Too young to be in a committed relationship?

[TheBloodManCometh]

Hi, I'm looking for some practical, no nonsense advice. I've always got great feedback on here

I am 23 years old (next week) and I have been living with my boyfriend for 4 years this September (he is 27).
We recently bought a house together and share the majority of our possessions. We have a dog, a cat and two rabbits.
I love him very much and he loves me.
He is kind, thoughtful and very caring and we both see a future together.

I feel very secure in our relationship and trust him deeply. I've always had very bad relationships with men (my father and step father were both abusive) so hadn't experienced a stable relationship with male figure up until OH. I also used to self harm excessively and have an instable personality (very high, very low) which has calmed down significantly since I've been in this relationship. (I no longer self harm). My best friend thinks he is a very good influence.

However, throughout our whole relationship I've always wondered what it'd be like to not be in the relationship. This has risen and fallen from simple "what ifs" to down right fantasies.

We also have pretty different aspirations/ambitions. OH is a very hardworker and puts 100% into everything however I know that he would be happy working in a low grade job for the rest of his life, he doesn't really have any career aspirations. (He is not lazy though). His currently salary is about £16,000

I however have big ambitions, just nowhere to put them. I jump from idea to idea and don't really have any long term interests or hobbies. I'm a very flash in the pan person. Having said that, I have built myself a fairly solid career in both admin and nannying and either one would bring me £25-£30k a year (I'm currently on a nanny run).

I am comfortable with him intimately but dislike extended periods of physical contact. Our sex life has significantly dimished over the years but is still what I'd describe as healthy.

I would live a very different life in my 20s if I was single.

I know that if I wasn't with him I would feel quite rudderless.

I'm frightened of staying with him and missing out on being single and "free". I'm frightened of staying and then breaking up later on in life because we are not perfect and having missed out on life. I'm frightened of staying and resenting him - which he does not deserve.

I'm frightened of leaving in case we are good together and I'm just having a grass is greener outlook. I'm frightened of leaving and having nothing.

Any advice is appreciated. My apologies for the essay!!!

What about a trial separation? have you spoken to him about it?
Do you actually love him or is it convenience? I have been with DH since I was 13 and he was 15 and were both now the wrong side of 30 but I can honestly say I still love him as much as I ever did and I an still in love with him as I was in highschool, we have problems, we fight and we argue but we want to remain together and this is what you must figure out yourself.

The other thing you have to consider is untangling yourself financially from the relationship if you do decide to leave because mortgages have get out clauses with financial implications and to put the house back up for sale could also be a headache not even heading towards division of assets.

Thanks for the reply, Lally. (So late, too!)

I'm currently away with work, its almost 5 weeks in total, I have two weeks left to go. I plan to chat to him about it when we get back.

I haven't really been in love before so I can't honestly say I know what it is/feels like.
I want to remain together but I worry that I shouldn't be wondering about the other life.

I'm currently waiting on DH getting up for his 4am shift start today so I can have my own car because his stupid Renault is in the garage

If it was love you would know it, there really isn't any mistaking it. I think you need to talk to him about it.

The other advice I give you is never buy a French car - or you too could be sitting up at this time like me, tah dah!

My car is a vintage VW beetle, its twice my age and not going anywhere!

I think I need to have a good think
My gut feeling is to stay, does that mean anything?

Being young means a whole period in your life where you can experiment and experience many things which, of course incorporates, relationships. You have been with OH for quite a while and since you were very young and it's becoming tedious. That's how long term relationships can become. The excitement of the beginning of the relationship wanes after a period of time. I know many people who met at a young age who are still in loving relationships many, many years later but as other OP commented, it's because, regardless of the huge ups and downs, they still ultimately want to be together.
Please don't be fooled into thinking that the grass is necessarily greener. In my experience, once you have climbed the fence you find the grass is pretty much the same on the other side.
You have invested a great deal with this man and buying a house together is a huge commitment. I think it's all looking just a tad too boring and committed now and you are panicking.
To split up with this man that you love, you will then have to go it alone, you will have to divide up 'custody' of your pets, you will lose your house once you have to sell it and these are huge, huge life changing factors. The loss of these things could leave you feeling scared and extremely insecure and with your history of self harm I appeal to you to think very carefully before you make any decision to leave as you can't change your mind again once you have broken up the relationship. There will be no going back again. There may well be better things, more exciting things, new opportunities awaiting you out there. Just proceed with great care as I would hate to see you revert to self harming because of the insecure period you would have to go through once you turn your world upside down. If you decide to leave make sure you have
a network in place (friends, family, professionals) who can help you through the huge transition.
We all have to make choices and decisions in life and we then have to live by the consequences, both good and bad, of those choices.

