H leaving really need some advice please!

[Lostalot]

Hi there
I am posting to get some advice a specially from some of you that may have been in a similar situation.
My h is leaving me with a two and a three year old. He seems to have some idealistic view of what a marriage should be like and I am not living up to it. We went to relate but very quickly he said he didn't want to work at it. Therefore we are parting. I am so angry about his lack of commitment but I won't go into detail basically that's that.
We are still living in the same house. I am in his area where I have lived for 8 years. My family and a few friends live 100 miles away. I have made some friends here and like the area.
I am now in terrible dilemma - weather to move move to my home town or stay here. If I stay my xh will help( although you never know he might meet someone). I have a pretty good job part time but I find it very stressful and don't know if I would manage it once I am on my own. I could just afford to to take on the morgage. I like the area like I said but schools aren't very good especially secondary it's quite rough.
Alternately my parents have offered that if I move back to my home area they will help me with a a small morgage ( on top decent down payment of mine) which I will take over once I have a job. And they would help out as much as they could. This would give me a chance to move to an area with better schools. And perhaps find a job I feel happier about.However, it's not an area I would automatically pick for myself though not too bad either. I keep changing my mind which is the worst bit. Sometimes I am ok and sometimes it's all too much. The other thing is that really I feel I need to have decided and have an address by
Xmas so as to put dc1 nam down for school so I am really feeling the pressure to decide. I realise I am so lucky to have these options. Advice would be really appreciated. Sorry it's so long!

Carry on dancing
He said he considered moving to near where my family live though wouldn't want to be 'the Bady'. He also said that although he loves the children he has more to his life.

He has more to his life? That makes me so angry on your behalf. Luckily for our children they are our lives. Seems like he wants to be a part time dad. I feel sorry for him and all he'll miss.
But never mind about him, he's made up his mind, just think about what is best for you and DCs.

What an immature prat! So he has "more to his life than his children", does he? As far as I'm concerned you need bother about him no more! After all his children have "more to their lives than their father", namely their grandparents, relatives, and family friends in your hometown!

What a self-centered prick!

So he loves his children, but he loves himself more ;-(

I think it's unlikely that he will be reliable particularly if a better offer comes along.

As others have said, be close to people who you can rely on.

It all depends on your job prospects, but if you want to move on with your life, it kind of suggests moving back to where you've come from. You've got your family around you - who could be handy for babysitting, as well as emotional support. it is a guaranteed way of forging a new life for yourself.

It is a life that will allow you to get regular reliable support; whereas your ex-H, has already stated that he can only offer that in the short term. When he sorts himself a new life - what then?

You wouldn't be going back, tail between your legs, because your husband has already gone. If you've made friends in a new town, you can make friends in a new location. Simple fact.

Additionally, it appears that if you stay, you'll be enrolling your children in an education system that you're not comfortable with.

If your Ex-H is of any value, he'll be willing to travel to see his children - and fully participate in their upbringing.

That seems to be a little questionable even before travel is thrown into the equation.

If you stay and he finds a new 'hobby', and your children get dropped like a hot stone, then it tells you everything you need to know about the future of your children's lives. Why should you sacrifice a support network in the optimistic hope he is going to be an amazing father.

What a way to grow up = ever hopeful he'll do the right thing.

You've got an amazing opportunity to give them so much more.

I think from reading your post - you want 'permission' to move your children but want to 'wait and see' what kind of Dad he is going to be.

Why not decide what kind of person and mum a change of location will offer you?

I also think moving back to your home town and family is the best option, and definitely not failing.

Also, you will not be taking the children away from their father, their father is leaving the marriage of his own free will. He can maintain a relationship with his children from your home town as much as in your current location. He just needs to put the effort in.

I would say the #1 priority is to cease living under the same roof as your soon to be ex-husband. If that means going back home, then go back home.

I'm usually very much in the 'stay near the father' camp, because of how messed about I was with moving all over the country as a child.

But in your case I'm really feeling the 'go back to your family' vibes.

I can't explain why, but I never usually think that (so never usually comment because I can't usually be objective)

So put me in the 'go home' camp.

I hope you're ok. He sounds like a right nob

Go home.
He is not being a great dad now, it won't get any better.

Go home.

You're not a failure. You're a strong, wise mother putting her small children first.

You need all the support you can get so that you don't spread yourself too thin. Your kids will benefit from a warm, supportive network of extended family and friends.

Go home and take care of yourself and let yourself accept the love and support you deserve.

I am very sad for you and the situation you are in and send and it is horrible to be so rejected. As the dsm of 4 dsc who have been through the mill with regards contact with their df for over a decade, you would expect me to say 'dads rights to contact trump anything you wish to do and you must bend over backwards etc etc '.. but I don't. My advice is the same as nearly everyone here. At the moment YOU &DD come first. YOU do what is best for YOU. Your Stbex decided on this path and couldn't be bothered to put any effort in, despite , I am assuming getting married without a gun to his head and knowingly making a baby with you, only to decide it's ,'not what he wants' well boo hoo ! Now, as a consequence of his decision HE will have to grow up and work out how he is going to maintain a relationship with his daughter. For a committed parent 100 miles won't be a problem. it's his choice to do this, not yours. it's his job to work out contact not yours. Your responsibility is not to obstruct or discourage and to make dd available within times agreed by both. Above all, you need unconditional love and practical support and it sounds like that is available in bucket loads at home ..pack a bag and don't look back.

sorry OP had mis read dc as one dd...even more of an immature self centred knob... he made babies with you voluntarily but doesn't want marriage to be all about kids ? I am guessing they are very young...how about taking yourself off for 24 hrs to look for your new home and leave the dc with him ? Then maybe he can explain how it's not 'all about them' - so angry for you...

