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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is he going to break up with me?

42 replies

Pandemic · 27/07/2014 14:29

So I've been with my current partner for around 6 months now and for the past few weeks we've been arguing a bit (over trivial stuff, typical!)

Well a few months ago we had an arguement and he said that I came across as patronising, as a result he refused to see or speak to me for 3 days. I'd text him every now and again and he just gave short, snappy replies. On the 4th day I rang him, and he was fine! I said that I didn't want to deal with this anymore and it wasn't fair, and he went on about how he was just about to ring me a bit later once he'd had a shower and that he was really sorry etc. etc. After that I had a serious talk with him and said that I was disgusted with the way that he acted and that if he ever did that again then it would be over.

And that now brings us to here, at the minute he lives over an hour away and most of my stuff is at his house. So basically should we break up I'll have to get the train and go and get it, although I'd hope that he'd meet me at the station with it all to make my life easier.

But anyway, on Friday evening we had another arguement over the phone, and apparantly I was being patronising so he hung up on me. I then sent him a text (which I know now was a HUGE mistake) saying to call me back and apologise for hanging up or its over (I KNOW IT WAS STUPID)
He then goes on a massive rant about how it should be me who apologises, he was genuinelty offended that I didn't ring him straight back to apologise!!
I tried to explain that I would apologise for my behaviour, however just hanging up the phone was the total wrong way to go about it. He disagreed and stood by his arguement that it was fine to hang up on me because he didn't want to listen to it anymore, I said why not just say so instead of hanging up and then getting pissed because I won't call you back to apologise!!

I said that in my world if I hang up on someone then I don't want to speak to them, therefore when he hung up on me I assumed that he didn't want to speak to me- not that he wanted me to ring him back with some grovelling apology.

Anyway as it pans out he then goes "I don't know if I can do this anymore" and says that part of him wants to break up with me and part of him doesn't. I said "Well if you want to or are leaning more towards breaking up with me then I'd appreciate it if you'd do it now rather than dragging this out." and he replied with "I don't want to drag this out for you but I just don't know."

I was polite with him and he said that he would speak to me soon and let me know what's going on.

Now personally I believe that you pretty much know if you want to break up with someone, especially when they say "if you're gonna do it, do it now" And from a logial point of view I would have thought that if he was going to break up with me then he would have done it by now.

Also, it's now Sunday so he 110% knows what he's going to do- he's just playing stupid games and not contacting me. I don't know whether it's beacause he's still sulking, or because he wants to 'punish me', or because he's scared.

I considered the perspective that he might want to break up with me but be scared, however that makes no sense because 1. He's broken up with girlfriends in the past and 2. Surely he would have done it when he was still angry and when I told him to do it if that's what he intended.

Now unlike last time he ignored me, this time I have made no effort to contact him and I won't.

Now then, if he breaks up with me then I know what I'm going to say- I'm just going to agree with him and say that it's for the best. There is no way that I'm going to beg and plead and cry, I did that once before with a previous partner and all it achieved was making me lose self respect.

However, I'm not entirely sure what to say if he wants to be with me- I'm certainly not going to collapse into floods of joyous tears and say how blessed I am to have such a stellar example of a man back!

I guess what I'm asking here is:

What do you guys think he's going to do? He is more likely to break up with me or not?

If he wants to be together, whats the best way to react/things to say?

I'm only asking these questions because I hate the not knowing, it's so frustrating! I just want to know where I stand so that I can deal with it.

Also I am unsure about whether I want to continue this relationship after all this, as frankly I have better things to do than deal with a manchild who sulks for days. However before making that decision I want to hear what he has to say and I want to get my stuff back, ie. if he wants to stay together then I will listen to what he says, go and see him this weekend and get my stuff and then have a think about whether this is what I really want.

I know that last time he sulked I said that I would end it, however as I mentioned before making that judgement I do want to get my stuff back as I have a lot of important things at his apartment and I'd like to retrive everything as amically as possible.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 27/07/2014 14:31

FFS..... why is it all about what he wants and what he's going to do? If you've had enough then tell him it's over. You've threatened it before so you have to follow through. Get your stuff back afterwards

Original poster

Pandemic · 27/07/2014 14:36

The reason that I want to get my stuff back before is that I suffer from anxiety so having to travel all that way on my own (no one who can come with me) to get everything under those circumstances with him no doubt acting up would be really hard for me. I suffer from panic attacks and the last thing I want to happen is to end up having one under those circumstances.

OP posts:

Guiltypleasures001 · 27/07/2014 14:36

Get a mate with a car give them a tenner and go and get your stuff and stop faffing around with this wank badger

tribpot · 27/07/2014 14:36

Whilst not disputing his manchild tendencies, you sound pretty high maintenance as well, OP. Neither of you seem to be happy in this relationship, neither of you know how to communicate effectively with the other. But why are you stressing yourself on a Sunday afternoon about whether he will finish with you and what to do if he does/doesn't?

Do you want to be with him? I can't see why. You finish it and then get your stuff back, or ask a friend to go and pick it up for you. The two issues are not connected. You can't decide not to dump him solely to retrieve your stuff. Why is your stuff all at the house of someone you've been dating for six months?

TillyWithercoat · 27/07/2014 14:38

Sounds like too much effort, to me.

ThistleDoMeNicely · 27/07/2014 14:40

Get on a train, pick up your stuff and tell him where to go!

Original poster

Pandemic · 27/07/2014 14:40

I know, I make no excuses for my faults and part in this.

