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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can anybody help me? Please.......

43 replies

Polann1 · 28/07/2014 16:43

Is there anyone out there who can offer me any advice? I found out last night that my husband has been having an affair for the past year. Apparently it started not long after I had the 2nd child that we tried desperately to have for 4 years. I am in utter shock, in a state of complete panic. The pain is so bad I don't know wot to do with myself. I have had only 3 hours sleep and have spent all day lying in bed crying, crying, crying. He had to come home from work to look after the children as I am not in a fit state. My 7 year old son wants to take me to the doctor to see if he can stop me crying...... I am beyond devastated that he is having to see me like this especially as I went thru the same myself as a child & never, ever wanted my own children to go through it. The pain I feel is driving me insane - I can't eat, I can't sleep, I have been crying non stop since 4.30am this morning. Can anyone offer any advice as to how on earth to cope with this? Please .....

OP posts:
RandomFriend · 28/07/2014 16:46

Oh what a shock, I cannot read and run.

Could you phone a friend and ask for help with your son? Drop him round at a friends for tea? So that you can get some time to think/recover?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/07/2014 16:46

I'm sorry you've had such a horrible shock. Did you find out by accident or did he tell you voluntarily? You should not have him anywhere near you at the moment. If you can't look after your DCs please get a friend or family member to step in if possible. You need people around you who care about you and love you. You need to be encouraged to eat and sleep. You can't count on any of that from the person who is causing the pain in the first place.

Have you told anyone else yet?

Minime85 · 28/07/2014 16:50

Yes can you get a friend to have the children maybe overnight? You must try and eat and sleep even if for both it's little and often. It must be such an awful shock. Have you talked to him at all about it?

FlossyMoo · 28/07/2014 16:51

Oh OP I am so sorry this is happening.

Is there anyone in rl you can turn to for support?

Jan45 · 28/07/2014 16:56

Either get a family member or close friend to come to you and stay with you or perhaps you could go to them, either way, he needs to go, you will not be able to think straight with him in your eye vision.

I know it's awful but you need to eat something and drink, and you are right, it's not fair on the children to see you like this, please try and arrange something.

LineRunner · 28/07/2014 16:57

I am so sorry. I have been through this, too.

How did you find out?

And yes, do please seek support from family and friends you trust.

hellsbellsmelons · 28/07/2014 17:02

What a feckin' arse he is.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
As others have said, real life support right now is most important.
He needs to get out and leave you alone for while.

How did this come about?
You say you 'found out' so how did that happen?

A lot of us have been there and it's the worst pain.
You have already found that you can just cry and cry and cry. They just don't dry up.

You do need to look after yourself though.
Sugary tea is good or ice lollies (they are what saw me through). Just keeps your sugar levels up and also keeps you a bit hydrated.

Do NOT what ever you do, keep his dirty secret.
You have done nothing wrong. It's all him and it's all horrible.
Make sure you confide in someone.
You may not want to tell everyone but you need some support so you need to get someone round and talk to them about it all.

Thanks for you.

crazylady321 · 28/07/2014 17:09

Oh im so sorry your been put through this. What an arse hole. I agree with the others can you get someone to help you with DCs either at your home or can anyone have them over night while you try and get your head round it?

Your poor son bless him, I hope your husband is proud of himself. Have you spoke to anyone in person other than on here, keeping it in is the worse thing you can do. I felt embarrased both times I was cheated on and didnt want anyone to know, but regret it my ex was getting all the sympathy of us splitting up as it was obvious I had ended things.

Hope you are feeling better soon, dont let husband talk you round xxx

Original poster
Polann1 · 28/07/2014 17:10

Thank u 4 all ur messages. Sadly the only 2 friends who I wld trust to tell are both abroad on holiday (but have been marvellous on the phone). My pride won't allow me to tell "everyone" if you know wot I mean. I'm hoping my mother can come to stay on Wednesday so it's just tomorrow I have to somehow (but how.....!) get thru. The worst thing is, we r due to fly on holiday this Sunday - wot on earth will I do? I don't know how I can go with him & play happy families for 2 wks & yet, it will break my children's hearts if we cancel or I say Daddy can't come - my son especially will b inconsolable ....

OP posts:
crazylady321 · 28/07/2014 17:14

Aww hun, its heartbreaking. Typical timing for your holiday, would it be an opportunity for him to look after the kids while you try get some head space? Just a thought although personally I wouldnt be able to have him in the house let alone holiday but you have to do whats best for kids especially your eldest.

Has he any idea why you have been crying btw? x

Jan45 · 28/07/2014 17:29

Let him go with the kids, while you sort out your life back here, no way I could go away with him for 2 weeks, not even a day! Or, you go and take someone instead of him!

Spending 2 wkd with the sleaze ball is only going to mess with your head, I'd be amazed if you actually enjoyed any of it.

Jan45 · 28/07/2014 17:30

Yes kids will be disappointed if he doesn't come but they will get over it once they see the swimming pool, don't be lead by that, he'll be hoping that's what you do.