Thank you, heyday. It is good to have another perspective.
I think you are right, its a lot of commitment quite early on but doesn't mean its wrong.
As lally said, I need to have a chat with OH

There's a lot about you and what you get and don't get from the relationship. What about him and what he does and doesn't get.

I honestly believe that successful relationship are built on the fact that they are the most important thing in the world to you, more important than yourself. Of course anyone reading that who doesn't subscribe to that view would see me as a disgrace to womankind! What they neglect to remember though is that a relationship is a couple, and it's not just one partner who does this, it's both.

Being in a relationship for me is about taking on the role of doing all you can to make the other person happy. If one, or both partners neglect to do this, that's when the relationship isn't as successful as it might be.

I would suggest that, if you are having doubts, you should act on them rather than ignore them. It is very easy to settle for a slightly disappointing relationship when it's not bad enough to end but not good enough to make you enthusiastic either. IME if you have a different vision of the future e.g. you are ambitious and he is a plodder, then that could open up a serious gap into which things like resentment, dissatisfaction and contempt will slip in and take up residence. I would go further and say it's already happening.

Warnings about 'the grass is greener' are sometimes valid but sometimes just a way of telling someone to park their ambition, have no imagination and try nothing new. Occasionally in life you have to take a risk and have the courage of your convictions. You might succeed or you might fall flat on your arse but at least it's taking some control and living rather than simply existing. Do nothing at all for the sake of green grass and the 'what ifs' will follow you to the grave.

Sounds as if you are clinging on to your boyfriend because he offers you stability .
You are very young to be closing doors just to have stability. If you have doubts now the odds are those doubts will grow. Even if you were single for another 10 years you'd still have time to have a family and settle down in your early- mid 30s.

FWIW one of my DCs split with their partner at 23/24 - renting a house together- after 4 years ( they met at uni.) Not their choice- the partner ended it. But they have blossomed incredibly since.

I think all young people need some time as singletons in their 20s, to live life and feel no regrets when and if they settle down later.

Should add that, as a 19 yo woman coming out of an abusive family environment and experiencing behavioural and MH problems, you would have had very little idea who you were as a person. Your friend is right that he has been a very good influence and that you are calmer and more secure now. He has provided the 'parenting' you missed out on in that respect and you have grown in confidence. However, just because he's been kind to you, and just because you love him, that doesn't mean you are obliged to maintain the status quo.

I am 23. Split with ex after 3.5 years, last year. We were living together (although only for about 6 months). Entirely different circumstances, he was a cock...but I must say I am so glad he was. I probably wouldn't have split if he hadn't done anything "wrong". I knew it wasn't right for a while but just assumed it was normal. I wasn't happy before starting the relationship but I didn't really know "happiness" so didn't realise how unhappy I was. Things didn't get better or worse with him. Maybe a bit worse, actually. I hadn't "found myself" when we met. I think I have now. I didn't know I could be this happy. Feels surreal.

I am so glad that I took the opportunity to have a long period of being single, at the age I am. I really know myself. Continuing to learn more, obviously.

