Page 2 | In your opinion what constituted as An Affair / Betrayal?

Elf1981 · 2006-09-14T18:46:51+00:00

Flirting? A touch? A kiss? Sex once? Regular sex? Where, in your opinion, would you draw a line?

Tommy · 14/09/2006 22:43

I think the deceipt (sp?) is the worse thing.
You might not have even kissed them but if you're smeaking off to call someone without your partner knowing or meeting for lunch etc then I think that is as bad.

anoldchestnut · 15/09/2006 09:30

At the risk of sounding flippant, according to Marz' definition I've been having an affair with George Clooney for the past 10 years!

sheepgomeep · 15/09/2006 09:58

emotional betrayal. A drunken one of kiss I could forgive but when thier heart is somewhere else, hiding phones.. texts, using someone else as a prop instead of me then that imo is far worse.

been on the recieving end of that with ex and its horrible

Bugsy2 · 15/09/2006 10:04

I'm with sheepgomeep. I always knew that I could tolerate physical betrayal (i.e. some drunken one night stand) but emotional betrayal is a genuine affair for me. Unfortunately speaking as one who knows.
I didn't really care that much that ex-H had shagged some other woman (although I was still very angry), what was really so hurtful & beyond repair was that the fact that he was discussing his future, his life, his problems, his hopes, dreams & plans with someone else.
To me that is an affair.

prettymum · 15/09/2006 10:14

wouldnt forgive my dp if he physically cheated on me as well as emotionally, couldnt handle him sleeping with anyone other than me!!

expatinscotland · 15/09/2006 10:16

I feel it's entirely dependent upon the situation.

Piffle · 15/09/2006 10:19

kissing, sex - the real acid test would be intimacy
So if he was intimate emotionally but never had sex or kissed her, that would be a bigger betrayal for me than a one off fuck.
But saying that I'm not sure I'm the forgiving type for any infidelity, but the emotional betrayal would hurt more.

Original poster

Elf1981 · 15/09/2006 10:19

anoldchestnut - I think my husband is well aware of my "affairs" with Enrique Iglesias and Jake Gyllenhaal!!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 15/09/2006 10:23

Yes, DH knows that Goran Visnjic and Zinedine Zidane are my fantasy lovers.

mumblechum · 15/09/2006 10:51

A close friend of mine has been seeing someone for 10 (yes,10) years. is outwardly happily married, 3 kids, & says she doesn't see it as a betrayal, but she just happens to love 2 people. Her husb. found out about it, not sure whether he realises its still going on. I hope I never have to find out the hard way, but I agree with previous posters that it's the idea of dh wanting to spend time with another woman & having fun with her that would hurt more than the sex thing.

ginmummy · 15/09/2006 10:52

Most people flirt even if they don't realise they're doing it, and sometimes it does you the power of good to know that there are still people out there who think you're sexually attractive. It does wonders for the ego and ergo would have a positive impact on a relationship just as long as that was where it stopped. I wouldn't have a problem with a partner flirting just as long as our relationship was such that I knew it was just that and nothing more.

Kissing in emotional sense (as opposed to a quick peck on the lips under the mistletoe) is a betrayal. If you like someone enough to want to kiss them then you probably want more than just a kiss, and that leads to problems and it's best not to go there. One man's kiss is another man's blow job.

Sex of any kind is a definate betrayal and in my head constitutes an affair, even if it was just the once.

CheesyFeet · 15/09/2006 10:57

Agree with you, ginmummy

THere are various degrees of kissing. A quick peck is harmless, a full on passionate snog is not. It's all about the feeling behind the kiss.

jolly4 · 16/09/2006 01:33

help need too talk?

ghosty · 16/09/2006 02:39

Well, a friend of mine has separated from her husband because he was thinking of having an affair. He came clean about it when he felt he was about to embark on sexual relations with a mutual friend of theirs and to his credit he stopped in his tracks, admitted his feelings to his wife (my friend, who was 6 months pregnant with a much wanted 3rd baby at the time) and they have been on a terrible downhill spiral ever since. She has lost all trust in him, they limped along for 6 months, with her finding evidence of phone calls and love letters etc, while he promised nothing had happened and he wanted to stay with her ... they had the baby and now, 3 months later she has finally kicked him out to stay with a friend so she can get her head together and see if she can ever get over this.
I really think that if DH got to the point of thinking of kissing another woman we might have a problem ...

