Too young to be in a committed relationship?

[TheBloodManCometh]

Hi, I'm looking for some practical, no nonsense advice. I've always got great feedback on here

I am 23 years old (next week) and I have been living with my boyfriend for 4 years this September (he is 27).
We recently bought a house together and share the majority of our possessions. We have a dog, a cat and two rabbits.
I love him very much and he loves me.
He is kind, thoughtful and very caring and we both see a future together.

I feel very secure in our relationship and trust him deeply. I've always had very bad relationships with men (my father and step father were both abusive) so hadn't experienced a stable relationship with male figure up until OH. I also used to self harm excessively and have an instable personality (very high, very low) which has calmed down significantly since I've been in this relationship. (I no longer self harm). My best friend thinks he is a very good influence.

However, throughout our whole relationship I've always wondered what it'd be like to not be in the relationship. This has risen and fallen from simple "what ifs" to down right fantasies.

We also have pretty different aspirations/ambitions. OH is a very hardworker and puts 100% into everything however I know that he would be happy working in a low grade job for the rest of his life, he doesn't really have any career aspirations. (He is not lazy though). His currently salary is about £16,000

I however have big ambitions, just nowhere to put them. I jump from idea to idea and don't really have any long term interests or hobbies. I'm a very flash in the pan person. Having said that, I have built myself a fairly solid career in both admin and nannying and either one would bring me £25-£30k a year (I'm currently on a nanny run).

I am comfortable with him intimately but dislike extended periods of physical contact. Our sex life has significantly dimished over the years but is still what I'd describe as healthy.

I would live a very different life in my 20s if I was single.

I know that if I wasn't with him I would feel quite rudderless.

I'm frightened of staying with him and missing out on being single and "free". I'm frightened of staying and then breaking up later on in life because we are not perfect and having missed out on life. I'm frightened of staying and resenting him - which he does not deserve.

I'm frightened of leaving in case we are good together and I'm just having a grass is greener outlook. I'm frightened of leaving and having nothing.

Any advice is appreciated. My apologies for the essay!!!

I'm not parading. I haven't said it's all rosy but then what relationship is perfect.

Just because the stats say x amount of relationships fail doesn't mean they all will.

I met my husband when we were 19 and we moved in together when we were about 25 and got married at 30. I didn't feel I missed out on life because life happened with him. We socialised together and apart and did a bit of travelling together and apart. I don't think there was much I would have done if single in that time that I didn't do.

Maybe the difference is that we took it slow, we weren't in any hurry to settle down.

Just because the stats say x amount of relationships fail doesn't mean they all will

Exactly. What the stats say is that a certain percentage will- and a certain percentage won't.

I personally don't know anyone that waiting until their 30s to get married, they mostly wanted to have children in wedlock and so married around the ages of 26-27, no divorces yet!

Custard - just some stats for you

Age at marriage

We were married at 19 and 20 and have lived a much wilder life than most single people. There isnt really anything we havent done.

Dh isnt as career minded at me but tbh thats great as he is looking after children whilst I study for a professional masters. I am not housewife material and wouldnt have it any other way so could be a great bonus when you start having babies.

I know there stats are there, I'm just saying from personal experience. Divorce is very, very low in my area. I can think of two divorces ever!

I think for us the key has been that we've both had the freedom to do our own thing such as hobbies and nights out / holidays with friends etc.

We also treat all money as 'ours' which has been the case from the early days when dh earned a lot more than me as he was 3 years older and then I've gone on to earn more than him it's balanced out.

I agree with pp. We've not missed out on life as we've lived it together. We've had amazing holidays and done some crazy things. There have been times where we've plodded a bit but that's generally been linked to stressful periods at work / illness. All things everybody goes through in some shape or form.

We were together first out of both our group of friends and the last ones to get married and have children. We've seen 2 divorces in our groups and many people refer to us as the strongest couple. I don't think we're perfect but we keep any issues either between us or with our closest friends.

I posted on this thread as I was in a very vulnerable place when we met as I was in college and my dad had just died (suicide). There had been a lead up to this so it wasn't a surprise. My dh was my knight in shining armour and his family embraced me.

Only the passage of time has made me realise just where I was. I didn't feel it at the time so it's not like I've spent these years being grateful to him.

He works locally and if I see him out and about in his works vehicle my heart still skips a beat. I still think he's gorgeous after all these years.

Do you still have these feelings for your dh? If I was assessing like you are now, that's where I would start.

