My dp and my mother...am I overreacting?

[xmasbaby2014]

I have been with dp for a year. I have 2 dcs from my marriage, he has 3 dcs. I am pregnant with our first together, due in December. I knew dp years ago when I was growing up, we lived in the same town but he was 9 years older than me. We went on one date about 12 years ago but then met and married other people. We got together last year after both of our marriages ended.

My relationship with my mum has never been great. She drank a lot when my brother and I were young. My dad worked nights and she was out most nights in the pub while he was working. She's a toxic narcissistic person and I don't have much to do with her although we live about 5 mins apart.

Last week my dp sat me down and told me that about 18 years ago he slept with my mother. (I'd have been a young teen, he was early 20s, she was in her 40s). Apparently they were out drinking one night...you know the rest. He told me because he got a text from an anonymous number saying that the sender knew it had happened and would tell me if my dp didn't tell me first. Apparently he discussed it with my mother who told him to lie about it, but he refused saying he wanted to be honest with me.

Since then my head has been all over the place. I'm trying to keep my relationship with dp normal for the sake of the kids and because I do love him but I'm having real trouble being intimate with him. I just cant do it. I haven't spoken to my mother. She knows dp told me...she went mental at him and said he should have lied to me. This happened a week ago and she has not once lifted the phone to speak to me.
I hate her for cheating on my dad...he's such a good guy and deserves so much better than her. Apparently my dp wasn't the only guy she was with over the years. I don't want anything to do with her right now but don't know how to maintain a relationship with my dad apart from her without him knowing something is wrong.

I feel so confused. Its been a buy week anyway, I haven't had a minute to myself to think...now dps kids are arriving today for the week and all I want to do is pack a bag and go away by myself for a couple of days to figure out how I feel. I feel so hurt that they both lied to me for so long. Dp only told me because he was being blackmailed and my mum had no intention of ever telling me. I feel like an idiot.

I don't want to make things worse, OP, but I wonder whether your mum slept with your ex. I can't think how he could know unless he was in an intimate setting with her.

Well, agreed, how would your ExH know? At the start, this was a secret between 2 people, your DP and your Mum. She, as the married one, is unlikely to be the one who discussed it widely. Your DP might have discussed it with friends, one of whom has told your exH, which begs the question, who of your friends have always known your DP slept with your mum? Watched you two get together and said nothing.

Or your mum talked about it, would she felt close enough to your exH to tell him a secret that could blow her family apart - even if she told him when you and exH were together, she was risking your exH telling you or your dad that she'd cheated. If she told him after you split up with him and got together with your DP, again, why, that's quite a secret to trust your exSon-IL with. Sadly, agree with Imperial, if your exH heard it from your mum, then she must have trusted he wouldn't tell you/your dad, and that suggests a level of intimacy between them.

Or your mum talked to some third party, someone she trusted, who has discussed it with your ExH (so someone close to your family is going behind your back) or they told it to someone else and again, you need to face the fact that this is a secret quite a large number of people know about in order for it to end up getting back to your exH.

This isn't actually something you can put a lid on. So you need to decide what you can cope with, and how you think your dad should find out, because however you look at it, he's going ot find out at some point if a large number of people know.

also, make sure you look after yourself, you are pregnant and just had a big shock, if you need to take a few days to relax and recover, then do it.

Oh my love. As others have said, I cannot even begin to think how I would process this, and while pregnant too. The only thing I can compare with it is, as a pregnant student, coming downstairs in the middle of the night to find my exDP snogging my (male) housemate. In hindsight I'm surprised how it didn't make me ill/affect the pregnancy, but I think Mother Nature is a clever, and protective old girl. I didn't make the right decisions then. Or, rather, I avoided making the decision I should have then. I think perhaps if I had confided in more/the right people I could have thought a bit straighter, but I panicked.

At the time, all those years ago, I don't think your DP did anything wrong. It was offered to him, he was drunk, and jumped at it. Obviously your DM betrayed your DF. But in addition she didn't exactly behave with dignity, but it sounds like she's not a very well lady, to be honest. And I think it would be dangerous to judge over all of that.

As others have said, I also understand the motives from both parties for wanting to keep it quiet. Right or wrong, it's what I would have done.

BUT, fastforward to now, I don't think I could ever get my head round being intimate with someone who'd been intimate with my mother. Regardless of the relationship with her (though I can see how the toxicity is getting all mixed up with this). I, personally, would just never be able to let go. God, it's hard enough as it is feeling sexy when you've got kids, and are busy and tired and...I could just see there being a significant lack of intimacy, which would provoke rows, and then whenever things are heated, or you've had a skinful, every single time this will be thrown back at your partner.

He's a wally for thinking you should be OK with this. Maybe he's boxing it off in his head, like he has done all thsi time, and is assuming you will too. Please do get away as soon as your DCs are safely with their Dad (but from what you've said, can you really relax when they're with him? he sounds unhinged too). Walk the moors. Sit in cafes miles away from home. Hurl stones in the sea.

But the main thing you need to do is talk, to help all the whirling thoughts in your head get themselves out there and as un-whirling as they can possibly be. Is there really no one in RL? Some trusted Aunt? A wise cousin?

If not, get thee to a really good psychologist/counsellor soon as. I think RELATE are great for everyday relationship stuff but this may be a bit beyond them. I'd be looking for someone good at handling trauma, because that's what this is. I'd also mention it all to your GP/midwife so they can be keeping an eye on you too.

And please believe this - this is the darkest hour. Things will never be as hard as this. Life will get lighter and clearer. You will survive. And you will have a beautiful baby. Whatever you decide, that much is true, and certain.

I would try not to get too hung up.on the image of them together. It was once. They were drunk. I doubt they remember much about it.
They were not intimate in any real way. They had a very superficial moment.