Obviously your situation is different. Romantic relationships aren't important to me anymore. I don't need or particularly want "a family" etc. I have some quite intense hobbies so being "single" for me means immersing myself in those rather than going out and having a wild time. Done with that. I am essentially a very independent person with very few social needs. You may be different. Some people need the regular social interaction that relationships bring. And enjoy it (living together I hated, just needed more time alone)- that could make things quite different for you, if it applies. If you leave and are assuming that you'll be out all the time having a great time, you may be wrong. A lot of my friends are settling down now or too busy with work. Still see friends more often now single, but not loads. May be same for you. So my advice if you did decide to leave would be to make sure you keep busy. Don't be tricked into thinking just because you're a bit bored alone, the relationship is perfect.

Overall I probably tend to agree with cogito

I was brought up in a stifling, controlling and psychologically abusive environment on an extremely tight leash, and suffered MH issues. After one or two brief relationships I met now dh when I was nearly 21. I was his first girlfriend. We married when I was 23 and have now been married nearly 14 years. We have two children, have grown and developed together and come through rough periods. We're happy.

I didn't ever, at your stage of things, have the kind of doubts or discontent you are describing. We had a rather unusual external pressure going on - my parents rejected him (for no good reason) to the extent that they bullied me for months to leave him and cut me off when I didn't. I don't know what things would have been like had we not had that going on, but time seems to have indicated we made the right decision.

One thing I would say to your fears of staying is that 'perfect' doesn't exist. Leaving a good relationship with ideas of finding The One is unlikely to be successful in the way you imagine it is. However, what you say of worrying about missing out on life does make alarm bells ring for me. I never, at any stage, despite having settled down at a similarly early age to you, felt I was missing out on life. Life was lived with dh. We have always been fairly independent in our social lives - are you? That doesn't make all the difference, however - we still did lots of things together, but they felt shared, not stifled.

Talk to him. Communicate. Be honest. Ask him how he is feeling. Think together about the future. Then revisit everything for yourself and see if your feelings have changed or whether the sense of being restricted in your life and development is still there. Perhaps talk it over with someone external. Cogito's distinction between existing and living is a very pertinent one and one you could use for yourself to work out how things feel to you.

I don't think it's because you're too young a such, my partner and I are younger than you both (respectively) and have been together longer but don't feel we have missed out. I think the problem is more to do with his lack of ambition clashing with your values, this would be the same if you'd met aged 35, I suppose it's just more evident when you're getting your career started.

I understand you may feel resentful sometimes but look at the bigger picture.

It's worth remembering that most people change hugely between 20 and 30, or even 35-ish.
Most ( about 90%) of my old school friends are no longer with the person they met when they were 19 or 20, even if they went on to marry them.

I think OP that you have found a substitute 'parenting' set up with your DP. I don't mean this unkindly but the way that you wrote about the pets you had reminded me of someone much younger= when children are asked to write about their family, they often say 'There is me, mum and dad, my sister Lou, and our pet rabbits Snowy and Silky...'
So it's as if you see the whole set up with your boyfriend as a little 'family', replacing the make father figure you didn't really have.
It seems that the reason you are staying is because you are afraid of change .

You don't have to end up with 'nothing' which is what you fear. But even if you did have a few years with no significant relationship, is that so terrible? It's not healthy to have a co-dependent relationship- at 23 you should be forging ahead with your own life, living your dreams, and being prepared to take risks. Nothing will ever be so care free again!

Have the courage to follow your gut instincts.

I am going to take a different view from the last few posters.

My relationship with DW was the first serious romantic relationship that I've had. Touch wood it will be the only one I will have in my life. We have been married 5 years, and were together for 4 years before that. Even so, I still idly wonder what my life would be like if I'd stayed single, or if I'd played the field a bit more before I settled down. In life there are always going to be choices you make which close off other options, and if you have even an ounce of imagination you will sometimes wonder 'what if I'd chosen differently', but that isn't necessarily a sign you made the wrong choice.

In my case the thoughts are idle wonder: the grass does sometimes look greener on the other side of the fence, but I remember that I was unhappy when I was single and I'm happy now, and the green grass on the other side is, for me anyway, just an illusion.

In your case you need to think about whether you are happy and content in your relationship. If you are, and these thoughts are just idle wonder like mine, then you will regret acting on them. But if you realise that you aren't happy, then maybe this is a wake up call that things need to change.

