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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So thats it all done

31 replies

Allbymyselfagain · 29/07/2014 23:36

Name changed as my past posts were full of so much hope for us. I'm feel sick.
Once again i am single. It's all over. Not been a great couple of years but i thought we had finally turned a corner and were working on our relationship and going to be happy again. But no tonight one wrong comment and its exploded.
Screaming row, in each other's faces, him daring me to hit him(where did that come from I've never hit anyone) raising his hand to me. And all the anger and accusations have been thrown at me again. Everything is my fault.
Weve had rows before but this time it's done. Thankfully not married and no kids but how do i separate my life from his. I'm in so much debt trying to keep our heads afloat I'm going to have to move in my with parents whilst i try sort this mess out.
Every relationship i have goes like this, they even last about the same amount of time, 4 years. It must be me im the common factor in all this.
Please tell me its going to be ok. Everyone else is asleep i cant call anyone.

OP posts:
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 29/07/2014 23:39

Of course it'll be ok all Smile You can get past this. WRT you being the common factor, I thought this about myself, then realised it was actually the fact that I picked knob head blokes. It wasn't me being the antagonist, it was my inability to spot a wanker. If that makes sense.

Original poster
Allbymyselfagain · 29/07/2014 23:56

Thanks. Trying to look at rentals, storage, costs, work out what is who's. There's just so much to deal with. How do i stop picking idiots? They always seem so nice at the start.

OP posts:
puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE · 30/07/2014 00:06

Well, this may not sound reassuring, but I still haven't dated since I split up with Ex 2years ago as I still don't trust myself to make a good choice. I believe that by working on my self confidence and becoming more independent and self sufficient I will eventually be able to spot the wankers. MN is also really good at pointing out twatty behaviour, Ive learnt a lot from this site Grin

Don't worry, one day you'll find someone who treats you how you deserve to be treated. Until then get to know yourself, work on your confidence and read up on what good relationships consist of.

Jan45 · 30/07/2014 12:56

The relationship probably wasn't right from the off but you've stayed and tried and tried to make it work, we all have different tolerance, you've just reached yours, for the best as you know.

Original poster
Allbymyselfagain · 30/07/2014 13:25

Done notice on house and now looking at where to move to. Realised I have no idea where to go. I have no friends round here and my family are over an hour away.
Spoke to my mum this morning she didn't seem impressed so I don't know what to make of that reaction.
Spoke to my boss my holiday has all been cancelled and rearranged so don't have to worry about that now.
Still feel like shit. Got upset this morning as normally mid week we go for a drink down the local to celebrate half way through working week. It's stupid but who am I going to do that with now?
Sorry definately still rambling today. Finding it hard to focus on anything for more than 5 minutes

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/07/2014 13:38

Sorry you're having such a bad time. You mentioned debts originally. Twattish blokes you can't do very much about but finances can be resolved with help . Would it be worth talking to CAB, going through the various debts and seeing if you can get that side of things under control?

Agreeing with a PP, it's those 'who am I going to that with?' gaps that can lead you into another bad relationship if you don't fill that time with other things. Loneliness doesn't make for good decisions when it comes to partners. Fear of loneliness means you probably stick with bad partners long past their sell-by.

So throw yourself into getting finances and accommodation (if your parents aren't keen) sorted out as priority and then, when the dust has settled, work on creating a social life to make the most of your independent status.

Jan45 · 30/07/2014 14:09

You will never win with a person who blames you for everything, it wont change.

You will soon find plenty folk to have a mid week drink with, just give yourself that time to build up a better life first.

Your mum might not be impressed initially but she will soon come round and support your decisions.

HumblePieMonster · 30/07/2014 14:45

Quite right to call it a day. Its a blessing you aren't married. How do your parents feel about having you back? Parents are allowed to say 'no', you know.

You'll get over this. The debt will need sorting out but you can do that. You'll be stronger, wiser and more resilient afterwards, but if you need to cry and wail in the meantime, don't be ashamed of it. Everyone has hopes and dreams for their relationships, and sometimes they don't work out.

Mum4Fergus · 30/07/2014 16:38

Forget about the why's and what for's in terms of your choice of man...concentrate on you, and on getting yourself sorted for timebeing x

Bogeyface · 30/07/2014 18:07

He was goading you to hit him and raised his hand at you? Sounded like he wanted to belt you one but wanted you to hit him first on the basis that whatever he did after that "She started it".

