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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

H leaving really need some advice please!

50 replies

Lostalot · 26/07/2014 20:00

Hi there
I am posting to get some advice a specially from some of you that may have been in a similar situation.
My h is leaving me with a two and a three year old. He seems to have some idealistic view of what a marriage should be like and I am not living up to it. We went to relate but very quickly he said he didn't want to work at it. Therefore we are parting. I am so angry about his lack of commitment but I won't go into detail basically that's that.
We are still living in the same house. I am in his area where I have lived for 8 years. My family and a few friends live 100 miles away. I have made some friends here and like the area.
I am now in terrible dilemma - weather to move move to my home town or stay here. If I stay my xh will help( although you never know he might meet someone). I have a pretty good job part time but I find it very stressful and don't know if I would manage it once I am on my own. I could just afford to to take on the morgage. I like the area like I said but schools aren't very good especially secondary it's quite rough.
Alternately my parents have offered that if I move back to my home area they will help me with a a small morgage ( on top decent down payment of mine) which I will take over once I have a job. And they would help out as much as they could. This would give me a chance to move to an area with better schools. And perhaps find a job I feel happier about.However, it's not an area I would automatically pick for myself though not too bad either. I keep changing my mind which is the worst bit. Sometimes I am ok and sometimes it's all too much. The other thing is that really I feel I need to have decided and have an address by
Xmas so as to put dc1 nam down for school so I am really feeling the pressure to decide. I realise I am so lucky to have these options. Advice would be really appreciated. Sorry it's so long!

OP posts:

Lookingforabetteryear · 26/07/2014 20:05

Having being tossed into lone parenting all I will say is go to where your family are. You cannot trust this man now. He might not want to see kids regularly or may leave you without any fall back when kids are sick/ you need to work etc. ensure you sort out maintenance with him and then go and live near your family. They will be your rock. You may not love your hometown but you can always move when things are more settled.

Original poster

Lostalot · 26/07/2014 20:09

Thank you lookingforabetteryear really appreciate your reply x

OP posts:

Lookingforabetteryear · 26/07/2014 20:13

My pleasure. It would also allow you to create a set plan of access with your children. As you are 100 miles away, he wont be able to just nip to you then back to his etc, it will have to
Be organised. I'm sorry you are going through this. You must feel so rejected.

JacksLady · 26/07/2014 20:14

I agree, move to where your family is.
They will be more supportive on every level-emotionally, financially-even if its just free childcare while you work or socialise.

GrannyOnTheSchoolRun · 26/07/2014 20:14

I would head home and take all the comfort and help from mum and dad that you can get.

I would also want my children to head home if they'd been living away.

InTheNorth123 · 26/07/2014 20:19

I'd also head home. Lone parenting is hard and can be lonely at times. You'll probably need the emotional support most in the beginning

NumberOneFan · 26/07/2014 20:20

Yes, head home. I did this years ago although I was very young with no children, it was absolutely the right decision. A brand new start. Good luck OP

Original poster

Lostalot · 26/07/2014 20:27

Thankyou for your messages it really does help to get different peoples opinions. I suppose I am concerned that in returning home I feel like a failure. But perhaps that situation is bigger than that. Also concern that I am taking them away from their father.

OP posts:

KiaOraOAotearoa · 26/07/2014 20:34

No, going home doesn't mean failure, it means you have roots and support.
Everything else will be new, being single, moving house etc. in order to cope with what's coming it's sensible to have a support network and some degree of familiarity.
Good luck.

Allalonenow · 26/07/2014 20:43

I'd advise moving nearer your parents as they will be much more dependable for support than your ExH.
I wouldn't worry about taking the children away from their father, he split the family when he left them, and any man who leaves two such small children isn't a very responsible father.

Itsfab · 26/07/2014 20:48

Stick with who has never let you down..

BlackDaisies · 26/07/2014 20:52

You're absolutely not a failure. It is so tough at first but one day you will look at your children and the home you've created and feel such a fierce love and pride for your little family. There can be something very , very special about picking up the pieces all by yourself, getting to the point where you find peace and knowing it's all down to you. I would also go to where you feel most supported.