Why would your parents only offer to help out with a mortgage if you move back to live near them? Would they not help out if you stayed put?
Also, remember that your ex will have to contribute his share of the children's housing.

I think I would stay where you are for a year, see how the parenting goes.

I didn't move home and within a year my ex was messing about with contact, my in laws would only have the children to help their son out not me so I had no support for sick days and definitely no social life

I stayed primarily because the children were settled in school and his family promised that nothing would change to do with the children

I should have moved

Thank you mn posters. The replies seem pretty consistent! Decisions are so hard aren't they. Trying to work out where the help would be most reliable considering all factors including ageing parents (mine) as I am not a not a young mother. But I suppose even if you are luckily enough to have a supportive reliable partner nothing is definite as anything can happen.
I think it's going to be a very hard process, I suppose it will make me stronger in the end. Wake me up in a year please when we are more settled! I would be interested to hear from anybody who has done this- starting over again as a sp in their home town.

Vivacia - my parents have offered help with a morgage in my home town as initially I wouldn't have a job, where as I do have a job here so that help wouldn't be needed.
Sassyb- I have been to look at houses. Xh is more than happy to look after kids while I do this?! But then it all seems more real and I get so scared about having to start over again etc. I suppose I will just have to be brave and go for it

Always remember it's your dh that has failed, not you.

You have successfully made the transition to being a parent, he didn't manage that.

You are considering the way forward with the children's best interests underpinning your thought processes, he's not (because I bet you anything, he'll moan/kick up a fuss and try and make you feel bad about moving away once he realises that he can't then be a pop-in now and again father, a father by proximity. Instead he'll have to make an effort if he wants to fully retain the role of a father in some part-time form).

Go back to the area your parents live in. You'll get emotional and financial support, your kids will see more of their maternal GPs who, let's face it, won't be around for ever. You'll be putting the kids in line for better schools and as soon as the eldest starts school you'll probably establish a network of friends/acquaintances via the school gates etc.

Haven't read the whole thread but surely it's not and either/or situation. Even if you move back to near your folks, the ExHusband will still have to support you and the DCs. Move home away from him - no question!

Sorry to go against the flow but everyone seems to assume your XDH is going to be a shit parent. He is their other parent and they have the right to a decent relationship with him.

If he has no concerns about you moving his children 100 miles away then definitely move, but it will have a huge impact on the role he can play in their lives, especially when they hit school and the teenage years. He has equal responsibility for the children and you do have to take his views into consideration.

Definitely go home. He has checked out of family life and has made it clear they are not his priority.

This will get even worse when he gets a new partner, the DC will slip even further down his list.

I would go.

Purple - I agree fathers are important.

I can't quite see why the father can't travel, or even move the 100 miles? He'd be an idiot if he didn't realise that the wife and family he'd just walked out on might go home to their support network of friends and family.

The consequences of his actions are that a little bit of effort is needed - tough shit.

Lovespeace -yes thinking about it really would show some decency to move if we do. Because it's so rubbish that after his decision, I am the one who needs to build a new life what ever we do- he just seems quite happy that he's getting rid of me/us - totally unbelievable - with minimal disruption for him and his life!

Add me to the 'go home' camp too. My xh left when I was 5 months pregnant. I already lived close to my parents and he stayed in the area too. Despite that, his interest quickly waned - we havent seen him for 4 1/2 years now. My parents, on the other hand, have been there every time I have needed them, without fail. Another thing to consider is who will look after your dcs when they are poorly? There is no way EVER I would have given my xh the keys to my house and left him there whilst I went to work and there is no way I would have made a sick child leave their own bed and have to go across town to their father's.

Yes, reliable, dedicated fathers are irreplaceable but selfish twunts who choose to do what they want regardless of the needs of their children are unreliable and very likely to let you and the dcs down. A bit of distance means you can formalise contact arrangements too. Much better when everyone knows where they are rather than having to manage an ad-hoc situation where individuals start taking advantage.

Good luck - there are loads of us out there managing absolutely fine!

Well if he has got an OW - she's got herself a real prize there. Not!

You are so well rid of this complete waste of space, and one day, when you and the children are settled you will look back on all this and realise was a lucky escape you have had. Anyone who can do what he is doing .. especially to such young children - ain't worth having. Seriously. What an absolute bastard.

Get yourself back close to your parents, and don't think twice about it. You've no guarantees whatsoever what part he's going to play in their lives if you stay put, how much support he's going to give you and so on - and to be frank, based on his behaviour so far, I wouldn't even take the chance of staying on the basis that he might pull his weight. Personally I doubt it very much.

He clearly puts himself first and foremost above everything. What he wants, how he feels, what he thinks etc. It's all about him. The fact that you say he 'seems quite happy to get rid of you' further persuades me there's someone else tbh, or at least he's itching to get back to being Jack the Lad, with no wife and kids to cramp his style.

Honestly go back to your home town. I did when I split with my ex - best thing I could have done. That was nearly 300 miles from where we were living and kids went to school etc. I hired a van, chucked in what I could, and down we came. Ex eventually followed - not same town but about 30 miles away, so he did see the kids from time to time. They settled great and being able to see grandparents, cousins etc. etc was such a bonus.