You are well rid.

Original poster
Allbymyselfagain · 30/07/2014 20:08

Thanks everyone. Problem right now is can't physically stop myself crying. I've been going for a hour. How do i stop! Hes still in the house and i dont want to give him the satisfaction

He told me tonight he was relieved we were finished.

OP posts:
Mum4Fergus · 30/07/2014 23:49

Is there someone you could stay with temporary? Or can he go somewhere?

UnlikelyAmazonian · 31/07/2014 00:43

How you doing op? Who can you call for a chat to help you out right at this moment? Do you have a best mate or family member?

It doesn't matter about crying. Do stay safe though - if your P has raised his hand etc. Keep posting if you think it will help.

I have been right through the shitty end of the shitty stick, then back through it, shittier stick an' all, then backwards even MORE through the shittiest back-shitty alley of shitsville. So I reckon I can offer some scraps of advice as to how to improve things. Fuck it, even how to have a magnificent life again!

Mum4Fergus · 31/07/2014 08:08

How are you OP?

Original poster
Allbymyselfagain · 31/07/2014 09:28

Thank you ladies I'm feeling a bit better today. When I'm away from him I can see him for the twat he is.bogey I think that's it he definately was pushing me to lash out.

mum we've both arranged to be away this weekend so hopefully that will help. I feel ok when I am out of the house it when we are both there I feel I have to be polite.

unlikely please if you feel able tell me your story. How magnificent is your new life. Right now I feel like I'll never feel normal again. Haven't really got anyone I can call. I'm a bit of a loner so it's a couple of friends and my mum really. I had more friends through him than I do my own!

Today I'm feeling a bit more hopeful. I've had a look and houses in my price range come up fairly often. He told me last night he can't afford rent again this month so I'll have to pay that again. Cousin offered to lend me some money last night and offered me a bed if I need it

I can't wait to have my own place without his dirty everything laying around!

OP posts:
Mum4Fergus · 31/07/2014 10:19

I'd be asking him to leave if he can't pay his way...but that's me!

Glad you're feeling better, and great that you are making plans x

Original poster
Allbymyselfagain · 31/07/2014 12:13

mum I'm going to keep all of our deposit. Works out about the same. I'm beginning to realise he was a bit of a cocklodger.

My mum has just called and asked if I want to move home and save for a deposit. Can a 31 year old woman really move back in with her parents? I feel abut rubbish about it but it would help me purchase my new home quicker...

He such a stupid arse I wouldn't have to make any of these decisions if he hadn't been such a twat

OP posts:
Jan45 · 31/07/2014 12:16

Yes of course a 31 young woman can move back in with mum, it would only be temporary, you might even enjoy the company!

hellsbellsmelons · 31/07/2014 12:22

Of course you can move back in with your mum at 31.
Nothing wrong with that.
Life throws us curve balls and we have to deal with them as best we can.
If it means you can save for a deposit and get your life back on track faster then it's really a no brainer.

He's sounds like a twat TBF.
You'll do fine without him.

And sometimes the tears don't stop for ages and ages.
You can't seem to cry yourself 'dry'. They can just keep coming.
Cry when you need to.
Look after yourself. Eat and drink. Keep your sugar levels up and stay hydrated.

Mum4Fergus · 31/07/2014 12:29

I moved back to Mum n Dads at 34! Of course you can...the money saving aside you'll benefit from the emotional support too x

Original poster
Allbymyselfagain · 31/07/2014 22:26

I don't believe it. He's trying to make me feel guilty again. It's my fault he is going to be homeless and unemployed at the end of the month because he doesn't have the money to put down a deposit on a room near where he works and he hasn't got any family around that he can stay with. So now he's having to try and get a loan from work or his parents to put down on a house! And I'm such a pathetic moron I actually am sat here feeling bad for him! I'm actually trying not to stop myself looking for houses for him!

OP posts:
RonneandFrankie · 01/08/2014 01:52

He's a grown man. It might be tricky, but he will find somewhere to stay.
What does he expect you to do? Pay the rent where he's staying while you move back to your parents' and try to put money away for a place of your own? No.

Your main focus is you. (hugs)

HumblePieMonster · 01/08/2014 02:02

Don't feel bad for him. He doesn't feel bad for you.

MorphineDreams · 01/08/2014 03:27

Here for you x

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 01/08/2014 07:55

He's trying to manipulate you into giving him the money. Don't fall for it.

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