Maybe the difference is that we took it slow, we weren't in any hurry to settle down

This has struck a particular chord with me. I really need to slow down and calm down. We aren't in any rush really.

Do you still have these feelings for your dh? Yes but it isn't wild passion, more a deep feeling of satisfaction when I see him.

Its probably relevant to say that I have been working A LOT the past year, and a lot of that time is away. Since Apr last year I've been working in London at the weekends, every weekend (nannying) and up to June I was also working mon-fri in a VERY stressful office job. I quit that and became a freeland nanny but the last 3 months have been 80% away. I'm currently in the US for 5 weeks.
I was working in the US for christmas and newyear, in Italy for my mothers birthday and I'm missing my own birthday during this US trip.

I'm never home. It was 6 months before I saw our new house in the daylight.

also known as a freelance nanny!

You sound very strong and sensible. You say you jump from thing to thing but actually sound far more focused and mature about career and finances than a lot of 23 year olds. Follow your gut feelings on the relationship, but if you do want to leave, I don't think you'd be rudderless, I think you'd probably be fine.

I am in a similar position to you OP having met my DH when I was 19 - I always wish I'd have met him later on in life or maybe had my heart broken a few times as I don't have any other relationship to compare it to.

I also don't get the feeling of wild passion when I see my OH after a few days apart. More a feeling of being home and content. I don't know if that's what happens after a long time together or not.

I do hope you manage to work things out as I know how hard it is also struggling in the same predicament.

Now that you have described how your life has been for the last 6 months, I wonder if your relationship is sustainable long term?
It sounds as if you are using your boyfriend as a comfy backdrop to your life while you forge ahead doing your own thing.
Why would you want to spend so much time apart and in another country?
You've missed key dates and moving into your shared home together. Why?
This does imply that your own life- without him- is more important than doing things together, day to day.
Unless you cannot get work locally why are you working overseas - which means you don't see much of each other?

I think he must be very laid back because many blokes would be royally pissed off with their partner not being around for important social occasions and putting their own needs first.

Why would you want to spend so much time apart and in another country?
You've missed key dates and moving into your shared home together. Why?

Because otherwise I would have to quit my job and we would have to risk me being unemployed in the long term.
I haven't "chosen" to work overseas necessarily, the family that i work for are on holiday and have taken me with them.
I want to come home every hour that I'm away.

However once I'm back from this mega trip, I will be home for 2 whole months solidly and I promised I wouldn't go away for christmas again.

I'm a bit hurt that it seems like I'm using my boyfriend to "do my own thing" when I hate this part of my job but its necessary. Does it really seem that way?

Its really easy to romanticise ‘single life’ and being young, free and single. As you’ve not been single as an adult you haven’t had the loneliness of being alone when friends are all off with BFs, the awful dates, the idiots who do a disappearing act etc.

Its easy to feel like its all fun, character building and an experience. Yes it probably is but at the same time when you cant see an end in sight its really not fun. Therefore i think you are looking at things from the safe haven of your relationship and maybe hoping for a “break” and would be able to go back to your OH when you are ready. What if he wont have you back, what if he met someone else?

Why not shake your life up together. You could suggest you both save for the next 6 months and then go travelling for 6 months (obviously need a pet sitter), get a little adventure together.

I think it's difficult for you OP.
I have been married for a very long time to DH who travels overseas a lot. But it was part of the deal when we married and I knew it brought pros and cons. He could have chosen a role within the company that demanded even more travel but didn't because he wanted to put the family first. But I get the impression - may be wrongly- that your DP isn't entirely happy with you being away so much. Added to which you have doubts yourself about whether you'd be better off uncommitted.

In your case, you seem to be very much 'finding yourself' and what you want to do with your career.

Taking a job which necessitates long-ish periods away and being 'on duty' over key family times is a lifestyle choice. Your option is not be unemployed. Your option is to find a job that doesn't involve overseas travel and weekend work. Nannying ( unless 9-5, Mon-Fri) is not the right job if you want to avoid those things.

I think you need to decide where you career is going, what your DP wants from work long term and how you each get what you want and manage to be a couple. If he only earns £16K this is a low salary for someone of his age ( average salary is £27K) so you do need to ask if he is right for you as you seem more ambitious and - frankly- must be taking on the largest share of your joint outgoings.

As you said yourself, the difference in your ambitions might be something that will make you incompatible long term. I don't know- but you need to realise that at 23 your options are wide open and you ought not to be held back by being in a relationship that might stifle them.