Original poster

Elf1981 · 16/09/2006 08:41

I am sorry for your friend Ghosty. Terrible at the best of times but when pregnant and feeling vulnerable as well.

Jolly4 - are you okay?

OP posts:

jolly4 · 16/09/2006 10:58

sorrybeen sorting children out he has been on phone she lied about abortion she is scorned he is creeping like mad so he shouild the shit i am so any can i forgive him this woman is a bit of a bunny boiler she got her keys out and scratched all his car on bonnet and side i cut all his boxer shorts up at moment i am so angry

jolly4 · 16/09/2006 11:00

sorrybeen sorting children out he has been on phone she lied about abortion she is scorned he is creeping like mad so he shouild the shit i am so any can i forgive him this woman is a bit of a bunny boiler she got her keys out and scratched all his car on bonnet and side i cut all his boxer shorts up at moment i am so angry

theUrbanDryad · 16/09/2006 11:10

jolly i posted on the other thread but i don't know if you've seen it. what's the situation? do you need to talk? you are very strong & restrained if his boxer shorts are all you've cut up!!

riab · 20/09/2006 20:04

Sex is a betrayal, on going sex is an affair. But ONLY because we agreed that a kiss was okay for us both.

IMO anythign that you havn't explicity agreed to be okay is a betrayal.

bescotfc · 20/09/2006 22:28

when i first started going out with dp i was aware that he was also going through divorce proceedings. over a period of perhaps 18months, he told me that he had slept with his ex twice; which, to him, meant that he had only cheated on me twice.

to me, being cheated on means that he had any kind of contact with her, whether in person or by phone, so either physical, sexual and emotional(not just kissing) with someone else who is significant in any way is cheating. he hid his phoen all the time which made me even more wary, he put her phone number under the names of people who were "supposed to work with him" - not even thinking i would recognise her number the tw#t. he was distant, both physically and emotionally.
i found out from a friend that he had been holding her hand in town when he hadn't wanted to hold mine, i later found out that the day i told him i was pregnant he was planning to leave me to live permanently with her. he was hubbie#4 btw. she is now on no.6 ( i think) and cannot keep her knickers on.

if there is anything that makes you feel wary and uncomfortable when it happens between your dp and others then sort it out either way - don't let it fester and certainly don't let him (or her for that matter) worm out of it

bescotfc · 20/09/2006 22:31

ps i couldn't even kiss another bloke while i was with someone and i would expect same from my partner. it was because of what happened before that if anything did happen he wouldn't get another chance so he is no longer willing to risk anything and we have been together for just over a year. it is hard sometimes but it is starting to flow again. he does know that he wouldn't get a second chance this time

maycontainstress · 21/09/2006 12:29

Tricky one.

My ex husb cheated on me twice. We drew the line at sex being the ultimate betrayal. Having our 2 ds to think of, I took him back after the first time, gave him a second chance, him swearing full sex didn't occur. It ate at me 24/7, the text messaging, the illicit meetings. I loved him and was so blind.

We managed to stay together, though I never got over it, for the next 2 years. He received my full trust (yes, what a fool I was), and then he promptly walked out the door after he'd been having an affair with the polar opposite of me for God only knows how long. I never got the full truth.

Even now, 4 years after the first betrayal, I hear snippets of info from his ex work mates who think I know the whole truth "he used to shag her in the work toilets". It still cuts at me, I was hospitalised because I'd got so thin, bringing up my twins, and working part time. Anytime I mentioned him helping out with the housework, he was off out, no doubt for his ego (or body) massage.

Now I find it difficult to trust, I have a DP and we both agree, even the illicit meetings lead to things. Complete openness and honesty or I'd rather be on my own.

bluejelly · 23/09/2006 18:38

Sorry to hear MCS. How tough. Glad you have found a good honest relationship with another...
I agre that illicit behaviour even if it doesn't involve sex constitutes infidelity.
I found a text from a girl on my ex's phone and when I asked him about it he lied. That was it, no further proof required.
That was several months ago and she actually turned into a bit of a stalker texting him 20 times a day etc
He has been been begging to get back with me ever since.
Not sure if I will ( making him sweat) but I feel i got my revenge
But glad that I drew a clear line in the sand if you see what I mean.
Previous boyfriend cheated on me and I forgave him, it taught me a big lesson and now will not accept anything less than 100 percent honesty.