In your opinion what constituted as An Affair / Betrayal?

[Elf1981]

Flirting?
A touch?
A kiss?
Sex once?
Regular sex?

Where, in your opinion, would you draw a line?

between touch and kiss. A touch could be misinterpreted, a kiss not, I think.

When I was younger, I used to think that it was sex that the line was drawn / anything sexual.
But now I think a kiss.

From your list...

anything from a kiss and beyond.

Why what have you done??

LOL, I haven't done anything!!
Mind just wandering, that's all (DH asleep, DD asleep, nowt much on telly!)
I'm always fascinated by peoples perceptions. I'd never forgive DH if he slept with somebody else, and he'd never forgive me. But my SIL & BIL are getting over an affair where she was sleeping with another guy for a few years. I wonder if he's a mug for taking her back, or stronger than me as he can forgive?

At the risk of getting shouted at....my idea of a betrayal is having regular thoughts about being with another person....not necessarily sexual either. That might be worse than one off sex.

I can see your point Marz, are you on about something like regular contact with somebody but not innocent feelings, get excited / tummy flipping moments when you make contact.

Affair / betrayal

Some people do have low tolerance / low forgiveness levels!

Malory! tsk tsk. read the thread title!!!

sorry, didn't mean to sound arsy

Agree with Marz.

Wanting something to happen/having feelings for someone in particluar is worse than getting drunk and having one off sex with someone imo.

Elf...yup...but maybe even not regular contact. What if you met the person once, but after that could not stopt hinking about them...and imagined yourself leaving your family etc etc to be with them...ok..just fantasies, and the reality that you stay and stand by your commitments should be commended....but, if it were my DH and I found out...I would be seriously hurt.

You didnt Elf

Emotional betrayal can be worse than sex. Don't think I'd forgive either tbh.

I think there's a difference between what's an affair and whats forgivable and also whats forgiveable and what you an try and move on after. Don't know whether that makes sense! What I mean is even if doesn't constitute an affair to you it may be hard to forgive that person. Yet like you bil and sil, even if something has crossed that line, it may be that you can't forgive the action but still work at staying together.

My dh had an affair, brief but sexual. He knows i'll never 'forgive' him, but I did decide I would try to make the relationship work - so in the end it was not an automatic 'its over'.

However, he now knows that the line would be firmly drawn at even looking at any woman but me, never mind flirting!

Its strange but I've learned you don't always do what you strongly believe you would in unexpected situations.

agree with the last line of your post - it's easy to say that I wouldn't forgive but add dd and the actual experience and who knows what I'd do?

I don't know if I'd get back to any level of normality - I dont know if I could ever let him lay his hands on me again.

The betrayal/affair is started when that other person becomes your emotional crux whether you slept with them or not. if you have drunken kiss at party as one off it would really hurt partner but isn't worth throwing away good partnership over. but if that person becomes more than one off, you're excited, longing for texts, msnin and laughing and turning to them that is betrayal even if no sex. prob sex will soon follow anyway. have done it, been there, loved it, destroyed marriage. wouldn't have it any other way though cos was so lonely in marriage. it's the pull on the heart strings thing. some men can just have sex with another woman but usually it is the emotional void in marriage that needs filling not the sexual. any help?

So do you think that there are different reasons for a man and woman having an affair?

If he was flirting, wanting there to be more, hoping it would lead to more and distancing himself from me, in my heart I would feel betrayed by that, definatley. I may live with it and we may move on from that but it would still hurt.

I think a touch would come into the flirting anyway.

If he kissed her, passionatley, and wanted more it would eat at me, cut like a knife, but I could hopefully move on with some work.

Sex once - dunno, but possibly, small chance I could maybe move on from a one night fling, dunno, very hard to say.

Regular sex, no way, could never let that go, would eat at me and destroy us and my girls so would have to walk away.

Is a drunken thing easier to forgive than a sober thing?

(I'm not doing anything myself, nor do I suspect my DH, I'm just interested in peoples opinions!)

I think re men and women that both generally seek friendships/affairs cos of emotional need and loneliness etc so are not really different. but there are likely to be more men who can just do sex affairs than women. I think we underestimate how many men are tired, drained and come home after hard commute and work day to naggy wife (sorry but true) and feel unappreciated and unloved. women are the same coming home to grumpy men or men with heads stuck in computers. lack of communication, appreciation, self worth etc prob causes more affairs than need of sex for both men and women i'd say - but just my opinion.

If dp had sex with another woman,man,animal.....
thats an affair and i would be off

to me a kiss is betrayal.