2014 07:10

Shall I be the one to say a year is far too quick to be moving in together and uprooting your DD's whole life?

jaynebxl · 30/07/2014 07:13

40 mins is nothing. Is the accent in that ahort distance really so different? Personally I'd go for the village and the nice school. Would your dp have to do that 40 min commute every day?

Davidtennantmistress · 30/07/2014 07:28

Bit, that's a little unfair, after a year with dp I was expecting our son, four months gone so you shouldn't put a time frame on things, another four years on and we're expecting no 2

That said though, I moved out of my chosen area (a 2 mile wide village at its largest point) to a house 2 miles up the road, it was horrible, too far from my parents and the familiarity for ds1, he was 5, didn't help that he remained in the same school and I had to do a two hour round bus trip to get him to school each time.

We moved back to the area, then out again and have more recently moved back for a final move.

I know for me personally I like the village we live in, I can walk to all amenities and my family/friends support network is on hand at the drop of a hat. Also the school ds1 is in is fantastic and ds2 will attend, (god help the head master!) Dp moved with me because he understands it more important for me to be secure, so I'd say the same to you,

You've already upheaved dd once, and resecured yourselves, after being vulnerable when your x left, do should move in with you so you have the secure base around you should the worst happen it's minimal distruption to your dd and you know you can cope regardless, at least that now is in the back of my mind, if dp leaves me and the kids are secure in our home.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/07/2014 07:31

In my opinion, when there are existing children involved, a year is too soon. The fact that the op knows this move would turn her DD's life upsidedown and potentially affect her education reinforces that opinion. Like I say though, just my opinion.

FrankSaysNo · 30/07/2014 07:33

I don't think the child should be uprooted.

Lovingfreedom · 30/07/2014 07:36

Ah so his DD doesn't live with him so she could visit him somewhere else? Stay where you are then and let him move to you. If he loves you that much he won't ask you to put your DD through all that disruption.

bberry · 30/07/2014 07:40

40 mins is not much... Is that train/car/door to door to work for dp?

I would say that he should move to you to minimise disruption for your child.... If all goes well then in the future you could all move to the city together if you still wanted to....

pictish · 30/07/2014 07:50

I'm another who thinks a year is too soon, and that your daughter should not be uprooted for this man (yet).

She has already had to endure a move, owing to relationship issues, and now she faces another for the new man.

I think that a year in, is a bit hasty to turn everything upside down for her again. Sorry.

pictish · 30/07/2014 07:52

Although to be fair...at three...she is unlikely to remember much of it at all.

GoneGirlGone · 30/07/2014 08:01

Definitely too soon for a change like this. There are too many posts on Mumsnet about women who have made significant change in their lives and put their children through major upheaval all too soon, with very negative results.

Ragwort · 30/07/2014 08:07

Agree with Bit and others, it is far too soon to consider uprooting your DD again, can't you just carry on 'dating' your boyfriend - your DD has had so many changes in her short life already and to consider moving her again, leaving extended family and having to learn to live with a new 'father figure' is all too much (IMO).

Original poster
BabySham82 · 30/07/2014 08:53

Ok, sorry for the drip feed, I should have said it's actually not planned for a while yet. We have planned for DP to move in with me after Christmas for six months before moving into a new house all together. So by the time any move took place, we'd have been together for two years and it would also be a couple of months before she started school.

IDP would stay here with me although it wouldn't be his preference. Personally, I would love to live where he does and would be there already if I didn't have DD.

I don't want to sound like I have an answer for everything though and I am determined to move at all costs. I will not do it if it is not right for her.

OP posts:
temporarilyjerry · 30/07/2014 08:54

If things don't work out (sorry to be negative), it would be easier for him to move back to the city than for you to uproot your DD to return to your village.

Also, don't underestimate the support of having your family nearby.

HumblePieMonster · 30/07/2014 09:05

I never understand why people imagine its a good idea to introduce another adult into the family, so I'd say, 'don't move in with him'. Put your dd first and have your partner on the side.

I'm quite aware that most people don't agree with me.

But imagine, your child goes to nursery, gets fond of another small person, brings them home and you're expected to absorb them into your life, like it or not. And then, your child gives the new family member authority over you. Makes that person more important in her life than you are. How might you feel about that?

The 'this is my new man, he lives here now and he's boss of you' attitude always puzzles me.

higgle · 30/07/2014 09:16

It would be easier if we knew the area you are talking about but in the greater scheme of things 40 minutes travel is no time at all, so the travelling should not really be a big factor in your decision. You and our partner are looking at building a family together and for most of us, longer term, families tend to prefer living in the country. As your daughter is settled where you are then I think you would all be best off longer term living in your present village or nearby. Your DP would have a 40 minute commute - which is not that long, even my friends in London who go by tube take 30 minutes door to door.

I don't see anything wrong with a year, a year is quite a long time and if you know what you want and go for it it avoids the strain of dithering which is not good for relationships.

Original poster
BabySham82 · 30/07/2014 09:19

I hate the idea of forcing someone on DD and would never do that. I introduced them four months ago and since then we have spent time together as a three and also as a four. DD is really fond of both of them.

I don't want to rush things and we have already talked about how we would face issues regarding discipline in regards to our own children.

He wouldn't become more important in my life then she is. No one ever will. If she were to have siblings, they would equal her obviously but don't most children face that?

OP posts:
MirandaWest · 30/07/2014 09:23

If you are moving near to when your DD starts school remember to think about allocation of places. Am presuming she'll be starting next September - so you'd need to apply by January 15th next year. Depending on the area involved there might be spare places if you move after that but you might find yourself having to take any available space, which might not be what you want.

I agree that every situation is different, but I'd agree that moving in with each other quickly isn't necessarily the best thing to do for everyone. But I've been with my bf for two years and due to schools for my DC I can't see us living together for about another 3 years. This does seem a bit too long in some ways though :)

Original poster
BabySham82 · 30/07/2014 09:24

I suppose the only time the travelling would be an issue would be I wouldn't be able to just pop into my mums. She wouldn't be able to pick DD up from nursery or school in an emergency and also it would make things more awkward for DDs dad.

These are definitely the things that make me think it would be better to be here

OP posts:
Original poster
BabySham82 · 30/07/2014 09:26

Yes miranda that's one reason were looking at the timescale we are because I have said once DD starts school I am not moving anywhere so if we were to look at going over there it's next year or never in my eyes

OP posts:
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