CarryOnDancing · 26/07/2014 20:54

I agree that it would be nice to see your family and benefit from their support but I also think it's really important that your children have a relationship with their father.

Obviously what he is like as a father and the input he will provide will help your decision but I don't see it as a case of him breaking up the family and therefore screw him.

As much as it hurts, he doesn't love you anymore but he will still love the children exactly the same amount as before and that won't change.

When women come on MN people always advise not to stay together for the children and this is just unfortunately what has happened. It's a really terrible blow for you and I'm so sorry it's happened but he's decided not to stay just for the sake of the children and that is valid.

You can both parent together without living together. So I guess it's just all down to the involvement that the father wants.
Where is he from? Would he move too?

BIWI · 26/07/2014 20:54

Go home. Go home to people who love you and will help and support you, unlike your husband.

WeirdCatLady · 26/07/2014 20:58

A failure for moving back home? If one of your children falls over and needs a mommy hug to make them feel better would you consider them a failure? Of course not. Your parents are just helping to pick you up and giving you a hug.

JustDrive · 26/07/2014 21:15

Go home. You will need all the support you can get.
Sure your xh will help out when it suits him. Seems to me OW involved already.
Fresh start and better schools for dc will benefit you all.
You seem really strong and level headed about this situation. Good luck OP.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/07/2014 21:24

Put me down on the 'move home' list. You need to be where you will have the most support and will be able to afford a home of your own without struggling to make ends meet.

Living near your parents is INVALUABLE when it comes to raising children whether you are married or single, but even more so single. You really can't depend on even the most reasonable ex the way you can on your parents when it comes to emergencies.

Would you say a married couple were a 'failure' if they moved back home in similar circumstances, say losing a job or such? Of course not. So why should a single parent be?

IMHO, a hundred miles isn't that far away for their father to travel to see them of a weekend or during his days off. As they get older, they'll be able to travel with him for longer visits or stay overnight nearby.

scarletforya · 26/07/2014 21:31

Definitely go back near your parents.

ApplebyMennym · 26/07/2014 21:47

When I left my ex for abusing me I moved to the other end of the country to be with my parents. That was nearly 7 years ago now and my son still has a relationship with his father.

It does mean that contact has to be more substantial than an afternoon, or a weekend, but it also means I am well away from him. My life is totally separate from his apart from where the little one is concerned. He can't call into my house to check up on me (which he definitely would have done if we lived closer).

The support from family is more important than you could ever imagine, take it with both hands!

EarthWindFire · 26/07/2014 21:58

Sure your xh will help out when it suits him. Seems to me OW involved already.

Where in the OP is there even a suggestion of that. People do break up without there being anyone else!

OP do what is right for you and the children, but make sure you allow children adequate contact with their father as CarryOnDancing has said.

LayMeDown · 26/07/2014 22:10

'You can both parent together without living together. So I guess it's just all down to the involvement that the father wants.'

No is absolutely not down to the involvement the father wants. He walked out on the marriage without even trying. His needs do not take priority over what is best for OP in thus situation. He can still have contact if OP moves. She should facilitate this. She does not need to tie herself to an area to make his life area or to try and encourage him to have contact.

To me it's a no brained OP move home. You need support now and the best available is at home.

LayMeDown · 26/07/2014 22:11

*make life easier not area

JustDrive · 26/07/2014 22:11

Earth - OP not living up to idealistic version of what he thinks a wife should be - quickly gave up on relate - OP is angry at his lack of commitment.
To me says something else going on, even with two young children, he wants to walk.

Anyway, his lack of commitment to the marriage says enough. You and your children should to be near to your supportive family who you can depend on. All the best in whatever you decide OP. Shit situation to be in, one that I totally get, and moving near my parents was a life line during the hardest moments.

bluebell345 · 26/07/2014 22:19

move where your family is, you can always trust them, your children are very young.
your h will build a new life, it will be upsetting for you.
if he wants to be a good father he can still do it if you move away.

Original poster

Lostalot · 26/07/2014 22:53

I have considered that perhaps he has a ow, strange as it seems I don't think so. But who really knows I know!

OP posts:

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