My dp and my mother...am I overreacting?

[xmasbaby2014]

I have been with dp for a year. I have 2 dcs from my marriage, he has 3 dcs. I am pregnant with our first together, due in December. I knew dp years ago when I was growing up, we lived in the same town but he was 9 years older than me. We went on one date about 12 years ago but then met and married other people. We got together last year after both of our marriages ended.

My relationship with my mum has never been great. She drank a lot when my brother and I were young. My dad worked nights and she was out most nights in the pub while he was working. She's a toxic narcissistic person and I don't have much to do with her although we live about 5 mins apart.

Last week my dp sat me down and told me that about 18 years ago he slept with my mother. (I'd have been a young teen, he was early 20s, she was in her 40s). Apparently they were out drinking one night...you know the rest. He told me because he got a text from an anonymous number saying that the sender knew it had happened and would tell me if my dp didn't tell me first. Apparently he discussed it with my mother who told him to lie about it, but he refused saying he wanted to be honest with me.

Since then my head has been all over the place. I'm trying to keep my relationship with dp normal for the sake of the kids and because I do love him but I'm having real trouble being intimate with him. I just cant do it. I haven't spoken to my mother. She knows dp told me...she went mental at him and said he should have lied to me. This happened a week ago and she has not once lifted the phone to speak to me.
I hate her for cheating on my dad...he's such a good guy and deserves so much better than her. Apparently my dp wasn't the only guy she was with over the years. I don't want anything to do with her right now but don't know how to maintain a relationship with my dad apart from her without him knowing something is wrong.

I feel so confused. Its been a buy week anyway, I haven't had a minute to myself to think...now dps kids are arriving today for the week and all I want to do is pack a bag and go away by myself for a couple of days to figure out how I feel. I feel so hurt that they both lied to me for so long. Dp only told me because he was being blackmailed and my mum had no intention of ever telling me. I feel like an idiot.

[CheeryName]

He went on a date with you only 6 years after he slept with your mother. He is not a nice man.

Look after yourself and your DC, put yourself first.

[Finney2]

It's not really the sleeping with my mother that would be a problem for me, it's the deliberate withholding of information that would have want I wouldn't have gone out with him in the first place.

I think I would really struggle to get past it. Coupled with his current attitude, it'd be a no from me I'm afraid.

Good luck OP x

[Guiltypleasures001]

I'm sorry your in this position op, it seems now everyone's got their dirty washing out in the open and it's now only you dealing with the fall out.

Your mums stuck her head in the sand or a bottle, you dp has confessed and probably feels a lot lighter for it.

Now your the one having a breakdown and he's saying get over it.
Ide pack his shit cancel the kids tell your dad and let all of them deal with this. This is not yours to deal with, you have a baby on the way that's your priority.

Secondly what sort of man is he that would get with you get you pregnant knowing he had slept with your mother, oh what a wheeze that must of been for him.

I would be going no contact with both him and your mother, let them have the fall out.

[DorothyGherkins]

I think even if I could bring myself to forgive, every time I was in bed with him I d have visions of my mother doing the deed with him. I dont think I could ever get that out of my brain. No, it wouldnt work for me, sorry.

[TeenyfTroon]

What an awful situation for you. I think Yvy is talking a lot of sense, but this is more about feelings than sense so maybe hard to take on board.

Try and think what you would have done in his shoes. Would honesty have been the best policy at the risk of destroying a good relationship? I don't know but there's nothing straightforward here.

I hope whatever you decide you feel happy with it.

[Quitelikely]

Because it was twenty years ago I would give him the benefit of the doubt. Your mother was in the wrong but a lot of young lads would have took it if offered on a plate.

Growing up would mean realising he behaved badly and not shouting that from the rooftops. I don't think he has done anything deliberately wrong. Plus he did tell you when your mother didn't want him to.

Also your father may well know. What is his relationship like with your dp?

[Guiltypleasures001]

He didn't sleep with her sister or her best friend he slept with her mother, he deliberately lead her in to a sense of security and just when she should be relaxing he blows her world apart.

The mother and I'll use that term loosely should never have allowed this situation to develope, out a sense of saving her own neck she has set her daughter up for a future life of hurt mistrust and tip toeing around the both of them. I'm sure family do's in the future are going to be wonderful, this poor bloody woman did nothing to cause any of it.

Those two selfish sons of bitches need to stick their heads above the parapet and fess up.

Sorry op I am raging on your behalf

[tribpot]

His attitude now is very telling. And not in a good way.

[slithytove]

Did DP know the relationship between you and your mum when you started dating? Or was it a horrific realisation when he met 'his girlfriends mother' a few months into your relationship?

That for me would make a difference on who I was cross with regarding this issue.

However, the way he is approaching it is wrong, he has no right to be rushing you or annoyed with you for processing it however you need to.

This is what I would be focusing on, and yes, I would take my own space to do it.

• can I cope with the knowledge that DP and DM have slept together, albeit years ago and not to hurt me
  

• can I cope with the fact that DP kept this quiet for however long - n.b. He may have started going out with me fully aware of my mum
  

• can I cope with the fact that my mum has cheated on my dad, maybe numerous times
  

• can I cope with the fact that she wanted to keep it a lie
  

For me, the first two are very separate from the second two. What you decide for your own wee family has no bearing on your birth family (for want of a better term).

I too would decline a proposal right now and would be questioning DP's motives and understanding if he thought it was an appropriate time.

Also, and I am so sorry for saying this, but you have an emotionally abusive mum, have recently got out of a long abusive marriage, and now are 3/4 months (?) pregnant to a man after only having been together for a year. I would keep your powder dry before rushing into any decision making, and really, really think about what you, your kids, and baby on the way need. Put yourselves first, above everyone else.