Hi

DH and I got together at 16. At 19 I broke it off because I was worried I had not had another serious relationship (What else was out there?) That lasted 3 months. We have been together for 26 years now.

I think you are concerned about his aspirations more than anything. If you stay will you have the life you want? You need to discuss your goals and put together a 5 or 10 year plan to get there.

It's a very difficult one and there's no easy answer I'm afraid. Whatever you do, don't make any rash decisions. I would think very long and hard before deciding either way what to do.

You may have different career aspirations but that doesn't necessarily mean you're incompatible with each other. You say you're ambitious but at the moment it does sound like you're a bit of a floater. Maybe he's the same. What are these big plans that you have? Are you sure you're not dissatisfied with other areas of your life, such as career, and are projecting that onto your relationship? Have you discussed marriage and children with him? Are you honestly happy with your sex life? Is he? Why did you buy a house with him? Is it because you genuinely want a future with him or was it his idea and you drifted along with it? How would you live your life differently if you were single? You don't have to answer all these questions on here, they're just things for you to think about.

It does sound like it could be a case of grass is greener syndrome, it's very easy to have when you've only been in one serious relationship. Equally, you don't sound that passionate about him but that could just be because you're in a bit of a rut. You need to talk to him about your future plans, careers, children, sex etc. Maybe you do need a trial separation but that's something I think you should decide after you've had an in-depth discussion with him. Of course, he may react badly to the suggestion and want to end the relationship completely and that may be a risk you have to take. My main advice would be not to rush into any decision. You've got plenty of time to think about what it is you really want.

Have you thought about seeing the positives in your differences? If you have lots of ambition and he's a hard worker - why not consider some sort of business venture together where you'll be the brains and he'll be the brawn.

Maybe you just need some excitement / something different in your lives.

With your history I think you need to give matters serious thought - the grass isn't always greener.

Thank you all to everyone so far for your amazing advice. I've read through it all. I'm working at the moment so can't reply much yet but I just wanted to say thank you for taking the time. I'll be back soon.

Hi. I'm 35 and have been with my dh since I was 18. I met him 4 weeks after my dad died.

We moved in together after 6 weeks (he was renting a room and the ll was getting married and my family home was being sold - very much a case of it seemed silly to both rent separate rooms / flats.

We bought a house when I was 20 and been married for 7 years.

I'm ambitious. Dh happy to stay in his current job. That's how it works for us. Both being ambitious has it's own challenges.

We've had our times when we've felt it's a bit tedious but we've found ways to overcome them.

I often wonder 'what if' but I know I found my Mr Right young and am thankful we'll build a lifetime of memories together.

If ever I find myself waning I jut ask myself how I'd feel if I ever got the knock on the door....

Oops! Married for 9 years! Planning big party for 10th anniversary!

From your OP I'd day that I'm you but older. Terrible relationships until I met DH at 18, and a lot of MH issues/ low self-esteem. There were times when I thought life would be more exciting without DH but actually the stability he brings me has allowed me to become a more stable person and to fulfill many ambitions in my life. It took a few incidents of nearly losing him in the early years to really get there... now I would never want to be without him. So for me, I'd say that DH was truly the person I needed to be with, and it was my issues that nearly fucked that up. Perhaps its the same for you, or perhaps not.

Strangers on the internet won't be able to diagnose your relationship. But as was said up thread, people change hugely in their 20s and 30s. I personally found out who I "was" when I was single, it's harder to do that when you're in a relationship.

All I would say is don't have children too young, or while you're still having doubts. That's a game changer.

You sound lovely btw :)

Puggy- I don't want to rain on your parade but the stats do show that people who get married young are more likely to split than people who wait. The average age of marriage now is something like 31 for a man and 29-30 for a woman.

Young love can work, but people do change. What someone wants at 20 is rarely the same as what they want at 40 or 50 or 60.

If you both mature at the same time and want the same things that's great- but because there is potential for change between the ages of 2-30/35, it's always going to be a risk.

20-30/35!