What is more of an issue is how this affects your idea of who your mother is. And how that affects your rs with your dad.

I don't think your dp has done anything wrong and I'm surprised so many think he has.

This was a long time ago, he was very young. It was a drunken night.

As for he should have told you from day one...in real life that just doesn't happen does it? People have secrets. They hope they won't get found out. They stick their head in the sand.

But although I don't blame him, I couldn't get over what happened between them and I don't think you will OP.

I'm really sorry for you. What a mess. Your mother sounds beyond dreadful.

How can he expect you to just sweep it under the carpet?

I'm presuming he'd be fine if he found out you'd slept with say, his dad...

If DM and DP got together after getting sloshed in a local pub, and departed together, it's quite posible that neither of them told anyone, but that some local gossip observed them and put together the pieces of the puzzle. Said gossip may be connected with exH, or may have had a random conversation quite recently... None of this really matters. What is dp like as a dp, as a father? I'm not sure that a ONS he had 18 years ago should affect your relationship now, though I do totally understand your shock at the recent revalation.

Gawd you poor love! :(

I don't think you're over-reacting as such, I think you need time to process this and your DP really needs to accept that and stop being an arse about it if there's any hope of this relationship being retrieved.

Re. the ONS between him and your mum - I can entirely see why neither of them wanted to mention it voluntarily.

Yes he probably could and should have told you at the start of the relationship - but he didn't and now you have to decide whether or not that's enough of a betrayal to ditch him.

You have a poor relationship with your mother anyway so it's hard to say whether she was trying to protect you more, or herself - probably a bit of both. She hasn't betrayed you in the same way though - it's a betrayal, yes, but in the normal scheme of things you wouldn't want to know about your mother's sexlife! It's more the betrayal of your father that's the problem there.

But - it was one night many years ago. Not an affair, they were both drunk, it wasn't repeated, they didn't love each other. So on the face of it, the act itself isn't so bad on your DP's part (worse on your mum's of course) - but that's not the problem, really, is it. It's the cover-up.

I honestly don't know what I'd do in your position but I'd try to stop focusing on the ONS itself and focus instead on their behaviour since - the betrayal, the lying, and the trying to brush over it now (although, if I were him, I'd be embarrassed as fuck to have had to admit something like that and I'd never want to think about it again, which might have something to do with why he wants you to move on from it quickly - so he can forget about it too)

Regarding the anonymous text, if it came from anyone else other than your mum or partner, then it's only a matter of time before your Dad finds out. Badly kept secrets, don't stay secret for long and better to hear from you than some random.

Did you ever have any counselling after your abusive marriage ended? As another poster mentioned earlier, you have an abusive mother and an abusive Ex and are now pregnant and living with a man a year into a relationship (and just because you've known someone previously doesn't mean you know them, non-platonic relationships have a very different dynamic).

Your P (he's not sounding very dear) has deliberately embarked on a relationship with you, knowing that he had a very big secret that impacted you and someone you hold dear. Add into the mix that you still bear the scars from an abusive relationship. On paper I can see why he kept his mouth shut but that doesn't make it right, in my opinion it demonstrates a lack of respect especially when he was introduced to you by the woman he slept with. His 'get over it' attitude is just another example where his wants come before your needs. Too many people connected to you have shown you very little respect and I fear your current partner is just another. I can understand why you were attracted by the knight in shinning armour ideal given your history but your history makes you vulnerable to wolves in knights clothing.

Get through the weekend and then take a time out. I would seriously recommend counselling, a safe place to talk and explore your feelings would be a very good investment for you.

Do you think the text could have been from your mother? It would fit with what you've said about her.

I don't think he had any need (or moral obligation) to discuss with you what happened 18 years ago. I don't think anyones sex life is the business of anyone other than the two people sharing it.

Like other, I think your mother is behind this. Only you know the reason why she would do this.

Your mother is still with your father? So why would she bring this out into the open now? What benefit would it have for her to potentially lose her husband?

Then, I reread and picked up on this:

told me that about 18 years ago he slept with my mother

then this

We went on one date about 12 years ago but then met and married other people

then this:

I met him first when i was 16, ironically it was my mum who introduced us

He's your mothers 'fancy man'. They had a dalliance, she engineered a meeting between you and him when you were 'legal' - it gave her an alternative route to him. It legitimised his presence. Sadly it didn't work out for her to keep her fancy man close.

Although you aren't asking for this opinion and there is nothing that can be done about it now, you have been seeing a bloke for a year. You are due at Christmas. What possessed you to think having a baby with a bloke you've known five or six months was a good idea? You don't know him - you vaguely grew up in the same area, he's much older than you to be considered part of your peer/friendship group.

What isetan said. The text being from your Mum too has a certain horrid logic to it.

Please, please find yourself someone very well qualified and book some counselling time with them asap. Where are you roughly? Could have a quick look for you.

I do think that the mad speculation over and above the facts is really not supportive to the OP. Who gives a shit who knows or who doesn't it is not important, who cares you sent the text that to is not important....what is important is that the OP deals with the shock of this info from 18 years ago takes time to process it with professional support -- looks after herself and her baby.....only she will know what to
do then once her feelings have been processed.

Some people on this thread should be writing novels! I can't see how the mad speculation can be helpful to Op at all.

I can sort of understand why, after 18 years, it might have been decided it would be kinder if you were never aware of this. I'm trying to separate the ONS from the fact that it was with your mum. I don't know who my DH had ONS's with for sure... and wouldn't expect him to give me a list.

I think the only "crime" your DP has committed against you is that he didn't tell you about this when you first got together. You need to decide how much that matters.

Deal with how you feel about your Mum separately.