I am concerned from a few things you have said that all is not well with DP (secrecy, very quick moving in and baby, only telling the truth due to blackmail, annoyance with you at not being over the issue) and would caution you in the nicest possible way to look after yourself. No matter how many other people are calling you selfish.

Hope you are ok, this is a mess.

[ImperialBlether]

He's sounding worse by the minute.

I agree with the poster who said that she thought the OP's mum was behind the text. It sounds right up her street.

OP, I couldn't live with a man who'd slept with my mum. I just couldn't.

I couldn't live with a man who'd not told me that vital fact from day 1, either.

I would hate my mother if she let me get involved with a man she'd slept with; she should have told you right from the start, no matter the consequences.

[xmasbaby2014]

Slithytove dp did know the relationship between me and mum. He has known our whole family for years. I met him first when i was 16, ironically it was my mum who introduced us. I was out for a walk with her one sunday back then and we bumped into him.

[Jux]

He wants to be part of your family he needs to behave like that. This means that when his partner find out that he has slept with her mother, he looks after her kids as well as his own for as long as it takes for his partner to get her head around it.

Not being nice enough to his kids? Pshaw! As nice as he's been keeping schtum over this and forging a relationship with you under false pretences and consequently dragging your children into the middle of it too.

TELL him that you expect him to look after your children as any honourable man would, while you take some time out to process this bombshell that he has dropped on you. Then pack your bags, kiss the children and head for a lovely spot for a few days, or a week.

As for your dad. You are unable to confide in many people in rl about this? At some point you will have to tell him, as otherwise he will be left puzzled and sad as your relationship with your mum has stopped and your relationship with him will wither.

But don't worry aout that now. Get yourself off somewhere nice and find a bit of peace.

[slithytove]

Then OP that really changes things and I would be questioning my entire relationship.

Don't let him push you into any decisions, and take the space you need. Do you have to stay at home the next couple of days, or can you take your kids away / leave them with someone so you can get some thinking time?

Playing happy families with DP and the kids might not be good - it might minimise the problems. It will certainly make him believe all is well, and possibly get annoyed when he discovers it's not.

[inlectorecumbit]

Fuck no thant is wrong in so many levels!!
If yur DP was any decent sort of man he wold never have "dated" you in the first place after sleeping with your mum.
I could never get over that--absolutely not.
I am so sorry OP

[LineRunner]

I would feel like I didn't know him at all.

And I also wouldn't be surprised to find out your mother sent the text, or pressured him into telling you. That's part of the toxic script, really.

[Viviennemary]

That is truly awful to have to deal with. But it was a long long time ago. He should have been honest with you from the start rather than dropping this bombshell now. But if you dwell on the positive you can get through this.

[Audeca]

He didn't sleep with her sister or her best friend he slept with her mother, he deliberately lead her in to a sense of security and just when she should be relaxing he blows her world apart.

At the time they slept together the OP wasn't in the picture (romantically speaking). It was a drunken one night stand between two consulting adults nearly two decades ago. I don't see any problem with the initial sexual encounter.

What has, obviously, given this ONS upsetting significance for the OP is that it's between her mum and boyfriend.

I see lots of comments saying that the DP should have mentioned this. In a perfect world I would agree. But this is the real world and I would ask people to answer to themselves honestly: if this was you and you were falling for someone when would you have done it?

On the first date? Over the entrées? Desert on the third date?

Or would you panic and either bury or put off mentioning it and (perhaps) hope that this near two decade old ONS (that at the time was nothing to do with the current relationship) would remain buried?

It may not be the right decision, but it is understandable that he took this course.

Moving on. When threatened he did the right thing and told you. He could have done as your mum suggested and covered it up.

I'm not saying this because I think he was right, but because I'm a bit concerned by some of OTT responses (like the one I quoted up top).

OP, please take time for yourself and decide what you want to do. Oh, and follow YvyB's advice, by far and away the best on this thread.

[anyoldname76]

I don't think I could carry on a relationship with him, apart from the fact he slept with your mother he's deliberately kept this from you, him or her should have told you at the start then you could have made a decision on whether to continue or not.

[Guiltypleasures001]

I may be out out of order saying this but your post about you seeing him out with your mum and introducing you both, smacks of grooming you and she colluded in that as well.

I really have no other words to describe this

[MummyBeerest]

I'd be out. Especially now that he's acting in such an insensitive way now.

You and your DC deserve better. It'll be hard, but you'll be better for it in the long run if you leave, fast, now.

[Optimist1]

YvyB and Audeca are giving a very balanced viewpoint here, OP. I hope you manage to find some peace when the initial shock of this revelation has passed.

I've spent a little while pondering who sent the anonymous text, even to the extent of wondering whether your DP invented it as a way to come clean before proposing to you, but I think it's irrelevant.

[xmasbaby2014]

Wrt to the anonymous text i'm fairly sure it was my exh behind it. He and his family have done some awful things over the last year including making anonymous calls to social services telling lies about us and trying to hit dp and i with his car. I have no idea how he found out...dp swears he never told anyone. My mother apparently doesnt remember whether she did.

[deepest]

OP.....the best thing that you can do hear is let the dust settle in your head decide that you will not make any decisions for 3 months you will know how you feel by then. Why not ask ask you dp to go with you to relate for a couple of sessions to support you to process this? Or go on your own.

[justiceofthePeas]

Tell your dp in no uncertain terms he does not get to decide when you are over this.
Try to get away once your dcs are with your x.

No other advice on how to deal with this othrr than give it time and don't let either if them dictate your feelings.

Much required.