I suppose it's silly really to get so stressed about it, I just can't seem to help getting so worked up.
It's because I was up there last weekend and I was supposed to be going up this weekend so I left most of my belongings there because it made no sense to haul it all back and forth for a few days- however extraneous circumstances meant that I couldn't go this weekend (not related to the arguing)

OP posts:

hamptoncourt · 27/07/2014 14:40

What do you mean "most of my stuff is at his house?"

What stuff? If you can live without it all the time you aren't at his then you can live without it full stop. Why would you leave "important things" at the house of someone you have been in a piss poor relationship with for a few months?

LuluJakey1 · 27/07/2014 14:42

TBH I think you sound quite scary and dominant.

Maybe he genuinely has feelings for you but finds this hard to deal with and does not know if it is how he wants to live. He sounds the opposite of you. You come across as strong and assertive and him easier going and a bit of a ditherer who avoids confrontation if he can.

Doesn't sound good really.

Original poster

Pandemic · 27/07/2014 14:45

The stuff is things like my GHD's, my clothes, hair extentions, jewellery etc. All stuff which I could live without for 5 days but not permenantly!

Please stop grilling me about leaving a suitcase full of my stuff there, it was the weekend of my uni graduation and my parents (who are not in the country) drove me to the graduation and then I stayed at my partners house- so as you can imagine there is a lot of stuff there that I would like to get back.

OP posts:

hamptoncourt · 27/07/2014 14:45

Again, "most of my belongings." Why would you leave most of your belongings to someone's house when you are just there for the weekend? This is making no sense whatsoever OP.

You were fine without this stuff all week, so it isn't actually necessary is it? It just sounds like an excuse to see him again and create more drama.

Original poster

Pandemic · 27/07/2014 14:52

No, you are jumping a ridiculous conclusion there. If I liked the drama then I would have gotten the train down there already, but actually I don't want to rock the boat- hence why I haven't contacted him.

I was there for 5 days, from Thursday-Monday and supposed to be returning on Friday. Why is that so hard for you to get your head around?

My GHD's, hair extensions, Tiffany jewellery, clothes and dress (from graduation) are worth 100's of pounds so yes it's fucking neccesary to have them back.

Ps. I know that my stuff will be safe with him, I would just like to retrive it under calmer circumstances so as to avoid having a major panic attack in a city far removed from friends and family.

OP posts:

hamptoncourt · 27/07/2014 14:56

It's hard to get my head around because you said "I was up there last weekend" not "I was up there for 5 days"

All that stuff you listed is not worth all the emotional strain you say this is likely to put you through. Good luck

Original poster

Pandemic · 27/07/2014 14:58

Last weekend was just easier to say, I was actually there from Thursday (when I graduated) to Monday morning.

Thank you.

OP posts:

Lesnewth · 27/07/2014 15:29

All of your stuff could be replaced if it needed to be, so it's not THAT important.
Why are you putting up with such shoddy behaviour? He doesn't get to decide everything! Take back some control and tell him to do one!

HumblePieMonster · 27/07/2014 15:35

Get your stuff.
Forget him.

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 27/07/2014 15:38

Just reading your post you seem quite controlling and high maintenence.

Tbh you sound mismatched.

FlatCapAndAWhippet · 27/07/2014 15:38

That sounds quite harsh, dont mean it to be.

ravenmum · 27/07/2014 15:40

So if he dumps you, you'll agree - and if he wants you, you won't be pleased. If so, why wait for him to do any dumping? You clearly can't stand him and want to break up. If you suffer from anxiety, why add to it by waiting to be rejected? Very simplistically, maybe being the one to do the dumping would give you a nice, positive feeling of being the one in control!

Haven't you got a parent, uncle, cousin, ex etc. who can drive you over there? Obviously, as a student, a couple of suitcases IS all your belongings, so it's not that odd to leave all your belongings at someone else's!

gamerchick · 27/07/2014 15:49

Tell him you're going away for a few days and you'll be I touch when you get back. Go over with somebody and get your stuff back.. If stuff is far more important than your relationship then it's dead in the water anyway.

Give yourself those few days to find somebody to take you for your gear.

At 6 months in it really shouldn't be like that.. take control and stop complicating the while thing.

FuckTheMagicDragon · 27/07/2014 16:32

Long distance relationships, with major discussions via phone are incredibly difficult under the best of circumstances. Your are both (from the sound of it) in your early 20s I take it? This bloke may not be the one for you. It's good that you are clear in your mind what you will and won't put up with. Not so good that you are waiting for him to make the decision to brake up or not.

Send him a text that you you're sorry, but you don't think this will work at the moment and you'll be in touch to pick up your stuff.

EveMarieSaint · 27/07/2014 19:35

You do sound patronising. You're riding around on a very high horse with a complete lack of self-awareness.

I think you should stop thinking about him and start considering your own behaviour.

VitoCorleone · 27/07/2014 19:47

I think you need to grow up and sort yourself out, nevermind what he wants or doesn't want, sort out what you want

Bustarhymes · 27/07/2014 20:01

Am I the only person who thinks he kind of already has dumped you but you didn't want to listen?

Bad luck OP, you're better off out of it, to be honest. Ask a friend to get your stuff.

TonyThePony · 27/07/2014 20:35

Far too much drama, far too little respect.

It sounds like you're only maintaining the relationship with your 'partner' because of logistical issues with your hair straighteners.

You can't just wait around for him to decide what he wants, take control; communicate or end it.

I'd end it to be honest, but that's because I'm too lazy for phone dramas.

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