Original poster
Polann1 · 28/07/2014 17:51

He's been home since 8.30 this morning as I'm in such a terrible state that I'm not fit to look after the children & had to ask him to come home to look after them. We haven't spoken all day - he's been down stairs with the kids while I have been lying on my bed crying literally non stop since 4.30am this morning. the pain, shock, hurt & disbelief is so bad that I'm feel I'm going insane with it. My poor little boy stood by my bed watching me cry uncontrollably & then asked if he cld take me to the doctor so he can "mend mummy"..... I'm fu*king heartbroken - my poor baby

OP posts:
Jan45 · 28/07/2014 17:53

Can you go to anyone OP, sitting in the mire like this isn't helping you at all, him being there also is another nightmare situation.

Can you possibly bugger off to a friend's for the evening or even stay over?

Makeupandkiss87 · 28/07/2014 17:57

I'm so sorry, what a terrible situation!

Your son may actually have a point though- maybe a visit to the Dr would help? Just having the opportunity to talk it through with someone impartial might help?

In the mean time, are you able to take the kids and stay with someone sooner than Weds?

Hugs xox

awsomer · 28/07/2014 18:00

You need to take it one day at a time. He's looking after the kids so don't worry about them for the moment, take the time to collect yourself a bit (only a little bit - you're absolutely allowed to feel heartbroken).

You're already coping better than you know; You've arranged for your mum to come help out, well done! Your friends won't be away for ever, they'll be back to help you through this before you know it. The one and only decision you need to make right now is what to do about the holiday (only because it's so close) and once you've made your decision you'll feel a bit better. So what you need to do is think of three(ish) different scenarios for what you could do about the holiday e.g scenario 1) you all go as planned, 2) you don't go, 3) he doesn't go. Then think of all the pros and cons about that scenario and pick the one you think you'll best be able to cope with.

You can do it!

Pastperfect · 28/07/2014 18:02

Lying in bed is going to make you feel worse....and will make your H feel like he has all the cards.

Drag some clothes on and go for a walk/for a coffee just to get out the house and give yourself some headspace

awsomer · 28/07/2014 18:05

Totally agree with past and jan, get out of the house for a little while.

TheTravellingLemon · 28/07/2014 18:06

I'm so sorry Polann. There's no magic remedy I'm afraid. Just get through tomorrow however you can and then your mum will be there to look after you. Don't think further than that for now. Just focus on the short term.

You will be ok, you don't believe me but I promise that it is true. You will be fine, better even. Take all the rl support you can get. Send the kids to friends or family if you can. This first bit is horrible, but you just have to live through it and you will and you will heal. Flowers

crazylady321 · 28/07/2014 18:06

I agree with pastperfect, get dressed and go for a walk. Have you got an ipod or mp3 player, just go walking anywhere thats wht i do if get chance and need time out

LumpySpacedPrincess · 28/07/2014 18:07

What a dreadful shock for you. Pastperfect is right, try to get some air.

I would not be going on holiday with him. Either let him go with the kids or you go. Of course it will hurt the kids but that's not your fault.

Original poster
Polann1 · 28/07/2014 18:10

Thank u, thank u, thank u for all your lovely support & advice - I already feel less alone. I did actually manage to get showered & dressed then walked over to the common & sat on the grass sobbing my heart out for an hour looking like some deranged woman! So desperate am
I feeling that I felt like grabbing passers-by & telling them "I've just found out my husband is having an affair, help me!!".

Yes - u r right, I have 2 make a decision re. The holiday ASAP - I think this will have 2 b a task 4 tomorrow tho as feels too much 2 take on at the moment.

A huge thank u again 2 u all - wot a wonderful, kind & caring network.

Xxx

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 28/07/2014 18:11

Oh you poor thing. God the pain is physical isn't it?

But Pastperfect is right. Take a deep breath. Dry your eyes and wash your face in cold water. Take a paracetamol (I bet you've got a headache), drag some clothes on and get out of the house if only for an hour - a walk, coffee, anything.

Try and do it for your DC sake.

Then when you get back tell him that he will be leaving as soon as your mother arrives. That you need space and time to think.

Then take awsomer's advice and make a decision about the holiday. My favourite option would be for you all to go without him. Tell the kids that he has to work. Whatever. The last thing you need is to look at his lying face

You have my utter sympathy, you really do Flowers

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 28/07/2014 18:13

Oh, you poor lamb. Words on a screen can provide no consolation, just practical suggestions. You've had some of those and I think the most important for the moment is to get out of the house. Go for a walk. Get away from him if only for an hour or two. Perhaps book yourself into a B&B or hotel for the night and let him look after the children while stewing in his own juice.

Hold onto this: the devastation and despair you are feeling right now is not how it will always be. You can get through this. You are stronger than you know. You are not alone.

hamptoncourt · 28/07/2014 18:13

Change his ticket for someone you would like to go with - sister/friend?

What's the story with the affair? Are you getting the cheaters script and the apologies or is he planning to leave?

Can you call your mum and see if she can come earlier? Sorry you are going through this.

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