Can anybody help me? Please.......

[Polann1]

Is there anyone out there who can offer me any advice? I found out last night that my husband has been having an affair for the past year. Apparently it started not long after I had the 2nd child that we tried desperately to have for 4 years. I am in utter shock, in a state of complete panic. The pain is so bad I don't know wot to do with myself. I have had only 3 hours sleep and have spent all day lying in bed crying, crying, crying. He had to come home from work to look after the children as I am not in a fit state. My 7 year old son wants to take me to the doctor to see if he can stop me crying...... I am beyond devastated that he is having to see me like this especially as I went thru the same myself as a child & never, ever wanted my own children to go through it. The pain I feel is driving me insane - I can't eat, I can't sleep, I have been crying non stop since 4.30am this morning. Can anyone offer any advice as to how on earth to cope with this? Please .....

Don't go on holiday, let him take the kids. This will give you time to clear your head and also just let him see that this is his future. Taking the kids and looking after them on his access days will maybe let him see just how hard it is to be a single dad and this is what he has done to his family.
What is he saying-is the affair continuing? what were hie excuses? l think he will turn it round and blame you for lack of interest after DC was born.

He needs to see the consequence of his actions and you lying on the bed all day will not be helping. If you cant do it for yourself do it for your DS. Go out to the park/for a walk. Hold your head high-he is the cheat and liar-he has let the family down not you.

Come on girl dry your tears big breath and get down the stairs

Just to add about the holiday - don't be talked into a family holiday that you feel uncomfortable with . I've been abroad during a relationship breakup and it really is so isolating and dreadful. Worse than you would even expect.

Sorry, I think my last post was a bit ambiguous. I mean that you go or he goes, but I wouldn't go together.

Let him go away with the kids. Let him see that this is likely to be his future: spending time with his children on his own, without you for back-up. He won't have any time to be talking to the OW, he'll barely have time to have a pee. Tell him you're not sure where you will be when he gets back. You might have found a flat to rent by then. Maybe on your own, maybe not.

And do NOT under any circumstances be talked into a family holiday. Regardless of how things might progress it is not the right time.

No magic pill or potion I'm afraid but a huge hug and

Its the worst kind of pain imaginable, been there and got the T shirt. I've no words of wisdom except time really does help heal.

Always here for a chat and a shoulder to lean on x

any chance your mum could take the kids for a couple of days so that you and your H can talk / cry / react in whatever way you need to? at least then you only have to worry about YOU. You've got nearly a week til the holiday to work out what to do about that.

The worst thing is, I don't want to lose him. He walked our the door this morning 2 go 2 work & I wanted to chase him down the street, lie down on the floor, grab him by the ankles & beg him not to leave me. Yet @ the same time I hate him. I feel utterly pathetic & reading this back, I think I am! Weak & completely pathetic.

On another note, the house is in his name - have I got a leg to stand on?!?! Together for 16 years, married for 9 yrs & 2 children. Have I any claim @ all over the property?!? Does anyone know??

The kindness I have been shown by u all has made me cry afresh - but in a good way as I'm so touched & cheered by your amazing support xxx

What an arsehole. So sorry you're going through this.

You're married, the marriage is an extension of a long term relationship so it's not just the 9 years that is taken into consideration.

Yes, you are entitled to a share of the marital assets. If you have young children it will likely be a larger share as you are the one who will likely be raising them.

Yes you will be able to stay in the house with the children and have a financial claim.

This all happened to me. I came out intact, I promise.

You certainly have a claim to the house. Do you know what his intentions towards you are? Is he still seeing her?

Did you find out or did he tell you?

You need time for the dust to settle.

You're not weak and completely pathetic! You're in shock. Shocked by the most terrible betrayal imaginable. You'll be feeling all sorts of things in the coming hours and days and that is very understandable indeed.

About the marital home: it doesn't matter whose name it is in, it is an asset of the marriage now and became so on the day you both signed the marriage certificate. Sometimes, the home could be awarded to you until the youngest child ceases to be a dependent, and then it will be sold and the proceeds split.

If there's enough equity it might be better for you and the children if it's sold sooner and you have enough to put down a deposit on somewhere unconnected with him. But you should fight tooth and nail for the lion's share of any equity if the children are going to remain with you and not him. Your own future earning capacity is going to be severely compromised for some time if you become a lone parent.

With two children to support he will have to pay over 20% of his earnings to you as an absolute minimum.

Still, none of that is on the immediate horizon, so there's no need to get ahead of yourself.

"I wanted to chase him down the street ..... Yet @ the same time I hate him"

That's an entirely normal reaction for someone who is in shock. You're a human being, not a machine. Only a day or two ago you loved the man, trusted him, and you had a history and a future together. You've had some harrowing news and everything has change but emotions don't just flick off like a switch. It hasn't sunk in yet. Your mind will be all over the place for a while. Down one minute and paralysed with grief. Up the next and thinking about who gets the house. All normal. Unpleasant but normal.

It's even more reason for him to go as soon as your Mum can get there. Hope you have a better day today.

This all happened to me. I came out intact, I promise

That made me cry.
Its the value of MN, isn't it? There's always someone who has been through (whatever) it is before, and lived to tell the tale.

Thinking of you, OP. When it happened to me, I sat on the stairs and wailed, and 4yo dd joined me. She drew a picture of her dad and put it over the bed so she could see it every night. We cried a lot. It helps.

I went and joined my Ex on holiday after I found out.
Worst mistake ever.
We can give you hindsight and I can tell you going away with him will be just awful.
I had to keep going off for a good cry.
I didn't sleep.
Went out for a walk at 5am for hours and just cried and cried on the beach.
It's horrible so please don't go ahead with it as it will make things worse right now.

You will inevitably do the 'pick me' dance as it's called on here.
Please try not to though. It's demeaning and degrading and makes sure your self esteem stays on the floor. It also means that your 'D'H will have little respect for you.
Ensure you kick him out to get some head space.

You are married so of course you are entitled to a share of the house.
If you are main carer you can probably stay in the house.
Once you feel like you can, I would suggest a trip to a solicitor to see where you stand.
CAB can help you understand what benefits, tax credits, housing help you are entitled to.
It may just help to do some practical things right now.
Doesn't mean that it's the end just that you will know what is what fpr anything that might happen in the future.

I really do wish you well.
It may not feel like it now but I promise you, it will get better.
It will take time and you will have massive ups and downs.
Once the shock has worn off you can get angry and that is what will help you through all of this.

I really hope you can get through today and that your mum can help support you when she gets there.

I did go on the holiday 2 days after I had the I don't love you anymore speech. It was awful and good at the same time. I made a lot of effort and I went for the kids. I'm not saying that's what you should do but I felt with 2 days to go I had to and I bloody deserved the holiday! Also there was no affair which obviously changes the dynamics. I did have a full on melt down when I got home though. I kept it together for most of the holiday and glad for the kids but it was very hard. We did then separate after a few months and to be honest once I hit Christmas, I haven't looked back x

You are not weak and pathetic, he is, he has caused your pain, your turmoil, you didn't, did you.

You must share this with a friend, a family member, do not keep his dirty secret, get it out there, what exactly has he said to you, sounds like he has said and done fuck all since the revelation, nice man.

OP, I think you might find going on holiday with him will be intolerable, change the name, it doesn't cost that much, you deserve a holiday, he certainly doesn't.

Is he still seeing the OW?

Are you alright Polann? Just wanted to check in to see how your day went.